My whole house looked like a tornado hit it. So today, I got 2 loads of laundry washed and dried... nope not put away. I got floors mopped. I did dishes and got counter tops and stove top cleaned. And I spent time reading a book about grief from losing a child.
Okay, so while reading today, I realized one thing. There is a reason books on how to deal with grief are not stocked on the book store shelves. When you are grieving, these books are helpful (and no one reads them in an effort to educate themselves BEFORE they need it) but they are so hard to read! This is certainly not a "pleasure read".
There are things that I am reading that I already knew and there are things I am reading that make me go.. "ah, ya, I understand." Granted, I am only 2 chapters in. The first chapter was about how parents bond with their children and what they lose when one dies. The 2nd chapter was on siblings and how they bond and what they lose when one dies. The book uses real life examples/stories and yes, it is very hard to read.
But one of the things that came to mind today was something that has come to mind a couple of times, so I guess it is worth blogging about.
This book talks about a "canopy" of safety we build for our children. It covers them and shelters them while they are so very young. They depend on it, until they start getting older. Even as they get older, there is still a bit of security under a "canopy", but when a family member dies, that canopy is torn to pieces and no one feels safe.
As a child I don't remember ever feeling very safe. And as the book mentions, parents (either consciously or unconsciously) see having children as a "second chance" to make this world a better place.. to right the wrongs. If you were abused as a kid, having a child of your own, gives you the chance to break that cycle. (Seriously, that was the example they used.) I found this interesting. Not because that particular example is true of my life, but because I remember the day that whatever shred of "safety canopy" I had was shredded and the thought process I had as a result.
When I was 11 years old, in 6th grade, somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, our house caught on fire. I had spent the night at my friends house. My little brother had spent the night at his friends house. My oldest brother had gone to work very early in the morning. My parents left early int he mornings. And my middle brother was asleep in the house and woke up to smoke in his room (thankfully). I didn't know my house was on fire until my friend and I were almost to my house and I saw the smoke and the fire trucks down the street. My brother survived the fire. But for the first however long it was, it was just me and him. NO one else in the family was around and this was long before cell phones. No one could get hold of my parents. Mark just held me while we cried. We had lost our cats and my birds to the fire. Our dogs survived. I guess they were outside. I don't really know how they survived. But life as I knew it had been shattered. For a few weeks, my family was separated into different homes/hotels until my parents could rent a home for us. Then we were moved into a tiny tiny little house.
Yes, there was grief in this process.
In my 11 year old mind, and even as I got a bit older, I decided that everyone has to live through one house fire in their life. I had already lived through mine. (Granted I didn't know anyone else who had been through one.) So I swore that I would not marry a man who had not lived through one. When I started dating Tracy was I was terrified when I found out he had not lived through a fire. But every day with him has given me time to heal that old way of thinking But that way of thinking......"I don't want to marry anyone who has not been through a fire" was my way of protecting the people I loved. (In my little girl mind) And today, as a nearly 46 year old woman, I wonder........."Does everyone go through the loss of a child?" like I thought "Everyone must live through a fire once in their life..so find them early." Logically, I know that not everyone goes through this loss. But I *feel* that 11 year old girl in my head...that fear she had when the house caught on fire.. the tragedy she went through and survived and wanted to build up a wall to protect her young heart from that kind of stress and trauma again. How can I protect myself and my family from going through this trauma again? Can I wrap my children up in bubble wrap? How can I mend that "canopy" so that they feel safe again?
I guess this book I am reading will tell me how I can help my kids. I'm pretty certain there is no mending that canopy, but there must be a way to help them through this. We are taking steps to help the kids through this, and gratefully I have done some online research and have already begun to understand how things have changed for my kids and I try very hard to help them with that change. We will make it through this..... I just gotta get through this darned book!
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