In February and March of this year, I participated in several peaceful demonstrations, one resulting in arrest. These demonstrations were peaceful in nature. We stood silently, respectfully, focussed on our mission and on saving the lives of the oppressed LGBT by asking the state government to hold a hearing to add the 4 words Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation to the already existing state Human Rights Act. In the many arrest actions (as well as other non arrest actions) held, our group was not aggressive. Yes, we blocked important door ways or hall ways sometimes, but we NEVER attacked anyone. We NEVER spoke harshly to anyone. However, the same can not be said for those whom we blocked.
Our group was pushed. Some of our group were bruised. Some of our group were physically hit by government officials. And on multiple occasions our group was physically threatened by a "legally blind" man named Fred (a citizen of Idaho who likes to attend all of the public meetings in the capitol). When he approached our group and tried to break through the lines, he would purposefully pump into us. He could see us. He knew we were there. And, as we were trained to do, those whom he bumped into would respond with "ouch!". Fred would respond with something like, "If you want ouch, I can hit you with my stick." (I am paraphrasing, but it was captured on the live feed of the day I got arrested. And it was captured by our own video crews and can be seen in the documentary made about Adding the Four Words.)
Anyway, these peaceful actions, though peaceful on our part were not always met with peaceful responses. The day I was arrested, we were yelled at by other citizens. I heard several of my friends yelling "Ouch!" as they were being hit by government officials. And all I could do was stand there, silently, peacefully, respectfully and let this happen. We all knew what we signed up for, and unfortunately, this was part of it. While that was happening, I was in tears as I stood there. We were being "victims" of abuse. I don't like the word "victim"....especially since it was our choice to stand there and take what we knew would likely happen. But in a legal sense, if charges had been pressed (which we never did), we would have been deemed "victims". So that is the word I use. However, in reality, standing there, we were empowered and we were exercising that empowerment. But why.... why.....if I was so empowered, do I feel PTSD creeping in.
6 months after being arrested, I was in a restaurant. As I was leaving and walking towards the exit, I saw him. FRED! The "legally blind man" from the capitol. Just as if I had a seen a rattle snake in my path, I turned the other direction and wanted to scream and run. Fear filled every fiber of my being. I turned back around and walked back to my husband. My heart was racing. I said... "Look! Fred is here!" Tracy never went to the demonstrations. He was not really familiar with this elderly "gentleman" who harassed peaceful demonstrators for sport. However, my husband did see him threatening the people in my group that I was arrested with. He saw him do it via live streaming video. But still, Fred was out of context to him and I was so frantic, I could not explain who it was in that moment.
We left the restaurant, and I felt completely shaken up. And I asked Tracy, "Why does seeing that man, now, make me feel this way?" It was more of a rhetorical question. I knew Tracy couldn't answer. Not may people would understand how I was feeling...or how I am STILL feeling. Well there are about 100 people who might understand. Those are the 100 people that got arrested during this past legislative session. Those of us who cried for years for equality. Who cried for months during our demonstrations. Those of us who stood at the lines of this abuse. Those of us who remember the suicides of LGBT youth..the ones we stood and fought for. Those of us who silently walked the halls of the capitol, hands on the shoulder of the person in front of us... walking silently with hand over our mouths holding pictures of these fallen youth.....while lawmakers averted their gaze and refused to recognize the pain in our state. Those are the people who will understand how I am feeling today.
I guess that is how something so peaceful can stir up my PTSD. Fred, the legally blind rattle snake that can make me scream and run the other direction. *sigh* You can see him in the video link below.
Add the Words Movie Trailer
This too shall pass, and one day all Idaho residents will be treated fairly and equally.
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