Seriously it is. There are so many things that play into our self-esteem: how well we do our jobs, maybe the amount of money that we make/the ability to pay our bills and stay ahead of the game, the amount of friends or quality of friends that we have, the state of our romantic relationships, the way we see ourselves in the mirror, the kinds of things that we read, the amount of time we sit in front of a TV or computer screen allowing other people tell us what "perfect" looks and acts like. These are just a few things.
I used to teach self-esteem classes to tween girls. I loved teaching them. It was one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done as a volunteer. And now at the ripe old age of 46, I find myself re-evaluating this subject in my life. Looking from the outside in, you would see a successful romantic relationship with my high school sweet heart, the ability for me to be a stay at home mom for the last 22 years and vacations and house as financial success on our end, amazing children with great personalities, a so many other signs of a "happy life". And yes, my life is happy. There is no reason for my life NOT to be happy (aside from the grief over losing Nick). But if you had a chance to look inside at what I *feel* you would see something completely different that has nothing to do with my marriage, my children, my physical possessions. It really has nothing to do with the way that I see myself in a mirror either. Instead, its something a bit deeper and rather troublesome.
Ever since I bonked my head in 2013, my brain has not been the same. I know you have heard me say that over and over and over again. But it's the truth. And every time, I think: "Well, Let me go and do something different. It's easy enough, I should be able to handle it." I find out that the very simple things proves to be rather difficult, and it's probably a really good thing that I had to quit my brand new job when Nick died; I probably would have gotten fired, anyway! (Of course, grief has way of screwing up the head too, so I don't know how much of my brain is affected by what.)
But I have already talked about the amount of trouble I am having remembering choreography and performing on stage. Now it's something different. In spring/summer of 2013, I volunteered to work the merch table for the Red Light Variety Show. I was selling raffle tickets and merchandise. I was handling money. I found out then (just about 4 or 5 months post head bonking) that I could not handle money in quick/stressful situations. My brain was not working quickly enough. But here we are 2 years later. Since then (but before Nick died) I sold raffle tickets for Frankly Burlesque and had no problems. Fast forward to last night working the beer stand at the Idaho Center. I had people talking all around me. I had loud music playing. I had people telling me what beers they wanted, I was working a register that was new to me (no matter how simple it was), and I was handling money and calling out orders. Here is what I learned: I still have no short term memory. After I pushed the button on the register for the drink he guest ordered, I could not tell you what they ordered (other than its size..cause that was showing on my screen). And in a simple transaction of 1 beer for $8 when I was given a $20, and put it into the register correctly, I STILL gave man only $4 instead of $12 in return. Thankfully he caught it and came back to me. And I could not figure out what to do. And the people in the beer shack figured it out but must have looked at me like I was a crazy person.
With all of that extra stimulation (noise), I could not run a simple transaction correctly. And I wasn't rushed. It was slow.
So then add to other things like when I speak. I often still have a hard time being eloquent and making sense when I speak. Wrong words come out of my mouth all of the time. I am talking random words that make absolutely no sense to the sentence. (This happens in my blogs too...in case you were ever reading and thought.. "What the heck was that word in there for?")
So, if I can't speak, I can't type, I can't count money, can't handle a simple financial transaction, and do not have any short term memory.... and really alot of my long term is shot as well... what the heck am I going to do with my life? I often think about going to school. But how can I do that with a brain that works this way? The lady at the grocery store told me today that I need to go get on disability. Really? Why? We are not financially strapped. I don't need the money. But what if I was? How would I prove disability? And am I really disabled?
I used to remember things. Everything used to be easy. I play games on my computer trying to help my brain heal. Dancing helps the brain heal. But ugh! It's been 2 1/2 years since my brain injury. I used to be an avid reader. Now it takes me forever to read a book cause I have to read and re-read things. And don't give me anything technical or deep.. just forget about it.
I don't know. I guess, this just eats at me. I'm sure there are still jobs out there that I can do (if I wanted to get a job). But really.. with no short term memory, unable to be trusted to run a cash register....the jobs are very limited...especially since my passion is working with people. *laugh* Not sure why I am worrying about this.. as I am not looking for a job. However, as my last child grows up and gets ready to move out....and my job as stay at home mom kind of becomes obsolete...I am looking at my options. I have been encouraged to "do something" and find a "new identity" other than mom and wife. But where do I turn and go with a brain that is experiencing less than amazing results? *laugh*
And yes.. this plays a huge roll in my self-esteem. Finding something that you are good at, builds your self-eteem and gives you a sense of purpose. I know I am a kick ass mom to not just my birth kids but to all of the bonus kids in my life. But beyond that????
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