Yesterday was the first day for the hearing for Idaho HB2 (The bill affectionately known as the Add The Words Bill). After 9 years, the legislature of Idaho has finally decided to give us a hearing to add "Gender Identity" and "Sexual Orientation" to the Idaho Human Rights Act. Last year, I was arrested in a planned demonstration that we assumed would get us arrested...all in an effort to get the Legislature to hold a hearing. When I got arrested last year, Nick was so proud of me. He has always been proud of me for standing up for myself and for standing up for his friends when they were being harassed by the school administration.
I chose not to go to the hearing yesterday. I knew there would be testimonies from mom's whose children had taken their own lives because they could not handle the discrimination they were under due to their sexual orientation. I knew their stories already, and even last year, before I lost my son, these stories broke my heart and brought me to tears. I knew I was too fragile to hear those stories again. It's just too soon after Nick's death to hear these stories. However, this morning, I had a change of heart. It wasn't' so much *MY* heart that was changed as much it was a message from Nick telling me to get to the meeting.
I thought it was because he wanted me to speak. I thought he wanted me to stand up and speak for the kids and tell the stories. I did go to the hearing. I even signed up to testify. Before they adjourned for recess, I sat through 1 1/2 hours of testimony, both for and against HB2. It was an interesting experience. I have never seen government work this way. It was interesting from that point of view. However, from a more personal perspective, it was heart breaking and amazing all at once. I heard people speak who made absolutely no sense and then I heard people who were very clear and passionate about what they wanted (from both sides). I was amazed by a 13 year old young trans woman. She was so eloquent and brilliant and inspiring! I heard from 2 ministers who were in support of adding the words. But the one that touched me the most.. and kinda of took my breath away was the man from the Humanist group here in Idaho.
He was straight. He was not religious. He didn't talk about party lines. His message was simple. He didn't care what religion you prescribed to (or didn't). He didn't care what your sexual orientation or gender identity was. The only thing that mattered to him was equal civil rights and the separation of church and state. His testimony was clear, concise, logical and unemotional. He was fair and he was about facts. He said EXACTLY what Nick would have said if Nick could have been there. THIS is what Nick wanted me to see. THIS is what Nick wanted me to go to the meeting for. He is still proud of me. But he didn't' need me to speak. He needed me to hear him speak for me. And then he needed me to take this message back to his fellow Secular Student Alliance group at FIT.... He wanted me to tell them that what they are doing matters. It matters beyond their college experience. He wanted me to tell them that they are the voice of reason and logic in a country that is being swayed by illogical emotional religious beliefs. So I did pass on that message to them.
After the meeting was recessed, I watched as people exited the gallery. I saw people see me and keep walking. I watched as everyone left. And I was left alone. I sat on the bench in the garden level of my state capitol... alone....with the exception of a security guard. And I cried. I just didn't cry, I out right bawled and sobbed. The security guard came to check on me and I waved him off with a half hearted smile. I had no idea why I was crying. I did feel utterly alone and sad though. But I wasn't sure why I felt the way I felt. I felt as though I had been invisible.... even to the people who had talked to me today.. with the exception of one person (who I believe Nick sent me to).
See yesterday, my friend Joe sent me a PM on facebook saying he thought he saw me in the hall way before the hearing and wanted to give me a hug and let me know he had been thinking about me after Nick's death. I told him it was not me and he was glad he didn't hug a stranger. Today, I walked into a crowded gallery searching for a seat. I saw an empty end seat on the back row... and it happened to be next to my friend Joe. Once I was seated, he turned and gave me a huge hug. Nick sent me to that meeting today to get that hug from my friend (finding him in the room would have been like finding a needle in the hay stack, and there are no accidents).
Nick knew what I needed today, even if I didn't. Nick wanted to show me things. He wanted me to be clear on things. He wanted to send me a message. He wanted to send me a hug. He wanted me to hear him speak for me. And he wanted me to send words of encouragement to his friends at FIT.
Nick has very much been in my thoughts the last couple of days. Last night was hard for me. I could not close my eyes without seeing him in his casket. As soon as it started, I would try to picture him in other ways..some of my favorite memories of when he was alive. But even those make me cry and so sad. I had a hard time falling asleep last night. However, gratefully, I have spent the last 2 nights in dreamless sleep. It's been a nice break. I guess Nick knew I needed today.
I didn't get any reading done today. But I did get some quality individual time with Nate and Naomi today. Nate and I had lunch together today. It was nice to just be me and him. He held me today and gave me hugs and listened to me today. And Omi and I watched one of our favorite TV shows today, went to dance, and went grocery shopping together. We talked about school; she is studying my favorite thing ever.. the Hero's Journey.. in English. I am so excited for her. I shared with her what the steps were and how they apply to her 1/2 marathon training and her life... in hopes that she would begin to see herself as her own hero. I don't think this English lesson could come a better time in her life! Funny, lately I had been thinking about the Hero's Journey training I used to give. I guess the universe has been trying to tell me to pay attention... well I am paying attention now! Thanks, Universe!
In case you were wondering, Naomi's Guinea Pig has settled in nicely. She is eating finally. She LOVES her hay and kale. And Naomi takes her out after school and lays with her in bed. Annabelle lays on Omi's chest and is starting to make little noises when they cuddle together.
I have also noticed that Omi has been "lighter" ever since we have taken her electronics from her at night. I let her know what we have seen in her. She says she still can't sleep and it hasn't help her sleep. I told her that wasn't the point. The point was for her to not have the distraction while she tried to sleep and that she would learn to deal with the anxiety issues on her own and not depend on her boyfriend to make her feel better in the middle of the night. And it is working. She is lighter. She is learning to care for herself and find her own strength. And even with the adjustment for the new semester in school, Omi has been happier and bouncy like I haven't seen in a long time. I think the combination of no phones, the one on one time training for her race, and her therapy Guinea Pig, and her new baby sitting gig that gives her a sense of purpose and responsibility , she is really doing well... or at least I see the old happy Naomi peeking through.
Now if we can just get everyone else in the family feeling a bit more normal and a bit lighter.......
I will keep working on that.
Here's to more brighter days.... and a "do nothing" day tomorrow!
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