So months ago, I had a doctor's appointment.. just my yearly well human check up. While I was there, I asked the doctor to refer me to a Psychiatrist to double check my diagnosis and meds and I also asked for an MRI on my brain since no one has scanned my brain with my brain injuries. The MRI had to be rescheduled cause of my recent hospitalization, but my psychiatrist appointment was today.
There were several reasons I wanted this appointment. I had been feeling like maybe I had a wrong diagnosis or at least the meds that the doctors had been giving me for depression were not working, and that maybe something else was going on, but I didn't really know what. Then I had this recent hospitalization. While I was in the hospital, I began to really look at my mental health history. I began to question things. I began to see things a bit more clearly. I asked the psychiatrists there if maybe I was bipolar. They asked me a couple of questions and told me that I might be on to something, but my visit with my new psych would be able to help. In the mean time, they upped the dosage of my antidepressant that obviously was not working, and they gave me another medicine for sleeping (which I didn't think I needed and it doesn't help either).
Having been through 2 hospitalizations in 7 months and now in the PHP program for my mental health, I am seeing mental illnesses of all kinds, and quite frankly, it scares me. I have talked to so many people and heard their stories and witnessed some of their experience. Last night, I cried in the hot tub and expressed my deepest fear. I am scared. I have heard people talk about going in and out of the hospital. I have heard them talk about being frequent fliers. I have heard them talk about how long they have been with PHP or the next step down is IOP. For some of these people, they have been in this program for over a year. Some stay in IOP for a year and then end up in the hospital again for various reasons then get released to PHP again. Some use ALL of their vacation time or may even be losing their job in order to take care of their mental health. This seems to be a never ending battle for them. The ones with bipolar are the ones who struggle the most. Med changes can throw them into crisis so they put themselves in the hospital while they adjust. Some just can't cope and end up in the hospital. This is a life long thing. Some are on disability for their mental health issues. I told Tracy last night that I was scared. I was scared that I will never get better. I was scared that what I experience is life altering and will have me going in and out of hospitals the rest of my life. He did his best to reassure me. "You will get over this. It will be okay. This is only temporary. You are getting the help you need. You will feel better in time." I still felt scared. What if my happiest years were just "lies". What if 2011-2013 were just years of complete mania? What if I don't know what happy looks like and feels like?
So today, I put on my big girl panties and went to the psychiatrist. I had Tracy go with me. I need a second brain to remember everything. Its a good thing he was there, because there were questions that I could not remember the answers to and he was able to answer the questions. As a matter of fact, the knowledge he has of me from the age of 14 was very helpful. How many people can say they have someone who knows them that well and that long? Anyway, after all was said and done, the psychiatrist asked me if anyone has ever mentioned me being bipolar. I told her "no, but I had been wondering if that was what was going on". Apparently that is the correct diagnosis on top of Dissociative Identity Disorder and Complicated Grief and PTSD. Yay me! However, I am NOT depressed and the antidepressant that has been prescribed to me is actually hurting my mental health, and so is that sleeping med they prescribed to me. So we are weening me off of the anti depressant and we have new meds on board. What they gave me is an anti-seizure med that is prescribed with people who have brain injuries and bi-polar. She also insisted I keep my MRI appointment, and she was glad that I had made all of these appointments to take care of myself BEFORE my hospitalization.
So what I had suspected, but really didn't want has just happened. Part of me wonders if this is real, or if this is something that I created out of "law of attraction" stuff. Or if maybe the thoughts I had been having was my inner Self saying, "You have bigger issues, its time to look at it." I don't know. But I can tell you that I am scared. While I have always had empathy for those with bi-polar, I have been the person who kind of avoids getting close to people with it. Mostly because I have had so much trauma and so many issues of my own that being that close and available to people with bi-polar seemed impossible to me. Now I am that person. I am the person I have been avoiding. Who will be avoiding me now? Who has been avoiding me? I know people have. I have had people say that my mental state has scared them and they can't be friends with us anymore.
I cried to Tracy after my diagnosis. I said, "I told you this was never going away and its permanent!" He hugged me. He reassured me that this is good news..it means I am getting the treatment I am suppose to have and now we can face this head on and not play the guessing game anymore. He was proud of me for taking the steps before my hospitalization to seek the help. He tells me he loves me and he doesn't see a "sick person" when he looks at me, he only sees the Martha that he knows and loves. He assures me he will stay by my side. All I can do is be grateful for his love and support. How he has stayed with me all of these years with an undiagnosed mental illness that could have destroyed us, I will never know. I have owed him my life several times over. He has saved me from committing suicide so many times. I would not be here without him. It's just that simple. But man...what a drain I must be on the guy.
Today has been hard. This week has been hard. I realize its only Tuesday. I have been struggling. Nick's birthday is Thursday...that is not lost on me. I'm grateful that I will be in PHP that day. But it's not stopping the pain I feel. I almost checked myself in to the hospital today after getting my diagnosis. But instead, I am here blogging. I am doing my mental health homework. And I will force myself to go to dance. I picked up my new meds and took them, and then I had an instant head ache that feels like a blood pressure headache. I don't know if that has anything to do with the new meds or not. It could just be panic. So I will breathe it out.
I guess I should count my blessings that I have survived this kind of undiagnosed mental health challenge to the age of 49 ...nearly 50... years old. I guess I am stronger than I think I am, and I am quite the fighter. Here's to getting stronger and healthier.
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