January 4, 2015 First Time Back......

Today was my first day back in church in a very long time.    I missed it BEFORE Nick's accident, and now I just really miss community and love.    I also miss the spiritual connection I  used to feel.  A couple of days ago, my friend suggested that  I separate happiness from my idea of God (or something to that affect).   But tonight, as I start to type this, I think maybe it's not God so much as it is a sense of connectedness to the All That Is (call it whatever you want) that I am missing.  And honestly, I was missing that BEFORE the accident, but after the accident it started to feel like a crisis of faith.  When in reality, they are two different things and not really connected.

Anyway, I went back to church.   Tracy went with me, gratefully.  I had a feeling it was going to be overly emotional.    As it turns out, some parts were, but mostly I was okay. I was holding it together until Rev. Jackie came to hug me just before she took the pulpit, and again when she mentioned us in closing prayer.  And I was very grateful that when told to turn around and hug someone and tell them you are glad they came today, people just left Tracy and I be as we quietly cried and held each other.

The songs that we sang today usually make me smile and fill me with joy, but today, I just couldn't FEEL that joy, and I allowed myself to feel what I needed to feel without judgment. It is okay not to be the one dancing and clapping my hands.  It is okay to sing quietly and not raise the roof with my joyous voice.  It's okay to just be.

Today, since it is the first Sunday of the year, Rev. Jackie spoke about the Roman God Janus...the god of  beginnings and transitions.   He is usually depicted with 2 faces; one faces  the future, while the other faces the past.  His figure is often found over doorways, passages, and gates. Very appropriate for me right now. I can't think of a bigger transition in my life.

Rev. Jackie said, "Every single day you have to face your devil and move forward."  Indeed.   Every single day I am reminded of what has happened, but I still gotta keep moving forward.   I still gotta keep being the best me I can possibly be.  Just because Nick is no longer here physically, it doesn't mean that I stop existing.  For that matter, it doesn't stop me from being a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend.  If anything it opens me up to be BETTER at all of those!  It opens me up to further compassion, deeper love,and greater authenticity. It propels me to live louder, dance more, and keep going.

Yes, I can look back and miss my son, as long as I remember to look forward too.  That is what Nick would want. That is what my family and I need!

Rev. Jackie continued on to say that for 2015, the word/intention she is keeping for the church is "Emergence".   Very fitting for me as well.  Actually, everything about this service was very fitting.

As I am typing this, I had a direction I was going to go in, but that word, "Emergence" made my brain switch gears and reminded me of a Celtic figure found over church doors called Sheela Na Gig.

There are several theories about Sheela such as a protector against evil (by showing her genitalia), a warning against lust, and a fertility goddess.   But what jumped out at me at this point in time was the the convergence of ideas of Janus guarding a door of transition, the thought of emerging from darkness, and the over the door symbol of a woman with her vulva open wide........    Mix that with the thought that came to me at the end of the service today......

At the end of the service today, we did a white stone ritual.  I will not go into that or what "name" was given to me to focus on for the year.  However, I will say that when I chose my white stone, I chose a stone that looked to be a pregnant belly.    Again, another metaphor for emergence, transition, and endless possibilities.  Nick came to me while I held that stone and he said to me, "In my death, there is birth......"

I really don't know how to make what is going on in my head make sense here in a blog.    But today's service and all of these thoughts have been mulling over and swimming around in my brain.  I do not know what it is I am about to give birth to.   But I do believe that with every ending there is a new beginning.  (So cliche' I know.)  And eons ago, while I was in college for storytelling, I was in my late 20's, the ladies in their 50's told me that I was a crone in a "mom's" body.  I had the wisdom of a crone long before my age declared me a crone.  Today at church, while people came up to hug me and tell me that I am amazing and that I am an inspiration and that they could never imagine what I am going through and how much they are learning from me (including Rev. Jackie who told me she is saving some of my blogs because I am helping her look at things differently) I was reminded of my Crone-ness, but now I feel as though with the death of my son, I have EARNED my crone-ness.  And now, I am reminded of Sheela who is a Crone hanging over the entrances of churches (places of spiritual growth/wisdom) with her vulva opened wide, making way for new birth and or the return into the womb to rest and be re-born.... a transition.

So here, I sit, blogging with all of these thoughts just kind of vomiting out of my brain and likely not making any sense, but in my heart, I know what I feel.  And today, at church, I was reminded of what I  need to do in this phase of my life....

1)  Be Bold.  Live Authentically.
2)  Be Accountable. (Which is why I blog every day.)
3)  Be Love.  Be compassionate. Be present and stop and think and consider before making conclusions.
4)  Listen.   Be still and know that I AM.   Listen to my body.  Be present and LISTEN to my family and friends.   Listen to that still small voice.

If you made it to this point... through the spiral that is my train of thought... great job and thanks for reading!


Here is a special treat... a song that was sung in church today.. its my new "trophy song".   Thanks, Shelly, for singing it today at church!  Wunderkind by Alanis Morissette.