Be Careful What You Ask For....

****** WARNING*******  I am always authentic in what I post, but this blog post is going to get very REAL.  Might have some adult language and is going to be deep and possibly disturbing to anyone who has a past with sexual assault.  Read at your own risk.

Moving and clearing things out has a way of stirring emotional shit up.  I have been getting rid of excess stuff that has been stored and not used.  It has been freeing.  But just last weekend, more stuff was stirred up.

Ever since the end of last year, I have been dealing with weight and food issues coming back.  I could not figure out why.  Back in 2011, a switch just flipped for me and eating right and taking care of myself just came really easily.  And now, its a hard fight.  I don't get it.  What has switched in me and how do I get it to switch back?   (This has been on my mind for a while.. and getting worse as I see the pounds pack on and sizes increase...especially as snowboard season approaches and I seriously doubt I will fit into my gear.)

Anyway, last Thursday, I got an email from our current property manager for the house we are living in.  They wanted to show the house today (Monday) at 5pm.  We are still living here and was not planning on deep cleaning the house until after we moved.  AND I read this right after finding out that a friend had passed and our bonus children were needing our help to get them from Twin Falls to Boise on Friday (a whole day used up in driving).  On top of all of this, we also planned on spending the entire weekend at the new house getting it ready for floors to be laid this week (painting walls, doing baseboards, running hoses for the fish tank).  There was NO time scheduled to do a deep clean of the current house.  Not to mention the idea of strangers wandering through my house that I am living in completely creeps me out.  

Anyway, all of this started to stir up stuff.  Tracy called me neurotic for not wanting people to help me clean my current house.  I got really mad at him, but to be honest, what he said made me think.  He is right.  I am a bit crazy when it comes to allowing people to help me clean.  He said it comes from my childhood home that was covered in roaches and animal feces and trash.  We had maids, but it didn't help.  I grew up in filth. I just did.  There is no way around it.  Mind you, my house may get messy, but it is NOT the house I grew up in.  With that said, we do have severe pet damage to our rugs downstairs in the basement.    All of my pets are doggy door trained, but we made the mistake of buying couches that were used and had (without us knowing) some animal marking on them.. that drove dogs who came to visit my house crazy.  AND we had other dogs visit my house that were NOT trained... which pissed me off to no end.  AND we had a dieing dog that had issues before he passed.  So ya...  Not pretty.  NO matter how much I shampoo, the carpets are disgusting.  And yes, it takes me back to when I was a kid growing up in that house.  I don't want people in my house.  I don't even want my friends in my house.  I have told the property management about the carpets.  It is no secret to them.  But still.  It makes me literally crazy.  (And yes, I get to use literally.. and you will see why in a minute.)

Anyway, I spent the remainder of the day Friday (after doing all of that driving) and all day Saturday cleaning the house and shampooing carpets (well Tracy shampooed most of it).  Friday night, I decided to indulge in an altered state and do some meditation.  In that meditation, I asked "Why am I fighting with food and weight again?"  

Like I said, be careful what you ask for!

For those of you who do not know, I used to have DID (Dissociate Identity Disorder...or multiple personalities).  This was caused from childhood rape and severe trauma.  Actually, from the time I was 5 until I was in my 30's I was sexually assaulted several times by several different people.  And the personalities I had collected the memories and held them for me and protected me from them in order for me to survive.  I have spent a couple of decades dealing with body memories and actual real memories and personalities... healing and integrating.  DID and PTSD are not that is easy to heal from.  And the concussion I sustained last year was nice enough to bring back some of the PTSD symptoms, but I have managed to keep them in check (or so I thought). Anyway...

I asked that question Friday night, and the answer I received was NOT what I was expecting.  In this state of mind, I was altered enough to let down my guard and these personalities that have been quiet for so long all came out to "play" and by "play", I mean brought back ALL of the memories of ALL of the sexual assaults in DETAIL.  I was actually reliving ALL of the assaults... physically and emotionally.  My 45 year old Martha had checked out, and these other personalities took over.  I was crying, begging for it to stop, kicking and flailing trying to get away from my perpetrators.  It was horrific!  It wasn't until I heard Tracy (from the distance.. even though I was in his arms) saying, "Can Martha come back to me?"  that I realized I had checked out and they had taken over.    

Poor Tracy was there trying to hold me and comfort me while I cried, kicked, flailed.  All he could do was watch as I was terrorized by my memories as inside I felt every touch of my assaults.  Once I heard Tracy trying to talk to the personalities and ask them to let me come back, I realized I had to fight my way back.  I had never had all of them take over at one time like that.  They kept switching back and forth.  From the background of my mind, I could feel my physical body contorting as each personality took over.  I was afraid I would not be able to come back from this.  I had to beg and plead these personalities to calm down and let me back.  I had to assure them, that Tracy was there and taking care of me... that I was safe and this was all in the past.  I had to thank them for protecting me and ask them to let me come back.  I had to console the crying 5 year old, calm the angry 15 year old and make promises to the one I know is there but has no name or age that I can remember.  

Finally they retreated and let me come back.  I guess I had my answer.  WTF??? I thought I had dealt with all of this shit before.  Why is it back now?  I spent Saturday morning in Tracy's arms trying to explain what had happened and what I was feeling... and apologizing for what I must have put him through the night before.  *sigh*

Then last night as I slept, I had a dream in which I was explaining in great detail my original child hood trauma.  I felt so sad and broken in my sleep.  I was with some new love interest  (some anonymous person in my dream).  I had explained everything to him, and he loved me anyway.  

I realize that way back when I was dealing with all of this, this stuff always came up around October and lasted until January.  It was "that time of year".  Well guess what?  Look at the calendar. Yup, October is 2 days away.  And I'm moving, getting rid of things, clearing things out.  And I'm dealing with some things that literally make me crazy.  So I guess I have my answer... and there is more work in this regard to be done.  

When will the healing be completely done?  The mind has an amazing way of giving you what you can deal with, when you can deal with it.  When it knows you are strong enough, it gives you more.  I say, "Alright, already!  Enough!  You obviously think I'm stronger than I think I am.  Thanks for the vote of confidence, but enough already!"

I'm ready for the move to be over with.  I'm ready to have life back to normal.  I'm ready to start this new adventure in life.. come what may!

How Could Something So Peaceful Stir Up PTSD?

In February and March of this year, I participated in several peaceful demonstrations, one resulting in arrest.  These demonstrations were peaceful in nature.  We stood silently, respectfully, focussed on our mission and on saving the lives of the oppressed LGBT by asking the state government to hold a hearing to add the 4 words Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation to the already existing state Human Rights Act.  In the many arrest actions (as well as other non arrest actions) held, our group was not aggressive.  Yes, we blocked important door ways or hall ways sometimes, but we NEVER attacked anyone.  We NEVER spoke harshly to anyone.  However, the same can not be said for those whom we blocked.

Our group was pushed.  Some of our group were bruised.  Some of our group were physically hit by government officials.  And on multiple occasions our group was physically threatened by a "legally blind" man named Fred (a citizen of Idaho who likes to attend all of the public meetings in the capitol). When he approached our group and tried to break through the lines, he would purposefully pump into us.  He could see us. He knew we were there.  And, as we were trained to do, those whom he bumped into would respond with "ouch!".  Fred would respond with something like, "If you want ouch, I can hit you with my stick."  (I am paraphrasing, but it was captured on the live feed of the day I got arrested.  And it was captured by our own video crews and can be seen in the documentary made about Adding the Four Words.)

Anyway, these peaceful actions, though peaceful on our part were not always met with peaceful responses.  The day I was arrested, we were yelled at by other citizens.  I heard several of my friends yelling "Ouch!" as they were being hit by government officials.  And all I could do was stand there, silently, peacefully, respectfully and let this happen. We all knew what we signed up for, and unfortunately, this was part of it.  While that was happening, I was in tears as I stood there. We were being "victims" of abuse.  I don't like the word "victim"....especially since it was our choice to stand there and take what we knew would likely happen. But in a legal sense, if charges had been pressed (which we never did), we would have been deemed "victims".  So that is the word I use.  However, in reality, standing there, we were empowered and we were exercising that empowerment. But why.... why.....if I was so empowered, do I feel PTSD creeping in.

6 months after being arrested, I was in a restaurant. As I was leaving and walking towards the exit, I saw him.  FRED!  The "legally blind man" from the capitol.   Just as if I had a seen a rattle snake in my path, I turned the other direction and wanted to scream and run.  Fear filled every fiber of my being.  I turned back around and walked back to my husband.  My heart was racing.  I said... "Look!  Fred is here!"  Tracy never went to the demonstrations.  He was not really familiar with this elderly "gentleman" who harassed peaceful demonstrators for sport. However, my husband did see him threatening the people in my group that I was arrested with.  He saw him do it via live streaming video. But still, Fred was out of context to him and I was so frantic, I could not explain who it was in that moment.

We left the restaurant, and I felt completely shaken up.  And I asked Tracy, "Why does seeing that man, now, make me feel this way?"   It was more of a rhetorical question. I knew Tracy couldn't answer. Not may people would understand how I was feeling...or how I am STILL feeling.    Well there are about 100 people who might understand.  Those are the 100 people that got arrested during this past legislative session.  Those of us who cried for years for equality. Who cried for months during our demonstrations. Those of us who stood at the lines of this abuse.  Those of us who remember the suicides of LGBT youth..the ones we stood and fought for. Those of us who silently walked the halls of the capitol, hands on the shoulder of the person in front of us... walking silently with hand over our mouths holding pictures of these fallen youth.....while lawmakers averted their gaze and refused to recognize the pain in our state.  Those are the people who will understand how I am feeling today.

I guess that is how something so peaceful can stir up my PTSD.  Fred, the legally blind rattle snake that can make me scream and run the other direction.  *sigh*  You can see him in the video link below.

Add the Words Movie Trailer

This too shall pass, and one day all Idaho residents will be treated fairly and equally.