****Warning this is going to be a LONG blog****
I am going to do my best to keep this concise and easy to read. I have 5 feelings/scenarios that I need to write about to get out of my head, and its actually one of my goals for this week for PHP. So, if you are reading this, please be patient. I appreciate your support and kindness.
Let's start with Monday night's date night and Tracy's declaration that he was going to have lunch with Suzy on Tuesday.
Tracy and I had our regularly scheduled Monday night date night. We had planned a bike ride on the greenbelt. As we were driving, Tracy said, "By the way, just to let you know, I am having lunch with Suzy and the baby tomorrow." I didn't have an issue with him having lunch with them. However, I won't lie and say I felt a little bit jealous and slightly "slighted" that he got to see the baby again, when I have yet to actually see the baby. But I was letting that go. But the tone of voice he had while mentioning the baby illicited a thought process in my head. I asked him something along the lines of, "Do you ever feel upset or like you are doing something wrong because of our connection and relationship with Jared and Tytus and we don't have that with Suzy and her baby?" At least I think it was something like that. The reason I asked is because the sound in Tracy's voice when he mentions time with little Nick is the same tone of voice he has when he gets to spend time with Tytus who *is* our grandbaby via "chosen family". Anyway, that prompted more discussion than I had really meant to get into. It resulted in Tracy saying "It is understandable if Suzy and Tom do not feel comfortable having you in their home." That cut me to the core. It really had nothing to do with what Tom and Suzy may or may not feel about me. It had EVERYTHING to do with Tracy thinking that if Tom and Suzy thought I would physically hurt them or the baby that it was understandable to him. To me, he was saying, "Martha, it is perfectly understandable if people think you are a threat. I understand why people would think that of you." Which to me meant, HE thought that way of me.
***This is where I say that neither Tom nor Suzy have said anything to him or me about them feeling like I was a physical threat. This was all *MY* thought process and story that I had built up in my head***
This was an issue between me and Tracy. And it cut me so deeply. I had already been feeling like a burden and an albatross weighing my family down. The bills from all of my mental health stuff have started rolling in, and I was feeling very guilty about the amount of money being spent on me. Now I was "being told" I was some kind of dangerous monster that is a threat to people and people are afraid of what I will do them. (There are some things that created this thought process; it didn't happen just out of the blue. But without communication with Suzy and Tom, it was very easy for me to make up stories and put them on recurring cycles that got bigger and bigger as the days went by.) After Tracy said this to me, I pretty much lost it. It took me a while to sit in my car and calm down before getting on the bike. I was seriously contemplating how I could take my bike and kill myself. If my biggest support person thought I was capable of doing physical harm to anyone, then how much hope did I actually have for being a normal, rational human being? I must really be a monster if he thought that of me. I managed to collect myself enough to get on my bike and rise slowly (for me). But I didn't talk to Tracy the entire ride, and I kept leaving him in the dust. We got to a bridge to cross the river, and I stopped for a while and watched the water. I was taking into account the deepness, the swiftness, and what was under the water that I could not see. I wondered if I could actually kill myself by jumping off of the bridge. But then I thought about the search and rescue process. I thought about how much money that would be. I thought about what would happen if I didn't actually die but ended up causing severe brain damage and became a vegetable but still alive. Then I thought about other ways to kill myself that didn't cost as much money in recovery and were less messy. Again, I went to the pills. But my pills are locked up and I do not have access to enough of them to actually kill me. And yes, I thought about my family. In the end, I got back on my bike and started writing poetry in my head. I told myself to make it through the ride, and get home and start journaling. I was going to go home, shower, take ONE Valium and sit in bed and journal and then go right to bed. That seemed like the safest idea to me. And that is what I did.
I will say that this subject came up because (in my head) I was telling myself that since I had apologized to Suzy and Tom and had already met them face to face after the apology and they *said* they wanted me to be part of their lives and meet little Nick, it had not happened yet. I would not ask them about it again because I felt like I was harassing them and begging them to be part of their lives and I felt like if they wanted me to be part of their life, they would ask me to get together again. I didn't want to push myself on them. I want them to ask me because they wanted me in their lives, not because I was harassing them to be part of their lives. To me, that made sense. But also, to me, since it had not happened, it meant that they really didn't want me in their lives. (These are stories I was making up. It has nothing to do with anything either of them said. I was kind of okay with it. I had made my peace, and I understood that I might have done too much damage. It wasn't until I mentioned it to Tracy that he said that statement and I lost it.)
***This is where I will say that the stories we tell ourselves are so very powerful and create the world we live in...whether the stories are true or not. And in this case, the stories were NOT true, but I believed them so deeply.***
So Tuesday morning, I was so upset. I really thought my marriage was over with. I didn't want to kill myself anymore, but I didn't want to be here either. I almost took out $2000 from our bank and just disappeared. *almost* Instead, I created a facebook post telling people how I was feeling and where I would be. I told people where I would be in hopes that if I didn't show up to some place where one of my friends was also supposed to be, that they would alert the cavalry. It was a way for me to stay accountable to my mental health and staying alive. I got to PHP and was a crying mess. I had to explain things to my caseworker and to the nurse. They wanted to make sure I didn't need to go back into the hospital. I assured them that I was "safe". Then at 1pm, I got a big surprise. Suzy messaged me and invited me to her home to visit her and little Nick. Knowing that I had a therapy appointment that night, I figured that afternoon after PHP would be the best time and she told me she was free. So after PHP, I drove over there.
I had to ask for her address. Ever since she moved out of the house, she has not wanted me to have her address, or at least that is what it felt like. Whenever mail came here, I would ask her if she wanted me to mail it to her and she said she would just pick it up. I felt like she was trying to hide from me for safety reasons. She never said as much, but that is what I felt. The stories started building there. So when when she asked me over, I had to ask for her address (I think she had forgotten that I didn't know where she lived. That is another indication that these were *MY* stories and not hers.) Once I found her place and parked my car, I had a short walk to her apartment. In that time frame, every step I took was a step of courage. I was so freaking scared. I started to understand what Tracy had said about them being scared to invite me over. I felt like a monster capable of horrible things. What if I DID go into her home and explode? What if I DID go into her home and become the wicked which of Boise. What if I DID go into her home and do something stupid? I mean, I am currently seeking very intensive help for a mental illness and sometimes the DID I experience is very volatile. I started thinking, "I AM a monster. I don't deserve this. I should turn around and run away and make some excuses. I can't do this." With every step that brought me closer to her apartment, I started to shake. I was terrified. I thought maybe I would have a serious conversation with Suzy about how I felt...not because she did anything wrong but because I wanted to hear from her that I was just making up stories in my head. But then ultimately, I didn't have that conversation with her. Partly because I am afraid she would confirm those thoughts and fears, and then what? What would I do in her home if she did confirm those stories? No. I was not going to bring it up. I was going to walk into her home and focus on reconnecting and holding this little baby. One thing at a time. Meeting little Nick was big enough... and scary enough without bringing up scary conversations that really didn't need to happen in that moment..especially since she was the one who invited me to her place. That was enough for me to say, "She felt safe enough to invite me over. She must not think I am that big of a monster." So I took a deep breath and knocked on her door.
She told me to "Come on in." I walked in and she was sitting on the couch feeding little Nick. I kind of took a really quick look around at her apartment that I had never been in before. Then I sat down beside her and after a bit she offered little Nick to me. She said I was welcome to feed him, sing to him, rock him, whatever.... He started to get a little bit fussy so I stood up with him and bounced and rocked him and talked to him. I had yet to say his name. I really had no idea how I was going to do that. I had no idea if I could do that without bursting into tears. Holding this little baby of Suzy and Tom's..being in an apartment that was Suzy and Tom's..was a HUGE step in truly understanding that *MY* Nick was gone and Suzy had moved on. Now there is a little Nick named after *MY* Nick, and he is in my arms. Eventually, I heard my voice speak his name as I cooed to him. I don't remember my exact words, but I remember the words, "Little Nick" tentatively roll off of my tongue, like I was just putting on my first pair of roller skates and having no idea if I was going to fall flat on my face and break something or if I was going to be able to glide away easily and with grace. Neither happened actually. I didn't break down. But it certainly didn't feel graceful. There was a very distinct feeling when I called him by name. It wasn't pain. But it wasn't ease. It was just sort of.. "It is what it is." Little Nick is a precious little baby boy with a very sweet little face. He let me hold him and coo to him for an hour and a half. He let me feed and burp him. I watched as he slept in my arms and dreamed and his little eyes moved so fast and fluttered open and shut and he cried and took deep breaths and he dreamed some kind of dream. (What do babies who are a month old dream about anyway?)
Suzy and I talked about mom stuff. I inquired about her self-care. And ya know.. just regular conversation. I told her stories about my Nick she may have never heard because there was no reason to talk about baby things with her. It was surreal. I mean, this little Nick I was holding had no relation to my Nick, and that felt so odd. It wasn't like he was going to have any of the tendencies my Nick had. I had to keep reminding myself of that. I had to keep reminding myself that this was not my Nick's baby. You would think that would be easy for me considering his urn and pictures of him and Suzy were sitting on a book shelf in front of me. But nope. It wasn't easy at all. I had to remind myself that this is a step in accepting my Nick's death. And at the same time, I have no idea what place I hold in Suzy's life or in this little baby's life. Then I had to tell myself that it doesn't really matter. Take it moment by moment. There is no reason to borrow trouble or put labels on anything. Just relax in THIS moment with this little Nick in my arms sleeping and dreaming. Relax in THIS moment of sitting here sharing baby stories with Suzy, a young woman that I love and have watched grow up...share her happiness in this moment.. share her tiredness and relate to THAT. Relate to her as she is NOW..not what used to be or what dreams I used to have. The rest will work itself out. It was bitter sweet.
Tom came home from work right as I was about to leave. He gave me a huge hug and a kiss goodbye and told me he loved me. Suzy hugged me and told me she loved me. And both of them told me I was welcome to their home to hold little Nick anytime I wanted. I felt loved and accepted. I was not a monster after all.
I left their apartment and started my walk back to my car. Tears fell from my eyes. I wasn't a monster. I was welcome in their home. They loved me. I met and held and loved little Nick. I said his name. I survived. And I started a new chapter in my life. I had to face and accept that my Nick (while remembered) is not here anymore. Now I had to go to therapy and deal with the way I felt about Tracy and what he had said to me. Another deep breath and I got in my car.
So here is the thing about me, Tracy and therapists. We have had a couple of therapists here in Idaho over the last couple of years. One in particular we were seeing for a while. I would see her alone, and then she would decide that Tracy needed to be there. But while she was working with me, she would give me one opinion about Tracy and the choices he made (based on my side of the story). She would make very big statements about what she thought needed to happen and choices Tracy need to make to make me feel safe and secure. But as soon as Tracy came into her office, she would deviate from what she told me. It was so frustrating, and it made me look like a raving lunatic. I would tell Tracy what she said, but she would never tell Tracy herself...so then that left a window open for Tracy to believe that I was lying or manipulating him.
Yesterday was previously scheduled as an appointment for Tracy to join me in therapy with my new therapist that I have loved so far. The point of him being there was so that Casey (my therapist) could hear Tracy's point of view of when the other personalities came out. He also wanted Tracy to tell him what it looked like when I am happy (since Casey has only seen me in this acute hurting stage). This appointment was NOT scheduled for couples therapy. It was NOT scheduled for me to bring up something Tracy had said that hurt me so deeply. And I was terrified that what happened with our other therapist would happen with Casey and again, I would be holding the bag looking like a raving lunatic. Though deep down, I knew that Casey was the most genuine and compassionate therapist I have ever met.
Our session started and he asked Tracy to tell him what it looks like when I am genuinely happy. I sat there and listened to Tracy explain what he sees in me when I am happy. Tears of love fell from my eyes. Tracy described knowing I was happy just by how I breathed. He described a light that shone from my eyes. He described my posture as my shoulder back and my head up. The love in which he spoke about me was palpable. I cried. He didn't describe a monster at all. He described a beautiful woman.
Later, Casey asked me what had happened to make me feel as upset as I was. Before I could express that to him, I told him how scared I was that he would "side with Tracy" and not support me. The man literally stopped in his tracks and said, "Remember on our first meeting that I said before we started EMDR you would have to trust me and I would have to trust you. Now you are here telling me that you do not trust me based on previous therapists. Lets look at this and get it cleared up." He told Tracy that I was testing both of them in that moment. I was testing Tracy to see if he really supported me and would keep me safe. And I was testing him to see if he would support me and my recovery process and stand up for me in case Tracy hurt me. He got really frank with both of us. He told finally nailed it down... He told Tracy that what I heard when he said "It's understandable that Suzy and Tom wouldn't want you in their home...." that I heard, "I am a monster and unlovable. Even Tracy thinks I am a monster and he will not keep me safe." (Or something like that) Whatever Casey said was dead on! He was so freaking correct. I have NEVER had a therapist "get me" so thoroughly. And he didn't do this in a quick fashion. He literally stopped and took some deep breaths and got very clear on the intentions of his words before he spoke them in a very calm manner. He gently gave Tracy instructions and corrections. Casey stood up for me and stood by me. I have not felt so heard and understood by a therapist in 20 years! For that matter, even Tracy was impressed by the way Casey handled the matter.
By the time our session was complete, Casey had given Tracy (and me) some very clear instructions on positive non-reactive communication. He told Tracy that what I really need is to feel heard and if I feel heard, then I will feel safe. And when I feel safe, I can heal and we can grow stronger and some of these feelings I have felt for so many years will begin to dissipate. It was so beautiful and so elegant. He suggested to Tracy that the next time I say something that Tracy normally would feel defensive about, to stop, breathe and NOT get defensive. But instead, paraphrase what I said to show he heard me and then ask clarifying questions until I can get all of my feelings out and everyone understand how I am feeling and I feel heard. It might not be easy at first, but it will work. Tracy liked the idea and I did too. I have never heard that kind of suggestion from a therapist before.. where was that piece of advise when we were going to marriage counseling? Gah!
After therapy, I went to dance. I wasn't sure I would be able to make it, but Tracy drove me and I walked in. By the time we were done, I was feeling much better. I am so thankful for dance therapy! That night, Tracy and I sat in the hot tub. Casey had given us homework. We were to sit quietly and remind each other why we love each other.. what is it that we see in each other that makes us love each other? Surprisingly it was difficult for me to do this. Partly because I have had such a rough emotional time lately. And partly cause I was put on the spot. I knew I loved my husband, but damn if I could not FEEL it in that moment much less express it. Tracy told me that if I didn't FEEL it, then it was okay to skip it. But it wasn't okay. I knew I needed to do this, and I knew that once I started, I would start to FEEL it. So I started, and sure enough, I started to FEEL it. I do love my husband so very much. But in the middle of me telling him just how much I love him, he interrupted me with some snarky comment about me posting pictures of him. He sounded downright upset and angry. I was right in the middle of telling him how much I love him and how amazing he is, and something I said made him remember that he was angry about something. He had stopped himself in mid thought, but the damage had been done. It was a total buzz kill. Normally, I would get defensive and start a fight..or continue a fight that I thought he had started. But I took a breath. I paraphrased what he had said and then I asked clarifying questions. I told him I wanted to respect his boundaries, but if I didn't clearly know what his boundaries were, that would be difficult. So we nailed down those boundaries very clearly. It was a very calm conversation. Tracy felt heard, and I felt assured that he loved me and that we could continue on with our night without fights or hurt feelings. It wasn't until AFTER that conversation ended that I realized what I had done. I realized I had practiced what Casey had told us to do. This was a HUGE representation of what I had been learning since my hospitalization. I didn't do that because of what Casey said, it was done instinctively and based on what I had learned about boundaries in PHP. I felt empowered and loving. It was an act of respect and love for Tracy. It felt amazing. We continued our night in the hot tub with some more very deep conversations that I can not now remember. But they were profound :). Oh wait.. I remember but they are a subject for another blog; this one is long enough as it is.
So there you have it...a very long blog post about 5 very important thought processes and feelings that went through my head yesterday. Healing has taken place. Not just some little scratch on my arm that closed up, but a HUGE gash in my heart that was previously thought to be terminal and unrepairable. It's a start. The grief process and healing process is in full swing... nearly 5 years after Nick was killed. But here I am. I am grateful for the forgiveness shown to me. I am grateful for the love and support given to me. I am grateful for the opportunity for me to heal and grow in so many ways. I am grateful for my counselors, my teachers, my case workers, my support system, my family, and mostly for my own courage and tenacity. This isn't easy, but I'm doing it. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for bearing witness to my journey.
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