One of the reasons I have such a hard time getting out and exercising is cause I like to exercise first thing in the morning and rolling out of bed and out of Tracy's arms is just not fun (especially when its cold outside). I always cuddle up with my head on his left shoulder and I always joke around and tell him that his left shoulder is magic. Whenever I am stressed, that is where I find solace. Whenever I am exhausted, that is where I find rest. It's just my favorite place to be, and its very hard to leave it.
Then I think about that and how much I love to linger in his arms and I realize Suzy doesn't have that and I know how much she wants that with Nick. And I feel guilty for having it with Tracy....the lingering....
Today has been a busy day. Naomi and I are leaving for Salt Lake City tomorrow for belly dancing, and there was no food in the house so I headed to the grocery store. I want to make sure Tray, Nate and Suzy have food in the house. The grocery store is just not one of my favorite places to go, but I managed to get in and out relatively easily. I also managed to kind of go by the seat of my pants and get food for next week while Tracy is away on business. My plan is to make healthy meals all next week and eat lunches at home. Yup.. that's the plan. We shall see what reality is. While I was shopping, I realized that next week is the 10th. I bought stuff to cook over the fire pit and I remembered Nick... the lingering.
I came home and got stuff put away and had made lunch. Suzy came in and told me that the lawyers had emailed her and called her. We are getting close to the end of probate. And the lawyers have received the check Blaire and all of the insurance companies. Only thing left is for Suzy to sign papers, and a couple of weeks and Suzy will be done with this stuff. She forwarded me the emails, and I read them. I saw the check Blaire sent. And I felt anger. I now how much she is worth, and this amount is a drop in the bucket. And yet, I know that no matter how much money she gives, it would never be enough.....the lingering....
I went to get my nails done. A running friend of mine is a nail tech so I decided to give her a try. I have seen pictures on facebook and she always does great work. And I like supporting my friends. I had such a great time visiting with her, and she did such a beautiful job. This was so much better than the places where no one speaks English! The finished product is like magic! The color of my nails change colors in the heat and cold! They are amazing! And she asked me the question, "How many kids do you have?" It caught me off guard....I caught my breath. How do I answer that question? Just a couple of weeks ago, when Tracy and I got our pedicures we were asked that question and I knew the answer. Today, it stopped me dead in my tracks.....the lingering.......
There are other things I feel that I can't talk about in my blog or in public. But its really hard to know what is right and what is inevitable and what you wish for your children, and it's something completely different when it happens in reality.
This whole grieving thing......there are just not enough words to describe all of the feelings I feel in a given day. And right now, I feel the heaviness coming back. It comes back quite unexpectedly and I am trying very hard to keep it at bay and not let it consume me. Yet, I also need to honor that feeling. There is a balance there.....but it would be so easy to just slip into the "comfortable sadness" and just get lost there. It's the lingering........
But there is magic in living!
(This picture was taken in the car while I was waiting for Omi in therapy and I was playing with makeup.. just being silly)
Hugs
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