Today's talk was on "Doing". It was on doing what needs to be done to reach the goals we had set for the year. Rev. Jackie gave us 4 things to focus on to help us get moving in the right direction to achieve or goals.
As great as her talk was, and there were some great gems to be taken away from it, the thing that really struck me started with Leonardo Da Vinci's quote: "Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do." In the "New Thought" teachings, we spend alot of time "being". We meditate; we create vision boards; we focus on changing our thinking. But when it comes to actually *doing* that can be a completely different story. It's all good and well to sit and meditate about being a millionaire, but you don't get rich from meditating. You gotta DO something.
This is true, but today, as Rev. Jackie spoke, it took me in a different direction for a little bit. It took me to yesterday's burlesque workshop. As we were learning our choreography, there are a few times where we take our time to pause, pose, and take a break from DOING and we practice BEING. When you think about dance, you think about movement, not stillness. That stillness is BEING in dance. I also think of it as the same as "negative space" in art. It in the stillness or the nothingness, that the movement, doing, color get their meaning. Moving without intention gets you lost. Taking time to BE gives your movements integrity. As a performer, that intention of stillness, gives your audience a chance to take in and receive the gift of movement that you have given them. It gives them a chance to take in the story that your movement has just told. It gives them a moment to pause and take a breath and say.. "Ohhh.. I get it." At the end of the song we are performing to, the choreo has us coming to a pose and being still, but the music begs for movement. At first this was kind of bugging me. Then I had this epiphany today. Coming to a pose at the end and being still for the last few counts allows the audience to take it all in, catch their breath, and leave satisfied and happy without being overwhelmed by moving all of the time. As a dancer, it allows me a chance to BE in the moment and receive love and appreciation from the audience and fill my cup that I just emptied while giving to them. It's a very special place to be in, and its not a place that performers really like to be. It's a vulnerable position... to just BE right there in front of a few hundred of your closest friends :). But this is the place where we grow the most as performers... in the BEING instead of doing. :). (Kind of the opposite of what Rev. Jackie was teaching today, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.)
Who knew church could teach me to be a better burlesque performer!
There was also something else that Rev. Jackie said that got me. "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals." ~ Thoreau I think that was the quote. I thought she gave a different quote from Zig Ziglar, but I could not find it. But basically what I came away with was this......If I wait for the time to be right to do something, the time will never be right. I just need to keep moving towards my goals and DO IT NOW. I kept thinking, "I have gained so much weight. I should NOT be on stage doing burlesque with this current body. I should wait until I have lost weight and gotten healthy." But the fact is, Burlesque is a celebration of life in all shapes, colors, sizes, genders and ages. There are no rules. And if I am constantly waiting, I will never get there. But if I just DO IT, then what I learn about myself in the process of reaching my goal will be priceless. It's not about WHAT I get, but what I learn in the process. It is about what I will become every time, I take a step forward and make myself vulnerable to an audience filled with people. On that stage, I become stronger, empowered, and fierce! There is no reason to WAIT for that, and the courage it takes to get myself from point A to point B on a stage, is a crazy emotional journey. "It's not the destination, but the journey."
Here's to the journey!
Today's service also gave me lots of time to think about Nick. Including the heart song sang by the guest musicians: "Little Fire" by Patty Griffin. I could not help but think that was Nick singing to me. He loved fire so much!
I came home from church today and found a gift on my front porch. I knew from the Starbucks bag that it was from a trail running friend who is a manager at a Starbucks. She gave me a beautiful coffee mug with a person holding onto a balloon. She said she came across it the day she heard about Nick's ballon launch and thought it was perfect. I have been home for a few weeks now, but she dropped it off today. And today it was perfect! I am so grateful she heard Nick tell her to give it to me. I am so glad she delivered it today. A message from my son.... love from my running community.... I cried. I showed it to Tracy, and he agreed with me and cried.
Then I was off to lunch with my friend Tami. It takes alot to get me out the door to hang with friends these days. I really just kinda wanna stay inside where its safe. I feel kinda bad because I am just not the happy happy person I used to be. There were moments that all I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn't...not in the middle of a restaurant. And everything feels so......well... so... frivolous. Talking about Christmas presents and finding the perfect gift for her children. I know in my pre-grief mind, I would understand and totally get it... but in my current state all I can think is, "ya, gifts are great, but its time with teh kids that really matter." (And she spends LOTS Of time with her kids. She is a great mom.) This is all just me. We went to the mall, and she kept asking me if there was a store I wanted to go into or something I wanted. But all I could think was, "things just don't matter." I shopped the other day for what I needed. I don't need anything." There was a time when she and I would spend hours laughing and shopping and eating and having a great time. Now I just feel like a miserable person to be around. I'm sad. I just am. It takes alot for me to go out with people and be around people. At this rate, I am going to lose all of my friends from being a debbie downer. *laugh*
This whole grief thing comes in waves and ebs and flows. It's the worst kind of roller coaster there is. For someone who was always so happy and ready for the next party, this whole bi-polar, never know how I will be feeling from one moment to the next is a very difficult thing.
For those of you who are reading this... for my friends.. thank you for loving me and supporting me.
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