Yesterday, August 21 2019, marked a year since my first trip to the mental health hospital. The catalyst that took me there was no sleep for longer than 24 hours, coming across a bad motorcycle accident, and social distress. But the real catalyst was my grief. I was a complete wreck and delusional thinking I could still save my son from death. 8 months later, I was back in the hospital because I had not dealt with my grief.
So here we are a year later. What is different?
I have stopped compartmentalizing everything. I have dragged out the metaphorical boxes from the deep recesses of my mind and started to open them up. What I am finding is a great deal of anger, pain, unresolved grief, sadness, depression, anxiety... a whole slew of things that have been put in boxes and shoved aside (I thought never to be seen again). It has been a very painful year; and in some ways it has been a year filled with amazing blessings.
I have reconnected with my Suzy (Nick's widow). We are not doing family functions together, but we have reconnected. I have realized that is all I can do. I am still struggling with her having a baby that isn't Nick's. I'm still struggling with her baby being named Nick. It is still hard. But I don't resent her. It's just hard on me. So making peace with her, while still honoring my own feelings is the best I I can do.
I have created a more peaceful home by rearranging furniture and redecorating some rooms. It has helped a great deal to shift the energy in our home.
I have been through such intensive therapy, and I'm still in regular therapy, that has helped me sort through all of this emotional stuff. OH that reminds me... Thanks to all of this therapy, I went from not feeling anything but anger and misplacing that anger, to feeling everything, but anger really isn't one of them. The anger has been swapped with emotions that are more appropriate for each situation, and I cry at EVERYTHING. That is okay. I'm feeling which is more than I have been doing for the last 4 1/2 years.
I am also taking better care of my family (which includes my puppers). I realized last night that not only had I neglected alot of things in my life and in my family's life, but I had not been getting Shane to the vet for check ups and shots and nail trims or his teeth. I just couldn't look beyond my own pain to take care of anyone else. I was doing the bare minimum to keep my family and my home afloat. Today I took Shane to the vet. Thankfully, everything looks healthy for my 12 year old lab. His teeth need to be cleaned, but everything looks great in his mouth. He got his shots and his nails trimmed and everything is great. *whew*
And then last night, I was interviewed by ProjectGrief. Going through their program and finishing it was one of the most healing things I could have done for the grief. And last night, I got to share that on video for them to use for marketing. I am grateful for the program and for the opportunity to share it with others.
In this last year, I have also found SoulCollage. This art therapy class has been a huge healing factor for me. Anytime I can play with art is healing.
In the last year, I ended up cancelling a great deal of my burlesque performances due to my mental health. I was so upset about having to do that. I want to be the dependable performer that my producers need, and it was breaking my heart to bail. With that said, I did make it to some of the biggest performances of my life... I performed last October in Portland, Oregon for the All Hallows Tease Weekender, I got to perform in England at the Bristol Burlesque Festival, and in November I got to share a stage with some amazing performers from around the country and from England here in Boise for the Dissent show. I am so blessed to have producers who support me and for the opportunities to perform my art that heals. I am grateful to have burlesque in my life.
Of course, through all of this, I have an amazing family who loves me. I know I have scared them more than I can ever understand or express. I am grateful for their love, acceptance and forgivness. I am grateful for their strength. I am grateful for the hugs, the hand holding, the laughter and for their help around the house. I am grateful for the rides when I couldn't drive myself. I am grateful for the clean house and mowed yards.
I am grateful for my friends who have been there for me... the ones who called me while I was hopsitalized, the ones who came to visit me while I was hospitalized, the ones who supported my family while I was going through all of this, the ones who have checked on me and given me hugs. I am grateful for the ones who have read my blogs and facebook posts and cheered me on via the internet. I am grateful for sushi dates and laughter dates.
My life is blessed beyond measure. I could not have made it through this last year, without all of you! Thank you!
