I have always heard that after a death of someone close, you do not make any major life decisions within 6 months. I have also heard that when it comes to hair, if you have had serious emotional changes in your life, your hair should probably not be another drastic change you make. But how do you know when it is right to break these rules.
In our family we have this kind of joke..."Rules and laws don't mean anything. They are merely guidelines." THIS IS A JOKE, people. We take laws seriously. We are not some family if completely lawless rebels with no respect. LOL.
But seriously, these guidelines for how to live through grief, how do you know when to veer to the left instead of stay on course?
In 2007, when my dad died, my mom wanted to move here to Idaho. I strongly discouraged it, so much so that I joked with Nick and Susan, "If you want to move to Florida and live near the beach while going to college, this is your last chance. Momp is talking about moving here. Of course, you would have to get married before living with her." Sure enough, they did just that. (Back to Nick and Suzy later.) I told mom that she should not make any decisions like that for at least 6 months. I know she didn't want to live in Florida alone, but in reality, she had already been living alone. My father had been living in his bed for the better part of a few years (by his own choice). He had given up on life. He rarely even got dressed. My mom lived in the other side of the house. She had a nearly full time job. She worked out with a personal trainer 3 times a week and was at the gym 5 days a week. She went to church and she had friends. She had a life that did not include my dad before my dad died. As far as my limited view of things went, the only change that would happen is that mom would be in the house (physically) alone instead of emotionally alone. AND she had just done a reverse mortgage on the house and paid cash for a brand new Ford Focus. I wanted her to follow the rules..... (And to be honest, a move to Idaho would have been difficult. We didn't have a spare room in the house and no idea about senior living...hadn't even given it a thought at that time.)
So fast forward to now......
Nick and Suzy are living with my mom. Nick loses his life in a tragic and unexpected way. He was about to graduate college and he and Suzy were looking forward to moving away from Florida for his Master's Program somewhere (though they did not know where). The only family (other than her chosen family) she has in Florida is my mom, and a week before the accident, Mom had fallen again. That is ALOT to deal with on your own. There is alot to ALL of this....
As soon as we heard the news about Nick, Tracy and I (without even asking Suzy what she wanted) decided we needed to get her back here to Idaho. After all (and here is where guilt starts to come into play.......) Suzy was only there because she married Nick and they went off to school there and to keep my mom company. In my eyes, it was my fault she was there and now Nick isn't there and her "family" is here and its my job to get her back. Never mind any "chosen family" she might have created for herself.
Then there is my mom. I needed her to move to Idaho now. Why? Because we were bringing Suzy home and mom is a fall risk. I can't leave her alone in Florida and worry about her there. But now mom has created a "chosen family" with her companion Harold and HIS family. AND mom has friends that she crafts with. Now I am uprooting her and she lost 2 of her pets in the process. (Enter more guilt.) Not to mention the loss of "stuff" my mom went through when moving from a huge house into a tiny apartment. At first we thought she was moving in with us into ONE ROOM; then we thought assisted living with one room. So we got rid of her stuff...couches.. table...that kind of thing. However, she ended up with a one bedroom apartment and had room for that stuff. AND in the moving process, I lost a controller for her radio and her computer monitor shattered. (Enter more guilt)
**** new controller and monitor have been purchased ****
When we first arrived in Florida, we sat down and asked Suzy what she wanted. She said she wanted to come home. So that is what we planned for. We told Suzy to keep as much as she wanted. I did not want her to let go of anything she wasn't ready to let go of. However, she WAS saying goodbye to her chosen family. (And in my own limited thinking......I thought her coming home to Idaho and her high school friends and her family would be good for her.....even though I knew that High School friends change and grow......but she and Nick stayed in contact with a few close ones and always made time to visit with them when they came to Idaho to visit...so I thought she would be okay coming back.) I don't know... what if we made the wrong decision? I woke up riddled with guilt today....actually I went to bed with it last night.
Yesterday, we went to get our hair done. The day did not go as expected. Part of that was because Suzy's hair was not as big of a change as maybe she wanted. Suzy told Shannon to do whatever Shannon wanted to it. Shannon is an amazing hair stylist, and is super creative. However, she follows those same damn rules that I do. So she played safe with Suzy's hair... 1) she doesn't know Suzy that well to be adventurous 2) When given permission Shannon will have fun with your hair, but its hard to do when she does not know you or your personality to make the hair work for you 3) that blasted rule...... I knew all of this, and still did not mention it to Suzy...enter more guilt. I know Suzy. I know Shannon. I know the rules. And I could have helped the situation and I didn't. I could have done several things.....and I didn't. Why? I wanted to give Suzy space...be respectful....let her vocalize her own thoughts and wishes, even when I know that sometimes she has a hard time being assertive. *sigh* Enter...more...guilt....
This morning, I woke up riddled with guilt. Guilt for Suzy and Nick moving to Florida. Guilt for not moving my mom here in the first place. If I had moved mom here in 2007, Nick might still be alive. Guilt..... This is where it stems from....following the damn rules.... if I had not followed the damn rules...maybe my son would be alive.. Suzy would have Nick... my kids would have their brother...we would have our son.....
So what pushed me out of bed this morning? Visions/memories of my family collapsing in a tangled mess of bodies and tears as they wailed for Nick on the landing of my stairs......and the thought that I could have prevented all of this had I just moved my mom here in 2007. That may sound extremely arrogant and self-centered......but its the way that I feel. I guess this is where I enter the guilt phase of grief. I used to think, "I will just skip over that phase. What do I have to feel guilty of?" I guess I figured it out.
I hear you sister <3
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