I know I have said this before, but everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is soooo much BIGGER when you are grieving!
Today's news about Idaho not passing the HB2 Bill to add Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity to the Idaho Human Rights Act had me seeing red. I was fit to be tied. I was crying. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. And for the first time (with this issue) I really just lost my decorum and wanted to hurt someone. My posts on facebook were very angry. Usually I am all about love and light and the glass is half full and lets focus on supporting those are who support us. But today it was, let's boycott the ones who don't support us. I know that differentiation is a thin line, but it is an important line. Stand up for what you believe do not fight against what you don't believe. Today I wanted to fight! I was so freaking mad! I'm sure I made some not so great choices on facebook today. Oh well. I'm nothing if not authentic. I have had a bit of time to kind of take a deep breath...it still sucks, but I can't change their minds today.
Today was also a day with lots of crying about Nick. I got an email from the head of the Physics department. Nick's honorary graduation has been approved. Suzy will be allowed to walk the stage and get Nick's diploma. This was great news. They had not informed Suzy yet, so I went upstairs and found her crying. She had just gotten off the phone with the lawyers about the settlement. They made a counter offer..... *sigh* But she also got some good and very unexpected news. My mom's car insurance is paying paying the estate $10,000. That is great news. But with ALL of this......*sigh* It's just too much. None of it is right. No amount of money is going to make Nick being gone right. No amount of money will bring him back. The diploma is amazing, but it's not Nick.
Suzy and I talked today. It feels like there are all of these things we need to check off our list to do regarding Nick.....insurance settlements, college graduation, memorial plaques.... It's a double edged sword. With each step that we get accomplished, it feels like we are getting closer to Nick really being gone. We know he is gone and not coming back, but as long as there is still all of "this" to do, it feels like we can still hold on to him. But once we are done with it all..then what? There is nothing left to do. His estate will be closed. He will have graduated. We will have the printed version of his article. Then it feels like he is really truly gone and it is just time to move on.
Then tonight, Tracy and I found ourselves arguing over "little things" on the way to the gym. We finally just stopped talking. We got to the gym and did a 30 minute cardio and left. On the way home I asked if we are fighting over little things (like where the printer is located in the office or boxes in the garage that he wants in the attic) because its these little things that we can control when what we really want to control is the fact that Nick is gone and we want him back. We can't control what happened to Nick so we are going to fight over something we think we can control now.
We continued to talk once we got home. Tracy feels completely out of control. He wants my car parked back in the garage. The garage is filled with boxes and chaos. He wants the Christmas boxes back in the attic. The attic door is in Suzy's bedroom and to get to it we need to move stuff. I feel like putting things in the attic is getting in her way when we have to get to those things. But Tracy needs this to feel "safe" or "in control". I get it. I really do. I told him I just want to be "heard". When Suzy moved in, she took over his office upstairs. Tracy took over my dance/craft room down stairs and no one talked to me about how I felt about this situation. So when I don't want a printer in the closet (I would prefer it on a shelf or a desk outside of the closet since the closet is packed with my costumes and photo books and sewing stuff), he gets mad cause he thinks I want it on his table/desk which already is packed with computer stuff. I didn't feel heard.
We talked it out.........really everything just seems so much bigger than it really is. Grieving is hard freakin' work. Tracy works full time and doesn't have much time to really grieve. I can't imagine what it is like to grieve this hard and have to work and be boss with people depending on you, decisions to make, work to do. I just can't imagine. I suggested he take a week off to just "be" and let himself grieve, but I don't think he will do it. And that is okay. I love him and we will get through this.
We came in the house and I started dinner. Suzy came home from Belly Dance and I talked to her about moving some of her boxes in the garage into the attic and about moving Christmas ornament boxes there and reminding her we would have to get them out next Christmas. She completely understood. We all have the need to feel like we are in control and that everything is in its place and orderly. I mean NOTHING about Nick dieing is orderly and in place. As a matter of fact, it is very out of order and nothing about it is right. So if we can help Tracy by getting boxes into place and getting the garage cleaned up...then that is what we will do. I get the same way when my kitchen is a disaster. When I came home from Florida and my kitchen was all out of whack, I thought I was going to go crazy. Tracy didn't understand how I felt back then. But now he is feeling the same way I felt. We grieve at different paces.......we will get through this.
After dinner, we moved a bunch of boxes to the attic. We got Suzy's computer and desk back in order. I got the office kinda sorta picked back up (we had to empty out the closet cause we had the cable guy come and run cable in there). The office still needs lots of work and organizing, but at least we are making progress. Tomorrow, I will get the rest taken care of. I also found the box with all the old photo books!!! Yay!!!!! I was so very sad when I thought I lost them in the move. I realized I was missing a whole box of stuff that was in the office in the old house. Tracy said he thought it was in the attic..sure enough it was!
Anyway.. its been one hell of a day! I'm so ready for it to be over with!
Here's to the sun rising tomorrow... and a new start.
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