****Warning this is going to be a LONG blog****
I am going to do my best to keep this concise and easy to read. I have 5 feelings/scenarios that I need to write about to get out of my head, and its actually one of my goals for this week for PHP. So, if you are reading this, please be patient. I appreciate your support and kindness.
Let's start with Monday night's date night and Tracy's declaration that he was going to have lunch with Suzy on Tuesday.
Tracy and I had our regularly scheduled Monday night date night. We had planned a bike ride on the greenbelt. As we were driving, Tracy said, "By the way, just to let you know, I am having lunch with Suzy and the baby tomorrow." I didn't have an issue with him having lunch with them. However, I won't lie and say I felt a little bit jealous and slightly "slighted" that he got to see the baby again, when I have yet to actually see the baby. But I was letting that go. But the tone of voice he had while mentioning the baby illicited a thought process in my head. I asked him something along the lines of, "Do you ever feel upset or like you are doing something wrong because of our connection and relationship with Jared and Tytus and we don't have that with Suzy and her baby?" At least I think it was something like that. The reason I asked is because the sound in Tracy's voice when he mentions time with little Nick is the same tone of voice he has when he gets to spend time with Tytus who *is* our grandbaby via "chosen family". Anyway, that prompted more discussion than I had really meant to get into. It resulted in Tracy saying "It is understandable if Suzy and Tom do not feel comfortable having you in their home." That cut me to the core. It really had nothing to do with what Tom and Suzy may or may not feel about me. It had EVERYTHING to do with Tracy thinking that if Tom and Suzy thought I would physically hurt them or the baby that it was understandable to him. To me, he was saying, "Martha, it is perfectly understandable if people think you are a threat. I understand why people would think that of you." Which to me meant, HE thought that way of me.
***This is where I say that neither Tom nor Suzy have said anything to him or me about them feeling like I was a physical threat. This was all *MY* thought process and story that I had built up in my head***
This was an issue between me and Tracy. And it cut me so deeply. I had already been feeling like a burden and an albatross weighing my family down. The bills from all of my mental health stuff have started rolling in, and I was feeling very guilty about the amount of money being spent on me. Now I was "being told" I was some kind of dangerous monster that is a threat to people and people are afraid of what I will do them. (There are some things that created this thought process; it didn't happen just out of the blue. But without communication with Suzy and Tom, it was very easy for me to make up stories and put them on recurring cycles that got bigger and bigger as the days went by.) After Tracy said this to me, I pretty much lost it. It took me a while to sit in my car and calm down before getting on the bike. I was seriously contemplating how I could take my bike and kill myself. If my biggest support person thought I was capable of doing physical harm to anyone, then how much hope did I actually have for being a normal, rational human being? I must really be a monster if he thought that of me. I managed to collect myself enough to get on my bike and rise slowly (for me). But I didn't talk to Tracy the entire ride, and I kept leaving him in the dust. We got to a bridge to cross the river, and I stopped for a while and watched the water. I was taking into account the deepness, the swiftness, and what was under the water that I could not see. I wondered if I could actually kill myself by jumping off of the bridge. But then I thought about the search and rescue process. I thought about how much money that would be. I thought about what would happen if I didn't actually die but ended up causing severe brain damage and became a vegetable but still alive. Then I thought about other ways to kill myself that didn't cost as much money in recovery and were less messy. Again, I went to the pills. But my pills are locked up and I do not have access to enough of them to actually kill me. And yes, I thought about my family. In the end, I got back on my bike and started writing poetry in my head. I told myself to make it through the ride, and get home and start journaling. I was going to go home, shower, take ONE Valium and sit in bed and journal and then go right to bed. That seemed like the safest idea to me. And that is what I did.
I will say that this subject came up because (in my head) I was telling myself that since I had apologized to Suzy and Tom and had already met them face to face after the apology and they *said* they wanted me to be part of their lives and meet little Nick, it had not happened yet. I would not ask them about it again because I felt like I was harassing them and begging them to be part of their lives and I felt like if they wanted me to be part of their life, they would ask me to get together again. I didn't want to push myself on them. I want them to ask me because they wanted me in their lives, not because I was harassing them to be part of their lives. To me, that made sense. But also, to me, since it had not happened, it meant that they really didn't want me in their lives. (These are stories I was making up. It has nothing to do with anything either of them said. I was kind of okay with it. I had made my peace, and I understood that I might have done too much damage. It wasn't until I mentioned it to Tracy that he said that statement and I lost it.)
***This is where I will say that the stories we tell ourselves are so very powerful and create the world we live in...whether the stories are true or not. And in this case, the stories were NOT true, but I believed them so deeply.***
So Tuesday morning, I was so upset. I really thought my marriage was over with. I didn't want to kill myself anymore, but I didn't want to be here either. I almost took out $2000 from our bank and just disappeared. *almost* Instead, I created a facebook post telling people how I was feeling and where I would be. I told people where I would be in hopes that if I didn't show up to some place where one of my friends was also supposed to be, that they would alert the cavalry. It was a way for me to stay accountable to my mental health and staying alive. I got to PHP and was a crying mess. I had to explain things to my caseworker and to the nurse. They wanted to make sure I didn't need to go back into the hospital. I assured them that I was "safe". Then at 1pm, I got a big surprise. Suzy messaged me and invited me to her home to visit her and little Nick. Knowing that I had a therapy appointment that night, I figured that afternoon after PHP would be the best time and she told me she was free. So after PHP, I drove over there.
I had to ask for her address. Ever since she moved out of the house, she has not wanted me to have her address, or at least that is what it felt like. Whenever mail came here, I would ask her if she wanted me to mail it to her and she said she would just pick it up. I felt like she was trying to hide from me for safety reasons. She never said as much, but that is what I felt. The stories started building there. So when when she asked me over, I had to ask for her address (I think she had forgotten that I didn't know where she lived. That is another indication that these were *MY* stories and not hers.) Once I found her place and parked my car, I had a short walk to her apartment. In that time frame, every step I took was a step of courage. I was so freaking scared. I started to understand what Tracy had said about them being scared to invite me over. I felt like a monster capable of horrible things. What if I DID go into her home and explode? What if I DID go into her home and become the wicked which of Boise. What if I DID go into her home and do something stupid? I mean, I am currently seeking very intensive help for a mental illness and sometimes the DID I experience is very volatile. I started thinking, "I AM a monster. I don't deserve this. I should turn around and run away and make some excuses. I can't do this." With every step that brought me closer to her apartment, I started to shake. I was terrified. I thought maybe I would have a serious conversation with Suzy about how I felt...not because she did anything wrong but because I wanted to hear from her that I was just making up stories in my head. But then ultimately, I didn't have that conversation with her. Partly because I am afraid she would confirm those thoughts and fears, and then what? What would I do in her home if she did confirm those stories? No. I was not going to bring it up. I was going to walk into her home and focus on reconnecting and holding this little baby. One thing at a time. Meeting little Nick was big enough... and scary enough without bringing up scary conversations that really didn't need to happen in that moment..especially since she was the one who invited me to her place. That was enough for me to say, "She felt safe enough to invite me over. She must not think I am that big of a monster." So I took a deep breath and knocked on her door.
She told me to "Come on in." I walked in and she was sitting on the couch feeding little Nick. I kind of took a really quick look around at her apartment that I had never been in before. Then I sat down beside her and after a bit she offered little Nick to me. She said I was welcome to feed him, sing to him, rock him, whatever.... He started to get a little bit fussy so I stood up with him and bounced and rocked him and talked to him. I had yet to say his name. I really had no idea how I was going to do that. I had no idea if I could do that without bursting into tears. Holding this little baby of Suzy and Tom's..being in an apartment that was Suzy and Tom's..was a HUGE step in truly understanding that *MY* Nick was gone and Suzy had moved on. Now there is a little Nick named after *MY* Nick, and he is in my arms. Eventually, I heard my voice speak his name as I cooed to him. I don't remember my exact words, but I remember the words, "Little Nick" tentatively roll off of my tongue, like I was just putting on my first pair of roller skates and having no idea if I was going to fall flat on my face and break something or if I was going to be able to glide away easily and with grace. Neither happened actually. I didn't break down. But it certainly didn't feel graceful. There was a very distinct feeling when I called him by name. It wasn't pain. But it wasn't ease. It was just sort of.. "It is what it is." Little Nick is a precious little baby boy with a very sweet little face. He let me hold him and coo to him for an hour and a half. He let me feed and burp him. I watched as he slept in my arms and dreamed and his little eyes moved so fast and fluttered open and shut and he cried and took deep breaths and he dreamed some kind of dream. (What do babies who are a month old dream about anyway?)
Suzy and I talked about mom stuff. I inquired about her self-care. And ya know.. just regular conversation. I told her stories about my Nick she may have never heard because there was no reason to talk about baby things with her. It was surreal. I mean, this little Nick I was holding had no relation to my Nick, and that felt so odd. It wasn't like he was going to have any of the tendencies my Nick had. I had to keep reminding myself of that. I had to keep reminding myself that this was not my Nick's baby. You would think that would be easy for me considering his urn and pictures of him and Suzy were sitting on a book shelf in front of me. But nope. It wasn't easy at all. I had to remind myself that this is a step in accepting my Nick's death. And at the same time, I have no idea what place I hold in Suzy's life or in this little baby's life. Then I had to tell myself that it doesn't really matter. Take it moment by moment. There is no reason to borrow trouble or put labels on anything. Just relax in THIS moment with this little Nick in my arms sleeping and dreaming. Relax in THIS moment of sitting here sharing baby stories with Suzy, a young woman that I love and have watched grow up...share her happiness in this moment.. share her tiredness and relate to THAT. Relate to her as she is NOW..not what used to be or what dreams I used to have. The rest will work itself out. It was bitter sweet.
Tom came home from work right as I was about to leave. He gave me a huge hug and a kiss goodbye and told me he loved me. Suzy hugged me and told me she loved me. And both of them told me I was welcome to their home to hold little Nick anytime I wanted. I felt loved and accepted. I was not a monster after all.
I left their apartment and started my walk back to my car. Tears fell from my eyes. I wasn't a monster. I was welcome in their home. They loved me. I met and held and loved little Nick. I said his name. I survived. And I started a new chapter in my life. I had to face and accept that my Nick (while remembered) is not here anymore. Now I had to go to therapy and deal with the way I felt about Tracy and what he had said to me. Another deep breath and I got in my car.
So here is the thing about me, Tracy and therapists. We have had a couple of therapists here in Idaho over the last couple of years. One in particular we were seeing for a while. I would see her alone, and then she would decide that Tracy needed to be there. But while she was working with me, she would give me one opinion about Tracy and the choices he made (based on my side of the story). She would make very big statements about what she thought needed to happen and choices Tracy need to make to make me feel safe and secure. But as soon as Tracy came into her office, she would deviate from what she told me. It was so frustrating, and it made me look like a raving lunatic. I would tell Tracy what she said, but she would never tell Tracy herself...so then that left a window open for Tracy to believe that I was lying or manipulating him.
Yesterday was previously scheduled as an appointment for Tracy to join me in therapy with my new therapist that I have loved so far. The point of him being there was so that Casey (my therapist) could hear Tracy's point of view of when the other personalities came out. He also wanted Tracy to tell him what it looked like when I am happy (since Casey has only seen me in this acute hurting stage). This appointment was NOT scheduled for couples therapy. It was NOT scheduled for me to bring up something Tracy had said that hurt me so deeply. And I was terrified that what happened with our other therapist would happen with Casey and again, I would be holding the bag looking like a raving lunatic. Though deep down, I knew that Casey was the most genuine and compassionate therapist I have ever met.
Our session started and he asked Tracy to tell him what it looks like when I am genuinely happy. I sat there and listened to Tracy explain what he sees in me when I am happy. Tears of love fell from my eyes. Tracy described knowing I was happy just by how I breathed. He described a light that shone from my eyes. He described my posture as my shoulder back and my head up. The love in which he spoke about me was palpable. I cried. He didn't describe a monster at all. He described a beautiful woman.
Later, Casey asked me what had happened to make me feel as upset as I was. Before I could express that to him, I told him how scared I was that he would "side with Tracy" and not support me. The man literally stopped in his tracks and said, "Remember on our first meeting that I said before we started EMDR you would have to trust me and I would have to trust you. Now you are here telling me that you do not trust me based on previous therapists. Lets look at this and get it cleared up." He told Tracy that I was testing both of them in that moment. I was testing Tracy to see if he really supported me and would keep me safe. And I was testing him to see if he would support me and my recovery process and stand up for me in case Tracy hurt me. He got really frank with both of us. He told finally nailed it down... He told Tracy that what I heard when he said "It's understandable that Suzy and Tom wouldn't want you in their home...." that I heard, "I am a monster and unlovable. Even Tracy thinks I am a monster and he will not keep me safe." (Or something like that) Whatever Casey said was dead on! He was so freaking correct. I have NEVER had a therapist "get me" so thoroughly. And he didn't do this in a quick fashion. He literally stopped and took some deep breaths and got very clear on the intentions of his words before he spoke them in a very calm manner. He gently gave Tracy instructions and corrections. Casey stood up for me and stood by me. I have not felt so heard and understood by a therapist in 20 years! For that matter, even Tracy was impressed by the way Casey handled the matter.
By the time our session was complete, Casey had given Tracy (and me) some very clear instructions on positive non-reactive communication. He told Tracy that what I really need is to feel heard and if I feel heard, then I will feel safe. And when I feel safe, I can heal and we can grow stronger and some of these feelings I have felt for so many years will begin to dissipate. It was so beautiful and so elegant. He suggested to Tracy that the next time I say something that Tracy normally would feel defensive about, to stop, breathe and NOT get defensive. But instead, paraphrase what I said to show he heard me and then ask clarifying questions until I can get all of my feelings out and everyone understand how I am feeling and I feel heard. It might not be easy at first, but it will work. Tracy liked the idea and I did too. I have never heard that kind of suggestion from a therapist before.. where was that piece of advise when we were going to marriage counseling? Gah!
After therapy, I went to dance. I wasn't sure I would be able to make it, but Tracy drove me and I walked in. By the time we were done, I was feeling much better. I am so thankful for dance therapy! That night, Tracy and I sat in the hot tub. Casey had given us homework. We were to sit quietly and remind each other why we love each other.. what is it that we see in each other that makes us love each other? Surprisingly it was difficult for me to do this. Partly because I have had such a rough emotional time lately. And partly cause I was put on the spot. I knew I loved my husband, but damn if I could not FEEL it in that moment much less express it. Tracy told me that if I didn't FEEL it, then it was okay to skip it. But it wasn't okay. I knew I needed to do this, and I knew that once I started, I would start to FEEL it. So I started, and sure enough, I started to FEEL it. I do love my husband so very much. But in the middle of me telling him just how much I love him, he interrupted me with some snarky comment about me posting pictures of him. He sounded downright upset and angry. I was right in the middle of telling him how much I love him and how amazing he is, and something I said made him remember that he was angry about something. He had stopped himself in mid thought, but the damage had been done. It was a total buzz kill. Normally, I would get defensive and start a fight..or continue a fight that I thought he had started. But I took a breath. I paraphrased what he had said and then I asked clarifying questions. I told him I wanted to respect his boundaries, but if I didn't clearly know what his boundaries were, that would be difficult. So we nailed down those boundaries very clearly. It was a very calm conversation. Tracy felt heard, and I felt assured that he loved me and that we could continue on with our night without fights or hurt feelings. It wasn't until AFTER that conversation ended that I realized what I had done. I realized I had practiced what Casey had told us to do. This was a HUGE representation of what I had been learning since my hospitalization. I didn't do that because of what Casey said, it was done instinctively and based on what I had learned about boundaries in PHP. I felt empowered and loving. It was an act of respect and love for Tracy. It felt amazing. We continued our night in the hot tub with some more very deep conversations that I can not now remember. But they were profound :). Oh wait.. I remember but they are a subject for another blog; this one is long enough as it is.
So there you have it...a very long blog post about 5 very important thought processes and feelings that went through my head yesterday. Healing has taken place. Not just some little scratch on my arm that closed up, but a HUGE gash in my heart that was previously thought to be terminal and unrepairable. It's a start. The grief process and healing process is in full swing... nearly 5 years after Nick was killed. But here I am. I am grateful for the forgiveness shown to me. I am grateful for the love and support given to me. I am grateful for the opportunity for me to heal and grow in so many ways. I am grateful for my counselors, my teachers, my case workers, my support system, my family, and mostly for my own courage and tenacity. This isn't easy, but I'm doing it. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for bearing witness to my journey.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Sunday, April 14, 2019
April 14, 2019 Changing My Thoughts and Beliefs through REBT
I have been posting on Facebook about all that I am learning in my Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) at Intermountain Hospital. I have been talking in generalities about subjects, and a friend of mine saw me in person and asked me to share more specifics about what I am learning. So that is what I am doing today.
One of the things that really has made a difference in my healing process and living my lie is a process called Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). This process walks a person through an event that happened, their thoughts/beliefs about that event, their feelings about the event, and the behaviors that come from those thoughts/beliefs and emotions about the event. Once those have been written down, then we do the whole process over again, exchanging our thoughts/beliefs to more rational beliefs, and what we would feel and how we would behave based on those new thoughts and beliefs.
I first learned about this process while I was in inpatient care in the ICU at the psych ward at Intermountain Hospital. When I was first taught about it, I thought the event had to be an actual physical event like someone cutting me off in traffic. But in PHP I learned that you can REBT anything, including a thought of depression, as an event. Learning that blew my mind!
So here are a couple of practical examples, I will use what happened last night as I was in line for a show. It is actually much like being cut off in traffic.
EVENT: I stood in line for 2 hours to get good seats to a show. My husband and I were 3rd and 4th in line, when the people who were 1st and 2nd were actually allowing people (who came in and hour or 15 minutes till door opening) to join them in line and planned on saving 3 rows of seats for friends who were not even there yet. When talking with the man, he actually said he would fight people who tried to cut in front of him in line (when he said that, he didn't mention that he had planned on letting 10 to 15 people in front of us).
THOUGHTS/BELIEFS: I am not worthy. I am unimportant. I am not valid. My place in this world is not visible. Speaking up and stating my observations and truth would get me hurt either or both emotionally and physically. I am not worth stating my truth. My time is not as valuable as others. It's okay to be walked all over if it means keeping the peace and avoiding confrontation. I am weak. I am worthless. I am invisible.
FEELINGS: Intimidated, Scared, Fearful, Unworthy, Small, Tense, Unsure, Irritated, Angry, Desperate, Raging, Livid, Resentful, Dejected, Heavy
BEHAVIOR: Panic attack, physically shaky, blood pressure rises, chest pains, yelling profanities
So that is the "old way" of thinking.. here is what I replace it with...
EVENT: The same
THOUGHTS/BELIEFS: No one is entitled to any specific seat. There are plenty of seats, even if I don't get my favorite seat. I am strong and worthy of speaking my truth, regardless of the outcome. My time is as valuable as others, and if I was willing to do the time and do what is right by my own guage of fairness, then I am an ethical person and following my own standards which makes me an amazing human being..one worth loving and one worth being seen by others. I am strong. I am as worthy of a good seat as the others in the line. I am a loving, kind, patient and peaceful human being.
FEELINGS: Strong, Worthy, Peaceful, Compassionate, Tenacious, Assertive, Determined, Dynamic, Empowered, Joyful, Understanding, Optimistic
BEHAVIOR: Assertive conversation, standing up for my belief, calm demeanor, easy breathing, peacefully walking away from aggressive behavior.
This whole process is about changing thought and beliefs patterns to empower the person and create new thought patterns that will help a person live a more peaceful, assertive life.
One of the things that really has made a difference in my healing process and living my lie is a process called Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). This process walks a person through an event that happened, their thoughts/beliefs about that event, their feelings about the event, and the behaviors that come from those thoughts/beliefs and emotions about the event. Once those have been written down, then we do the whole process over again, exchanging our thoughts/beliefs to more rational beliefs, and what we would feel and how we would behave based on those new thoughts and beliefs.
I first learned about this process while I was in inpatient care in the ICU at the psych ward at Intermountain Hospital. When I was first taught about it, I thought the event had to be an actual physical event like someone cutting me off in traffic. But in PHP I learned that you can REBT anything, including a thought of depression, as an event. Learning that blew my mind!
So here are a couple of practical examples, I will use what happened last night as I was in line for a show. It is actually much like being cut off in traffic.
EVENT: I stood in line for 2 hours to get good seats to a show. My husband and I were 3rd and 4th in line, when the people who were 1st and 2nd were actually allowing people (who came in and hour or 15 minutes till door opening) to join them in line and planned on saving 3 rows of seats for friends who were not even there yet. When talking with the man, he actually said he would fight people who tried to cut in front of him in line (when he said that, he didn't mention that he had planned on letting 10 to 15 people in front of us).
THOUGHTS/BELIEFS: I am not worthy. I am unimportant. I am not valid. My place in this world is not visible. Speaking up and stating my observations and truth would get me hurt either or both emotionally and physically. I am not worth stating my truth. My time is not as valuable as others. It's okay to be walked all over if it means keeping the peace and avoiding confrontation. I am weak. I am worthless. I am invisible.
FEELINGS: Intimidated, Scared, Fearful, Unworthy, Small, Tense, Unsure, Irritated, Angry, Desperate, Raging, Livid, Resentful, Dejected, Heavy
BEHAVIOR: Panic attack, physically shaky, blood pressure rises, chest pains, yelling profanities
So that is the "old way" of thinking.. here is what I replace it with...
EVENT: The same
THOUGHTS/BELIEFS: No one is entitled to any specific seat. There are plenty of seats, even if I don't get my favorite seat. I am strong and worthy of speaking my truth, regardless of the outcome. My time is as valuable as others, and if I was willing to do the time and do what is right by my own guage of fairness, then I am an ethical person and following my own standards which makes me an amazing human being..one worth loving and one worth being seen by others. I am strong. I am as worthy of a good seat as the others in the line. I am a loving, kind, patient and peaceful human being.
FEELINGS: Strong, Worthy, Peaceful, Compassionate, Tenacious, Assertive, Determined, Dynamic, Empowered, Joyful, Understanding, Optimistic
BEHAVIOR: Assertive conversation, standing up for my belief, calm demeanor, easy breathing, peacefully walking away from aggressive behavior.
This whole process is about changing thought and beliefs patterns to empower the person and create new thought patterns that will help a person live a more peaceful, assertive life.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
April 7, 2018 Building a Bridge
Today has been a very emotional day. First I had one hell of a nightmare early this morning. It scared the hell out of me. I dreamed I was in some kind of group/class setting and one of my personalities (the violent one who tries to kill me) came out and no one believed me that it was real. It was a horrible experience. I mean, its a horrible experience in real life when it comes to visit. But this is the first time, that my DID has crept into my dream state, and I was terrified I would not be able to wake up and be ME. I was so scared of losing myself completely.
I have spent a good chunk of my day trying to not just shake that mood and that dream, but also doing my work for my program. I started reading a book called Trauma And The Unbound Body. It looks interesting so far. It's a little on the metaphysical side.. well not just a little.. so we shall see. That stuff is usually right up my alley, but for some reason I am feeling some resistance. I also read a rather long hand out I picked up from PHP on Bipolar. I need to get a handle on the information and understand what is going on in my head. I had no idea there were more than one type of bipolar. I decided to keep a journal of my moods to see if I can figure out what is going on (or at least help my doctors figure it out). I'm not sure I am completely stable enough to make any real prognosis right now.
Then it was time for dinner.....
When I was in inpatient care at Intermountain, I wrote Suzy a letter apologizing for so many things I had said and my behaviors. I asked if we could find a way (if she wanted and only if she wanted) to build a bridge and heal our family. Tracy delivered it, and she and Tom were receptive. Well today we met for dinner. It was just the 4 of us. I was hoping to meet the baby, but they are not taking him out to restaurants right now. I get it. I've had newborns before. We chatted and had a nice dinner. It's a start. I brought her a gift for the baby. I made the baby a rubber ducky blanket and gave her the book Dragons Like Tacos. After dinner, she handed me a bag... it had 4 mason jars filled with Nick's remains.
We started building that bridge. It's emotional. It's awkward. It's healing. I have no idea where this will take us, but I will say that I am eternally grateful for their forgiveness and their loving kindness in creating individual jars of remains for our family. It means the world to me, and to the rest of the family.
I told Suzy that I would never talk bad about her on my blog ever again or mention her name unless I was praising her.. and that is what I am doing. I am grateful for her forgiveness and her kindness. Suzy, if you reading this, thank you and I love you.
I have spent a good chunk of my day trying to not just shake that mood and that dream, but also doing my work for my program. I started reading a book called Trauma And The Unbound Body. It looks interesting so far. It's a little on the metaphysical side.. well not just a little.. so we shall see. That stuff is usually right up my alley, but for some reason I am feeling some resistance. I also read a rather long hand out I picked up from PHP on Bipolar. I need to get a handle on the information and understand what is going on in my head. I had no idea there were more than one type of bipolar. I decided to keep a journal of my moods to see if I can figure out what is going on (or at least help my doctors figure it out). I'm not sure I am completely stable enough to make any real prognosis right now.
Then it was time for dinner.....
When I was in inpatient care at Intermountain, I wrote Suzy a letter apologizing for so many things I had said and my behaviors. I asked if we could find a way (if she wanted and only if she wanted) to build a bridge and heal our family. Tracy delivered it, and she and Tom were receptive. Well today we met for dinner. It was just the 4 of us. I was hoping to meet the baby, but they are not taking him out to restaurants right now. I get it. I've had newborns before. We chatted and had a nice dinner. It's a start. I brought her a gift for the baby. I made the baby a rubber ducky blanket and gave her the book Dragons Like Tacos. After dinner, she handed me a bag... it had 4 mason jars filled with Nick's remains.
We started building that bridge. It's emotional. It's awkward. It's healing. I have no idea where this will take us, but I will say that I am eternally grateful for their forgiveness and their loving kindness in creating individual jars of remains for our family. It means the world to me, and to the rest of the family.
I told Suzy that I would never talk bad about her on my blog ever again or mention her name unless I was praising her.. and that is what I am doing. I am grateful for her forgiveness and her kindness. Suzy, if you reading this, thank you and I love you.
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
April 2, 2019 New Diagnosis..New Meds...This week is hard.
So months ago, I had a doctor's appointment.. just my yearly well human check up. While I was there, I asked the doctor to refer me to a Psychiatrist to double check my diagnosis and meds and I also asked for an MRI on my brain since no one has scanned my brain with my brain injuries. The MRI had to be rescheduled cause of my recent hospitalization, but my psychiatrist appointment was today.
There were several reasons I wanted this appointment. I had been feeling like maybe I had a wrong diagnosis or at least the meds that the doctors had been giving me for depression were not working, and that maybe something else was going on, but I didn't really know what. Then I had this recent hospitalization. While I was in the hospital, I began to really look at my mental health history. I began to question things. I began to see things a bit more clearly. I asked the psychiatrists there if maybe I was bipolar. They asked me a couple of questions and told me that I might be on to something, but my visit with my new psych would be able to help. In the mean time, they upped the dosage of my antidepressant that obviously was not working, and they gave me another medicine for sleeping (which I didn't think I needed and it doesn't help either).
Having been through 2 hospitalizations in 7 months and now in the PHP program for my mental health, I am seeing mental illnesses of all kinds, and quite frankly, it scares me. I have talked to so many people and heard their stories and witnessed some of their experience. Last night, I cried in the hot tub and expressed my deepest fear. I am scared. I have heard people talk about going in and out of the hospital. I have heard them talk about being frequent fliers. I have heard them talk about how long they have been with PHP or the next step down is IOP. For some of these people, they have been in this program for over a year. Some stay in IOP for a year and then end up in the hospital again for various reasons then get released to PHP again. Some use ALL of their vacation time or may even be losing their job in order to take care of their mental health. This seems to be a never ending battle for them. The ones with bipolar are the ones who struggle the most. Med changes can throw them into crisis so they put themselves in the hospital while they adjust. Some just can't cope and end up in the hospital. This is a life long thing. Some are on disability for their mental health issues. I told Tracy last night that I was scared. I was scared that I will never get better. I was scared that what I experience is life altering and will have me going in and out of hospitals the rest of my life. He did his best to reassure me. "You will get over this. It will be okay. This is only temporary. You are getting the help you need. You will feel better in time." I still felt scared. What if my happiest years were just "lies". What if 2011-2013 were just years of complete mania? What if I don't know what happy looks like and feels like?
So today, I put on my big girl panties and went to the psychiatrist. I had Tracy go with me. I need a second brain to remember everything. Its a good thing he was there, because there were questions that I could not remember the answers to and he was able to answer the questions. As a matter of fact, the knowledge he has of me from the age of 14 was very helpful. How many people can say they have someone who knows them that well and that long? Anyway, after all was said and done, the psychiatrist asked me if anyone has ever mentioned me being bipolar. I told her "no, but I had been wondering if that was what was going on". Apparently that is the correct diagnosis on top of Dissociative Identity Disorder and Complicated Grief and PTSD. Yay me! However, I am NOT depressed and the antidepressant that has been prescribed to me is actually hurting my mental health, and so is that sleeping med they prescribed to me. So we are weening me off of the anti depressant and we have new meds on board. What they gave me is an anti-seizure med that is prescribed with people who have brain injuries and bi-polar. She also insisted I keep my MRI appointment, and she was glad that I had made all of these appointments to take care of myself BEFORE my hospitalization.
So what I had suspected, but really didn't want has just happened. Part of me wonders if this is real, or if this is something that I created out of "law of attraction" stuff. Or if maybe the thoughts I had been having was my inner Self saying, "You have bigger issues, its time to look at it." I don't know. But I can tell you that I am scared. While I have always had empathy for those with bi-polar, I have been the person who kind of avoids getting close to people with it. Mostly because I have had so much trauma and so many issues of my own that being that close and available to people with bi-polar seemed impossible to me. Now I am that person. I am the person I have been avoiding. Who will be avoiding me now? Who has been avoiding me? I know people have. I have had people say that my mental state has scared them and they can't be friends with us anymore.
I cried to Tracy after my diagnosis. I said, "I told you this was never going away and its permanent!" He hugged me. He reassured me that this is good news..it means I am getting the treatment I am suppose to have and now we can face this head on and not play the guessing game anymore. He was proud of me for taking the steps before my hospitalization to seek the help. He tells me he loves me and he doesn't see a "sick person" when he looks at me, he only sees the Martha that he knows and loves. He assures me he will stay by my side. All I can do is be grateful for his love and support. How he has stayed with me all of these years with an undiagnosed mental illness that could have destroyed us, I will never know. I have owed him my life several times over. He has saved me from committing suicide so many times. I would not be here without him. It's just that simple. But man...what a drain I must be on the guy.
Today has been hard. This week has been hard. I realize its only Tuesday. I have been struggling. Nick's birthday is Thursday...that is not lost on me. I'm grateful that I will be in PHP that day. But it's not stopping the pain I feel. I almost checked myself in to the hospital today after getting my diagnosis. But instead, I am here blogging. I am doing my mental health homework. And I will force myself to go to dance. I picked up my new meds and took them, and then I had an instant head ache that feels like a blood pressure headache. I don't know if that has anything to do with the new meds or not. It could just be panic. So I will breathe it out.
I guess I should count my blessings that I have survived this kind of undiagnosed mental health challenge to the age of 49 ...nearly 50... years old. I guess I am stronger than I think I am, and I am quite the fighter. Here's to getting stronger and healthier.
There were several reasons I wanted this appointment. I had been feeling like maybe I had a wrong diagnosis or at least the meds that the doctors had been giving me for depression were not working, and that maybe something else was going on, but I didn't really know what. Then I had this recent hospitalization. While I was in the hospital, I began to really look at my mental health history. I began to question things. I began to see things a bit more clearly. I asked the psychiatrists there if maybe I was bipolar. They asked me a couple of questions and told me that I might be on to something, but my visit with my new psych would be able to help. In the mean time, they upped the dosage of my antidepressant that obviously was not working, and they gave me another medicine for sleeping (which I didn't think I needed and it doesn't help either).
Having been through 2 hospitalizations in 7 months and now in the PHP program for my mental health, I am seeing mental illnesses of all kinds, and quite frankly, it scares me. I have talked to so many people and heard their stories and witnessed some of their experience. Last night, I cried in the hot tub and expressed my deepest fear. I am scared. I have heard people talk about going in and out of the hospital. I have heard them talk about being frequent fliers. I have heard them talk about how long they have been with PHP or the next step down is IOP. For some of these people, they have been in this program for over a year. Some stay in IOP for a year and then end up in the hospital again for various reasons then get released to PHP again. Some use ALL of their vacation time or may even be losing their job in order to take care of their mental health. This seems to be a never ending battle for them. The ones with bipolar are the ones who struggle the most. Med changes can throw them into crisis so they put themselves in the hospital while they adjust. Some just can't cope and end up in the hospital. This is a life long thing. Some are on disability for their mental health issues. I told Tracy last night that I was scared. I was scared that I will never get better. I was scared that what I experience is life altering and will have me going in and out of hospitals the rest of my life. He did his best to reassure me. "You will get over this. It will be okay. This is only temporary. You are getting the help you need. You will feel better in time." I still felt scared. What if my happiest years were just "lies". What if 2011-2013 were just years of complete mania? What if I don't know what happy looks like and feels like?
So today, I put on my big girl panties and went to the psychiatrist. I had Tracy go with me. I need a second brain to remember everything. Its a good thing he was there, because there were questions that I could not remember the answers to and he was able to answer the questions. As a matter of fact, the knowledge he has of me from the age of 14 was very helpful. How many people can say they have someone who knows them that well and that long? Anyway, after all was said and done, the psychiatrist asked me if anyone has ever mentioned me being bipolar. I told her "no, but I had been wondering if that was what was going on". Apparently that is the correct diagnosis on top of Dissociative Identity Disorder and Complicated Grief and PTSD. Yay me! However, I am NOT depressed and the antidepressant that has been prescribed to me is actually hurting my mental health, and so is that sleeping med they prescribed to me. So we are weening me off of the anti depressant and we have new meds on board. What they gave me is an anti-seizure med that is prescribed with people who have brain injuries and bi-polar. She also insisted I keep my MRI appointment, and she was glad that I had made all of these appointments to take care of myself BEFORE my hospitalization.
So what I had suspected, but really didn't want has just happened. Part of me wonders if this is real, or if this is something that I created out of "law of attraction" stuff. Or if maybe the thoughts I had been having was my inner Self saying, "You have bigger issues, its time to look at it." I don't know. But I can tell you that I am scared. While I have always had empathy for those with bi-polar, I have been the person who kind of avoids getting close to people with it. Mostly because I have had so much trauma and so many issues of my own that being that close and available to people with bi-polar seemed impossible to me. Now I am that person. I am the person I have been avoiding. Who will be avoiding me now? Who has been avoiding me? I know people have. I have had people say that my mental state has scared them and they can't be friends with us anymore.
I cried to Tracy after my diagnosis. I said, "I told you this was never going away and its permanent!" He hugged me. He reassured me that this is good news..it means I am getting the treatment I am suppose to have and now we can face this head on and not play the guessing game anymore. He was proud of me for taking the steps before my hospitalization to seek the help. He tells me he loves me and he doesn't see a "sick person" when he looks at me, he only sees the Martha that he knows and loves. He assures me he will stay by my side. All I can do is be grateful for his love and support. How he has stayed with me all of these years with an undiagnosed mental illness that could have destroyed us, I will never know. I have owed him my life several times over. He has saved me from committing suicide so many times. I would not be here without him. It's just that simple. But man...what a drain I must be on the guy.
Today has been hard. This week has been hard. I realize its only Tuesday. I have been struggling. Nick's birthday is Thursday...that is not lost on me. I'm grateful that I will be in PHP that day. But it's not stopping the pain I feel. I almost checked myself in to the hospital today after getting my diagnosis. But instead, I am here blogging. I am doing my mental health homework. And I will force myself to go to dance. I picked up my new meds and took them, and then I had an instant head ache that feels like a blood pressure headache. I don't know if that has anything to do with the new meds or not. It could just be panic. So I will breathe it out.
I guess I should count my blessings that I have survived this kind of undiagnosed mental health challenge to the age of 49 ...nearly 50... years old. I guess I am stronger than I think I am, and I am quite the fighter. Here's to getting stronger and healthier.
Monday, April 1, 2019
April 1, 2019 Day 4 of Partial Hospitalization Program...lots to think about.
When I was released from the hospital, I was feeling great. But it didn't take long (like a few hours) for me to start getting angry again. Tracy and I had an argument that night. The next day, which was a Friday, we agreed that the weekend would be free of any talk of why I went into the hospital or anything like that. That first weekend out of the hospital was peaceful. By Sunday night, we could talk again, and things were going okay. But I was still feeling shaky. I was told I could start PHP on the next Wednesday. I just needed to make it 2 more days. Those were 2 very hard days for me. I was so happy to start PHP. I'm not gonna lie. It's hard. Sometimes it's very hard.
I just completed day 4 of PHP. I feel stronger since starting, but I am not sure I am strong enough to be released yet. I have 6 more days of PHP covered by insurance, then we will discuss it further. But what I am getting right now is a kind of double edged sword. It is painful and helpful all at the same time. Opening up the closets where my monsters live and taking a good long scary look at them is a bit horrifying, but realizing that they really aren't that scary after all helps. They are like gremlins.. totally cute and adorable as long as you treat them properly. But the minute I mistreat them, they become those ugly angry things that we call monsters. So what kind of gremlins do I have living in my closet? Well, Grief is a given. But I also have some named Guilt, Blame, Anxiety, Rage, Depression, PTSD, DID, Jealousy and so many more. PHP allows me to open the door of this closet, with a support person beside me. The support person is there to have my back in case it gets ugly. But mostly, they are just there to witness my interaction with each of the gremlins. They cheer me on and support me as I get to know these gremlins and hear their stories and find out how to care for them so that they don't turn into the ugly gremlins that are mistreated. It's a scary process. It's a healthy process. It's a painful process. And it feels good in the end.
A day in PHP is filled with 4 group meetings and lunch. The first meeting is Goals, Affirmations, and Gratitude; its just to check in on everyone for the day and do a roll call. The 2nd meeting time holds two spots and could be about anything, but on Tues/Wed/Thursdays there is a "Trauma" group with a 2nd group about something else. The 3rd meeting also has 2 meetings; 1 is for relapse prevention for those in addiction recovery and the other meeting could be on any other subject. The 4th meeting (after lunch) could be about anything mental health related, and is more of a closing group. In the last 4 days, I have gone to 2 trauma groups, a group on forgiveness, 2 groups on the affects of stress, a group on Maslows Hierarchy of Needs, a group on Learned Helplessness, a group on Assertive Communication, and just a "get to know you" type class where we were asked questions and everyone went around answering it. I have met some incredible people and heard some stories that would blow you away (and probably not in a good way). I am exposed to a very diverse group of people.. people from homeless shelters, people with disposable income, artists, engineers, people with grief, people who meth addictions, people with booze addiction, people who still live with their abusers, young adults barely out of their teens and senior citizens and everyone in between. The one thing we all have in common, is that we are there to help ourselves and get better. Mental illness has brought our journeys together along this path, and we support each other.
This weekend while Tracy and I were out of town, I had some pretty big clarity moments. We went out of town, because we both needed some relaxation. Tracy has been stressed beyond belief, and I just wanted him to focus on him and laugh and relax. He wanted me to just relax and have fun. We took off for Bend, Oregon. We have never spent any length of time there. He planned it out. He found our hotel in the "mill district" and planned out our cross country skiing. But everything else was just kind of up in the air. What I found was that I didn't want my phone. I have actually not been very attached to my phone since my hospital stay. But this past weekend, while I had my phone on me to take pictures, I was not reading facebook or texting people. We weren't' even playing Pokemon. I literally spent the weekend being present with my feelings, with my husband, with life around me. It was such a great feelings. I thought about how much the kids would enjoy Bend, and we talked about it. But we didn't talk about stress. We didn't talk about pain. We talked about the beautiful homes, the rock statues, the gorgeous river, the rain, the beers that we were enjoying, about our love and our marriage. We spent a great deal of time just enjoying each other and walking hand in hand. We actually sat and enjoyed the sunset while drinking beers on a porch by a park. It was so fabulous and relaxing. I did actually break out my phone and post about it because, well, I wanted to share my happiness after sharing so much sadness. We enjoyed the snow. We enjoyed watching the big air competition. We enjoyed sleeping in. We enjoyed food and ice cream. We enjoyed just living in the moment and taking spontaneous stops and just being there in the moment with no agenda. It was beautiful.
I also realized that for the first time, I was perfectly okay thinking about me and me alone. Usually, when we go out of town, a great deal of my time and energy is put into what I am going to get the kids, my mom, or my friends. I feel guilty if I buy something for myself, but I come home empty handed for my friends and family. I even feel guilty if Tracy doesn't buy something while we are out of town. Like if I buy something for me, everyone has to have something too. But this time, I heard myself say, "No. You don't have to buy something for people just because you bought something. It is okay to want to buy something because you want to remember how happy you are right here. The kids don't need a pair of socks just because you bought something for yourself. It is okay to be selfish. And if Tracy wants something, he can get it for himself. If he doesn't want something, that is okay too. It's okay to just think about you, and let everyone else take care of themselves and be responsible for themselves." That was a huge moment for me.
Today I was back in PHP. After having such a beautiful weekend, the idea of going into PHP was very difficult. I know what is ahead of me. It will be more stories of pain. It will be opening that closet up again and having to take a look at my gremlins. I am grateful for the rest I had over the weekend that made it easier to open closets, but still, it takes alot of courage and effort to open the closets and look. It also takes alot of effort to stay in the room and be present with others while they do the same thing. Hearing other people's pain while you are in pain is a double edged sword and can sometimes be overwhelming. Thankfully, they give us tools and I use those tools religiously now. Today we talked more about how stress affects our bodies, and I wonder if part of my weight gain has been all of the anger and stress I have kept in my body since Nick's death. We also talked about what we can do when we start to feel stress..what are our tools? There was also a class on boundaries today. I have been working on creating my boundaries for a couple of years. I have been getting better at setting boundaries and hopefully at respecting boundaries. That is an ever changing process.
I am tired today. Leaving PHP has left me feeling tired and drained. My head always hurts. I wonder if my post concussive syndrome gets triggered by all of the talk and noise and deep thinking. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow to go over my meds and over my diagnosis and make sure I am everything diagnosed properly and my meds are correct. I also have questions about the brain injury and what I feel. I also have a brain MRI on the 9th (rescheduled since I missed it while I was in the hospital). Getting this brain taken care of is the name of the game right now. Taking time to take care of me seems so indulgent...I should be cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping..you name it. But this time, is very much needed. I am grateful for the insurance that allows this to happen. I am grateful for Tracy's income. I am grateful for the ability to be able to do this. I am grateful for all of the love and support of my friends and family. This is just as bad as a heart attack or some other severe illness that could kill me.. I did time in the hospital in ICU and then in a general ward. Then I was released to rehab specialist. Eventually I will be released to see people like a chiropractor or massage therapist or personal trainer. Eventually...... But for right now, its one moment at a time, one day at a time in PHP. I'm doing my work. Following my treatment plans. I'm getting better. I'm healing. And I'm grateful.
I just completed day 4 of PHP. I feel stronger since starting, but I am not sure I am strong enough to be released yet. I have 6 more days of PHP covered by insurance, then we will discuss it further. But what I am getting right now is a kind of double edged sword. It is painful and helpful all at the same time. Opening up the closets where my monsters live and taking a good long scary look at them is a bit horrifying, but realizing that they really aren't that scary after all helps. They are like gremlins.. totally cute and adorable as long as you treat them properly. But the minute I mistreat them, they become those ugly angry things that we call monsters. So what kind of gremlins do I have living in my closet? Well, Grief is a given. But I also have some named Guilt, Blame, Anxiety, Rage, Depression, PTSD, DID, Jealousy and so many more. PHP allows me to open the door of this closet, with a support person beside me. The support person is there to have my back in case it gets ugly. But mostly, they are just there to witness my interaction with each of the gremlins. They cheer me on and support me as I get to know these gremlins and hear their stories and find out how to care for them so that they don't turn into the ugly gremlins that are mistreated. It's a scary process. It's a healthy process. It's a painful process. And it feels good in the end.
A day in PHP is filled with 4 group meetings and lunch. The first meeting is Goals, Affirmations, and Gratitude; its just to check in on everyone for the day and do a roll call. The 2nd meeting time holds two spots and could be about anything, but on Tues/Wed/Thursdays there is a "Trauma" group with a 2nd group about something else. The 3rd meeting also has 2 meetings; 1 is for relapse prevention for those in addiction recovery and the other meeting could be on any other subject. The 4th meeting (after lunch) could be about anything mental health related, and is more of a closing group. In the last 4 days, I have gone to 2 trauma groups, a group on forgiveness, 2 groups on the affects of stress, a group on Maslows Hierarchy of Needs, a group on Learned Helplessness, a group on Assertive Communication, and just a "get to know you" type class where we were asked questions and everyone went around answering it. I have met some incredible people and heard some stories that would blow you away (and probably not in a good way). I am exposed to a very diverse group of people.. people from homeless shelters, people with disposable income, artists, engineers, people with grief, people who meth addictions, people with booze addiction, people who still live with their abusers, young adults barely out of their teens and senior citizens and everyone in between. The one thing we all have in common, is that we are there to help ourselves and get better. Mental illness has brought our journeys together along this path, and we support each other.
This weekend while Tracy and I were out of town, I had some pretty big clarity moments. We went out of town, because we both needed some relaxation. Tracy has been stressed beyond belief, and I just wanted him to focus on him and laugh and relax. He wanted me to just relax and have fun. We took off for Bend, Oregon. We have never spent any length of time there. He planned it out. He found our hotel in the "mill district" and planned out our cross country skiing. But everything else was just kind of up in the air. What I found was that I didn't want my phone. I have actually not been very attached to my phone since my hospital stay. But this past weekend, while I had my phone on me to take pictures, I was not reading facebook or texting people. We weren't' even playing Pokemon. I literally spent the weekend being present with my feelings, with my husband, with life around me. It was such a great feelings. I thought about how much the kids would enjoy Bend, and we talked about it. But we didn't talk about stress. We didn't talk about pain. We talked about the beautiful homes, the rock statues, the gorgeous river, the rain, the beers that we were enjoying, about our love and our marriage. We spent a great deal of time just enjoying each other and walking hand in hand. We actually sat and enjoyed the sunset while drinking beers on a porch by a park. It was so fabulous and relaxing. I did actually break out my phone and post about it because, well, I wanted to share my happiness after sharing so much sadness. We enjoyed the snow. We enjoyed watching the big air competition. We enjoyed sleeping in. We enjoyed food and ice cream. We enjoyed just living in the moment and taking spontaneous stops and just being there in the moment with no agenda. It was beautiful.
I also realized that for the first time, I was perfectly okay thinking about me and me alone. Usually, when we go out of town, a great deal of my time and energy is put into what I am going to get the kids, my mom, or my friends. I feel guilty if I buy something for myself, but I come home empty handed for my friends and family. I even feel guilty if Tracy doesn't buy something while we are out of town. Like if I buy something for me, everyone has to have something too. But this time, I heard myself say, "No. You don't have to buy something for people just because you bought something. It is okay to want to buy something because you want to remember how happy you are right here. The kids don't need a pair of socks just because you bought something for yourself. It is okay to be selfish. And if Tracy wants something, he can get it for himself. If he doesn't want something, that is okay too. It's okay to just think about you, and let everyone else take care of themselves and be responsible for themselves." That was a huge moment for me.
Today I was back in PHP. After having such a beautiful weekend, the idea of going into PHP was very difficult. I know what is ahead of me. It will be more stories of pain. It will be opening that closet up again and having to take a look at my gremlins. I am grateful for the rest I had over the weekend that made it easier to open closets, but still, it takes alot of courage and effort to open the closets and look. It also takes alot of effort to stay in the room and be present with others while they do the same thing. Hearing other people's pain while you are in pain is a double edged sword and can sometimes be overwhelming. Thankfully, they give us tools and I use those tools religiously now. Today we talked more about how stress affects our bodies, and I wonder if part of my weight gain has been all of the anger and stress I have kept in my body since Nick's death. We also talked about what we can do when we start to feel stress..what are our tools? There was also a class on boundaries today. I have been working on creating my boundaries for a couple of years. I have been getting better at setting boundaries and hopefully at respecting boundaries. That is an ever changing process.
I am tired today. Leaving PHP has left me feeling tired and drained. My head always hurts. I wonder if my post concussive syndrome gets triggered by all of the talk and noise and deep thinking. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow to go over my meds and over my diagnosis and make sure I am everything diagnosed properly and my meds are correct. I also have questions about the brain injury and what I feel. I also have a brain MRI on the 9th (rescheduled since I missed it while I was in the hospital). Getting this brain taken care of is the name of the game right now. Taking time to take care of me seems so indulgent...I should be cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping..you name it. But this time, is very much needed. I am grateful for the insurance that allows this to happen. I am grateful for Tracy's income. I am grateful for the ability to be able to do this. I am grateful for all of the love and support of my friends and family. This is just as bad as a heart attack or some other severe illness that could kill me.. I did time in the hospital in ICU and then in a general ward. Then I was released to rehab specialist. Eventually I will be released to see people like a chiropractor or massage therapist or personal trainer. Eventually...... But for right now, its one moment at a time, one day at a time in PHP. I'm doing my work. Following my treatment plans. I'm getting better. I'm healing. And I'm grateful.
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