This morning, all I wanted to do was sleep (since I didn't sleep much last night). But alas, I had a busy day ahead of me. Until further notice (or at least until Spring and Motorcycle weather), I am the only way people are getting anywhere, which makes me a very busy person! I left this morning for the final time at 8:45 or so and I didn't get home till 6. During that time, I shopped, had lunch with Tracy, shopped some more, went to the gym, picked up Tracy and went to the grocery store then home! Crazy day!
Last night, just as I was going to bed, I received an email from Frankly Frankie, my Burlesque mentor, with the ideas and thoughts for our performance which is next week. I have a week and a half to get costuming together. The last one I made for burlesque took all of my free time. *laugh* This one should be a bit easier, or at least it looks like it should be. There is no stripping in this routine so I don't have to worry about quite as much. However, I DID just go bra shopping and spent a small fortune and bras, and its freaking hard to find the right bra (even for burlesque). So, I wanted to use one I already bought, but find a way not to destroy it. I also had some specific ideas for my bottoms so the fringe I needed to be longer than a couple of inches. Gratefully, one of my burlesque sisters sent me to Home Fabrics to find the fringe. It was fringe heaven!!! Angles sang as I walked down the fringe isle!
I found the perfect fringe, and then ended up heading to the mall to take another look at bras, just in case. Nope. Nada. Nothing! However, while walking through the mall, for whatever reason, I started thinking about some of our very first friends we had when we first moved here 12 years ago. Jeannie and Bryan. We were really close with them. They had a daughter a year or 2 older than Nick. Bryan used to go skiing with us alot when we moved here. Nick loved Bryan. We used to head out to the lake with Bryan to go wind surfing. We spent alot of time with them. I don't know if they know about Nick. It's been a while since we have seen or spoke with them. But for whatever reason, I all of a sudden had a vision in my head of meeting them again, and doing what parents do.....catch up and ask about each other's kids. I pictured what it would be like to tell them that Nick was dead. A punch in the gut! It was almost as bad as the moment I found out about Nick. I just about dropped to my knees right there in the mall.
How did that happen? Did I really forget that Nick was gone? Had all of my shopping and all of my prepping for burlesque gotten me to forget that I lost my boy? Then I wondered what would happen when I am "finished" healing.. if that is ever a thing. Will I just go on about my days and forget about my son? I know logically that I will never forget about him. But in this moment, just a 2 months after his death, isn't it too soon to be going about my day and forget about him? I don't know.
I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, but I kept moving on.
I got the rest of my shopping done and I was focused on the task at hand. Then it was time to hit the gym. I had an appointment with the trainer to learn how to use the sand bells (bags filled with sand in various weights and used like dumb bells or kettle bells). To be honest, I was trying to get out of this. I was hoping that Nate would need me to drive him to an interview, but he didn't. LOL. I forced myself to the gym. The session was hard. We did 3 sets of the same exercises, but the reps started with 20, then 16, then down to 12. After the first set, I really didn't think I would be able to keep going. But I sucked it up and kept fighting. I am stronger than that. And sure enough, I made it through and I didn't even puke. My heart rate got up; I got my sweat going and I learned a new workout routine. In case you are counting... that is 3 out of 3 days I have been in the gym! Go me!!!
Yesterday, my friend and I talked about our goals. He joined a weight loss competition and was encouraging me to join as well. Here's the deal. I am scared to make any real goals beyond a daily goal to take care of myself. Why? Because I feel like my life is kind of like a punching bag right now. I am afraid that if I make a huge goal, life is going to come along and punch me in the gut and keep me from reaching that goal, and honestly, I don't think I could take that kind of let down again. So for now, my goal remains to get more dance in my life, make little changes consistently, and work towards getting back to the size 10 I was before I injured my back. I am afraid that this size 10 will take much longer to get to since I am not running. I am not sure that I can run. My knee is cranky, even from the exercise I am doing. I am afraid running will really take my knee out. The trails are not the best for hiking right now. So I am just doing the best I can do. One day at a time. Get some kind of exercise in daily... walking, dancing, or the gym. Drink 1 soda a day (in the morning or in the afernoon for a pick up). Drink water the rest of the time. Order water at restaurants instead of soda. These are things I CAN do and will help in the long run. This is good enough for now. Maybe later, I will make some more major adjustments, but for now... this is good.
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