Today was 8 months since Nick was taken from us. My day did not start out well at all. First a distressed phone call from a friend whom we have been helping with her son in Arizona. Then a "discussion" with Nate on the way to take him to work. All of this before 10am. An my day was rush rush rush....trying to get ready for Omi's birthday on Monday. Yes, I know I have a couple of days before Monday, but I knew we were volunteering at the Zac Brown concert tonight and had to be there at 4:30pm, and I had to pick Nate up from work at 2 and get him to the bank. There just wasn't any time in my day today.. so it was rush rush rush. Saturday, we have belly dance rehearsal at noon followed by another appointment then I gotta get her to Nampa for her boyfriends family BBQ and Sunday we are going to Roaring Springs. So ya.. not alot of time over here.
This week has sucked on a level that I just can't even discuss on my blog.. and that sucks even worse.
I have said before that juggling the different grieving personalities in this house is difficult. We all grieve and need things at different times and in different ways. And I think when we are in the heart of it, we just want to rage against each other. At least that is what it has felt like this week. I have felt so very alone. I have felt like it was my job to care for everyone else, and everyone else forgets that I am hurting too.
I want so desperately to hold on to him. I want to feel his arms around me. I want to smell him. I want to hear his laughter. I want him to be here for Omi's 16th birthday. I want to turn back the clock and make all of this go away. I want to not feel anger. I want to be the happy person I used to be. I feel so different. Everything about my life feels different and not always in a good way. I feel like that I have not only lost my son, but I feel as though I have lost my family. I feel as though I have lost some of my closest friends (even though they would say they are still here.. its just not the same.) I feel like I have fallen into this vacuum and every once in a while someone turns it off and the suction goes away and I get this glimpse of freedom, but then they turn it back on and I'm immediately sucked back into this place that is often quite lonely and a place where only grieving parents live and understand.
I feel like no matter what I say or what I type, it is in danger of wreaking havoc in my relationships. I feel as though nothing is safe anymore. I feel like posting these blogs and being honest puts me and my family at risk, but I feel as though I am at bigger risk by NOT posting them. I feel like if I don't express myself I may just implode.
Tonight at the concert, Zac Brown sang Bittersweet and it brought me to tears......
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