January 16, 2015 Parenting, Panic and Grief

My brain is a jumble with all kinds of thoughts today....

Having a young adult son die with children still at home is a challenge that no one can really train or prepare for.  There are all sorts of things that complicate the matter and turn it from just grief over a lost child to a whole bunch of other issues.

Earlier in the week, I saw a meme that was a graph (of sorts) demonstrating the grief and secondary loss caused by the loss of a spouse.  Since it was my son who died, I didn't really give it too  much thought.  I did look at it and think about Suzy and saw how it applied to her. But I did not give it much thought about how it applied to me.  It mentioned the loss of a spouse being the primary loss, but then it talks about the secondary things you may experience grief over, like the loss of income, loss of identity, that kind of thing.  Today I started thinking about what secondary loss might look like in my life.  How else does the loss of Nick affect my life?  What else am I mourning?   How does it affect other people in my family?

For Me:
Initial Loss:  Nick.
Secondary Loss:  A bit of my identity as a parent (even though I still have children at home), Loss of future/dreams, Loss of family structure/identity, Loss of "time" (having all of a sudden having to deal with things/people/situations that I had not planned on dealing with that are taking more of my time, Loss of a job (mine),  A bit of a financial loss (my job as well as some savings that we were counting on)

For My Kids:
Initial Loss: Nick
Secondary Loss:  Loss of family structure..where do they fit now that things have changed, Loss of time with mom when they needed me the most and I was in Florida and even now as I am still trying to juggle life here with my mom, Loss of income (for Nate as he lost his job due to grief over his brothers death).

I am not certain if any of those are correct or if I missed some or whatever, but what I do know is that the grief we all feel is much more than just losing Nick.  It's the other things around Nick... a brother to talk to, a Son to count on for the younger ones to go to, moving mom and Suzy here and readjusting family structure.  There is just entirely too much to cope with around here.  It's just more complicated than "Nick died.  I'm sad. Next."

One of the things that hit me like a ton of bricks last week or so, is that maybe Naomi was beginning to feel left out.  I remember when I was her age.  It actually started when I was 11 or 12 and my brother Mark (who I looked up to as a Dad) went into the Navy.  I felt like he was leaving me and it broke my heart.  I counted on him for so much (even if he didn't realize it).  He went away, but he came back to visit and he sent me letter and sent me gifts from different ports of call.  It wasn't the "Things" that I loved as much as it was him thinking about me.  Then all of a sudden (when I was about 14 or 15), he decided he was going to marry Maryanne.  Not only was he going to marry her, but my mom (for whatever reason) had gotten all involved in Maryann and I was feeling completely left out of the loop.  Like all of a sudden Maryanne was taking away my mom AND my brother.  I hated her for it (back then, and for years into my adulthood).  I finally got over it, but it took me a very VERY long time.

So fast forward to 8 year old Naomi.  She knew Nick was going to marry Suzy.  Suzy had been in Omi's life for years by now, so she wasn't new to the family.  Naomi was involved in the wedding.  She helped with preparations.  But she also knew that once they got married, Suzy and Nick were moving to Florida.   (The day Nick and Suzy moved to Pocatello for College, Omi was a wreck. She was a wreck for a long time.)  Naomi LOVED Nick...the sun rose and set on him as far as she was concerned.  So the day Suzy and Nick got married, Naomi broke down into tears because she realized her brother would be moving to Florida very soon.  Naomi loved Suzy. There was no animosity there.  Fast forward 6 years to now.  Nick died and is never coming back to Omi (or anyone).  When Omi, my mom, Tracy and Nate came back to Idaho, I had to stay back in Florida. I didn't have to stay back there just for Suzy, I also had to close up my mom's house.  But, at a time when Omi needed me the most, she saw me still in Florida and saw pictures of me and Suzy having fun. She didn't see the hard times.  All she must have seen and felt is that mom was leaving her behind.... that Suzy had not just taken Nick but was now taking Mom too.   Then Suzy moved in with us and Suzy and I spend time during the day while Omi is at school.  There is no question that Suzy and I bonded a bit tighter while we both reeled from the loss of Nick.  But at the same time, it was perfect (for us).  However, Omi may feel a bit different.  She lost her brother and she needed her mom and mom was in Florida with Suzy.  

So when I asked Omi if she was feeling left out, she said "yes".  *sigh*  I explained to her about what happened when I was her age, and that I NEVER want her to feel that way and that no one could take me away from her.  But I have never had to juggle 2 girls in the same house.  Omi went from being an only girl with lots of quality mom time to sharing me with another girl.  She also went from the baby of the family to an almost "middle child" experience.  Suzy maybe the oldest, but with her moving in, she is kind of put into a position of "new kid on the block" or "youngest" position (at least for a little while).  So I understand how Omi feels.  I get it.

Add to the mix, the time I spend with my mom.  Making sure mom is being taken care of, getting her to her new doctor's appointment, and since we are using her car until ours is back from the repair from the accident, taking my mom shopping.

I am trying to juggle being a parent and a child and a wife all at the same time.  How the heck am I supposed to do all of those things and keep all of those balls in the air during a time of grief?

Omi has been experiencing more and more panic attacks.  I am doing my best to help her with those.  But I feel as though I am failing.  I ran across Omi's calendar on her wall.  It was hiding the light switch, and I was in her room (at her request) getting something she needed for school.  I went to turn off the light, and saw on her calendar that she had written "Today I found out that mom doesn't care".  My heart shattered.  What did I do on that day to make her say that or feel that way?  I am trying.  I honestly am.

Her self-esteem has been taking a dump and rather fast.  She experiences panic attacks.  She is depressed.  And here I am feeling like the Pastor who's child has gone off on the wild side.  I used to teach self-esteem and assertiveness to girls. Naomi took that class so many times.  And yet, here she is, feeling like this.  What did I do wrong?  How do I fix it?  I'm doing everything I can think of... creative outlets (voice lessons, belly dance, counseling, changed her schools.....)  What else is there?  I get up in the mornings to drive her to school to help alleviate some of the social anxiety she feels at the beginning of the day.  I do my best to try and talk to her and spend quality time with her (though to be fair since I have come back from Florida, things have been a bit wonky).  Even before that, she spent alot of time in her room talking on the phone or computer with her friends.  Maybe I need to limit her online time? Where is the balance between "I need my friends to help me with my panic attacks" and *this is just too much online time for you. You need to do something else*  (but what?).

How am I supposed to be everything to everyone and still take care of me?  How do I know what is right?  How do I know what is wrong?  How do I know what is real grief and how do I know what is real panic?    People keep telling me that I am a good parent, but today I feel like I am failing miserably.  I feel like I am stretched so thin that I can't be great at any one thing much less all things.  I feel like I am letting someone down or doing "just enough" for everyone and not getting things done for anyone.

Feeling stressed, confused, and quite frankly lost.