April 7, 2018 Building a Bridge

Today has been a very emotional day.  First I had one hell of a nightmare early this morning.  It scared the hell out of me.  I dreamed I was in some kind of group/class setting and one of my personalities (the violent one who tries to kill me) came out and no one believed me that it was real.  It was a horrible experience.  I mean, its a horrible experience in real life when it comes to visit.  But this is the first time, that my DID has crept into my dream state, and I was terrified I would not be able to wake up and be ME.  I was so scared of losing myself completely.

I have spent a good chunk of my day trying to not just shake that mood and that dream, but also doing my work for my program.  I started reading a book called Trauma And The Unbound Body.  It looks interesting so far.  It's a little on the metaphysical side.. well not just a little.. so we shall see.  That stuff is usually right up my alley, but for some reason I am feeling some resistance.  I also read a rather long hand out I picked up from PHP on Bipolar.  I need to get a handle on the information and understand what is going on in my head.  I had no idea there were more than one type of bipolar.  I decided to keep a journal of my moods to see if I can figure out what is going on (or at least help my doctors figure it out).  I'm not sure I am completely stable enough to make any real prognosis right now. 

Then it was time for dinner.....

When I was in inpatient care at Intermountain, I wrote Suzy a letter apologizing for so many things I had said and my behaviors.  I asked if we could find a way (if she wanted and only if she wanted) to build a bridge and heal our family.  Tracy delivered it, and she and Tom were receptive.  Well today we met for dinner.  It was just the 4 of us.  I was hoping to meet the baby, but they are  not taking him out to restaurants right now.  I get it.  I've had newborns before.  We chatted and had a nice dinner.  It's a start. I brought her a gift for the baby. I made the baby a rubber ducky blanket and gave her the book Dragons Like Tacos.  After dinner, she handed me a bag... it had 4 mason jars filled with Nick's remains. 

We started building that bridge.  It's emotional.  It's awkward.  It's healing. I have no idea where this will take us, but I will say that I am eternally grateful for their forgiveness and their loving kindness in creating individual jars of remains for our family.  It means the world to me, and to the rest of the family. 

I told Suzy that I would never talk bad about her on my blog ever again or mention her name unless I was praising her.. and that is what I am doing. I am grateful for her forgiveness and her kindness.  Suzy, if you reading this, thank you and I love you.