When I was a little girl in Texas, there was a ride at Six Flags Over Texas that I absolutely could not stand. I thought it was a waste of time to stand in line for, but everyone I knew loved the damn thing. I can't remember the name of it, but it was this round "room" that you went into and stood up against the wall. The room would start spinning and the centrifugal force was suppose to hold you to the wall while the floor slowing dropped out from beneath your feet. Most of the time, I never stuck and it embarrassed me to no end. I thought I didn't stick because I was too fat. I felt like a failure. That ride gave me soooo many self-esteem issues!
Today, I feel like I am on that ride all over again. Only this time, it is quite the opposite. Everyone has slipped off the wall and are standing still on the floor just watching me spin completely out of control and STUCK in that mode and it sucks!!!!
The amount of grief that I see in my loved ones and that I experience myself is quite literally unimaginable. There is no way for me to describe it. I see Nick's close friends hurting. I see my kids crying and having nightmares. I see their faces when it looks like life has been drained from their faces. And I sit here as a "mom" and feel completely unprepared and unable to help them. Hugging them and telling them that I love them is all that I can do, and it does not seem near enough. I'm at a loss. All of my kids here have some kind of creative outlet and friends to go to and talk to. But that doesn't seem like enough. Omi is in therapy, the other 2 would prefer not to go.
And life, no matter how STUCK we feel, keeps on spinning and we just want off this ride. Or at least, we would like a break and to be able to fall to that floor with the rest of everyone who seems to be completely relaxed and just going with the flow. But now we are stuck on this wall and feel like this is happening TO us instead of us taking life at our own speed. How the hell do we get off of this ride?
This week has been so very rough for some reason. I really can't explain why this week is any different than the week before. But it just has been. There has been lots of tears shed by most if not all in this house this week.
For me, I feel as though any extra stress is just going to have me exploding. I can't commit to big challenges or changes in my life because I never know how I am going to feel from one minute to the next. Yet, I am the ONLY person in my house that has the "luxury" of not having to be somewhere most of the time. I have to be places.. to drive people places. But I don't have school or work; nor do I have to find a job. Everyone else in my family works, goes to school or needs to find a job. Naomi has finals this week, and truthfully, I have no idea how she goes about her life the way she does. How does she go to school and keep going? I know she struggles, BAD. I know she has panic attacks. I know she has nightmares. But she keeps going to school (what other choice does she really have?) Suzy works when she is scheduled. And yes, she has some bad days. But she keeps going. Tracy has been back to work since he got home. He took time off during the holidays, but he has been back to work and he is one of the big bosses.... meetings, interviews, looking for office space, getting his work done.. lots of stress in that job. And he does it.. every day. I know he struggles. I know he wants to scream most of the time, but he gets through it. Nate is having the hardest time finding a job. Really, he is having the hardest time because he has no car to drive since the accident. His car isn't working, and no job to get money to fix it. My car is still in the repair shop and he can not drive the cars we have been using. So he has been stuck in the house. He rides a bike to try to find jobs around here. He applies on line. He has had 2 interviews. Nothing. He feels horrible. I can't imagine the grief he feels over losing Nick, over losing his job, over losing the cars AND the stress of trying to find a job and get his life back on track.
We are all doing the best that we can. But sometimes I feel as though the best that I can do just is no where near enough.
Today I just really need a "hide under a blanket fort day", and yet that is not going to happen. This morning Omi had an orthodontist appointment then we dropped her off to school for her finals and dropped Tracy off to work. I came home to do this (this is as close to a blanket fort as I am going to get today). In a little over an hour, I need to pick Omi back up from school. She has early release today, but because of her ortho appointment, she has to stay after school to take her Spanish final; she she misses the bus. Then she has therapy appointment. And somewhere today, I need to find ski gear for everyone cause Tracy, Omi and Nate are going night skiing tonight with one of Tracy's friends from work. I was supposed to go, but I just feel as though the world is caving in around me. I need some down time. I want to go with them, cause I feel like it will be fun and I could use some fun. But honestly, I am also afraid of the memories that will pop up once I'm on that mountain. I am barely hanging on by a thread right now. I also have so much to do to get ready for my performance on Sunday night. (I know. I know. Sunday night is a 4 days away. But tomorrow is filled with doctors appointments..my moms and Omis. Saturday is filled with Voice lessons and long run for 1/2 marathon training. And Sunday before the performance is church and picking up Kasey to come spend time with Omi since she is babysitting both Friday night and Saturday night.) Oh and add to my busy schedule, I am afraid of hurting myself before my performance on Sunday, and I am already have some kind of muscle issue in my obliques that is cause severe pain.
Like I said, can this ride please stop spinning????
Before Nick's death, I could have handled a week like this like a champ! I could have handled ALL of this like a champ. But now, committing to coffee with a friend seems like a huge deal to me, much less committing to a performance and learning choreo and just generally living life.
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