This morning, Suzy and I met some of the women I used to run regularly with (back before my back injury). I have not seen any of them in over a year now. We met them at Eagle Island State Park (near my house) to do laps around the park. The laps are a little over 2 miles each, and its flat. Today that "flat" was like an ice rink. It was very slippery and neither of us had traction devices on our shoes. Seeing the women again made me smile, even if it was just to say "hi". They were all running and we were walking. I really miss running. I was just telling my friend that the other day. I want to run but I am not sure if its an ego thing (being left behind and afraid of missing out) or if it is a real desire to run. (Though I think as I type this, I think I know what it is...... I'll get to that in a second.)
Like I said, it was nice to see the ladies again, and it was even nicer that I got hugs from them and none of them mentioned Nick or said the obligatory, "How are you?" or "I'm so sorry." It was just "Great to see you again!" That felt nice. With that said, the other day when I ran into my friend Tyna at the gym, she specifically asked about Nick and how everyone is handling things and had me talking, and that felt good too. I guess I just don't really know what I want. Sometimes I want to be asked, and at other times, I just want to be welcomed back like nothing ever happened (because I am more than just a mom whose son just died.) I guess if you are one of my friends, you are kind of damned if you, damned if you don't. *laugh*
Anyway, Suzy and I did 4.44 miles today on the icy trail. It was fun, and neither of us slipped and fell on our tushes, which was a pure miracle! It's good for both of us to get out and get some nature therapy.
Between back injury/recovery, moving into a new place, and Nick's death I have not been doing alot of exercising. And I have been watching my body change in ways that do not make me very happy. In an effort to feel more like my old self, I have been doing some form of exercising almost every day this week and it feels good :). However, I have a whole closet of clothes that are too small for me and very few that actually fit me and make me feel pretty. Worse, I don't have alot of pretty under things. YES! This is important! There is just something about the way pretty underthings make me feel. However, I HATE shopping for those things (at least at my current size). 1) No matter what size, bras are always over priced. 2) It's just next to impossible to find what I want. Anyway, I went shopping today. I went to Penny's first. They can have some cute stuff at reasonable prices (sometimes... as long as you are flexible in what you are looking for). Anyway, I found a couple of bras on a clearance wrack that said $9.99. They fit good and were kinda cute so I went to purchase them. When I was checking out, one of the bras was on sale, but rung up at $17.99. So I thought maybe I didn't notice an "and up" wording by the $9.99. I went back, found the exact same bra on the wrack that said $9.99 (no "and up") and it was also priced $17.99. I think someone put it on the wrong wrack. But with my anger issues, I felt my blood start to boil. I decided to leave Penny's and come back later when I had calmed down. Nothing good would have come from me talking with the anger boiling. (I forgot to go back later.)
As I walked toward my next store in the mall, I ran across another running friend, Jenny. Now, I have never run with Jenny; I just know her from the running group on Facebook. She is the kinda speedy person that would never run with me. Usually the speedy types run with other speedy types (which makes sense). Anyway, she saw me and came up to me with a huge smile and a genuine "How are you?!" and a hug. She is so sweet and always has a smile on her face. She is still recovering from the affects of chemo from colon cancer. She is pretty remarkable. She realized that we live close by each other and invited me out to run (or walk). I'm sure she has no idea how much that means to me.
With my surgery and my huge weight gain and loss of endurance and muscle and the recent events with Nick, I have felt so out of the loop with my running friends. I feel like I have been left behind. There is no way I can keep up with them, and I feel like a "tool" asking them to go at my speed. And I just feel out of place. Jenny and I have never hung out before, but there she was in the mall asking me to join her for a run (or walk in my case). It was one of the most loving things anyone could have ever done for me.
I know I said before that I feel like I have lost the old me. And I think feeling "left behind" by my running friends is part of that. I feel like I have lost a place and feeling of belonging... and community. I used to run and train with these women every week. And now.. nothing, and with that nothing came really NOTHING. I hadn't heard from them (nor have I really tried to contact them myself) until Nick died. Then I started getting messages of condolences. I'm not saying its their fault. Communication and friendship and community its not a single track relationship. I have certainly been quiet on my end as well. And now with the death of my son, I do not feel like the old me at all so I am not even sure where I belong anymore. I feel like people expect me to be the old me... smiling, happy, energetic and mostly I just don't feel like that. So to have Jenny invite me to run with her.. someone who knows what has happened and has known me via facebook only, it made me feel like I belonged somewhere and I could just be the me that I am now without expectations.
So ya.. I think the wanting to run again is influenced by a couple of things 1) There is nothing like the feeling you get from running 2) I love the connections made by running buddies 3) I love the accomplishment that comes from crossing the finish line of a race and pushing myself to do something I didn't think I could do before.
I am working hard to break ground for the new me. I have changed. Losing my son has changed me in ways that I have yet to comprehend. Things (and to a degree, some people) just don't seem as important as they used to be. They seem superfluous. The only thing I am certain about is that my family is the most important thing to me. Most of the time, I would just rather be with my family without any other distractions than anything else. At the same time, I want them to go out and have fun with their friends. I make plans to go out with my friends, and it is a real push to actually get me out the door. Some of my friends message me and all I wanna do is crawl into my hole and not respond. I feel like it takes too much energy, but at the same time I realize that if I don't care for these relationships, they will fall apart. But I just don't feel like I have energy. Anyway, I am trying to figure out how to wear this "new normal" that has become my life. It still feels awkward and like I am constantly adjusting it... like a bad fitting bra with a strap that keeps falling off my shoulder.. or like a wedgie from ill fitting panties... or like those girls who wear booty shorts but are not comfortable in them so they keep trying to pull the hems down further to make them longer. Maybe one day this "new normal" will feel right. Maybe I will grow into the "clothes of the new normal" that are too big for me....and will turn into this gorgeous bombshell of a new me! I'll keep my fingers crossed!
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