Do you ever get it?
Have you ever made a decision to do something on a future date and then have a huge since of foreboding? I'm not talking about regret about making the decision. I am not talking about chickening out. I am talking about.... "All of a sudden, I feel like something bad is about to happen, and that something bad is going to prevent me from doing what I agreed to do." Generally, I really don't like to think like that or give in to such thoughts. I totally believe that we create our own reality, but I also believe in a 6th sense and listening to intuition. So how do you decide if the sense of foreboding is the universe telling you something, or if its something else not nearly as useful?
So here's the deal.....
A couple of weeks ago, I had a crazy dream about a burlesque performance. When I mentioned the story to my burlesque friends, I was asked about performing in April. I agreed. I didn't agree to just one performance, but to two acts for that show. Both of them would be new acts. However, I had no doubt that I could get it all done in over a month's time frame. I had both acts planned out (in theory). I even had most of the costuming figured out, but it would take some sewing and some crafting along with choreography. I was totally excited. I went right out and bought materials to start sewing the costume. I ordered things that I needed. I was 100% in! Then all of a sudden, I started getting this really strong sense of foreboding. I thought it was strange and I was doing my best to just ignore it and keep moving forward. I took out my crafting stuff and some of the costuming I needed to decorate and put it on the table to start getting some work done. But there was that cloud again.
Then it started happening. My daughter needed to go the doctor and Nate has been hurting after a skateboard accident. Mom's PT requires using my kitchen table (where I do my sewing and crafting). Doctor appointments started adding up on top of mom's PT.
Naomi has some kind of mysterious issue that has her vomiting. We thought it was side effects from the meds she is taking to help her sleep. It's not. The doctor thought it was a bacteria that causes an ulcer. It's not. She is supposed to be taking and OTC acid reflux med to see if it will help. It's not. Her tummy is sensitive to palpations. But the doctor wanted us to wait until after spring break before doing more. He wants to give it some time with the OTC meds. Currently, she is still experiencing issues. Since the meds she takes for sleeping don't always work, she will need to be scheduled for a sleep test. And there are other appointments she needs to get all of this straightened out.
Nate's back has been having issues for a long time. It kind of runs in the family. But while we were gone, he had an accident on a skate board that had him land flat on his back. He didn't hit his head, but his back is in serious pain. He didn't go to the ER. He has made an appointment with his regular pain doctor, but can't get in until April 10th. In the mean time he is seeing a massage therapist who suggested he might have vitamin D deficiency as well as some other issues. She suggested lots of things (that I think are actually beyond her scope). All I know for certain is that Nate is in tons of pain, and will have lots of appointments between doctor's and physical therapy appointments and likely some specialists along the way.
So you can see where my head and my emotions are right now. My kids are everything to me. I have already lost one. So any time my remaining two are hurting or sick, things feel MUCH BIGGER in my head. It can be a bit debilitating and all consuming. Maybe that is wrong. Maybe it will get better over time. But for right now, it is alot. And it's all happening around Nick's birthday which is next week. So yes, my emotions are raw.
With all of this going on, and after talking to Tracy, I decided to pull out of the show I had agreed to be in. Doing that bothers me because I feel like if I agree to do something, I should do it. I put people in a bad position by pulling myself out of a performance. Though, I feel like I gave enough notice for the producer to find someone else, I still feel badly. *sigh* I did what I thought was best for the show, for my family, and for me and I will just have to live with that and any consequences that come with it. With that said, I will turn my focus onto what I can control and the good things are happening in my life and continue helping my mom and kids get the medical attention they need and hold the truth that is they are healthy, happy and strong and they are going to remain that way.
So what GOOD things are in my pipeline??? Well first of all, Tracy and I have a conference to attend this weekend. It's been a very long time since he and I have taken any kind of self-growth workshops together. I am seriously looking forward to this event, making new friends, and creating a deeper connection with the love of my life. Next weekend, I get to go to Oregon to cheer on a couple of my friends while they run their first ultra marathon! The weekend will be filled with hiking, beautiful nature, lots of laughter and hopefully a huge since of accomplishment for my friends. I am going to a luncheon for Family Advocates in an effort to learn more about volunteering and working with foster children. Naomi and I have tickets for a ballet later in the month which is the same weekend as Naomi's prom.
