I have been doing alot of thinking lately. My thoughts go all over the place and about all different kinds of subjects, but all subjects lead back to or start from losing my boy and the way that my life has changed since November 10th.
I've been working on my compassion. See, here is the deal. You all know that I lost my son and he is never coming home. Never. I miss him like crazy. My family misses him like crazy. We will never get him back, and that hurts in a way that I can't even begin to explain. Last Christmas I listened as my single friends lamented over not having their children home for Christmas or having to share their children with their ex-spouses. I was bitter. How could they say this to me a month after losing my son. At least their children were going to be coming home in a week or 2 weeks. It hurt so bad to listen to them. I tried hard to put myself in their shoes.....but I had just lost Nick.
Then as the school year came to a close, I listened to friends talk about their children going away for the summer or preparing to leave for college. Again, their children are going away. I listened as they talked about how much they would miss their children. And of course they should. I would miss my children. I do my best to be a good friend. I do my best to listen to them and remember how I felt when Nick went away to college. I was sad and I would do anything to help him settle in and become successful. When he went away to college, I just KNEW he would come home. I KNEW he would graduate and visit. I knew he was always going to be there. Then he left ISU and moved to Florida and I cried. Now he was a country away, but I KNEW I would do anything and everything in my power to keep my family together. I knew there would be family visits and vacations and when he graduated he would continue to travel and go where work goes. But I KNEW he would always be here. Then he died.
So here I sit as my friends feel all sorts of emotions as their children are spending the week with the other parent or as their child gets ready to go off to college. I tell them, don't worry, they will be back. I pull all the compassion I can muster and remember how I felt when Nick left. Sadness. Hope. Excitement. All of it. But then I also feel the deep sadness as I listen to them cause I know that what happened to my son was a tragedy and an accident and that the majority of kids who go off to college come home safe and sound and they are truly blessed because their child will come home when mine never will...and if they would just remember that and count their blessings, they wouldn't feel sad. But, alas. I know better. I know what it is like drop a child off at college. And my heart goes out to my friends.
Like I said, I am working on my compassion and letting go of my self-centered anger.
Something else that has been on my mind... the way that my body has changed and or been affected by the grief of losing my son. This weekend as I got ready for our most recent belly dance performance, I took a long hard look at my body. Yes, I know that women are their worst critics. But this is more than that. I put on my costume and look at my body. I am still lighter than I was when I joined Weight Watchers, but I have lost muscle tone. I look deep in the mirror as I do my hair. My hair was due for a dye job, but more than that, the amount of gray hair coming out of my head has grown exponentially since November... a sign of stress and grief. I start to put my make up on. My face has aged years in the span of a few short months. The wrinkles that I had before have become more pronounced; they are deeper. And I have more and more wrinkles that were not there before November. The skin around my eyes has gotten so baggy it has gotten hard to put eye make up on smoothly. I look into my eyes, and its still there. I may smile, and at times I may even feel happiness, but deep in my eyes, I still see it. I still see grief. I see the change of my life in my eyes.
I have been going to WW and my weight is not really going down. But to be honest I am not eating the way that I should. I was, at first, but I kinda lost my gumption. And then there was injury. But honestly, at this point, I really think I joined WW just to keep me in check and to keep me from spiraling out of control the way that I was when Nick died. And that is what I have to keep remembering when I weigh in. *shrug*
But on the good news side of things....
Last weekend, we danced at Goddess Fest. Omi and I danced 5 dances (including our duet). We danced beautifully. The mess ups were graceful and not really too noticeable and I felt the joy back in my dance. There is something so magical about dancing barefooted in the grass under the open sky. I love to belly dance. I love the way it makes me feel. I love performing. And I'm so happy that this feeling is back. There were some huge doubts there for a while, but I'm so glad its back. It is what is keeping me hanging on when I feel like everything else is slipping away.
I'm doing my best to try to find my groove in this new world of mine.
Then there is this feeling I get when I think about all of the money people donated to us when Nick died. Everyone was so generous. I'm talking hug sums of money from some people. My family and I have had some pretty "big" expenses lately including a couple of vacations and sometimes I feel a bit "guilty" that we are not struggling for money now, but the money we have now is because of Tracy's work, not because of money that was donated to us in a time when we really needed that money. I am so grateful for that money. So now, I do what I can for those who need it. (I did it before.. I have always done it before, but now it just feels different. It feels like a way to help pay it forward and show gratitude to all of those people who helped us when we needed it most.)
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Time for Something Happy for a Change
My last few blogs have been pretty sad and I have mentioned a couple of times about my concern over Omi's sweet 16 birthday. I thought I would post an update......
We managed to sail through Omi's Sweet 16 with grace and ease and smiles on her face. Between "girl's day out" with pedicures, lunch and shopping and Roaring Springs Trip and her actual birthday day with her first taste of sushi, a visit to the chocolate bar, her tattoo, big ol' family dinner with crab, and presents and cake....by the time it was over with she felt thoroughly loved and supported and excited.
It's hard to decide what to do for your daughter's sweet 16. Or at last it was for us. If we were Mexican, she would have had a huge Quinceanra to celebrate her 15th birthday...complete with ball gown and DJ. If we were over the top rich and if she had tons of friends, I suppose it could have been a huge event like a wedding reception, but that is so not the way we do things around here, anyway. Besides, she really doesn't have that many friends. She has 2 girl friends she can count on. The rest are guy friends. I don't see them getting dressed up in ball gowns. *laugh* And add to that, dealing with the this mile marker birthday without her brother. So ya....we were at a loss as to what to do other than to surround her with fun things to do with the family. And to listen to my intuition. Naomi told me she had been looking for stuffed "rubber duckies" to cuddle with; but she had been looking on line and I only had 2 days to get one at that point. I went looking all over town. NOTHING. And I was all kinds of cranky. But I kept hearing Nick, "it's here; keep looking". I was in toys r us. He sent me there. He told me to keep looking. I went up and down isles. I went through the stuffed animal section. I went through the baby section. I went everywhere.. NOTHING. I was so damned cranky and feeling like a failure. Then all of a sudden, he told me to look down. I had been down this isle 3 times.. the stuffed animal isle. I looked down and there it was... a "rubber ducky" blanket that had a hoodie and a place to put your hands for the feet. It even has a duck tail in the back. And I heard Nick, "Instead of her hugging the rubber ducky, the rubber ducky will be hugging her and that is what she really needs, Mom." Then I went to Hallmark to go card shopping. A Sweet 16 birthday requires hallmark. I get so overwhelmed in that store when I'm looking for cards. But I kept hearing Nick, "Mom, there is a card here that is appropriate for Happy Orbit Day....it is from me. You need to find it." I looked. I found the cards for "Sweet 16" and I picked those out, but I kept hearing Nick. "It's here mom, find it." I kept scanning and looking. There it was. A card with what looked like the sun. On the front, it said, "Shine" and inside, it said something about adventure under the sun. It truly was an "orbit day" card. I hard Nick, "Yes! That is the one! That is from me!" So with tears in my eyes, I grabbed the envelope. Nick would be at her birthday. He picked out her present. He picked out her card. He would be there. I wrote in the card for him and shared this story with Omi...so she knew it was from him. But on the outside of the envelope it said, "To Omi from Nick" and it about made her cry. She managed to hold back the tears, and she felt him there with her. She KNEW the card and the present were from him.
Her other presents made her smile too. She had been asking for a FitBit like device, and Suzy made that happen with an actual FitBit and Omi is in love with seeing how her body is doing. Her Doctor Who Dress was a HUGE hit! The one hoodie she has been asking for ever since her last birthday came from Michael. It was a Toothless Cosplay hoodie...complete with wings, built in feet with claws, and removable tail. She was so freakin' excited!!!!! She also received a small stuffed Toothless from her grandparents, and she adores that. And then there is her tattoo. She laid on her belly while the amazing Donna worked on that tattoo for like an hour and a half. Omi didn't complain once about the pain. She actually almost fell asleep. She said it felt soothing. And later she told me she felt Nick caressing her arm and her back while she was getting her tattoo.
And at the end of her birthday, the whole family took a family photo of our memorial tattoos. I have to say with that picture, I felt a chapter close, and another page turn. Our story continues.
Yesterday after watching an episode of Heartland where the girl has a sweet 16 birthday party, if she felt like she had a happy sweet 16, Omi got this look that she gets when she feels really loved and smiled and said, "Yes, I had a great sweet 16."
We managed to sail through Omi's Sweet 16 with grace and ease and smiles on her face. Between "girl's day out" with pedicures, lunch and shopping and Roaring Springs Trip and her actual birthday day with her first taste of sushi, a visit to the chocolate bar, her tattoo, big ol' family dinner with crab, and presents and cake....by the time it was over with she felt thoroughly loved and supported and excited.
It's hard to decide what to do for your daughter's sweet 16. Or at last it was for us. If we were Mexican, she would have had a huge Quinceanra to celebrate her 15th birthday...complete with ball gown and DJ. If we were over the top rich and if she had tons of friends, I suppose it could have been a huge event like a wedding reception, but that is so not the way we do things around here, anyway. Besides, she really doesn't have that many friends. She has 2 girl friends she can count on. The rest are guy friends. I don't see them getting dressed up in ball gowns. *laugh* And add to that, dealing with the this mile marker birthday without her brother. So ya....we were at a loss as to what to do other than to surround her with fun things to do with the family. And to listen to my intuition. Naomi told me she had been looking for stuffed "rubber duckies" to cuddle with; but she had been looking on line and I only had 2 days to get one at that point. I went looking all over town. NOTHING. And I was all kinds of cranky. But I kept hearing Nick, "it's here; keep looking". I was in toys r us. He sent me there. He told me to keep looking. I went up and down isles. I went through the stuffed animal section. I went through the baby section. I went everywhere.. NOTHING. I was so damned cranky and feeling like a failure. Then all of a sudden, he told me to look down. I had been down this isle 3 times.. the stuffed animal isle. I looked down and there it was... a "rubber ducky" blanket that had a hoodie and a place to put your hands for the feet. It even has a duck tail in the back. And I heard Nick, "Instead of her hugging the rubber ducky, the rubber ducky will be hugging her and that is what she really needs, Mom." Then I went to Hallmark to go card shopping. A Sweet 16 birthday requires hallmark. I get so overwhelmed in that store when I'm looking for cards. But I kept hearing Nick, "Mom, there is a card here that is appropriate for Happy Orbit Day....it is from me. You need to find it." I looked. I found the cards for "Sweet 16" and I picked those out, but I kept hearing Nick. "It's here mom, find it." I kept scanning and looking. There it was. A card with what looked like the sun. On the front, it said, "Shine" and inside, it said something about adventure under the sun. It truly was an "orbit day" card. I hard Nick, "Yes! That is the one! That is from me!" So with tears in my eyes, I grabbed the envelope. Nick would be at her birthday. He picked out her present. He picked out her card. He would be there. I wrote in the card for him and shared this story with Omi...so she knew it was from him. But on the outside of the envelope it said, "To Omi from Nick" and it about made her cry. She managed to hold back the tears, and she felt him there with her. She KNEW the card and the present were from him.
Her other presents made her smile too. She had been asking for a FitBit like device, and Suzy made that happen with an actual FitBit and Omi is in love with seeing how her body is doing. Her Doctor Who Dress was a HUGE hit! The one hoodie she has been asking for ever since her last birthday came from Michael. It was a Toothless Cosplay hoodie...complete with wings, built in feet with claws, and removable tail. She was so freakin' excited!!!!! She also received a small stuffed Toothless from her grandparents, and she adores that. And then there is her tattoo. She laid on her belly while the amazing Donna worked on that tattoo for like an hour and a half. Omi didn't complain once about the pain. She actually almost fell asleep. She said it felt soothing. And later she told me she felt Nick caressing her arm and her back while she was getting her tattoo.
And at the end of her birthday, the whole family took a family photo of our memorial tattoos. I have to say with that picture, I felt a chapter close, and another page turn. Our story continues.
Yesterday after watching an episode of Heartland where the girl has a sweet 16 birthday party, if she felt like she had a happy sweet 16, Omi got this look that she gets when she feels really loved and smiled and said, "Yes, I had a great sweet 16."
Saturday, July 11, 2015
July 10, 2015 8 Months....Bittersweet
Okay, well I am not sure just how bittersweet anything is right now. This week has been HARSH. I have cried just about every single day this week. I have also found moments of hilarity and sweetness. So I guess "bittersweet" does fit how I feel today.
Today was 8 months since Nick was taken from us. My day did not start out well at all. First a distressed phone call from a friend whom we have been helping with her son in Arizona. Then a "discussion" with Nate on the way to take him to work. All of this before 10am. An my day was rush rush rush....trying to get ready for Omi's birthday on Monday. Yes, I know I have a couple of days before Monday, but I knew we were volunteering at the Zac Brown concert tonight and had to be there at 4:30pm, and I had to pick Nate up from work at 2 and get him to the bank. There just wasn't any time in my day today.. so it was rush rush rush. Saturday, we have belly dance rehearsal at noon followed by another appointment then I gotta get her to Nampa for her boyfriends family BBQ and Sunday we are going to Roaring Springs. So ya.. not alot of time over here.
This week has sucked on a level that I just can't even discuss on my blog.. and that sucks even worse.
I have said before that juggling the different grieving personalities in this house is difficult. We all grieve and need things at different times and in different ways. And I think when we are in the heart of it, we just want to rage against each other. At least that is what it has felt like this week. I have felt so very alone. I have felt like it was my job to care for everyone else, and everyone else forgets that I am hurting too.
I want so desperately to hold on to him. I want to feel his arms around me. I want to smell him. I want to hear his laughter. I want him to be here for Omi's 16th birthday. I want to turn back the clock and make all of this go away. I want to not feel anger. I want to be the happy person I used to be. I feel so different. Everything about my life feels different and not always in a good way. I feel like that I have not only lost my son, but I feel as though I have lost my family. I feel as though I have lost some of my closest friends (even though they would say they are still here.. its just not the same.) I feel like I have fallen into this vacuum and every once in a while someone turns it off and the suction goes away and I get this glimpse of freedom, but then they turn it back on and I'm immediately sucked back into this place that is often quite lonely and a place where only grieving parents live and understand.
I feel like no matter what I say or what I type, it is in danger of wreaking havoc in my relationships. I feel as though nothing is safe anymore. I feel like posting these blogs and being honest puts me and my family at risk, but I feel as though I am at bigger risk by NOT posting them. I feel like if I don't express myself I may just implode.
Tonight at the concert, Zac Brown sang Bittersweet and it brought me to tears......
Today was 8 months since Nick was taken from us. My day did not start out well at all. First a distressed phone call from a friend whom we have been helping with her son in Arizona. Then a "discussion" with Nate on the way to take him to work. All of this before 10am. An my day was rush rush rush....trying to get ready for Omi's birthday on Monday. Yes, I know I have a couple of days before Monday, but I knew we were volunteering at the Zac Brown concert tonight and had to be there at 4:30pm, and I had to pick Nate up from work at 2 and get him to the bank. There just wasn't any time in my day today.. so it was rush rush rush. Saturday, we have belly dance rehearsal at noon followed by another appointment then I gotta get her to Nampa for her boyfriends family BBQ and Sunday we are going to Roaring Springs. So ya.. not alot of time over here.
This week has sucked on a level that I just can't even discuss on my blog.. and that sucks even worse.
I have said before that juggling the different grieving personalities in this house is difficult. We all grieve and need things at different times and in different ways. And I think when we are in the heart of it, we just want to rage against each other. At least that is what it has felt like this week. I have felt so very alone. I have felt like it was my job to care for everyone else, and everyone else forgets that I am hurting too.
I want so desperately to hold on to him. I want to feel his arms around me. I want to smell him. I want to hear his laughter. I want him to be here for Omi's 16th birthday. I want to turn back the clock and make all of this go away. I want to not feel anger. I want to be the happy person I used to be. I feel so different. Everything about my life feels different and not always in a good way. I feel like that I have not only lost my son, but I feel as though I have lost my family. I feel as though I have lost some of my closest friends (even though they would say they are still here.. its just not the same.) I feel like I have fallen into this vacuum and every once in a while someone turns it off and the suction goes away and I get this glimpse of freedom, but then they turn it back on and I'm immediately sucked back into this place that is often quite lonely and a place where only grieving parents live and understand.
I feel like no matter what I say or what I type, it is in danger of wreaking havoc in my relationships. I feel as though nothing is safe anymore. I feel like posting these blogs and being honest puts me and my family at risk, but I feel as though I am at bigger risk by NOT posting them. I feel like if I don't express myself I may just implode.
Tonight at the concert, Zac Brown sang Bittersweet and it brought me to tears......
Monday, July 6, 2015
July 6, 2015 You Just Never Know....
And you probably take it for granted. I certainly did.
This week has been rough, and to be honest, it's probably going to continue to be rough for the next week or so as we get closer to Omi's 16th birthday.
As a parent, unless your child has a career where that child puts their life in the path of danger on a regular basis.. or has a job where that child could be called up to be put in the path of danger, you probably take the "goodbye" hugs for granted. You probably take the "I'll see you laters" for granted. You probably take those family vacations for granted. Why? Because always in the back of your mind, you fully believe that you are going to see that child again. It may be another year before you see them. Or it may just be a kiss goodnight with the full intentions of seeing them all sleepy eyed the next morning. Unless there is some extenuating circumstances, you completely believe that not only will you see your child the next day, the next month, the next holiday, the next year.....but you also believe you will see that child grow not just "up" but "old" for the rest of your life until YOU die. You NEVER imagine them going before you. So yes, you take those "goodbyes" and "see you laters" for granted. That is until... it happens.
One night you get a phone call with horrible news. And you find out that there will be no more hugs. There will be no more "see you laters". You have said your last one. You have gotten you last hug. When was it, again? What was the expression on his face? Did he laugh? What was that date? OMG. I can't remember the date of the last time I saw him alive.. the last time I hugged him "goodbye". There was no more "see you laters". That was it. But when was it??? Damn it, if I didn't take that day for granted!
That has been this week for me.
Nick and Suzy came to visit last year... at the end of June and beginning of July. The last picture I have of that visit was July 5th when Suzy, Nick and I went riding bikes on the greenbelt to get beers. I do not remember the date that they flew home. Usually, I have a mind like a steel trap, but that damned brain injury has wiped my memory. July 4th, was hard for us as a family. I purposefully found something that we have NEVER done as a family to create new memories. I purposefully did NOT schedule us to go to Ann Morrison for the fireworks since that is where we have gone the last 2 times we spent 4th of July with Nick and Suzy....where we went last year. But that didn't stop us from crying on the 4th of July. Nick loved that holiday. He loved fireworks.
And this week, I have been going over memories..the last days I got to spend with Nick. And I get so mad because I don't remember what the last day was. I took it for granted, and I don't remember that last hug...that last I love you... but I know it was right around now... and I'm sad. I miss my boy something fierce. I cry at random times. Can't stop it. Just do it.
Then there is Naomi's 16th birthday coming up. Most girls get so dang excited for their "sweet 16". Most girls dream of big parties, having all of their friends around, being happy and girly. Omi is looking forward to getting her first tattoo... her memorial tattoo of a brother who was taken away from her entirely too early in life. She cries. She wants nothing more than to get a "Happy Orbit Day" phone call and message from her brother. But it won't be coming. And she knows that. And she cries. There is nothing I can do to make that go away. There is nothing I can do to make her feel better about her brother not being here.
For that matter, there is nothing I can do for any of us who cry. Right now the entire house is grieving pretty deeply. We go through cycles...and the whole house goes through it together..without words..we just do. It's almost like a group of women who PMS together..a natural cycle occurs. I think the same thing happens with a family lives and loves together. We grieve together. The energy hits the house, and BAM.. we are all hit with a wave of grief. As a mom, I find this extremely difficult. Not only am I grieving, but I am navigating the waters of a grieving family. They all grieve in different ways. I try to support each one the best way I know how... while at the same time honoring my own grief. I try to help each one, but each one needs something different. Then each one has different feelings; grief is the gift that keeps on giving only it's like a surprise box... you never know what emotion you are going to get with each new "present" until you open it up and find anger jumping out at you...or fear...or acceptance.. or (enter emotion and stage of grief here). And as mom and caretaker, I get to juggle all of this and do my best to keep my family moving and together. I try to honor each persons' emotions and try to help as best as possible. And sometimes that means I push my own emotion down so that I can deal with whichever family member needs me in that moment.. and realize that sometimes that emotion that I am feeling right in that moment is best not felt until it is safe to feel it in the quiet of my bedroom.
There are nights I go to sleep, or at last I lie down with the intention of going to sleep, and all I want to do is cry. How can I face another day knowing that he is not here? How can I face another day knowing that there is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. How do I help my family go through their lives knowing this? How do I help them reach major life accomplishments knowing that their brother, son, husband aren't here to help them celebrate? How do I help Nate navigate life without his big brother to talk to? I know he misses his brother something fierce. Yet he is quiet and never mentions it.
I don't know how to keep on keeping on, but I know I have to. There is no option. We keep moving one foot in front of another hoping that the next day will be a little bit easier. We keep planning for the future, because we can't just stop time and live here in grief. We can't go backwards either. All we have is forwards, but what if with each day forward when the pain starts to decrease, our memories start to decrease as well. I have already taken my last goodbye for granted..what's next?
To whomever is reading this...please, never take your "see you laters" or "goodbyes" for granted. Never take that kiss goodbye for granted. Never take "I love you" for granted. You just never know when it will be your last.
Nick, where ever you are, I love you so much. I miss you. And I really wish I could have a do-over on that hug goodbye so that I could mark it on my calendar.
This week has been rough, and to be honest, it's probably going to continue to be rough for the next week or so as we get closer to Omi's 16th birthday.
As a parent, unless your child has a career where that child puts their life in the path of danger on a regular basis.. or has a job where that child could be called up to be put in the path of danger, you probably take the "goodbye" hugs for granted. You probably take the "I'll see you laters" for granted. You probably take those family vacations for granted. Why? Because always in the back of your mind, you fully believe that you are going to see that child again. It may be another year before you see them. Or it may just be a kiss goodnight with the full intentions of seeing them all sleepy eyed the next morning. Unless there is some extenuating circumstances, you completely believe that not only will you see your child the next day, the next month, the next holiday, the next year.....but you also believe you will see that child grow not just "up" but "old" for the rest of your life until YOU die. You NEVER imagine them going before you. So yes, you take those "goodbyes" and "see you laters" for granted. That is until... it happens.
One night you get a phone call with horrible news. And you find out that there will be no more hugs. There will be no more "see you laters". You have said your last one. You have gotten you last hug. When was it, again? What was the expression on his face? Did he laugh? What was that date? OMG. I can't remember the date of the last time I saw him alive.. the last time I hugged him "goodbye". There was no more "see you laters". That was it. But when was it??? Damn it, if I didn't take that day for granted!
That has been this week for me.
Nick and Suzy came to visit last year... at the end of June and beginning of July. The last picture I have of that visit was July 5th when Suzy, Nick and I went riding bikes on the greenbelt to get beers. I do not remember the date that they flew home. Usually, I have a mind like a steel trap, but that damned brain injury has wiped my memory. July 4th, was hard for us as a family. I purposefully found something that we have NEVER done as a family to create new memories. I purposefully did NOT schedule us to go to Ann Morrison for the fireworks since that is where we have gone the last 2 times we spent 4th of July with Nick and Suzy....where we went last year. But that didn't stop us from crying on the 4th of July. Nick loved that holiday. He loved fireworks.
And this week, I have been going over memories..the last days I got to spend with Nick. And I get so mad because I don't remember what the last day was. I took it for granted, and I don't remember that last hug...that last I love you... but I know it was right around now... and I'm sad. I miss my boy something fierce. I cry at random times. Can't stop it. Just do it.
Then there is Naomi's 16th birthday coming up. Most girls get so dang excited for their "sweet 16". Most girls dream of big parties, having all of their friends around, being happy and girly. Omi is looking forward to getting her first tattoo... her memorial tattoo of a brother who was taken away from her entirely too early in life. She cries. She wants nothing more than to get a "Happy Orbit Day" phone call and message from her brother. But it won't be coming. And she knows that. And she cries. There is nothing I can do to make that go away. There is nothing I can do to make her feel better about her brother not being here.
For that matter, there is nothing I can do for any of us who cry. Right now the entire house is grieving pretty deeply. We go through cycles...and the whole house goes through it together..without words..we just do. It's almost like a group of women who PMS together..a natural cycle occurs. I think the same thing happens with a family lives and loves together. We grieve together. The energy hits the house, and BAM.. we are all hit with a wave of grief. As a mom, I find this extremely difficult. Not only am I grieving, but I am navigating the waters of a grieving family. They all grieve in different ways. I try to support each one the best way I know how... while at the same time honoring my own grief. I try to help each one, but each one needs something different. Then each one has different feelings; grief is the gift that keeps on giving only it's like a surprise box... you never know what emotion you are going to get with each new "present" until you open it up and find anger jumping out at you...or fear...or acceptance.. or (enter emotion and stage of grief here). And as mom and caretaker, I get to juggle all of this and do my best to keep my family moving and together. I try to honor each persons' emotions and try to help as best as possible. And sometimes that means I push my own emotion down so that I can deal with whichever family member needs me in that moment.. and realize that sometimes that emotion that I am feeling right in that moment is best not felt until it is safe to feel it in the quiet of my bedroom.
There are nights I go to sleep, or at last I lie down with the intention of going to sleep, and all I want to do is cry. How can I face another day knowing that he is not here? How can I face another day knowing that there is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. How do I help my family go through their lives knowing this? How do I help them reach major life accomplishments knowing that their brother, son, husband aren't here to help them celebrate? How do I help Nate navigate life without his big brother to talk to? I know he misses his brother something fierce. Yet he is quiet and never mentions it.
I don't know how to keep on keeping on, but I know I have to. There is no option. We keep moving one foot in front of another hoping that the next day will be a little bit easier. We keep planning for the future, because we can't just stop time and live here in grief. We can't go backwards either. All we have is forwards, but what if with each day forward when the pain starts to decrease, our memories start to decrease as well. I have already taken my last goodbye for granted..what's next?
To whomever is reading this...please, never take your "see you laters" or "goodbyes" for granted. Never take that kiss goodbye for granted. Never take "I love you" for granted. You just never know when it will be your last.
Nick, where ever you are, I love you so much. I miss you. And I really wish I could have a do-over on that hug goodbye so that I could mark it on my calendar.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
July 2, 2015 Self Esteem.... A Crazy Thing...
Seriously it is. There are so many things that play into our self-esteem: how well we do our jobs, maybe the amount of money that we make/the ability to pay our bills and stay ahead of the game, the amount of friends or quality of friends that we have, the state of our romantic relationships, the way we see ourselves in the mirror, the kinds of things that we read, the amount of time we sit in front of a TV or computer screen allowing other people tell us what "perfect" looks and acts like. These are just a few things.
I used to teach self-esteem classes to tween girls. I loved teaching them. It was one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done as a volunteer. And now at the ripe old age of 46, I find myself re-evaluating this subject in my life. Looking from the outside in, you would see a successful romantic relationship with my high school sweet heart, the ability for me to be a stay at home mom for the last 22 years and vacations and house as financial success on our end, amazing children with great personalities, a so many other signs of a "happy life". And yes, my life is happy. There is no reason for my life NOT to be happy (aside from the grief over losing Nick). But if you had a chance to look inside at what I *feel* you would see something completely different that has nothing to do with my marriage, my children, my physical possessions. It really has nothing to do with the way that I see myself in a mirror either. Instead, its something a bit deeper and rather troublesome.
Ever since I bonked my head in 2013, my brain has not been the same. I know you have heard me say that over and over and over again. But it's the truth. And every time, I think: "Well, Let me go and do something different. It's easy enough, I should be able to handle it." I find out that the very simple things proves to be rather difficult, and it's probably a really good thing that I had to quit my brand new job when Nick died; I probably would have gotten fired, anyway! (Of course, grief has way of screwing up the head too, so I don't know how much of my brain is affected by what.)
But I have already talked about the amount of trouble I am having remembering choreography and performing on stage. Now it's something different. In spring/summer of 2013, I volunteered to work the merch table for the Red Light Variety Show. I was selling raffle tickets and merchandise. I was handling money. I found out then (just about 4 or 5 months post head bonking) that I could not handle money in quick/stressful situations. My brain was not working quickly enough. But here we are 2 years later. Since then (but before Nick died) I sold raffle tickets for Frankly Burlesque and had no problems. Fast forward to last night working the beer stand at the Idaho Center. I had people talking all around me. I had loud music playing. I had people telling me what beers they wanted, I was working a register that was new to me (no matter how simple it was), and I was handling money and calling out orders. Here is what I learned: I still have no short term memory. After I pushed the button on the register for the drink he guest ordered, I could not tell you what they ordered (other than its size..cause that was showing on my screen). And in a simple transaction of 1 beer for $8 when I was given a $20, and put it into the register correctly, I STILL gave man only $4 instead of $12 in return. Thankfully he caught it and came back to me. And I could not figure out what to do. And the people in the beer shack figured it out but must have looked at me like I was a crazy person.
With all of that extra stimulation (noise), I could not run a simple transaction correctly. And I wasn't rushed. It was slow.
So then add to other things like when I speak. I often still have a hard time being eloquent and making sense when I speak. Wrong words come out of my mouth all of the time. I am talking random words that make absolutely no sense to the sentence. (This happens in my blogs too...in case you were ever reading and thought.. "What the heck was that word in there for?")
So, if I can't speak, I can't type, I can't count money, can't handle a simple financial transaction, and do not have any short term memory.... and really alot of my long term is shot as well... what the heck am I going to do with my life? I often think about going to school. But how can I do that with a brain that works this way? The lady at the grocery store told me today that I need to go get on disability. Really? Why? We are not financially strapped. I don't need the money. But what if I was? How would I prove disability? And am I really disabled?
I used to remember things. Everything used to be easy. I play games on my computer trying to help my brain heal. Dancing helps the brain heal. But ugh! It's been 2 1/2 years since my brain injury. I used to be an avid reader. Now it takes me forever to read a book cause I have to read and re-read things. And don't give me anything technical or deep.. just forget about it.
I don't know. I guess, this just eats at me. I'm sure there are still jobs out there that I can do (if I wanted to get a job). But really.. with no short term memory, unable to be trusted to run a cash register....the jobs are very limited...especially since my passion is working with people. *laugh* Not sure why I am worrying about this.. as I am not looking for a job. However, as my last child grows up and gets ready to move out....and my job as stay at home mom kind of becomes obsolete...I am looking at my options. I have been encouraged to "do something" and find a "new identity" other than mom and wife. But where do I turn and go with a brain that is experiencing less than amazing results? *laugh*
And yes.. this plays a huge roll in my self-esteem. Finding something that you are good at, builds your self-eteem and gives you a sense of purpose. I know I am a kick ass mom to not just my birth kids but to all of the bonus kids in my life. But beyond that????
I used to teach self-esteem classes to tween girls. I loved teaching them. It was one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done as a volunteer. And now at the ripe old age of 46, I find myself re-evaluating this subject in my life. Looking from the outside in, you would see a successful romantic relationship with my high school sweet heart, the ability for me to be a stay at home mom for the last 22 years and vacations and house as financial success on our end, amazing children with great personalities, a so many other signs of a "happy life". And yes, my life is happy. There is no reason for my life NOT to be happy (aside from the grief over losing Nick). But if you had a chance to look inside at what I *feel* you would see something completely different that has nothing to do with my marriage, my children, my physical possessions. It really has nothing to do with the way that I see myself in a mirror either. Instead, its something a bit deeper and rather troublesome.
Ever since I bonked my head in 2013, my brain has not been the same. I know you have heard me say that over and over and over again. But it's the truth. And every time, I think: "Well, Let me go and do something different. It's easy enough, I should be able to handle it." I find out that the very simple things proves to be rather difficult, and it's probably a really good thing that I had to quit my brand new job when Nick died; I probably would have gotten fired, anyway! (Of course, grief has way of screwing up the head too, so I don't know how much of my brain is affected by what.)
But I have already talked about the amount of trouble I am having remembering choreography and performing on stage. Now it's something different. In spring/summer of 2013, I volunteered to work the merch table for the Red Light Variety Show. I was selling raffle tickets and merchandise. I was handling money. I found out then (just about 4 or 5 months post head bonking) that I could not handle money in quick/stressful situations. My brain was not working quickly enough. But here we are 2 years later. Since then (but before Nick died) I sold raffle tickets for Frankly Burlesque and had no problems. Fast forward to last night working the beer stand at the Idaho Center. I had people talking all around me. I had loud music playing. I had people telling me what beers they wanted, I was working a register that was new to me (no matter how simple it was), and I was handling money and calling out orders. Here is what I learned: I still have no short term memory. After I pushed the button on the register for the drink he guest ordered, I could not tell you what they ordered (other than its size..cause that was showing on my screen). And in a simple transaction of 1 beer for $8 when I was given a $20, and put it into the register correctly, I STILL gave man only $4 instead of $12 in return. Thankfully he caught it and came back to me. And I could not figure out what to do. And the people in the beer shack figured it out but must have looked at me like I was a crazy person.
With all of that extra stimulation (noise), I could not run a simple transaction correctly. And I wasn't rushed. It was slow.
So then add to other things like when I speak. I often still have a hard time being eloquent and making sense when I speak. Wrong words come out of my mouth all of the time. I am talking random words that make absolutely no sense to the sentence. (This happens in my blogs too...in case you were ever reading and thought.. "What the heck was that word in there for?")
So, if I can't speak, I can't type, I can't count money, can't handle a simple financial transaction, and do not have any short term memory.... and really alot of my long term is shot as well... what the heck am I going to do with my life? I often think about going to school. But how can I do that with a brain that works this way? The lady at the grocery store told me today that I need to go get on disability. Really? Why? We are not financially strapped. I don't need the money. But what if I was? How would I prove disability? And am I really disabled?
I used to remember things. Everything used to be easy. I play games on my computer trying to help my brain heal. Dancing helps the brain heal. But ugh! It's been 2 1/2 years since my brain injury. I used to be an avid reader. Now it takes me forever to read a book cause I have to read and re-read things. And don't give me anything technical or deep.. just forget about it.
I don't know. I guess, this just eats at me. I'm sure there are still jobs out there that I can do (if I wanted to get a job). But really.. with no short term memory, unable to be trusted to run a cash register....the jobs are very limited...especially since my passion is working with people. *laugh* Not sure why I am worrying about this.. as I am not looking for a job. However, as my last child grows up and gets ready to move out....and my job as stay at home mom kind of becomes obsolete...I am looking at my options. I have been encouraged to "do something" and find a "new identity" other than mom and wife. But where do I turn and go with a brain that is experiencing less than amazing results? *laugh*
And yes.. this plays a huge roll in my self-esteem. Finding something that you are good at, builds your self-eteem and gives you a sense of purpose. I know I am a kick ass mom to not just my birth kids but to all of the bonus kids in my life. But beyond that????
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