Things were feeling kinda normal and kinda good there for about a week after we did the sweat lodge. Now things are beginning to ramp up again..or go haywire. I don't know. Things are just off. And NOTHING happens in singles around here. It comes in piles!
First Tracy and I started with the bad dreams over the weekend into Monday. Then I was feeling emotional and crying on my hike on Monday. Then some things that I can't really talk about in public happened to make Tracy's life that much more difficult and stressful (Dont' worry..he is fine.. just needs to get through this..but its stressful none the less and requires him to travel all week next week.) Then Omi had her panic attack last night at her Choir Concert. Then there was a miscommunication between me and Nate. Nate is struggling right now, and I am feeling rather helpless as to how to help him. With no car of his own and no job to be found (yet), he is really having a difficult time. Words can not express how hard it is for him, and he applies all over the place.. and interviews.. yet can't get he jobs (even when people say he all but has the job). And Naomi still isn't smiling. And, to make matters even more frustrating, our amazing power recliner decided to stop working (while in the feet up position). *sigh*
My friend Elizabeth told me I need to go outside tonight and yell "1..2..3.. NOT IT!!!!" I think she may be right. I am so over this!
I would just like my family to get back to normal..whatever that is. I would like Nate to have a job and be able to fix his car. I would like things to go smoothly for Tracy. I would like Omi to be the smiley happy girl she used to be. I would like Suzy ...well what I want for Suzy I can't have and that is to have Nick back. *sigh* Since I can't have that, I would like her to find peace and be happy. There are alot of things I want... really I just want a happy peaceful family again. Right now, everything seems to feel "off" again.
I do my very best to find things to help me be positive and keep focused on the good things in life. I am so grateful or amazing friends and for dance. I am grateful for time with my kids. But that doesn't keep the sadness and feeling of "off" away. I can be having a great day or week all on my own, but when my family starts to feel off or my kids are having bad days, my heart just breaks. I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it. And I just want to hug them close and tell them it will all be alright and keep them safe. But how do you help your kids feel safe, when their world has been shattered and they have lost their sibling? You can't undo that!
*sigh* Seriously, can this game be over with? I don't wanna play anymore. When do I get to feel like I am not clawing my way out of a hole. When I do I get to feel as though I am on sure ground, the sun is shining and the unicorn is grazing beside me? I miss those days!
Ah well.... On a happier note... I got new hair today!!!!! I'm pretty excited. I love my hair stylist. She makes me laugh, even when she is scolding me. I guess I wash my hair too much. Who knew that was a thing? *laugh*
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