****Warning: This blog post is about ME and not about anyone else nor is it directed at anyone else. It is purely from my perspective about me and how I think about the way that I think. It is introspective and probably judgmental towards me, but some it may seem as though I am judging other people. Really I am judging myself for judging others. It's about to get real in here!*****
I feel as though my grief is a selfish and judgmental thing. I realize I should probably not be judgmental or judge my own grief, but this is how I feel.
I feel as though I have lost all empathy for my friends. For example, one friend may be missing her children because the kids are at their dad's for visitation. All I can think is, "Well at least your kids are coming back to you. They are only gone for a couple of days or weeks. What are you going to do when they go off to college? My son will NEVER be back." Or I have friends who are down in the dumps about stuff, and all I can think is, "Get up and do something to change the situation. Your life is made of the choices that you make. You can choose to be happy. You can choose to change your life. You still have your kids; they may not be living near you, but they are still alive. You have so much to be grateful for. Why can't you see that? Even in my grief over my son, I am still finding things to be happy about and trying to find the positive in life." The biggest one that kinda pisses me off about myself is this one... "No one knows how I feel. Not even my husband. Why? Because, Nick was in my belly for 9 months. I felt him growing and kicking and knew him so intimately lone before anyone else on this earth. He was literally a part of me and now he is gone. No one understands." That one really pisses me off. Why? Because I KNOW for a fact that Tracy is hurting deeply.. he lost his child too. And even if I had Nick in my belly for 9 months, Tracy goes off to work every single day, and I get to be stay at home mom and be everywhere for our kids. Tracy has given me a HUGE gift...how dare I be so selfish in my grief! *sigh* I'm a selfish "you know what".
Anyway.....
Today is 2 months since Nick's accident. It's been an interesting day. Omi and I went to the Boise Art Museum before her voice lessons. There was a gallery dedicated to Chinese dragons. Nick loved dragons. This gave us a moment to spend time thinking about Nick and his passion for dragons. I felt like it was Nick's way of giving us a hug. Then we walked into the gallery with ceramic art, and there was an artist's urn displayed. It wasn't a real urn, but the artists said it was created in a dark time in his life and the urn was a metaphor for light in the darkness. It was pretty cool and appropriate. As Naomi said, "Wow. That was deep."
After voice, we went to the Belly Dance Swap and Shop. My belly dance sisters are pretty amazing. We came home with several free pieces to help boost Omi and Suzy's costume collection. Now, Suzy will be ready to dance. (Her first class is next week.)
After the Shop and Swap, Suzy and I went to a Burlesque Workshop. It was fun and was able to put a smile on Suzy's face. We are looking forward to performing this piece with a few of the other women from the class. It will be fun to be on stage with Suzy.
*sigh* I miss Nick. I would give anything to have him back. I would give anything for Suzy to have him back. I would give anything to hear him laugh again. I would give anything to have my family in one whole piece again. I have learned alot about myself in these last 2 months, and I'm certain I will continue to learn more. I will continue to grow and continue to be open to lessons like just how selfish I truly am. *eye roll* I really hate that. Tracy tells me its "just where you are right now"....but that is just not Okay with me; yet, I feel this stuff pulling at me. Hopefully will more time and space, that feeling will go away. I feel like such a prima donna. How do I make that stop? How do I get over that and forgive myself?
Here is the deal. We ALL have issues. We ALL have pain in our lives. No one gets to say one person's pain is any more or less than another person's pain. Everyone handles their challenges differently. Who am *I* to say that my grief is more important than someone else's sadness?
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