When I was released from the hospital, I was feeling great. But it didn't take long (like a few hours) for me to start getting angry again. Tracy and I had an argument that night. The next day, which was a Friday, we agreed that the weekend would be free of any talk of why I went into the hospital or anything like that. That first weekend out of the hospital was peaceful. By Sunday night, we could talk again, and things were going okay. But I was still feeling shaky. I was told I could start PHP on the next Wednesday. I just needed to make it 2 more days. Those were 2 very hard days for me. I was so happy to start PHP. I'm not gonna lie. It's hard. Sometimes it's very hard.
I just completed day 4 of PHP. I feel stronger since starting, but I am not sure I am strong enough to be released yet. I have 6 more days of PHP covered by insurance, then we will discuss it further. But what I am getting right now is a kind of double edged sword. It is painful and helpful all at the same time. Opening up the closets where my monsters live and taking a good long scary look at them is a bit horrifying, but realizing that they really aren't that scary after all helps. They are like gremlins.. totally cute and adorable as long as you treat them properly. But the minute I mistreat them, they become those ugly angry things that we call monsters. So what kind of gremlins do I have living in my closet? Well, Grief is a given. But I also have some named Guilt, Blame, Anxiety, Rage, Depression, PTSD, DID, Jealousy and so many more. PHP allows me to open the door of this closet, with a support person beside me. The support person is there to have my back in case it gets ugly. But mostly, they are just there to witness my interaction with each of the gremlins. They cheer me on and support me as I get to know these gremlins and hear their stories and find out how to care for them so that they don't turn into the ugly gremlins that are mistreated. It's a scary process. It's a healthy process. It's a painful process. And it feels good in the end.
A day in PHP is filled with 4 group meetings and lunch. The first meeting is Goals, Affirmations, and Gratitude; its just to check in on everyone for the day and do a roll call. The 2nd meeting time holds two spots and could be about anything, but on Tues/Wed/Thursdays there is a "Trauma" group with a 2nd group about something else. The 3rd meeting also has 2 meetings; 1 is for relapse prevention for those in addiction recovery and the other meeting could be on any other subject. The 4th meeting (after lunch) could be about anything mental health related, and is more of a closing group. In the last 4 days, I have gone to 2 trauma groups, a group on forgiveness, 2 groups on the affects of stress, a group on Maslows Hierarchy of Needs, a group on Learned Helplessness, a group on Assertive Communication, and just a "get to know you" type class where we were asked questions and everyone went around answering it. I have met some incredible people and heard some stories that would blow you away (and probably not in a good way). I am exposed to a very diverse group of people.. people from homeless shelters, people with disposable income, artists, engineers, people with grief, people who meth addictions, people with booze addiction, people who still live with their abusers, young adults barely out of their teens and senior citizens and everyone in between. The one thing we all have in common, is that we are there to help ourselves and get better. Mental illness has brought our journeys together along this path, and we support each other.
This weekend while Tracy and I were out of town, I had some pretty big clarity moments. We went out of town, because we both needed some relaxation. Tracy has been stressed beyond belief, and I just wanted him to focus on him and laugh and relax. He wanted me to just relax and have fun. We took off for Bend, Oregon. We have never spent any length of time there. He planned it out. He found our hotel in the "mill district" and planned out our cross country skiing. But everything else was just kind of up in the air. What I found was that I didn't want my phone. I have actually not been very attached to my phone since my hospital stay. But this past weekend, while I had my phone on me to take pictures, I was not reading facebook or texting people. We weren't' even playing Pokemon. I literally spent the weekend being present with my feelings, with my husband, with life around me. It was such a great feelings. I thought about how much the kids would enjoy Bend, and we talked about it. But we didn't talk about stress. We didn't talk about pain. We talked about the beautiful homes, the rock statues, the gorgeous river, the rain, the beers that we were enjoying, about our love and our marriage. We spent a great deal of time just enjoying each other and walking hand in hand. We actually sat and enjoyed the sunset while drinking beers on a porch by a park. It was so fabulous and relaxing. I did actually break out my phone and post about it because, well, I wanted to share my happiness after sharing so much sadness. We enjoyed the snow. We enjoyed watching the big air competition. We enjoyed sleeping in. We enjoyed food and ice cream. We enjoyed just living in the moment and taking spontaneous stops and just being there in the moment with no agenda. It was beautiful.
I also realized that for the first time, I was perfectly okay thinking about me and me alone. Usually, when we go out of town, a great deal of my time and energy is put into what I am going to get the kids, my mom, or my friends. I feel guilty if I buy something for myself, but I come home empty handed for my friends and family. I even feel guilty if Tracy doesn't buy something while we are out of town. Like if I buy something for me, everyone has to have something too. But this time, I heard myself say, "No. You don't have to buy something for people just because you bought something. It is okay to want to buy something because you want to remember how happy you are right here. The kids don't need a pair of socks just because you bought something for yourself. It is okay to be selfish. And if Tracy wants something, he can get it for himself. If he doesn't want something, that is okay too. It's okay to just think about you, and let everyone else take care of themselves and be responsible for themselves." That was a huge moment for me.
Today I was back in PHP. After having such a beautiful weekend, the idea of going into PHP was very difficult. I know what is ahead of me. It will be more stories of pain. It will be opening that closet up again and having to take a look at my gremlins. I am grateful for the rest I had over the weekend that made it easier to open closets, but still, it takes alot of courage and effort to open the closets and look. It also takes alot of effort to stay in the room and be present with others while they do the same thing. Hearing other people's pain while you are in pain is a double edged sword and can sometimes be overwhelming. Thankfully, they give us tools and I use those tools religiously now. Today we talked more about how stress affects our bodies, and I wonder if part of my weight gain has been all of the anger and stress I have kept in my body since Nick's death. We also talked about what we can do when we start to feel stress..what are our tools? There was also a class on boundaries today. I have been working on creating my boundaries for a couple of years. I have been getting better at setting boundaries and hopefully at respecting boundaries. That is an ever changing process.
I am tired today. Leaving PHP has left me feeling tired and drained. My head always hurts. I wonder if my post concussive syndrome gets triggered by all of the talk and noise and deep thinking. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow to go over my meds and over my diagnosis and make sure I am everything diagnosed properly and my meds are correct. I also have questions about the brain injury and what I feel. I also have a brain MRI on the 9th (rescheduled since I missed it while I was in the hospital). Getting this brain taken care of is the name of the game right now. Taking time to take care of me seems so indulgent...I should be cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping..you name it. But this time, is very much needed. I am grateful for the insurance that allows this to happen. I am grateful for Tracy's income. I am grateful for the ability to be able to do this. I am grateful for all of the love and support of my friends and family. This is just as bad as a heart attack or some other severe illness that could kill me.. I did time in the hospital in ICU and then in a general ward. Then I was released to rehab specialist. Eventually I will be released to see people like a chiropractor or massage therapist or personal trainer. Eventually...... But for right now, its one moment at a time, one day at a time in PHP. I'm doing my work. Following my treatment plans. I'm getting better. I'm healing. And I'm grateful.
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