I can't believe it has been over a month since I have blogged! Crazy!
Life has been moving at a pretty epic pace. I can't explain everything that goes on around here, and honestly, you probably don't want to know. But there are some pretty impactful things that have happened in the last month.
Though, I took a week off of Keto while I was on vacation, I am back on the wagon now. Up until I took the week off, I had lost 15# and 19 inches. My jeans were starting to fall off of me. While on vacation, I gained back 6#. I honestly think that is because my tummy doesn't like traveling. Things are getting back to normal with my tummy and I'm back to eating right. So yay! Today, I had lunch with a friend who hasn't seen me in a couple of months and he said, "You look like you have lost alot of weight since I have seen you last." That made my day :). Though losing weight is not my main goal, it sure is a nice side affect. I'll take it.
You know, life changes can be pretty huge around here. I don't usually do change very well. And I will admit to spilling a great deal of tears over the last several months as I adjust to changes. With that said, I have also met some pretty awesome new people, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the growth that comes with change (no matter how painful or pleasant).
I think the biggest most significant change this month is that we no longer have "children" living in our home. Naomi is now an adult. She turned 18 last week. She still cuddles with me. She still kisses me. She still likes to hang around me. We still giggle like she is a kid. But chronologically, she is an adult. This milestone was hard for a couple of different reasons. The first being that I no longer have any "babies". My babies are all grown up.. well sorta. As a stay-at-home-mom this is a shift for me. Do I go into retirement? Doubtful. She is still a senior in high school, and she still needs her mom. All of my kids still need their mom at some point (even the bonus kids). I will always be needed; I guess that is a good thing. But the biggest bump in the road with this milestone was the fact that Nick was not here to celebrate it with her.
Naomi was dreading turning 18. Just like the rest of us, she does not look forward to big life milestones anymore. Or at least, some of the excitement has been taken away because we realize that Nick will not be able to celebrate them with us. They remind us that part of our hearts is missing. Naomi was really not looking forward to turning 18 without Nick. With that in mind, we did the best thing we could do which was surround her with great concerts and family. On the 12th we saw Matisyahu here in Boise. Then we got in the car and drove all night long to Denver so she could see Jack Johnson in concert. I watched her closely on the day of her actual birthday (the Jack Johnson concert). I watched her mood. I gave her lots of hugs. And made sure Nate was around her as much as possible. I watched as she laid back in the grass as she enjoyed Jack's music. I watched her bathe in the music and the lyrics. And truthfully, I cried while no one was looking. She was not feeling well at all that day. She was in a great deal of pain from the tummy issues she has been dealing with since February. I honestly thought for a moment I was going to have to rush her off to the hospital. Instead, she just laid back in the grass and relaxed into the experience. And I closed my eyes and listened and enjoyed the beautiful evening with my family.. always with a piece of my heart missing.
After the concert, while we were on our way to drop Naomi off at her Aunt and Uncles, I asked her if she had a good birthday. She said, it was the most epic way to turn 18. This made me feel better. Though, to this day, I feel bad because she didn't have a birthday cake for her birthday.
We spent the next couple of days with Trey and Misty (Tracy's brother and sister in law) and their 5 kids. We did the Denver Zoo, went shopping at a mall, played dominoes, went to Elitch Gardens to play in the water and ride roller coasters and even made a trip to Pikes Peak in Colorado Springs. It was a very busy vacation. We really enjoyed ourselves, even if some of us almost died on what we now call "The Swings of Death" at Elich Gardens. It is a brand new ride at the park. They are much like your typical fair swings that go around in circles; only this one goes up 17 stories or so. They actual name of the ride is Star Flyer. Eight of the eleven of us decided to ride this ride. That included my 8 year old niece, Jessica (Nate's girlfriend), and Misty (my sister in law) who are all afraid of heights. To be fair, Naomi and I are too, and we were on the ride as well. However, Naomi and I experience our fears in different ways and on different rides. Anyway, before the ride took off, they made an announcement that no cell phones were allowed to be out during the ride. If they saw someone take their cell phone out, they would stop the ride and bring us down. I get it. It's a safety issue. If a cell phone should drop from that rotating swing at that height and it hit someone, it could have killed someone. Sure enough, someone supposedly took out a cell phone. The operator stopped the ride and started to bring us down. But the ride malfunctioned and did a bit of a "drop" before catching itself. It was enough to scare the crap out of us. And then we were stuck up in the air several stories above the ground with nothing much holding us in for safety. Theresa, my 8 year old niece started crying. Misty, my sister in law who was sitting with me started yelling at the operator (who kept repeating the same stupid ass comment, berating the collective "us" for having a cell phone out and how its "our" fault the ride malfunctioned and we are waiting on maintenance to get us down). Jessica had her face buried in Nate's shoulder. It was a very tense 10 minutes. And it pretty much ruined the day for those of us who are scared of rides.
Interestingly enough, I have been facing a great many of my fears in the last several months. I guess vacation wanted me to face more of them. *sigh* I tried to ride a few more rides after "swings of death" but my heart wasn't in it. I found myself terrified of a roller coaster ride that had me upside down. I was scared that the harness that was holding me would malfunction and I would fall to my death. (I have never had that fear before.. ) I also found my head getting bounced around on some of these rides and giving me a headache. I really need a helmet for roller coasters! I decided to do the responsible thing and stop riding rides.
Then there was the drive to Colorado Springs. The last time we went to Colorado Springs, Nick was in 6th grade. I was trying to get pregnant with Naomi. So it was just the 2 boys at the time. We made a trip to the Air Force Academy because Nick really wanted to go there. We took a tour and visited with some people there. It was a great trip that year. But this year as we drove past the Air Force Academy, I felt tears well up in my eyes. Nick didn't end up going there, but that didn't stop the memory of him on that trip so many years ago. It didn't stop me from remembering how in awe he was and how big he dreamt. Yes, I cried. And again, no one noticed. (That is okay). We continued on the high way to pick up my mom from my Aunt's house where she had been visiting. After stopping to visit with my Aunt for a bit, we piled everyone in the truck and headed to meet Trey, Misty and the kids to head up to Pike's Peak. Again, the last time we went to Pike's Peak, Nick was with us. Instead of taking the train this time, we decided to drive up the road. It's a crazy road with steep cliff drop off without any rails to protect you from falling off. They have done car races on that road since 1916. Because that road is used for a race track, Nate was very keen on driving up that road. Tracy let Nate drive. I sat in the back seat, and I felt the fear welling up in my chest. There were times when all I could see was a road that lead up, curved, and all I saw was sky after the curve. I was terrified. I was petrified. When we stopped to walk around and take pictures, I asked Tracy to finish the last half mile up the road. I was so scared I was shaking. It's not that Nate was a bad driver. He was being very safe. But all of a sudden, this fear was taking over. (Like I said, the last several months have me feeling lots of fear.)
Finally we reached the summit and got out of the car. We were at a little over 14,000 feet in elevation. I really could have used some oxygen. It was hard to walk around and explore, but I did it. Poor Tracy spent most of his time sitting in the snack shop. It was too difficult for him to breathe. My mom walked for a tiny bit, but then spent the rest of the time sitting in the car. Nate insisted on hiking beyond places that made me terrified that he would fall off the mountain. (Whether that fear was founded on reality or not is pointless; I was just terrified. I don't want to lose another child.) We spent a good deal of time up there taking pictures and enjoying the scenery. It is very beautiful up there. The drive down was easy and included a nice thunder, lightning, rain storm.
Vacation was nice, but I spent a great deal of time missing Nick. He did show up in places. There was a guy in a rubber ducky shirt at Elich Gardens. We found a rubber ducky at Pikes Peak that was bought and brought back home. Nick is never far away from us, and I'm grateful for his presence in any way I can get it. But boy do I miss his hugs, and his voice. I really wish he could have been there for Naomi's 18th birthday. I wish she could have gotten that birthday call from him. Our family dynamics have changed, as most of you know. We didn't just lose Nick. We also lost a daughter in law as she moved on with her life. And Naomi felt that as well. Naomi got the generic "happy orbit day" message on her facebook from her, but that was it. That's all any of us get these days.. except for Tracy who sees her occasionally for lunch. Special days like birthdays are just very hard. It makes the changes in our life felt so much deeper.
Now that we are home from vacation, I am feeling some pretty deep grief. I guess its to be expected. Not only is there grief. But there is the "let down" from returning from vacation. It's coming back to normal life, which has been wrought with other kinds of changes and every day struggles and worries. Re-entry into normal every day life has been a bit difficult on me. It's a temporary thing, I know this. I know to let myself feel and heal as needed, so I will. I am grateful that I no longer turn to food to comfort me... well not really anyway. I am grateful that I can and do make better choices. I am grateful for friends that support me. I am grateful for a husband who loves me. I am grateful for kids who make me laugh. And I'm really grateful that in 2 days I get to hug my grand baby and celebrate his 1st birthday!
Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, but boy do I love it when it is!!!! Here's to more sunshine in my life!
