January 31, 2015 Words Every Parent Wants To Hear....

Today is such a beautiful day outside! I have not seen a day like this in SOOOOO long!   It truly is a magical feeling day filled with sunshine!  I have longed for a day like today since I have been home from Florida.

Naomi and I got all dressed, and Tracy drove us to our starting point of our training walk today.  We had 9 miles on the agenda today, and since we only have 1 car at the moment and Nate needed to go apply/interview for a job on  Orchard, I planned our walk for the Greenbelt  from Glenwood where Tracy could drop us off to Julia Davis Park then back to the Greenbelt Access on Orchard where Nate could pick us up.  It worked out just about perfectly with the timing.

Omi was in such high spirits.  I love seeing her wake up and get dressed for our "runs" and be excited about things.  She had a smile on her face and spring in her step.  Even when she was getting up "early" for a Saturday to do this.  I am amazed by her attitude.  Today marked a HUGE step in her training.

Last week while we walked on the greenbelt in Eagle, I would greet the people that we passed.  Omi was quiet and didn't greet people.  That is okay.  But today, we were on the very busy Boise Greenbelt and *she* was greeting people as we passed.  She was bubbly.  She was talkative.  The first mile she asked, "haven't we reached a mile yet?"  But after that, she reached "the zone" and didn't hear nor did she care about mile 4.  I had my phone on speaker mode so she could hear the music (Yes we were *those people*) and so she could hear the Runkeeper letting us know our mileage and pace.  She didn't hear miles 2, 3 or 4.  She didn't even ask about it.  At mile 5 she said, "I didn't even know we had gone 4 miles yet!"  That is HUGE.  That means she got into the zone with her training, talking, music, singing, dancing and was having too much fun to care!  Yay!!!!!

Today was a slow day.  I felt like a slug.  But the company was amazing.  To see the light in her eyes and smile, truly is a wonderful thing.  We had the music on Pandora on the "Set It Off" channel so it was playing *her* kind of music.  When "Dream Catcher" came on, she sang at the top of her lungs, kept her speed and heart rate up" and managed to sing on tune the whole time.  It was so fun to see and hear her having a great time.  We heard other songs and she talked about which songs keep her motivated to keep moving faster.  We played the "who sings this" game.  We even spent time talking about Nick. I encouraged her to talk about the memories she has of Nick. She said that talking bout him hurts, and  that she talks to her boyfriend, Kasey about Nick.  I told her that by NOT talking about him it hurts her even more.  I told her that the family NEEDS to talk about their memories and NEEDS to share with each other. It helps us all to sort out what is fantasy and what is real when it comes to grieving, and it helps us smile when we hear the silly things Nick used to do.  So she shared stories with me and the things she was really glad she got to do with him before he died.  She also shared with me some things she wished she could have done, but we didn't spend too much time on that.  I just acknowledged that feeling for her and shared with her that we all have those feelings and that is okay.

On our walk, an elderly couple rode by on their fat bikes. Our friend Kurt rides one and Omi mentioned that she missed him.  I agreed.  I missed him too.  Then later at Mile 8, we ran into him!  He was out on the greenbelt riding his bike.  We got hugs and visited for a bit.  OMG. I love that we get to run into people that we know and get random hugs!  It was perfect!  That made us both so happy. We adore Kurt and have really missed him.   We left Kurt with a little over a mile to go and we were 6 minutes late getting to our pick up spot. Oops.  So we hoofed it.  We only had to do 9 miles, but to get to our pick up spot, we had a bit longer than another mile to go.  We were just going to use the extra mileage as cool off time.

We finished our walk, and since we were late, Nate was not there. He had already been there once, but left to go see if he could retrieve his phone from his friend's house (he left it there last night).  While we waited for Nate, Jen (our belly dance sister/instructor) and her hubby Chris came out of a store right by us). Yay for more hugs!!!!  None of us were close by our homes and we don't live near each other, yet there we were running into each other!  Yay!  I love my small big city!

As we were finishing our walk, Omi told me that I had the best friends.  She told me that she loves that she gets to be friends with my friends and that if kids in high school were as cool as my friends then she would have lots of friends.  *laugh*  I love that I get to surround her with amazing human beings!!!! (I was just thinking about this earlier today..before she even  mentioned it.)  I love that I get to surround Naomi with strong, assertive,  creative, amazing women!  I get to surround her with men who are silly, charming, strong, respectful and creative.  She gets to see how healthy relationships between spouses/partners work.  She gets to see how healthy relationships between friends work.  She gets to see people reach for their dreams and achieve success!  She gets to see people from different back grounds.  And she loves all of these people and they love her back.  This makes me happy.

Anyway, it was a beautiful day for a 9 mile training walk along the Boise Greenbelt.  And the best part of all  Omi said.. "I am really proud of myself."  I looked at her and said, "Ya?  Why is that?"  Her reply, "Because I just walked 9 miles!"  YES!!!!!!!!!!!!   This whole process has been huge for her.  To see her blossoming right before my eyes has been beautiful!  Her self esteem has made leaps and bounds in 3 weeks.  Her self confidence has made leaps and bounds!  Her attitude about life in general has been transformed.  I'm not saying there won't be challenging days for her.  But the difference is so huge and I am so very grateful to have this tool called "running" to share with her and help her find her inner strength!  I'm not always the best mom in the world, but its  moments like these where I can say I really feel like I am doing something right!

January 30, 2015 In Spite of Grief.....

I managed to get most of what I had on my "to do list" done today.

I had HUGE plans for the day.  Get Omi to school, Tracy to work, Nate to his eye exam and then tackle the garage and the office and pay some bills.  It started out smoothly enough....

While I took Nate in to get his eyes checked, I thought I would have them check my glasses. I just picked them up something like 2 weeks ago, and this week while I was reading my book, I felt like my glasses were not working.  Sure enough, my prescription was wrong. It wasn't wrong because the doctor made a mistake; it was wrong because my eyes were too tense to begin with.  Now that my eyes are relaxed from the new glasses, they are having issues with the new glasses and we can get a "true" prescription.  Joy.  Gratefully, the new lenses will not cost me any more.  The doctor also said, Nate will likely have the same issues since he has been straining his eyes for so long.  (At least he got a warning.)

We came home and I checked my computer before hitting the garage and I found out that one of my favorite people from church died unexpectedly.  Jody has the best smile, the easiest laugh, and a magical way about her.  She was one of my favoritest people to hug when I went to church.  She was so full of life. She was truly the life of the party.  I bawled my eyes out.

I'm not sure when all this grief is going to end, but I sure wish it would happen soon!  Just when I think my heart can't take anymore, something else happens.  Seriously, universe.  I'm done.  I have reached my limit.  Thank you for thinking I am this strong, but seriously.. I'm done.  Now where is my beach vacation filled with dancing and laughter?

Filled with rage and anger, I went to the nearest MacDonald's and stuffed my emotions with toxic comfort food.  Then paid off a big bill.  Then came home and attacked my garage with a vengeance!  After moving and lifting heavy boxes, wood furniture, and big filled tool chests, the car can now be parked in the garage!  And I am very grateful for my friend Brandon who came by to give me a hug and make me laugh.  As usual, are jokes and silliness are not for the "pure at heart" and I think the nice Mormon lady across the street got more than she bargained for when she decided to ease drop on my conversation with the strange man who comes by to visit when my husband isn't home.  The song, "Let's Give 'Em Something to Talk About" comes to mind.

Beyond the garage, I managed to get the boxes unpacked in the office and got other things put away.  I still have a few more things in there to take care of, but I feel like Tracy can find some peace in the rooms that were driving him crazy.    Maybe he can find some order in these rooms now.

Tonight we went out on a date.  For a while there, I thought we were going to be able to have a dinner without talking about our grief.  That lasted about 45 minutes.  It's okay.  We still had a good time.  We even had cocktails at a bar while waiting for our table to get ready at the restaurant.  We treated ourselves to dessert.  And the move "The Imitation Game" was amazing (even if it did make me cry).  There were parts of the movie that reminded me of Nick.  Then the kicker was that Alan Turing was found guilty of homosexuality and forced to take hormones to chemically castrate him and make him "ungay".  Heart breaking (especially after yesterday's HB2 death in committee).

I am emotionally drained today.  But I am pretty proud of myself.  There are a few people on facebook that I really want to let lose on, and I am behaving myself.  My emotions are high and there is not one bone in my body that can act reasonably... so I just choose not to act.  *laugh*

Oh.. one more thing.....Today I was emailing Nick's boss at his lab at the college.  We were talking about Nick's upcoming graduation and about his article.  The publisher is binding the publication for us.  I knew that they were going out of their way for us.  But today I found out just how much they are charging the college for bound copies.. HOLY COW!!!!  I would have had NO CLUE it could cost that much!  I am very grateful for their compassion and kindness!

Here's to a new day tomorrow....hopefully the sun will shine and Omi and I will have a beautiful long walk tomorrow.

January 29, 2015 Today Can End Now, Thank You.

On so many levels, today just was not fun!

I know I have said this before, but everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is soooo much BIGGER when you are grieving!

Today's news about Idaho not passing the HB2 Bill to add Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity to the Idaho Human Rights Act had me seeing red.  I was fit to be tied.  I was crying. I was angry.  I was sad.  I was hurt.  And for the first time (with this issue) I really just lost my decorum and wanted to hurt someone.   My posts on facebook were very angry.  Usually I am all about love and light and the glass is half full and lets focus on supporting those are who support us.  But today it was, let's boycott the ones who don't support us.  I know that differentiation is a thin line, but it is an important line.  Stand up for what you believe do not fight against what you don't believe.  Today I wanted to fight!  I was so freaking mad!  I'm sure I made some not so great choices on facebook today.  Oh well.  I'm nothing if not authentic.  I have had a bit of time to kind of take a deep breath...it still sucks, but I can't change their minds today.  

Today was also a day with lots of crying about Nick.  I got an email from the head of the Physics department.  Nick's honorary graduation has been approved.  Suzy will be allowed to walk the stage and get Nick's diploma.  This was great news.  They had not informed Suzy yet, so I went upstairs and found her crying.  She had just gotten off the phone with the lawyers about the settlement.  They made a counter offer..... *sigh*  But she also got some good and very unexpected news.  My mom's car insurance is paying paying the estate $10,000.  That is great news.  But with ALL of this......*sigh*  It's just too much.  None of it is right. No amount of money is going to make Nick being gone right. No amount of money will bring him back.  The diploma is amazing, but it's not Nick.  

Suzy and I talked today. It feels like there are all of these things we need to check off our list to do regarding Nick.....insurance settlements, college graduation, memorial plaques....  It's a double edged sword.  With each step that we get accomplished, it feels like we are getting closer to Nick really being gone.  We know he is gone and not coming back, but as long as there is still all of "this" to do, it feels like we can still hold on to him.  But once we are done with it all..then what?  There is nothing left to do.  His estate will be closed.  He will have graduated.  We will have the printed version of his article.   Then it feels like he is really truly gone and it is just time to move on.  

Then tonight, Tracy and I found ourselves arguing over "little things" on the way to the gym.  We finally just stopped talking.  We got to the gym and did a 30 minute cardio and left. On the way home I asked if we are fighting over little things (like where the printer is located in the office or boxes in the garage that he wants in the attic) because its these little things that we can control when what we really want to control is the fact that Nick is gone and we want him back.  We can't control what happened to Nick so we are going to fight over something we think we can control now.  

We continued to talk once we got home.  Tracy feels completely out of control. He wants my car parked back in the garage.  The garage is filled with boxes and chaos. He wants the Christmas boxes back in the attic.  The attic door is in Suzy's bedroom and to get to it we need to move stuff.  I feel like putting things in the attic is getting in her way when we have to get to those things.  But Tracy needs this to feel "safe" or "in control". I get it.  I really do.  I told him I just want to be "heard".  When Suzy moved in, she took over his office upstairs. Tracy took over my dance/craft room down stairs and no one talked to me about how I felt about this situation.  So when I don't want a printer in the closet (I would prefer it on a shelf or a desk outside of the closet since the closet is packed with my costumes and photo books and sewing stuff), he gets mad cause he thinks I want it on his table/desk which already is packed with computer stuff.  I didn't feel heard.  

We talked it out.........really everything just seems so much bigger than it really is.  Grieving is hard freakin' work.  Tracy works full time and doesn't have much time to really grieve.  I can't imagine what it is like to grieve this hard and have to work and be boss with people depending on you, decisions to make, work to do.  I just can't imagine.  I suggested he take a week off to just "be" and let himself grieve, but I don't think he will do it.  And that is okay.  I love him and we will get through this.

We came in the house and I started dinner. Suzy came home from Belly Dance and I talked to her about moving some of her boxes in the garage into the attic and about moving Christmas ornament boxes there and reminding her we would have to get them out next Christmas.  She completely understood. We all have the need to feel like we are in control and that everything is in its place and orderly.  I mean NOTHING about Nick dieing is orderly and in place.  As a matter of fact, it is very out of order and nothing about it is right.  So if we can help Tracy by getting boxes into place and getting the garage cleaned up...then that is what we will do.  I get the same way when my kitchen is a disaster. When I came home from Florida and my kitchen was all out of whack, I thought I was going to go crazy.  Tracy didn't understand how I felt back then.  But now he is feeling the same way I felt.  We grieve at different paces.......we will get through this.

After dinner, we moved a bunch of boxes to the attic.  We got Suzy's computer and desk back in order.  I got the office kinda sorta picked back up (we had to empty out the closet cause we had the cable guy come and run cable in there).  The office still needs lots of work and organizing, but at least we are making progress.  Tomorrow, I will get the rest taken care of.  I also found the box with all the old photo books!!!  Yay!!!!!  I was so very sad when I thought I lost them in the move.  I realized I was missing a whole box of stuff that was in the office in the old house.  Tracy said he thought it was in the attic..sure enough it was!  

Anyway.. its been one hell of a day!  I'm so ready for it to be over with!

Here's to the sun rising tomorrow... and a new start.

January 28, 2015 Never Got Out of My Pjs!!!!!

Last night, I declared today a "Do Nothing Day".  Though I didn't exactly do NOTHING, I did manage to stay in my PJs all day.  *laugh*

Nate had planned on using my car all day so it was easy to declare today a do nothing day.  I got Omi and Tracy to school and work and came home to read my book: The Worst Loss by Barbara Rosof.

It's been an interesting book and maybe even a bit helpful.  Right now it has kind of been a review on what I already know about what I have been experiencing. I guess the validation is nice, though.   Today I started Part II: The Work of Grieving.  It says that this is the hardest work we will do because we want what we can't have (our children back).  Very true.  I kinda feel like a spoiled child having a temper tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants.  I get angry that Nick is gone and then I start lashing out.  And if I could just have what I want (my son back) then, life would be good.  Yup, typical spoiled child.  Eventually that spoiled child understands that she isn't gonna get what she wants, accepts it and moves on.  Though I think I might take a little bit longer than a tantruming 3 year old (fair warning).  

It continues to say that, though this is the most painful thing we will go through in our lives, the only way to stop feeling the pain is to actually feel the pain and move through it.  Gah!  But when we deny ourselves the pain, we actually cause ourselves more and prolonged pain.  Just what every person wants to hear!  This is kind of the way I feel about reading this book.  It's damn painful (like reading a parents story that was very similar to mine), but I need to get myself through it so I can learn how best to heal myself as well as help my family heal.  But I have to admit that when I got to the part that said the most intense pain of losing a child can last 2 years, I felt my heart clinch in fear.  TWO YEARS???!!!!!  Really?    Do you know how long 2 years is when you are in pain?  Do you know what I can miss in 2 years because I spend so much of my time in pain?  My daughter is 15 years old.. a freshman in high school.  I do not want to miss her entire high school life because I am in intense pain.  Nate will be 24 after 2 years....he could find the love of his life or have some major life changes in those 2 years.  Suzy's life could take a completely different twist in those 2 years.  I could lose a whole list of friends in those 2 years cause I have been lost to grief.  *sigh*  But yet, there is no way to speed this up.  I guess all I can do is my very best to stay as present and available to my family and friends.

In order to do this work of grief, it gives a list of tasks that must be completed.  They are listed in linear order, but do not necessarily happen in linear order. The first one is to face the finality that Nick is gone.  Tracy and I have talked about this one a great deal.  Tracy doesn't feel like he is denial about Nick being gone and that is what hurts him.  I, on the other hand, keep thinking "He is just in Florida at college. He will be done in May and I will get to see him then."  It's easy to keep this thinking since he was not living here when he was killed.  However, then I have the memory of him in the casket.  I know logically he is gone.  But its easy for me to go back to that denial.  Though I realize its not really denial as much as it is my grief taking a bit of a break while I continue about my daily life.  The book keeps telling me that in Chapter 9, it will discuss this further and give symptoms of this becoming problematic and how to deal with it head on if it does.  But right now, I do not think I am in complete denial or that it is affecting me on a permanent basis. I know Nick is dead.  But sometimes that fantasy is a nice reprieve.  

There was a part in the book that talks about Anger in the Acute phase of grief... I think I will type this word for word, because it described me perfectly and it's the way I feel about friendships at the moment:

"Anger.  You may also find yourself getting angry with and being rude to the people who most want to help.  Their very presence becomes an irritation, what you most wish is that they would leave you alone. Your feelings puzzle you, scare you, make you wonder if you're losing your mind. You're not.  You are so spent, so depleted, that you have nothing left, even for friendships.

It is worth saying again: You will not always feel like this.  The same symptoms and behaviors of acute grief that claim you and make you someone you hardly recognize are working to help you.  They are protecting you as you take in the news.  They are the evidence that all of your energies are concentrated on getting the painful reality into your head and your heart."

I think I need to come with a warning sign:  "Please excuse the bitchy mess.  I am currently undergoing emotional reconstruction."

Remember last week when I said I felt like training and running for the  1/2 marathon felt like me trying to walk my way to find Nick?  (or something like that)  Today I was reading and it said that everything I do toward rebuilding my life helps relieve the feeling of helplessness.  Training and doing this 1/2 marathon is a step in that direction (quite literally) and not just for me.  Dancing does that. And Suzy saying that the burlesque performance was like her coming out party did the exact same thing.  It is a way to rebuild our lives and relieve that feeling of helplessness.  It gives us strength to keep going on.  And by doing this, we will feel less punches to the gut.  We might still feel them, but they will become less intense the further we get into rebuilding our lives.  It also gives us a chance to "play" and take a break from grief.  It is double fold and works well for both of these.  

One of the biggest fears I had about losing Nick was how my marriage would handle this.  I remember YEARS ago, when we were living in Florida,  a couple losing 1 or 2 of their children to drowning in their back yard pool.  I remember how the couple struggled.  The wife looked like walking death every time I saw her.  He looked completely beat up.  I remember how happy they were as a family and a couple before this happened and the shocking difference after the death of their child/ren.  I worried that Tracy and I would not survive this.  

Tracy and I have survived unsurmountable odds as a married couple.  So many things in our lives should have torn apart our marriage.  Most people would have let it.  But we never have.  We have always worked our way through things together.  And we fully intend to do the same thing with this loss. But it is so very hard.  We are BOTH hurting.  This book talks about how married couples can be on different cycles of grief and how it can tear them apart.  I almost look at it a bit differently.  If we are both in the depths of grief together, then we can not help each other.  However, if one of us is feeling stronger than the other on a given day, then the one who is feeling stronger can be there for the other person.  But it is also important to realize when someone needs time alone.  

I think Tracy and I have been through hell and back and know each other pretty well.  We know when someone is hurting and needs to talk or needs time.  We know when one just needs to be held.  The book even  mentions the parents having different ideas of when to have sex because of loss.  All I can think about is everything Tracy and I have been through over the years and how, when I look at it, it has prepared us to go through this together.  In 26 years of marriage, we have built such an amazing relationship with strong communication skills.  With that said, I am sure that sometimes we are off sync.  We both grieve in different ways and we both need different things to help us feel better.  I may not know everything, but I do know that Tracy and I will make it through this together. And I am very grateful for the strong love and strong relationship we have nurtured for 31 years.......otherwise, we would be lost!

Tomorrow is a kind of lay low day. Nate needs the car again, but more importantly, we have the cable guy coming tomorrow.  His timing... "He will be here any time between 8 am and 5pm"  Ya...... I'll be doing some more reading tomorrow :). I start with How Children Grieve.   Who knows? Maybe I'll get out of my Pjs tomorrow!  Nahhhhhh!

January 27, 2015 Glimpses of Nick

Or a message... or... I don't know...

Yesterday was the first day for the hearing for Idaho HB2 (The bill affectionately known as the Add The Words Bill).  After 9 years, the legislature of Idaho has finally decided to give us a hearing to add "Gender Identity" and "Sexual Orientation" to the Idaho Human Rights Act.  Last year, I was arrested in a planned demonstration that we assumed would get us arrested...all in an effort to get the Legislature to hold a hearing.  When I got arrested last year, Nick was so proud of me.  He has always been proud of me for standing up for myself and for standing up for his friends when they were being harassed by the school administration.

I chose not to go to the hearing yesterday. I knew there would be testimonies from mom's whose children had taken their own lives because they could not handle the discrimination they were under due to their sexual orientation.  I knew their stories already, and even last year, before I lost my son, these stories broke my heart and brought me to tears.  I knew I was too fragile to hear those stories again.  It's just too soon after Nick's death to hear these stories. However, this morning, I had a change of heart.  It wasn't' so much *MY* heart that was changed as much it was a message from Nick telling me to get to the  meeting.

I thought it was because he wanted me to speak.  I thought he wanted me to stand up and speak for the kids and tell the stories.  I did go to the hearing.  I even signed up to testify.  Before they adjourned for recess, I sat through 1 1/2 hours of testimony, both for and against HB2.  It was an interesting experience.  I have never seen government work this way.  It was interesting from that point of view.  However, from a more personal perspective, it was heart breaking and amazing all at once.  I heard people speak who made absolutely no sense and then I heard people who were very clear and passionate about what they wanted (from both sides). I was amazed by a 13 year old young trans woman.  She was so eloquent and brilliant and inspiring!  I heard from 2 ministers who were in support of adding the words.  But the one that touched me the most.. and kinda of took my breath away was the man from the Humanist group here in Idaho.

He was straight. He was not religious.  He didn't talk about party lines.  His message was simple.  He didn't care what religion you prescribed to (or didn't).  He didn't care what your sexual orientation or gender identity was.  The only thing that mattered to him was equal civil rights and the separation of church and state.  His testimony was clear, concise, logical and unemotional.  He was fair and he was about facts.  He said EXACTLY what Nick would have said if Nick could have been there.  THIS is what Nick wanted me to see.  THIS is what Nick wanted me to go to the meeting for.  He is still proud of me.  But he didn't' need me to speak.  He needed me to hear him speak for me.    And then he needed me to take this message back to his fellow Secular Student Alliance group at FIT....  He wanted me to tell them that what they are doing matters. It matters beyond their college experience. He wanted me to tell them that they are the voice of reason and logic in a country that is being swayed by illogical emotional religious beliefs.  So I did pass on that message to them.

After the meeting was recessed, I watched as people exited the gallery.  I saw people see me and keep walking.  I watched as everyone left.  And I was left alone.  I sat on the bench in the garden level of my state capitol... alone....with the exception of a security guard.  And I cried.  I just didn't cry, I out right bawled and sobbed.  The security guard came to check on me and I waved him off with a half hearted smile.  I had no idea why I was crying.  I did feel utterly alone and sad though.  But I wasn't sure why I felt the way I felt.  I felt as though I had been invisible.... even to the people who had talked to me today.. with the exception of one person (who I believe Nick sent me to).

See yesterday, my friend Joe sent me a PM on facebook saying he thought he saw me in the hall way before the hearing and wanted to give me a hug and let me know he had been thinking about me after Nick's death.  I told him it was not me and he was glad he didn't hug a stranger. Today, I walked into a crowded gallery searching for a seat.  I saw an empty end seat on the back row... and it happened to be next to my friend Joe.  Once I was seated, he turned and gave me a huge hug.  Nick sent me to that meeting today to get that hug from my friend (finding him in the room would have been like finding a needle in the hay stack, and there are no accidents).

Nick knew what I needed today, even if I didn't.  Nick wanted to show me things. He wanted me to be clear on things. He wanted to send me a message. He wanted to send me a hug.  He wanted me to hear him speak for me.  And he wanted me to send words of encouragement to his friends at FIT.

Nick has very much been in my thoughts the last couple of days. Last night was hard for me.  I could not close my eyes without seeing him in his casket.  As soon as it started, I would try to picture him in other ways..some of my favorite memories of when he was alive.  But even those make me cry and so sad.  I had a hard time falling asleep last night.  However, gratefully, I have spent the last 2 nights in dreamless sleep.  It's been a nice break.  I guess Nick knew I needed today.

I didn't get any reading done today. But I did get some quality individual time with Nate and Naomi today. Nate and I had lunch together today. It was  nice to just be me and him.  He held me today and gave me hugs and listened to me today.   And Omi and I watched one of our favorite TV shows today, went to dance, and went grocery shopping together.  We talked about school; she is studying my favorite thing ever.. the Hero's Journey.. in English. I am so excited for her. I shared with her what the steps were and how they apply to her 1/2 marathon training and her life... in hopes that she would begin to see herself as her own hero.  I don't think this English lesson could come a better time in her life!  Funny, lately I had been thinking about the Hero's Journey training I used to give.  I guess the universe has been trying to tell me to pay attention... well I am paying attention now!  Thanks, Universe!

In case you were wondering, Naomi's Guinea Pig has settled in nicely. She is eating finally. She LOVES her hay and kale.  And Naomi takes her out after school and lays with her in bed. Annabelle lays on Omi's chest and is starting to make little noises when they cuddle together.

I have also noticed that Omi has been "lighter" ever since we have taken her electronics from her at night.  I let her know what we have seen in her. She says she still can't sleep and it hasn't help her sleep. I told her that wasn't the point.  The point was for her to not have the distraction while she tried to sleep and that she would learn to deal with the anxiety issues on her own and not depend on her boyfriend to make her feel better in the middle of the night.  And it is working.  She is lighter.  She is learning to care for herself and find her own strength.  And even with the adjustment for the new semester in school, Omi has been happier and bouncy like I haven't seen in a long time.  I think the combination of no phones, the one on one time training for her race, and her therapy Guinea Pig, and her new baby sitting gig that gives her a sense of purpose and responsibility , she is really doing well... or at least I see the old happy Naomi peeking through.

Now if we can just get everyone else in the family feeling a bit more normal and a bit lighter.......

I will keep working on that.

Here's to more brighter days.... and a "do nothing" day tomorrow!

January 26, 2015 A Quiet Day.....

All last week, I was crazy busy and feeling overwhelmed and could not wait for today when I could just decompress.

My whole house looked like a tornado hit it.  So today, I got 2 loads of laundry washed and dried... nope not put away.  I got floors mopped.  I did dishes and got counter tops and stove top cleaned.  And I spent time reading a book about grief from losing a child.

Okay, so while reading today, I realized one thing.  There is a reason books on how to deal with grief are not stocked on the book store shelves.  When you are grieving, these books are helpful (and no one reads them in an effort to educate themselves BEFORE they need it) but they are so hard to read! This is certainly not a "pleasure read".

There are things that I am reading that I already knew and there are things I am reading that make me go.. "ah, ya, I understand."  Granted, I am only 2 chapters in.  The first chapter was about how parents bond with their children and what they lose when one dies.  The 2nd chapter was on siblings and how they bond and what they lose when one dies.  The book uses real life examples/stories and yes, it is very hard to read.

But one of the things that came to mind today was something that has come to mind a couple of times, so I guess it is worth blogging about.

This book talks about a "canopy" of safety we build for our children.  It covers them and shelters them while they are so very young.  They depend on it, until they start getting older.   Even as they get older, there is still a bit of security under a "canopy", but when a family member dies, that canopy is torn to pieces and no one feels safe.

As a child I don't remember ever feeling very safe.  And as the book mentions, parents (either consciously or unconsciously) see having children as a "second chance" to make this world a better place.. to right the wrongs.   If you were abused as a kid, having a child of your own, gives you the chance to break that cycle.  (Seriously, that was the example they used.)  I found this interesting.  Not because that particular example is true of my life, but because I remember the day that whatever shred of "safety canopy" I had was shredded and the thought process I had as a result.

When I was 11 years old, in 6th grade, somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, our house caught on fire.  I had spent the night at my friends house.  My little brother had spent the night at his friends house.  My oldest brother had gone to work very early in the morning.  My parents left early int he mornings. And my middle brother was asleep in the house and woke up to smoke in his room (thankfully).  I didn't know my house was on fire until my friend and I were almost to my house and I saw the smoke and the fire trucks down the street.  My brother survived the fire.  But for the first however long it was, it was just me and him.  NO one else in the family was around and this was long before cell phones.  No one could get hold of my parents.  Mark just held me while we cried.  We had lost our cats and my birds to the fire.  Our dogs survived.  I guess they were outside.  I don't really know how they survived. But life as I knew it had been shattered.  For a few weeks, my family was separated into different homes/hotels until my parents could rent a home for us.  Then we were moved into a tiny tiny little house.

Yes, there was grief in this process.

In my 11 year old mind, and even as I got a bit older, I decided that everyone has to live through one house fire in their life. I had already lived through mine.  (Granted I didn't know anyone else who had been through one.) So I swore that I would not marry a man who had not lived through one.  When I started dating Tracy was I was terrified when I found out he had not lived through a fire.  But every day with him has given me time to heal that old way of thinking  But that way of thinking......"I don't want to marry anyone who has not been through a fire" was my way of protecting the people I loved. (In my little girl mind)  And today, as a nearly 46 year old woman, I wonder........."Does everyone go through the loss of a child?"  like I thought "Everyone must live through a fire once in their life..so find them early."   Logically, I know that not everyone goes through this loss.  But I *feel* that 11 year old girl in my head...that fear she had when the house caught on fire.. the tragedy she went through and survived and wanted to build up a wall to protect her young heart from that kind of stress and trauma again.  How can I protect myself and my family from going through this trauma again?  Can I wrap my children up in bubble wrap?  How can I mend that "canopy" so that they feel safe again?

I guess this book I am reading will tell me how I can help my kids.  I'm pretty certain there is no mending that canopy, but there must be a way to help them through this.  We are taking steps to help the kids through this, and gratefully I have done some online research and have already begun to understand how things have changed for my kids and I try very hard to help them with that change.  We will make it through this..... I just gotta get through this darned book!

January 25, 2015 Shake Shimmy and Roll

It's a burlesque kind of night!!!!

But before it was burlesque, it was church this morning......

Rev. Jackie talked about Worry and how it steals your happiness and keeps you from reaching your goals.  It was pretty interesting.  She started talking and for whatever reason, I kept correlating it to running a marathon and the things we do and learn while running.    I took notes and I guess I lost them and now I can't remember what I wrote down.   But what I do remember is that we need to dedicate ourselves to a/the higher power (whatever that looks like to you).    Once we do that, then we need to listen to that quiet voice that speaks to us.   The we need to take courageous action.   These 3 things relate to any goal you set in your life.  Running... dancing...relationships...everything.

Today it hit me about running...  We dedicate ourselves to this goal and and some kind of higher power.  In Religious Science we believe that we and God are one.. so we dedicate ourselves to ourselves.  Then we listen.  Often times while we run, it is quiet and we are alone and it is during this time that we get many insights about life and creativity.  I love the quiet moments on my run when I get the answers to the world :).  Running, taps me in to that higher power, clears my head, puts me in the moment and allows me to listen for answers.  It's amazing.  Then we must take bold action. In running, that means getting out and actually training and DOING it.  Push yourself to go further, go faster, be stronger.  Be bold.  Don't look back.  Just do it.  When we release worry, we are able to live in the NOW.  And in the present, there is only love and happiness.

Not sure if I spend my time worrying now or if I am just sad.  *shrug*  But I do my best to stay in the moment, and its hard when I am looking back and missing my son.  But I can tell you, that once I got home from church it was full on "in the moment" shit!  *laugh*  It was time to get ready for burlesque.

I came home from church, where I wore jeans and tshirt and went with wet hair.  I shaved my legs, put my hair in pin curls, ironed my pin up dress, put on my stage make up and got all kinds of dressed up.  *laugh*  I think its hilarious that I go to church in jeans and then go out all dressed up in pin up attire for the night.

I had the great privilege of helping Suzy do her hair.  She was so gorgeous tonight. Everyone told her how pretty her hair was and she just pointed to me and thanked me.  It was my honor to help her with her hair.  This whole burlesque process with Suzy has been amazing.  I love teaching and encouraging new fun things with my girls!  It has been so fun to watch Suzy blossom and come into her own through this experience.  That is what burlesque is all about!

We got to the bar early to meet with Shevaun and Linda (the other 2 in our dance).  We practiced on stage with the music on our phones and singing our version of the lyric-less song while we danced.  We were like silly kids just playing and being silly.  We didn't care who was watching us!  After we practiced we sat and visited for a while.  Linda just signed her divorce papers and this show was her "coming out" party as a single woman.  Suzy was looking at it as a "coming out" party for her as well.  Suzy said it was a "coming out" for me too.  Yes, I suppose so.  We three women all went through a major life change.. Linda divorcing, and Suzy and I losing Nick.  And there we were, all of us, smiling and celebrating life through burlesque!

There is nothing like the back stage of a burlesque performance.  Half dressed women, glitter, smiles, women helping each other in and out of costumes. It's a true sisterhood of love and encouragement.  I love that feeling.  And I got to watch Suzy and Shevaun and Linda experience it for the first time. It was so much fun!!!!

Suzy came up with an amazing name for our group, "Franky's Frisky Follies"  (Well it was Franky's Frisky Females, but Franky gave us Follies which was even better).  The 4 of us took the stage and shimmied our fringe off!  It was so much fun.  The audience was super amazing with lots of whistling, whooping and hollering!  We were flawless tonight!  And now everyone is addicted!  *laugh*  I am so proud of Suzy.

Tonight, the audience was filled with friends.  My friends Mishi, Chris and Dina came out to cheer us on.  Stef and a few other of Suzy's friends were out.  I had other friends from the community out there.  Man, I love how burlesque brings people together.

I am so very grateful for the gift of dance, creativity, artistry in my life!

January 24, 2015 Therapy of a Different Kind

Happy Saturday!!!!!  Okay, it didn't start out the happiest, but well good things happened today anyway.

Last night was more nightmares and weird dreams for both me and Tracy.  So a good portion of this morning was dealing with this stuff and comforting each other.   But soon we were up and at 'em.  Lots to do today, no time to hang out in bed all day.

We dropped off the truck we had been borrowing back to our friends house.  Tracy was in his house for a while and came out with 2 pugs and I thought he was bringing them home.  I would LOVE another dog and these puppies were so dang cute!  But alas, they were just coming out to show me how adorable they were.  Then of course, Tracy's allergies went completely nuts after holding the fur ball of love!

We discussed therapy animals.  Omi's therapist had suggested a guinea pig for her.  A cage was being donated to her and we just needed to take care of the rest.  Omi has been on pins and needles all weekend.  Tracy and I talked about cats and dogs, but honestly, I am allergic to cats and Tracy is allergic to dogs (so am I..though I try to deny it).  We already have 2 cats in the house and 1 dog.  When more dogs come into the house, my allergies get set off.  So.... a Guinea Pig it is, but we needed to wait until we got the cage.

In the mean time, Omi and I went out for our 7 mile training run for the 1/2 marathon which is February 14th.  I decided the route would be he Eagle Greenbelt starting at Eagle road and traveling east.  I like that route because it can be pretty secluded and it also takes us through a couple of areas with gorgeous homes.  It's not near as busy as the Boise Greenbelt.  Thankfully there was a bathroom about a mile in cause, we needed it!  *laugh*

We had gotten a few miles in and we were going at a faster pace than last week when I finally checked on Omi. She said her knee was hurting her and her heart felt like it was stabbing her chest.  This was the perfect time to talk about "the first mile is a lie" thought process.   Granted, we were already past the 1st mile, but when you are walking, it is really about mile 2 1/2 to 3 that you start feeling like you might want to slow down (instead of the 1st mile of running).  Your body starts screaming at you.  "Stop! You are killing me!"  "I can't breathe!  Slow down!"   "These legs are never going to keep going at this pace!"   This is a complete lie.    In running, its the first mile that gets you. Your body screams, "WTF???!!!!!  Slow down!" But once you get past that 1st mile your body is over the temper tantrum.  But for walkers, it takes a bit for that to kick in. And it's much like a panic attack.  It is your body have a physical panic attack and screaming at you to stop.  But this is all part of the mental game.     I told Naomi what to expect and what her mind and body will try to tell her.  I encouraged to say back to her body, "I am stronger than that!"  And to keep her visualization of crossing the finish line fresh in her mind.  Not just visualize it, but FEEL it!  What will it feel like to cross that line? What will she hear?  How will that hug feel from Christie?  How will the weight of the medal feel around her neck?  What kind of relief will she feel when she has done something she has been working so hard?

Omi worked through the heart stabbing feeling, and we kept going.  We got to our turn around point and I had a gut punch memory. Nick is dead.  Now, I know I KNOW this.  But sometimes, it still feels like a gut punch when I remember. I felt like crying.  Last week I felt like I was making a bargain with the gods, "If I walk 1000 miles maybe I can have Nick back."  This week I know better than that.  This 1/2 marathon is not about bringing Nick back.  It is about time with my daughter.  And I realized today that part of this is passing down the healing properties of long distance running.  So I started again.  "Naomi, sometimes while you are training or on your long distance races, you may feel emotional.  You may feel like you want to cry.  It's okay.  Cry.  Let it out.  Feel it.  And keep moving."  Lord knows I have cried at every single one of my races for one reason or another.

I guess I never realized the healing properties of long distance running/walking.  When we push ourselves beyond our limits, our minds really want to scream and tell us that it is impossible.  When we spend HOURS alone on a trail or on a path, we spend hours in our heads and sometimes when we do not have any distractions, it can go to dark places and this time alone is a good time to feel them and work through them.  This is also a time when lots of creative thinking happens.  It's a magical time.

All of this, I get to share with Naomi.  She is learning so much about herself in this training.  She is learning so much about how to face life's struggles while doing this training.  It is an absolute privilege to be training with her.

When it was all said and done, we finished 7 miles in 1:54:37 with a 16:21/mile pace!  We shaved off over a minute/mile today!!!!   Omi did such a great job today!  And honestly, that is the fastest I have gone since back surgery.

On our way home from our walk, we got the phone call that the Guinea Pig cage was ready to be picked up.  Tracy picked it up for us while we showered then we went shopping for the new therapy critter.  Studies show that Guinea Pigs will bond with their owners and know their schedule and when paired properly will be calming for their human counter parts.  When Omi's little critter was brought out of the cage at the pet store, she was all kinds of nervous.  But when put in Omi's hands, she was instantly calm, and even OMi's energy changed.  As a matter of fact, there were 2 pigs in the cage.  One was hiding in a little box and one was in the corner and neither was coming out.  But when Omi got close, the little one came out.  Omi knew that is the one she wanted.  She held her and there was an instant bond.  They chose each other.  Funny. Once Omi had her in her hands, the other pig came out of hiding.  *laugh*  Anyway, we picked out all the necessary items and brought them all home. On the way home, Omi named her Annabelle.  A sweet albino Guinea Pig.  Suzy helped me get the cage set up while Omi cleared off a space for the cage.  I carried Annabelle upstairs (still in her carrying box) while Omi and Suzy carried the set up cage up to Omi's room.  Then we put sweet little Annabelle in her cage.  Omi spent the next hour upstairs with Annabelle.  She is not supposed to get her out and hold her until Monday afternoon.  Annabelle needs time to get used to her new surroundings.  But for now, they seem to be in love with each other. Omi will use Annabelle as a means to help her with her anxiety and panic attacks in the middle of the night.  We took away her electronics and gave her a Guniea Pig.  When Omi wakes up in a panic attack, she can take Annabelle out of her cage and love on her and Annabelle will help her calm down.

Whew!  It's been a day!   Time to go cuddle with my hubby.

Thanks for reading!

January 23, 2015 Quite the Opposite of Yesterday!

Hey, everyone!

I know yesterday's blog post was a real downer.  It happens.  This week has been a rough week for the entire family.  Each one of us has struggled for various reasons.  But last week, I was having an amazing week.  This is just the way my life is at the moment.  I know several of you were very worried about me, and I am grateful for friends who are concerned.  I love you all very much.

In case you didn't hear, I did decide to go snowboarding with the family last night.  It was a bit emotional.  I had made a silent vow to myself that I would NOT go skiing at Bogus this year.  My kids grew up on that mountain.  Being there without Nick this year...and remembering all of the great times with all of the kids would be harsh.  And it was emotional. Nate held me in the middle of the "horseshoe" (That is the what the kitchen staff call the area where you get your food) of the Simplot Lodge as my eyes filled with tears.  Omi was having a panic attack on the slopes.  But even with all of that, we managed to have a great time last night.  We laughed.  We played.  For Nate, snowboarding is therapy, so this did him wonders!  For Tracy being up there with his friend from work and being silly made all the difference.  For Omi, I think just time with the family and facing her fears on Bogus helped (whether she will admit it or not).  And for me, saying hello to old memories and remembering my kids playing and the freedom I feel while shredding the mountain felt amazing.  It felt great to be up there!

Last night my sleep was filled with nightmares and weird dreams.  Each one of us at home has nightmares (about Nick) most nights.  None of us are alone in that regard.  The dreams are different, none of them are the same, and in probably most cases, have nothing to do with real life events other than he lived and he died and maybe something to do with our personal relationships with him.  Not all dreams are nightmares, but because they make us sad or emotional, they could be construed that way.  However, my dream last night was a flat out nightmare about Nick being tortured and brutally murdered.  It was horrific.  I woke up with my eyes wide awake, breathing fast and remembering that this is NOT real.  Then my dreams went a completely different direction to LDS type church and polygamist communities and babies being born to families and young married couples struggling to fit in to the old ways in hold hand me down homes with old hand me down furniture. Very interesting and stressful all at the same time.

Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling out of sorts just cause I didn't sleep well at all last night.  However, thanks to a great night of snowboarding last night, I was feeling re-vitalized and ready to hit the ground running today.

While I waited for Omi to get dressed and come down stairs, I checked my email.  And there, I got some of the best news ever!  Nick's article in Nature Magazine was finally released today!!!  This is a HUGE deal.  Only 1/3 of the people who submit to this publication get published and its even more rare for an undergrad to get published.  Nick knew he was being published.  He knew he was receiving this HUGE honor.  To have his name listed 2nd as the author (along side his Ph.d mentors) was HUGE!  This was going to be his key to get him into grad school!  How many people at 25 can say that they have changed science forever?  That they have left their mark on the world and how we look at the world?  Nick did just that!  I could not be any prouder! I could not shout this any louder!  I have shared it on Facebook. I sent an email to his high school principal.  I am even considering sending it to his Junior High VP (who works some place different now) just because that VP HATED Nick and thought he was nothing but a thug.  Nick may have struggled in school, but look at what he accomplished!  My heart soars!!!!

Nick's Article

I'm not going to lie, though.  Seeing the word "Deceased" by his name made me cry.  Seeing the photos that Nick was responsible for capturing made me cry.  I remember when he captured them and how excited he was!  He KNEW what a huge discovery he made.  Everything about this makes me cry.  He was still in college.... and look what he did.  The "what ifs" about what he could have done had he stayed on this planet boggle my mind.  Yet, I know that the mark he leaves on the scientific community is priceless!

Today, Nate, Suzy and I were hanging out in the kitchen talking about this and we all cried.  Nate gathered us in his arms and the 3 of us cried in our kitchen.  It was a happy cry, celebrating Nick.  The article is an online publication only, but the publishing company is binding it in hard copy for us.  Suzy said that if Nick had been alive, they would have gone out to have steaks to celebrate tonight.  So we will wait until the hard copies arrive, and THEN we will go out and celebrate with Steaks and Gitas!

Some more good news....  Today I got my Subaru back from the collision repair place!  Woohooo!!!! We have our own car back!!!  I could not be any happier!  This means that Nate can borrow my car to go on interviews or I can enlist him to help drive people around.  I don't have to be the only person driving all the damn time now!  Woohooo!!!!

Oh and even more good news.   My sister in law, Misty, sent me this message on facebook: "I just got the green light to work on my chamber ensemble piece dedicated to Nick called Swirling Cosmos. I mean, I was going to finish it anyway, but I'll be working with an experienced professional this way. " 

I can not wait to hear what musical creation she is birthing!!!!!  She totally made me cry with this news today!  

Yes, it has been an emotional day for the Spiva family, near and far!  But it has been a good day.

I'm grateful for good news today!  I'm grateful for the smiles I see on my kids faces today!  I'm grateful for the ability to weather the storms, even when they seem so dang bleak!  I'm grateful to YOU for reading this!

January 22, 2015 Can Someone Please Stop The Room From Spinning.....

I'd like to get off this ride.


When I was a little girl in Texas, there was a ride at Six Flags Over Texas that I absolutely could not stand.  I thought it was a waste of time to stand in line for, but everyone I knew loved the damn thing.  I can't remember the name of it, but it was this round "room" that you went into and stood up against the wall.  The room would start spinning and the centrifugal force was suppose to hold you to the wall while the floor slowing dropped out from beneath your feet.  Most of the time, I never stuck and it embarrassed me to no end.  I thought I didn't stick because I was too fat. I felt like a failure. That ride gave me soooo many self-esteem issues!

Today, I feel like I am on that ride all over again. Only this time, it is quite the opposite.  Everyone has slipped off the wall and are standing still on the floor just watching me spin completely out of control and STUCK in that mode and it sucks!!!!

The amount of grief that I see in my loved ones and that I experience myself is quite literally unimaginable.  There is no way for me to describe it.  I see Nick's close friends hurting.  I see my kids crying and having nightmares. I see their faces when it looks like life has been drained from their faces.  And I sit here as a "mom" and feel completely unprepared and unable to help them. Hugging them and telling them that I love them is all that I can do, and it does not seem near enough.  I'm at a loss.  All of my kids here have some kind of creative outlet and friends to go to and talk to.  But that doesn't seem like enough.  Omi is in therapy, the other 2 would prefer not to go.

And life, no matter how STUCK we feel, keeps on spinning and we just want off this ride.  Or at least, we would like a break and to be able to fall to that floor with the rest of everyone who seems to be completely relaxed and just going with the flow. But now we are stuck on this wall and feel like this is happening TO us instead of us taking life at our own speed.  How the hell do we get off of this ride?

This week has been so very rough for some reason.  I really can't explain why this week is any different than the week before.  But it just has been.  There has been lots of tears shed by most if not all in this house this week.

For me, I feel as though any extra stress is just going to have me exploding.  I can't commit to big challenges or changes in my life because I never know how I am going to feel from one  minute to the next.  Yet, I am the ONLY person in my house that has the "luxury" of not having to be somewhere most of the time.  I have to be places.. to drive people places. But I don't have school or work; nor do I have to find a job.  Everyone else in my family works, goes to school or needs to find a job.  Naomi has finals this week, and truthfully, I have no idea how she goes about her life the way she does.  How does she go to school and keep going?  I know she struggles, BAD.  I know she has panic attacks. I know she has nightmares.  But she keeps going to school (what other choice does she really have?)  Suzy works when she is scheduled. And yes, she has some bad days.  But she keeps going.  Tracy has been back to work since he got home. He took time off during the holidays, but he has been back to work and he is one of the big bosses.... meetings, interviews, looking for office space, getting his work done.. lots of stress in that job.  And he does it.. every day.  I know he struggles.  I know he wants to scream most of the time, but he gets through it.  Nate is having the hardest time finding a job.  Really, he is having the hardest time because he has no car to drive since the accident.  His car isn't working, and no job to get money to fix it.  My car is still in the repair shop and he can not drive the cars we have been using.  So he has been stuck in the house.  He rides a bike to try to find jobs around here.  He applies on line. He has had 2 interviews. Nothing.  He feels horrible. I can't imagine the grief he feels over losing Nick, over losing his job, over losing the cars AND the stress of trying to find a job and get his life back on track.

We are all doing the best that we can.  But sometimes I feel as though the best that I can do just is no where near enough.

Today I just really need a "hide under a blanket fort day", and yet that is not going to happen.  This morning Omi had an orthodontist appointment then we dropped her off to school for her finals and dropped Tracy off to work.  I came home to do this (this is as close to a blanket fort as I am going to get today).  In a little over an hour, I need to pick Omi back up from school.  She has early release today, but because of her ortho appointment, she has to stay after school to take her Spanish final; she she misses the bus.  Then she has therapy appointment.  And somewhere today, I need to find ski gear for everyone cause Tracy, Omi and Nate are going night skiing tonight with one of Tracy's friends from work.  I was supposed to go, but I just feel as though the world is caving in around me.  I need some down time.  I want to go with them, cause I feel like it will be fun and I could use some fun.  But honestly, I am also afraid of the memories that will pop up once I'm on that mountain.  I am barely hanging on by a thread right now.  I also have so much to do to get ready for my performance on Sunday night.   (I know. I know.  Sunday night is a 4 days away.  But tomorrow is filled with doctors appointments..my moms and Omis.  Saturday is filled with Voice lessons and long run for 1/2 marathon training.  And Sunday before the performance is church and picking up Kasey to come spend time with Omi since she is babysitting both Friday night and Saturday night.)  Oh and add to my busy schedule, I am afraid of hurting myself before my performance on Sunday, and I am already have some kind of muscle issue in my obliques that is cause severe pain.

Like I said, can this ride please stop spinning????

Before Nick's death, I could have handled a week like this like a champ!  I could have handled ALL of this like a champ.  But now, committing to coffee with a friend seems like a huge deal to me, much less committing to a performance and learning choreo and just generally living life.

January 21, 2015 Hanging With the President.....

But before I could do that.. there were HOURS of cold line waiting and HOURS of protecting our spot along the rail and trying not to get squished by mob mentality.

Suzy and I arrived at 8am just as the gates were opening to park in the parking lot by the venue so we could have our chairs to sit in.  However, within an hour of waiting in an orderly line, they decided we all needed to "move up".  The nice orderly line turned into complete chaos and mob mentality. People were who were in the very back just walked right up to the front.  People were angry.  We were squished and cold and cranky.  It was crazy.  And yes, I am PMSing and live with a very short fuse these days.  It took everything I had not to lose it.

However, we were still pretty close to the front of the line and gave us a great shot of the United States Secret Service Uniform Police Department at work.  A Uhaul backed in, and ONLY the USSS Police were unloading its contents.  It was the super special, government approved, metal detectors we had to walk through.  They were a bunch of no-nonsense type people.  They were very interesting to watch.  I love security stuff.  Watching the way that it all worked, made me miss my days in security and my days playing body guard!

I also loved watching the plain clothes secret service.  We decided (while trying to figure out how these secret service guys get to all of the places the President goes to) are the presidential equivalent to circus carnies.  *laugh*  Though the guy below always looked so serious and not so fun.

The whole thing just boggled my mind. Where did they get all the plain black secret service vehicles that they all traveled in?  The Secret Service has been at the University for 4 days getting things secure.  The President is going to be in Kasnas tomorrow, and I'm certain there is a crew there doing the same thing.  How they do they all get around?  How many of them are there?  How do the cars get back and forth?  It all just boggles my mind and I'm so curious about it all.

Finally able to get in, we ran to the front of the rail.  We were so excited.  The empty space in front of us was for the wheel chairs.  Yay!  No one standing in front of us.  Now if we could just get the people behind us to literally get off of our backs!  Seriously.   I stood a foot away from the rail bracing myself on the rail..just to make sure I didn't get squished.  Tracy was standing behind Suzy with his arms around her bracing himself on the rail..just to protect Suzy.  It's a good thing.  Cause the lady behind him was literally on his back..pushing and shoving.  The lady next to me had to tell the women behind us to back the heck off cause they were shoving us up against the rail.  I just stuck my tush out and moved around and danced to the music.  I guess they didnt' want me grinding my tush into them...so they backed off.    Then........"The White House Staff" said that there was too much empty space and they were going to grab people from the back and bring them to stand in front of us.  Umm.. hellooo... we have been standing in line since the crack of dawn..these people were JUST GETTING HERE!  Them were fighting words.  We had a few words with the volunteer staff, and they were very nice about protecting the space in front of us... and then they grabbed the little kids and put them up there to "fill space" and make sure kids had good spots to see over the wheel chairs.

Finally, President Obama arrived. It was really cool to see him in person.  A dream come true.  Though I was a bit disappointed at his attachment to the teleprompters.  At the same time, I realize that he just did his State of the Union and was now in Boise giving a speech riddled with Football analogies, talking about how the only thing "blue" in Idaho was the turf at BSU, and mentioning the specifics in the science being done at BSU.  I am not a complete idiot.  Someone else had to do that research and write that speech for him.  But uggg.. I just wish he could speak from the heart instead of the teleprompters.   However, I did hear him say "More better" in his speech.  I about died!  Ugh!   He was charming.  He was inspirational.  He was just about everything I had hoped for.

I am very grateful for the opportunity. As bitchy as I have been about all of this, it was a great day and I got to do something most people never get to do.... see a sitting President up close and personal. I really wish Omi could have been there.  He spoke about encouraging our young women to be strong leaders in the STEM field..and that is exactly where Omi is going.  It just made this more concrete.  Omi will be encouraged over and over and over again to go into that field and BSU has an amazing program just for that.

I wish Nick could have been there.  He would have loved what President Obama had to say about education and science!  He would have loved all of it!  I'm glad we got Suzy there.

Now... off to Mishi's house to hang out in the hot tub and try to warm up this body and relax this aching body from all of that cold and standing!

January 20, 2015 Feeling a Little Overwhelmed

I have no idea what happened in my sleep last night, but I do know that I woke up feeling very cranky and overwhelmed by life and feeling very sad.   Not the best way to start my day....

No matter how sad I might feel, though, I do find pleasure in goofing off in my kitchen.  I had a recipe for Coconut Jerk Chicken.  The recipe does not call for it to be made in a crock pot, and it certainly didn't call for celery or apples or sweet potatoes.  But all of that happened!  I added more curry and more jerk spice than required.  But in the end, it was very yummy served over brown rice.  Kinda like a spicy chicken stew.

The whole Obama visit is really cool, but I have to say that I wish he was coming on a different week, and the idea is stressing me out.  We stood in line for 4 hours yesterday just to get tickets.  It's general admission with thousands of people showing up.  Doors open at noon with a 2:45 speech time (supposedly).  The parking says there is VERY LIMITED and they are encouraging people to park in the garages downtown.  It's going to be cold.  The rules say take very limited personal belongings for security reasons.  So if you are parking downtown, it will not be easy to take chairs to the site to sit while you wait for hours to get a good spot.  It will be cold and they say to dress for the weather, but you can't take bags and you will be crammed into a smallish venue.   And to add to stressful, painful matters, the info I read today said it is a "standing" venue.  So we will be standing for hours out in the cold just to stand for 2 more hours inside with a couple thousand of our closest friends.  I don't want to sound ungrateful for such an amazing opportunity, but truthfully it sounds painful.  My back is already cranky from yesterday.

This week is a week of appointments, line standing, and rush rush rush.  I really miss have 2 cars available to us.  I really wish life was a bit easier at the moment.  Basically I just keep praying for a positive break.

Everything just feels overwhelming right now.... not enough time in my week....too many things to think about... too many things to settle.  I really do long for simpler days. When is life going to feel more like normal than rush rush rush all the time?

I actually think PMS may be taking over my body at the moment which is making everything seem so big right now.

With all of that said, there were some cool things about today.

1)  Omi leaving a sweet note for Suzy on the bathroom mirror this morning.
2)  Suzy replying with a sweet message for Omi on the mirror.
3)  Fun new choreo at belly dance today.
4)  Omi meeting Anne (Frankly Frankie) and Micah.  Omi will be babysitting this weekend for Anne.

January 19, 2015 A Presidential Gut Punch

Today was an interesting day with time for me to be in my head as I waited in line for 4 hours in hopes of getting free tickets to see President Obama speak at Boise State University on Wednesday.

First of all, last night, I had this great dream that made my heart smile.  I dreamt about this baby boy with rosy checks, a great smile and such bright eyes.  He was all giggles and grins as he was learning to crawl up steps.  He was so fun to watch.  Then I got closer and I held him and looked into his eyes as he giggled with delight and I saw Nick.  It was Nick as a baby.  I instantly woke up.... first with a smile and couldn't wait to go to his room and pick him up out of his crib.  Then a punch to the gut in the middle of the night as I realized, Nick isn't a baby.....and he is dead.  I wanted to cry right then and there, but I decided to be grateful for the happy, smiling face and visit I got from him in my dream.  I had a hard time sleeping after that.  It was certainly restless; of course, Omi's alarm clock on her phone which was in our room going off at 5:30 in the morning and then mine going off at 6:30 was not helping the matters much.  *sigh*

Once we finally rolled out of bed on our day off, I went straight to sweeping and mopping up my floors.  Man, they get dirty!  And I promised Omi Girl lunch at her favorite sandwich place so we got her up and moving.  I found out that tickets for the President's visit were already being given out to students and I thought for certain, there would be no way we could get our tickets and I didn't really want to stand outside in the cold.  I was ready to give up on that dream.  But Suzy REALLY wanted to go.  She couldn't go when he went to Florida Institute of Technology cause she had to work, and now she had opportunity number 2 (how often does THAT happen?) and she had to work again today.  So we decided to go and try our luck.  Omi can't go to the actual speech (thanks to finals), but she went in Suzy's stead today.  We got there around noon, and tickets were not being handed out till 4pm.  It was a long cold wait, but at least the sun was out!

During the wait, I walked around a couple of times.  Once I counted the people in front of us. 268 ahead of us (before people cut in line).   Then later around 3pm, I went to walk behind us to see how long the line was.  It went all the way around the football stadium and onto the greenbelt. And people were STILL showing up to get tickets!  It was insane!  On my way back to my place in line, I ran into my friend Donna and visited with her for a bit.  She shared a story about her daughter with me...and she cried and I hugged her.  It was a happy cry.  I love hearing people's stories...especially about their growth as a mom.   Then I went back to my family and as I walked towards my family I came across my former next door neighbor, Maxine.  She is in her 80's and she was alone and she was walking to find the back of the line (which I knew was WAY back there).  I told her to come jump in line with us.  She was carrying a little stool and she had a long ways to go and she was struggling.  So she joined us, and as neighbors do, she started asking about the kids.  She asked about Nick and Suzy.  I had to give her the news.  I was rather matter of fact about it.  I do alot of that actually.  I just talk about it (alot of the time) like it's just part of life.  And sometimes that is how I feel. But I wonder if that is just a coping mechanism.  Like deep down I am hurting, but on the outside my smile and my persona are different.  *shrug*  I don't know.

What I do know is this:  Nick would have KILLED for tickets to see Obama!  And he would have haunted me (not in a good way) if I had just stayed home and not TRIED to see Obama.......especially if that meant not helping Suzy get there.

We did get our tickets!  We are very excited.  Tracy, Suzy and I will be going. (Nate didn't want to wait in line for the tickets or the line that we will have to wait in to get into the venue on Wednesday.)

The last thing I really wanted to do after a long day of waiting in line was go to the grocery store, but we had a list of things that needed to be purchased, including food for the house!  While I was in the grocery store, Vanessa Carlton's song "A Thousand Miles" came on, and it hit me like a punch in the gut.  I will play the song with the lyrics for you.  Even as I listened to it tonight, it made me cry.

I really feel like this half marathon training OMi and I are doing is my way of walking 1000 miles to see my son....or at least to move on with my life.  That is what "running" is to me.  Training helps me clear my head and my heart.  It helps me focus on the now and find things to be grateful for.  And I would totally walk 1000 miles if it meant I could see Nick again.  God I  miss him.  I really do.      I kind of felt bad today, cause I have 2 friends on facebook who have lost their sons.  (Well I have more than that, but these 2 were publicly posting today about how much they missed their boys.)  And I thought... "Why don't I feel that way about Nick?  Why don't I feel so heart wrenchingly sad and missing him?  I feel like my life just goes on.  I must be a bad mother."   Really I do feel like a bad mother most of the time.  I mean, I just lost my 25 year old son 2 months ago, I should be shriveled up in bed and a crying mess.  Instead I am taking burlesque classes, getting ready to perform this weekend, making costumes, standing in line for tickets to the see the President, training for a half marathon with Omi and just moving on with life.

I know I am not suppose to judge myself for the way that I grieve or don't grieve.  But I just don't understand it.  And maybe it's not for me to understand.

But I can honestly say, today I was given 2 punches to the gut...and tears have been shed.  And man would I give anything to have that smiling baby back in my arms again!!!!  Hell, I would even take the mouthy obnoxious 16 year old that I wanted to kill when he got arrested back!!!!  I just want my boy back.  Plain and simple.

January 18, 2015 Let's Get This Party Started

Or at least some 1/2 marathon training, anyway.

Today is has been raining for most of the day and I woke up with some major back pain.  I was all about skipping our training session today.  But Naomi said, "But I need to start training."  So we put on our running gear and she pulled our her big rainbow umbrella that she got for Christmas and we headed out.

I know that doing a 1/2 marathon is a big deal already, but for Omi, this is a HUGE deal.  She has done several 5Ks with me, and they have always been a leisurely stroll and not competitive at all.  She does not run.  As a matter of fact, she has a doctor's excuse in PE that keeps her from getting her heart rate up.  Omi was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, General Anxiety, Separation Anxiety and PTSD just before school started.  Running in PE was causing her major panic attacks.  Running caused her heart rate to shoot up, she had a hard time catching her breath, she was afraid she would pass out in front of her classmates which caused a panic attack.  This means that in PE, all she has to do is a leisurely stroll.  We plan on walking the 1/2 marathon, but I do not plan on doing it as a leisurely stroll.  We plan on working for this medal.

Today as we started out, we went fast enough to get our heart rates up and to break a sweat.  It was also a bit chilly and damp out (which can make breathing a bit difficult for a person without issues).  I kept a close eye on her, and she did great.  Since this was our first time out, and since it was raining and we needed a bit of extra motivation, we decided to walk 2 miles to the bagel store to get sandwiches and then walk back. We walked the 2 miles at 17:25/mile.  We had our bagels then walked back.  She asked if we could walk a bit slower since we just ate.  We did, but it only brought down our time to 17:37/mile.  All said and done, we did 4 miles in 1 hour 10 minutes and change.  Not bad for a first training "run".

While on our run, we talked about ways to push through when pain hits or when she feels like she just can't take another step or breath. We discussed visualizing crossing the finish line.  I told her what she could expect from crossing the finish line at a Final Kick Event race.  Final Kicks is the best race organization in the area.  They are very friendly to walkers.  Christy (one of the race directors) will go out to meet the last racers out on the course and walk/run them in.  Or she will be at the finish line with the music pumping waiting for you to cross the line, put the medal around your neck and give you a huge hug!  I had Naomi picturing herself crossing the line, with Christie at the other end waiting for her, the announcement of her name over the PA... "Naomi Spiva crossing the finish line at 3 hours 45 minutes finishing her very first 1/2 marathon." And those at the finish line cheer and clap as she crosses the line, receives her medal and her hugs from Christie.    I saw Naomi's face as we talked about this.  She had a huge smile on her face and maybe even the start of tears in her eyes.  She wants this.  She is ready for this.  

We discussed our training plan.  We planned out what our mileage will be for week day walks and our mileage for our long walks on the weekends.  The race is in 4 weeks.  We are jumping right into this.  But I think she will be ready. I know she will be ready.  Her heart is in this.  She did great today and I am so proud of her!

How often do you get excited for your goals?  How often do you set a goal that scares the crap out of you and makes you stretch yourself further than you thought you could go.  My 15 year old daughter is doing this, and I could not be any prouder!  She is learning that she is much stronger than she think she is!  I love seeing the light in her eyes!

After the walk, it was time to hit burlesque practice with Suzy.  That is so much fun!!!  First we sat in a circle with the other members of our group and did a show and tell with our costumes in the making.  Then we practiced our routine over and over again.  There was lots of laughs.  We are a great group of women together.  The chemistry is awesome!

After class, Suzy and I came home and went to work on our costumes (bras and panties).  Naomi came down to join us with her own crafts and to give a lending hand and expert advise on costume design.  Omi has a great eye for clothing design.  All 3 of us made a mess in the kitchen and giggled and laughed.  Then Suzy and I showed Omi our dance.  I love these 2 girls!

This week coming up will be a whirlwind of a week (especially if I actually score tickets to President Obama's visit here at BSU this week).

Here's to a fun week of more dancing, creativity, walking, and getting healthy both physically and emotionally!