January 1, 2015...The Start of Something New.

So last night, I had an idea.  Not sure its the best idea I have ever had, but I thought it was worth a try.   My idea:  Blogging my healing from grief process for the next year on a day by day basis....complete with a picture of me every single day. This serves 2 purposes.  One, it will help me work through some of this stuff. The other... who knows...maybe it will become a book.  As for the selfie every day.... Well, you can tell alot by someones countenance, and hopefully in the next 365 days, we will actually see the grief lifting off of my face some. We shall see. I in no way think that I will be completely over Nick's death in the next year, but hopefully, together, we will see some improvement, and maybe somewhere along the line we might learn a thing or two.

So here goes nothing....


Shortly after Nick's death, I was messaging back and forth with a friend whose son had been run over and killed right in front of her.   Her grief is unimaginable. I can not imagine WATCHING Nick die. Anyway, she told me that after her son's death, she had crisis of faith.  She suggested  that I might experience the same thing. At the time, I thought that was impossible for me. Why? Because I don't believe in the traditional Christian dogma.  I do not believe there is a God in heaven who controls my life. I believe that we all create our own lives by the choices we make.  I believe that we choose the parents we want to be born with...the ones who will teach us and guide us down the path that will teach us the lessons that we need to learn in this life and that once we have learned those lessons, we transition into a new field of existence. (We die...or as my friend Rev.Rachel Hollander says, we graduate  earth school.)   I believe that before we come to this earth, we are part of Source Energy/God/Spirit. Then we take on a human form to go to Earth School.  Then we graduate and return to that same Source Energy/God/Spirit.  

When I used to teach Sunday School to the Tweens of Center for Spiritual Living, I used a water and ice metaphor, with visual aids.    The bowl of water represents God/Source Energy/Spirit in very fluid form.   Then we take on a physical form (Ice Cube) when we are born.  Then when we die, the Ice Cube melts and becomes one with the bowl of water. We become one with Source Energy.   It makes perfect sense and is much like what the Hindus believe.

Anyway, knowing all of this, WHY would Nick's death create a crisis of faith for me?

Well, I don't have an answer to that, but I can tell you that I AM experiencing a crisis of faith.   I have not been able to pray since Nick was killed, and I have prayed every day of my life since I was 5 years old.   My prayers look different now than they did at 5, or 16 or  22, but I have always prayed in one way or another! Now, my prayers are "structured"by 5 steps:  1)  Acknowledging the attributes of God (ie... Love, Peace, Beauty, Joy, Strength......) 2)  Acknowledging that I am one with God (ie...Where I AM, God is. Where I am, beauty is........) 3) Affirmative Prayer (ie......I know that I am divinely guided and protected in my every day decisions.  I claim divine perfect health as I continue on my journey of running and strength building.....)   4)  Gratitude for that which I have just claimed (ie....I am so very grateful for this knowledge and the ability to walk in truth and light) 5) Releasing (ie....I release my word into the Law (aka Spirit) and So It Is. Amen)    When I am able to pray, that is what it looks like.  But I have been unable to get through the first part.

I have been so filled with anger.  It's not that I believe there is a God out there some where that has (to use a word my husband used today) robbed me of my son.  It's just that when I look at all of the pain and suffering that my family is going through right now,and all of the hits my family has taken last year (right up until 7pm on New Years Eve) I have a very hard time finding ANYTHING good in this life.  I have a very hard time finding the positive in life that IS God (in my spiritual views). And when I have that difficult of a time, I get even angrier.    And if I can't find anything positive that IS god, then I can't even START my prayer much less finish it.

So, YES, I am experiencing a crisis of faith. *sigh* It frustrates me. I mean, look at the title of my over all blog site..."My Joy Filled Life".   I USED to be so filled with laughter and joy. I RADIATED JOY!  Now I sound like a broken record of anger and sadness. Even *I* get  tired of listening to myself.   I MISS my old self.  I MISS being happy and joy filled! But how do I grieve and be that too?

I have always lived my life authentically, and I am not going to pretend for anyone's sake that life is just dandy.   When quite honestly, it kinda sucks the big one right now.   Yes, there are moments of happy and laughter, but they seem fleeting and more like an escape than real life.

Today is the FIRST time since Nick was killed that my family is alone with just us.  Michael left today. My mom is in her own place.  And there are no friends here.  All   I have wanted to do was cling to pictures of my family all together having fun.   Tracy has spent the day working on one of Nick's last projects, and that brought him crashing down.  Suzy has spent a good portion of her day going through memory boxes.  Nate has spent his day in his room recording music. Naomi has spent her day in her room sleeping or watching TV on her phone in the dark, and before that,she was an emotional mess for the little bit she was up and about in the morning.   How do I keep my family from falling apart and more precisely, how do I support everyone in my family while supporting myself too?     And if there IS some kind of "Heavenly Father" why in the FUCK did he let this happen to my family and WHY did HE rob the world of such a bright young man with a HUGE future ahead of him??????

Ya, I don't know either!

Oh ya... the other thing I believe (usually) is that everything happens perfectly and in perfect timing. How in fucks sake, is my son dying in a motorcycle accident at the age of 25, 6 months before he graduates college, a few months before he sees his research published in a scientific journal "perfect" in ANY way shape or form????   Can anyone explain that to me?

Ya, I didn't think so.

So there you have it... a full blown spiritual crisis.   Now to the mission is to find some answers and be open to the lessons.