January 8, 2015......Another first and awkward moments....

I went to get my eyes checked today.  It was a new optometrist and of course they have you fill out the typical intake forms ask the typical general question.   I looked through the form under marital status... single, married, divorced.   Of course, I said married.  But my heart broken thinking about the first time Suzy has to fill out one of those questions.    To me its right up there with the questions, "How many children do you have?" (though that question was not on this form.)   Though I did get, "What is your occupation?"    When I say I am a stay at home mom, they automatically assume I am watching kids run around all day. I had to correct her and tell her that my kids are all grown and in school.   (They were trying to figure out how I use my eyes all day.)

Anyway, later the actual doctor comes in.  He says, "You are a stay at home mom.  How old are your kids?"  This one was a punch to the gut.   I took a deep breath, looked down at my feet and said, "Sorry. I had to think about that one for a second. I just lost a child.  They are 25, 22 and 15."   The poor doctor was blind sided.   To his credit,he showed compassion and did not pry and then kept going on with his train of thought. He, of course, thought I had little ones at home and asked me if I had seen this PBS show about a dog named "Martha Speaks".  He was talking about "old fashioned names".  Anyway... that question, the first time asked.....*sigh*

There have been a few developments or at least movement or questions on the settlement, memorial plaque, and scientific article fronts in the last couple of days.  They make my heart happy and sad all at the same time.

Nick's scientific article is being published in the next couple of weeks.   The publication it is being "printed" in is an online publication only.   However, the publishing company is actually binding and printing out the publication for us.  They are also putting in a footnote explaining Nick's death between time of submission and printing.  This company is amazing, and just thinking about their kindness makes me cry.

Actually, yesterday, at the tattoo shop,while we were explaining Nick's tattoo design to our artist, I got to say these words, "My son was a scientist."  So damn cool. He was indeed a scientist, and I am so damn proud of him, and I can't wait to see his work in published writing!

Today, I received an email from the hospital in Florida.  They are still waiting to hear from the University about the size of the plaque, but they were wondering what wording we were thinking about.  *sigh*   We were hoping to know the size before we settled on wording.   I think they just wanted to touch base with me so I didn't think they were ignoring us.

The insurance settlement. *sigh*   This one makes me sad.   We know how much the woman who hit Nick is worth.  We have seen all of her financial records.   We know how much the insurance is going to pay out.  I'm sorry.... but there is no amount of money that can pay for my son's death.  I want to go into detail, but I don't feel as though I should at this point.  But man, my anger and grief, are much bigger than this woman can afford.. and that is just *mine*.     That doesn't include Suzy's or the rest of the family's.   And I worry that things just won't be enough... they won't cover the cost of what Nick would have brought in...it just doesn't seem fair.   But what in life IS fair?

*** okay..  had a lunch break and came back***

Emotions are crazy things.  Nate said has been feeling bipolar recently.  And I think its just what our "new normal" is.    In the passing of a day, my emotions run all over the place.  I can go from happy to irate anger in zero seconds flat.  I can go from doing okay to feeling profound sadness at the drop of a hat.   However, it does NOT go the other direction.   If I am angry or profoundly sad, my upswing is not nearly as quick.   Then there are the moments where I feel 2 very different emotions at the same time... talk about confusing!

I was thinking about our tattoos today, and I suddenly became profoundly sad.   I guess a part of me thought by getting tattoos it would bring Nick back and my logical brain kicked in today and told me otherwise.  There is nothing that will bring Nick back.   No amount of money.  No amount of anger towards Blair. No tattoo.  No memorial on the side of the road.  No donation to his college.   Nothing.   I look at pictures of Tracy and I through the 31 years of our relationship.  I have about 7 of them hanging on our bedroom wall.  I look at  us our Junior and Senior years in high school to the ones a few years ago and I get sad cause Nick and Suzy were supposed to live a long happy life together and have pictures like that, and now he is gone.

I am feeling really sad today. We have tickets for the entire family to go to a concert tonight, but all I really wanna do is curl up under a blanket and forget time exists.    I wanna curl up with my dog and just forget about things for a while.   No matter how much I go to the gym or how much running around I do or how cute the new glasses I just ordered are, it doesn't change what my reality is in this moment.   One of my children is gone and is never coming back.    I would give anything for one more hug from him... and one more conversation with him....but even that would not be enough.

 

**** okay.. took another break before posting this *****

Just had a great time at a redneck hip hop concert with Tracy, Nate and Suzy.   Lots of laughing and dancing.  It felt good to let our hair down for a little bit anyway.  There were some parts that reminded us of  Nick, and it was a little bitter sweet, but over all it was a great night.   Tomorrow is a new day.