Nate had planned on using my car all day so it was easy to declare today a do nothing day. I got Omi and Tracy to school and work and came home to read my book: The Worst Loss by Barbara Rosof.
It's been an interesting book and maybe even a bit helpful. Right now it has kind of been a review on what I already know about what I have been experiencing. I guess the validation is nice, though. Today I started Part II: The Work of Grieving. It says that this is the hardest work we will do because we want what we can't have (our children back). Very true. I kinda feel like a spoiled child having a temper tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. I get angry that Nick is gone and then I start lashing out. And if I could just have what I want (my son back) then, life would be good. Yup, typical spoiled child. Eventually that spoiled child understands that she isn't gonna get what she wants, accepts it and moves on. Though I think I might take a little bit longer than a tantruming 3 year old (fair warning).
It continues to say that, though this is the most painful thing we will go through in our lives, the only way to stop feeling the pain is to actually feel the pain and move through it. Gah! But when we deny ourselves the pain, we actually cause ourselves more and prolonged pain. Just what every person wants to hear! This is kind of the way I feel about reading this book. It's damn painful (like reading a parents story that was very similar to mine), but I need to get myself through it so I can learn how best to heal myself as well as help my family heal. But I have to admit that when I got to the part that said the most intense pain of losing a child can last 2 years, I felt my heart clinch in fear. TWO YEARS???!!!!! Really? Do you know how long 2 years is when you are in pain? Do you know what I can miss in 2 years because I spend so much of my time in pain? My daughter is 15 years old.. a freshman in high school. I do not want to miss her entire high school life because I am in intense pain. Nate will be 24 after 2 years....he could find the love of his life or have some major life changes in those 2 years. Suzy's life could take a completely different twist in those 2 years. I could lose a whole list of friends in those 2 years cause I have been lost to grief. *sigh* But yet, there is no way to speed this up. I guess all I can do is my very best to stay as present and available to my family and friends.
In order to do this work of grief, it gives a list of tasks that must be completed. They are listed in linear order, but do not necessarily happen in linear order. The first one is to face the finality that Nick is gone. Tracy and I have talked about this one a great deal. Tracy doesn't feel like he is denial about Nick being gone and that is what hurts him. I, on the other hand, keep thinking "He is just in Florida at college. He will be done in May and I will get to see him then." It's easy to keep this thinking since he was not living here when he was killed. However, then I have the memory of him in the casket. I know logically he is gone. But its easy for me to go back to that denial. Though I realize its not really denial as much as it is my grief taking a bit of a break while I continue about my daily life. The book keeps telling me that in Chapter 9, it will discuss this further and give symptoms of this becoming problematic and how to deal with it head on if it does. But right now, I do not think I am in complete denial or that it is affecting me on a permanent basis. I know Nick is dead. But sometimes that fantasy is a nice reprieve.
There was a part in the book that talks about Anger in the Acute phase of grief... I think I will type this word for word, because it described me perfectly and it's the way I feel about friendships at the moment:
"Anger. You may also find yourself getting angry with and being rude to the people who most want to help. Their very presence becomes an irritation, what you most wish is that they would leave you alone. Your feelings puzzle you, scare you, make you wonder if you're losing your mind. You're not. You are so spent, so depleted, that you have nothing left, even for friendships.
It is worth saying again: You will not always feel like this. The same symptoms and behaviors of acute grief that claim you and make you someone you hardly recognize are working to help you. They are protecting you as you take in the news. They are the evidence that all of your energies are concentrated on getting the painful reality into your head and your heart."
I think I need to come with a warning sign: "Please excuse the bitchy mess. I am currently undergoing emotional reconstruction."
Remember last week when I said I felt like training and running for the 1/2 marathon felt like me trying to walk my way to find Nick? (or something like that) Today I was reading and it said that everything I do toward rebuilding my life helps relieve the feeling of helplessness. Training and doing this 1/2 marathon is a step in that direction (quite literally) and not just for me. Dancing does that. And Suzy saying that the burlesque performance was like her coming out party did the exact same thing. It is a way to rebuild our lives and relieve that feeling of helplessness. It gives us strength to keep going on. And by doing this, we will feel less punches to the gut. We might still feel them, but they will become less intense the further we get into rebuilding our lives. It also gives us a chance to "play" and take a break from grief. It is double fold and works well for both of these.
One of the biggest fears I had about losing Nick was how my marriage would handle this. I remember YEARS ago, when we were living in Florida, a couple losing 1 or 2 of their children to drowning in their back yard pool. I remember how the couple struggled. The wife looked like walking death every time I saw her. He looked completely beat up. I remember how happy they were as a family and a couple before this happened and the shocking difference after the death of their child/ren. I worried that Tracy and I would not survive this.
Tracy and I have survived unsurmountable odds as a married couple. So many things in our lives should have torn apart our marriage. Most people would have let it. But we never have. We have always worked our way through things together. And we fully intend to do the same thing with this loss. But it is so very hard. We are BOTH hurting. This book talks about how married couples can be on different cycles of grief and how it can tear them apart. I almost look at it a bit differently. If we are both in the depths of grief together, then we can not help each other. However, if one of us is feeling stronger than the other on a given day, then the one who is feeling stronger can be there for the other person. But it is also important to realize when someone needs time alone.
I think Tracy and I have been through hell and back and know each other pretty well. We know when someone is hurting and needs to talk or needs time. We know when one just needs to be held. The book even mentions the parents having different ideas of when to have sex because of loss. All I can think about is everything Tracy and I have been through over the years and how, when I look at it, it has prepared us to go through this together. In 26 years of marriage, we have built such an amazing relationship with strong communication skills. With that said, I am sure that sometimes we are off sync. We both grieve in different ways and we both need different things to help us feel better. I may not know everything, but I do know that Tracy and I will make it through this together. And I am very grateful for the strong love and strong relationship we have nurtured for 31 years.......otherwise, we would be lost!
Tomorrow is a kind of lay low day. Nate needs the car again, but more importantly, we have the cable guy coming tomorrow. His timing... "He will be here any time between 8 am and 5pm" Ya...... I'll be doing some more reading tomorrow :). I start with How Children Grieve. Who knows? Maybe I'll get out of my Pjs tomorrow! Nahhhhhh!
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