And you probably take it for granted. I certainly did.
This week has been rough, and to be honest, it's probably going to continue to be rough for the next week or so as we get closer to Omi's 16th birthday.
As a parent, unless your child has a career where that child puts their life in the path of danger on a regular basis.. or has a job where that child could be called up to be put in the path of danger, you probably take the "goodbye" hugs for granted. You probably take the "I'll see you laters" for granted. You probably take those family vacations for granted. Why? Because always in the back of your mind, you fully believe that you are going to see that child again. It may be another year before you see them. Or it may just be a kiss goodnight with the full intentions of seeing them all sleepy eyed the next morning. Unless there is some extenuating circumstances, you completely believe that not only will you see your child the next day, the next month, the next holiday, the next year.....but you also believe you will see that child grow not just "up" but "old" for the rest of your life until YOU die. You NEVER imagine them going before you. So yes, you take those "goodbyes" and "see you laters" for granted. That is until... it happens.
One night you get a phone call with horrible news. And you find out that there will be no more hugs. There will be no more "see you laters". You have said your last one. You have gotten you last hug. When was it, again? What was the expression on his face? Did he laugh? What was that date? OMG. I can't remember the date of the last time I saw him alive.. the last time I hugged him "goodbye". There was no more "see you laters". That was it. But when was it??? Damn it, if I didn't take that day for granted!
That has been this week for me.
Nick and Suzy came to visit last year... at the end of June and beginning of July. The last picture I have of that visit was July 5th when Suzy, Nick and I went riding bikes on the greenbelt to get beers. I do not remember the date that they flew home. Usually, I have a mind like a steel trap, but that damned brain injury has wiped my memory. July 4th, was hard for us as a family. I purposefully found something that we have NEVER done as a family to create new memories. I purposefully did NOT schedule us to go to Ann Morrison for the fireworks since that is where we have gone the last 2 times we spent 4th of July with Nick and Suzy....where we went last year. But that didn't stop us from crying on the 4th of July. Nick loved that holiday. He loved fireworks.
And this week, I have been going over memories..the last days I got to spend with Nick. And I get so mad because I don't remember what the last day was. I took it for granted, and I don't remember that last hug...that last I love you... but I know it was right around now... and I'm sad. I miss my boy something fierce. I cry at random times. Can't stop it. Just do it.
Then there is Naomi's 16th birthday coming up. Most girls get so dang excited for their "sweet 16". Most girls dream of big parties, having all of their friends around, being happy and girly. Omi is looking forward to getting her first tattoo... her memorial tattoo of a brother who was taken away from her entirely too early in life. She cries. She wants nothing more than to get a "Happy Orbit Day" phone call and message from her brother. But it won't be coming. And she knows that. And she cries. There is nothing I can do to make that go away. There is nothing I can do to make her feel better about her brother not being here.
For that matter, there is nothing I can do for any of us who cry. Right now the entire house is grieving pretty deeply. We go through cycles...and the whole house goes through it together..without words..we just do. It's almost like a group of women who PMS together..a natural cycle occurs. I think the same thing happens with a family lives and loves together. We grieve together. The energy hits the house, and BAM.. we are all hit with a wave of grief. As a mom, I find this extremely difficult. Not only am I grieving, but I am navigating the waters of a grieving family. They all grieve in different ways. I try to support each one the best way I know how... while at the same time honoring my own grief. I try to help each one, but each one needs something different. Then each one has different feelings; grief is the gift that keeps on giving only it's like a surprise box... you never know what emotion you are going to get with each new "present" until you open it up and find anger jumping out at you...or fear...or acceptance.. or (enter emotion and stage of grief here). And as mom and caretaker, I get to juggle all of this and do my best to keep my family moving and together. I try to honor each persons' emotions and try to help as best as possible. And sometimes that means I push my own emotion down so that I can deal with whichever family member needs me in that moment.. and realize that sometimes that emotion that I am feeling right in that moment is best not felt until it is safe to feel it in the quiet of my bedroom.
There are nights I go to sleep, or at last I lie down with the intention of going to sleep, and all I want to do is cry. How can I face another day knowing that he is not here? How can I face another day knowing that there is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. How do I help my family go through their lives knowing this? How do I help them reach major life accomplishments knowing that their brother, son, husband aren't here to help them celebrate? How do I help Nate navigate life without his big brother to talk to? I know he misses his brother something fierce. Yet he is quiet and never mentions it.
I don't know how to keep on keeping on, but I know I have to. There is no option. We keep moving one foot in front of another hoping that the next day will be a little bit easier. We keep planning for the future, because we can't just stop time and live here in grief. We can't go backwards either. All we have is forwards, but what if with each day forward when the pain starts to decrease, our memories start to decrease as well. I have already taken my last goodbye for granted..what's next?
To whomever is reading this...please, never take your "see you laters" or "goodbyes" for granted. Never take that kiss goodbye for granted. Never take "I love you" for granted. You just never know when it will be your last.
Nick, where ever you are, I love you so much. I miss you. And I really wish I could have a do-over on that hug goodbye so that I could mark it on my calendar.
No comments:
Post a Comment