That is kind of the way that I feel at the moment. Each family is like a puzzle, and each person is a vital piece to that puzzle. When one person is gone, how the hell are you suppose to fit that puzzle back together again?
This morning I woke up from a dream crying. I was crying in my dream and crying in reality. I was dreaming that I was visiting my friend Noelle back in our old childhood neighborhood. But we were adults. Nate and Omi were with me. Noelle was going to see our friend Wendy and pick up a birthday present. As soon as I saw Wendy, I grabbed her and hugged her and cried my eyeballs out. For some reason we were at her church. Nate ended playing the bag pipes with the church band. Wendy's friends invited me to go to a protest at the state capitol, but she told them "I think Martha already has enough on her plate without getting arrested again." Then Wendy's mom came out of the church, and I grabbed her and hugged her and I cried some more. I was crying over the loss of Nick and they knew that.
The interesting thing about this dream is that my best friend in this dream didn't even mention Nick to me and it was all about her. (I'm not saying that is what she is like in the real world......though I have not talked to her since Nick died. She did send her regrets. I have spent more time getting to know her sister though... and Wendy and I have talked a great deal over facebook in the last year or two.) But in real life, when my house burned down when I was 11 years old, I did stay at Wendy's house. Her family took us in.. so I guess I am comfortable there and went to them for comfort when Nick died in my dream. Interesting. Anyway...once again, I was waking up crying over Nick. I haven't done that in a week or 2 or maybe 3 so I guess it was time again.
I decided to go for a hike today. But before I could do that, I had things I needed to get done. I needed to send out a couple of important emails. One was the Tech Sheet for my upcoming burlesque performance. It seriously is surreal to fill out Tech Sheets and send out music and promo pictures for advertising for show. I also had to email Omi's school counselor about upcoming absences for the belly dance performance this weekend and Nick's graduation. With that done, I could drop Tracy off and head for the hills (quite literally).
I sent a text message to a friend to see if he could join me. All of a sudden, I was feeling as though I didn't want to be alone. I just wanted some fun company. Someone I knew would make me smile and laugh. Unfortunately, he was at work. I stopped to get a bottle of water and checked my email. I had a message from Omi's counselor. She was simply stating that everything was okay and she was forwarding on the info to the attendance lady and the vice principal. But then she told me.. "You must be so proud of Nick." That did it. I was a wreck!
I decided to hit my favorite training trails. I was going to take it easy and slow and just feel what I am feeling. I did end up crying while hiking. My emotions were all over the place on this hike. I was happy. Then I was sad. I was laughing. Then I was crying. I was listening to music and thinking of new burlesque routines one minute then thinking about Nick's life being ended too quickly the next. I felt like I was being punched in the gut with each new memory of Nick. I got so mad. How could he have been taken from this life so early? He made such huge discoveries and what he could have accomplished later in life is mind boggling.....but he is gone and we will never know. He was robbed. WE were robbed! Then I was back to smiling and enjoying the weather and the mountains.
I finished my hike.. 6 miles at a 21 and change minute mile pace. Nice and easy.
But I remembered a story I wanted to share with everyone.....its the one that punched me in the gut last week and then I had promptly forgotten....
When Nick was in 6th grade, I was finishing up my Storytelling Certificate at South Mountain Community College. In order to graduate, I had to take an acting class. I was taking Acting I at Mesa Community College. I loved the course. They announced open auditions for the spring show which was to be Hapgood. They asked if anyone knew of an 11/12 year old boy to play a part in the play. They all knew I had a kid. I was the oldest in the class. Sure enough, I had an 11 year old boy. I asked Nick if he wanted to audition, and he did. He had never done anything like that before!
He went before the panel and did a cold reading. There were several other boys auditioning. He did a great job doing a cold read with his possible cast mates. And sure enough, he was chosen. I can't remember the character's name, but he had alot of lines. He learned his lines. He took head shots. He learned about stage make up. He hung out with openly gay people (for the first time) and adored everyone he came in contact with. He worked hard. He went to elementary school by day, and the college play rehearsals by night. The show played for a week and he rocked it! Then there was the cast party where he won an award. Everyone loved him! And he was so proud of himself. How many 6th graders get to hang with college kids and be in a play with them?
I have pictures of him from the play somewhere.. but damned if I can't find them! I wish I could find them. It makes me sad that I can't. But I am so grateful to have this memory of him. I am so grateful to have been able to share that time with him....going to his rehearsals, helping him learn his lines, watching him learn and grow in a theater environment. It was fabulous!
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