I had planned on Suzy, Omi, and I having a girl's day that included all 3 of us getting our hair done. In my head I had imagined lots of laughing and silliness. In reality, I think it ended up being one of those hard days and I don't think Suzy's hair was as much of a change as she had hoped for. It is beautiful, but I don't think it was a huge change. Then I came home and Tracy was upset. We had a misunderstanding of how this day would go, and he was having a rough day too. So ya....just not sure this day was the kind of day I was hoping for. However, Omi seemed to be in the best spirits I have seen her in since I have been home I think.
It was brought to my attention by one of my amazing friends that maybe I need to look for happiness in different places and not equate happiness with spirituality/God. This may be true. I do not know. What he wrote to me could have been straight out of Nick's mouth. I found that endearing. Another friend suggested that I try to stop finding the old me and accept and get comfortable in "the new normal". I have used the term "new normal"a couple of times. I'm not really sure what that is for me at the moment.
What I do know is this:
Today while I was getting my hair done, I took a silly facebook quiz about what the perfect mantra for 2015 would be for me. Interestingly enough, it was "I let go". Based on 2 conversations with my friends today and one tonight with a 3rd friend...letting go seems to be a theme. I need to let go of expectations. I need to live in the moment. I need to let go of the need to control everything and everyone in my life thinking that I need to make everyone (including myself) happy, and if I don't then I am a failure. I need to let go of self-doubt. I need to let go of self-judgment, including about the way that I grieve or how I pray or don't pray or how I find happiness (or don't) in certain things. I need to let go of judgment of others. I need to let go of worry. I am holding on to too much and I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. The only thing I can do is focus on love. And ask myself, "Are my actions and words coming from a place of love?" If not, then I need to maybe rethink things...oh wait...is that judging myself again? *laugh*
I say that, cause even as I type that, I think about how angry I am at Michalean Blair (the woman who killed my son) and the thoughts I have about her that are NOT coming from love.
For that matter, I have seen pictures on facebook that say something about "Forgiveness is not given for others to feel better but for us to feel better." Grief is interesting in this regard. Right after Nick's accident, I had immense compassion for the 83 year old woman who hit and ultimately killed my son. I literally wanted to write her a letter and express to her how badly I felt for HER. I mean... how horrible it must have been to have hit someone and be responsible for that kind of tragedy. It didn't take too long for that compassion to give way to anger. So its entertaining that I talk about acting from a place of love. *laugh*
Anyway.....Here is my picture for the day....
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