I had a really great weekend filled with quality time spent with some of my favorite people. I felt the most relaxed I have felt since before the great house hunt of 2014. But as the weekend came to an end, not only did I spend it laughing, but I was given a big reason to pause and become very introspective.
Last night's burlesque performance was hilarious. My friends had me laughing my ass off. And some things happened to really make me think. I already said that in the previous paragraph. I guess that is what happens when you can't really talk about specifics.
But I can talk about changes and wishes....
Today as I sat quietly at home, I found myself contemplating the changes that continue to happen in my life. As time passes, changes inevitably come. As with most things since Nick's death, these changes are not changes I want, but things I need to accept and decide how I will react to them. I can't stop the change but I can decide how to react to them. So that is what I do. And last night, we were face to face with a big change, and it really was a test to see how we would react to it. I think we handled it pretty well. But when it comes down to it, the best way to sum it up was reiterated in a TV show I watched today. I started watching The Diaries of Carrie. This show is a Netflix series that is based on Carrie Bradshaw from Sex In the City as a teenager. In the pilot episode, we find her family grieving from her mom's death. Change was happening in their house... a change they didn't really want or ask for. The dad was having to take over the mom's role and he said he didn't want to because in doing that, it made his wife's death that much more real. YES! That is exactly the way I feel about these changes. Coming face to face with it last night, makes the death of Nick that much more real. It's not like I have been in denial. But still. And my choice is whether or not to accept it with grace or .. well.. the other option is just not pretty. So accepting it with grace is the answer.
Then today, Suzy received the legal paperwork from the lawyers about the end of probate and the settlement. She took the paper work to the house she is house sitting and opened it alone and posted a picture of her crying while she signed the papers. Another thing that just cements the fact that Nick is gone. It sucks. It really does.
As a family... as individuals.. we can laugh, we can behave as though we are moving on... and we are. But if we were given a choice, we would have Nick back here in an instant! And there are times when we just want to cry.
And just as I was feeling kind of low, a friend on facebook posted an article about 30,000 rubber duckies that had fallen off of a boat and scientists have been using these ducks to learn about the wave patterns of the ocean. This was a message from Nick.......from my own "Rubber Ducky". God I miss that boy, but I love him for sending me a message via facebook.. a message to not take life so seriously and to find things to smile about... a message that when things go bad, there is always something to learn and smile from it. Thanks, kiddo.
Wishes....
As time goes by, I find myself wishing that Nick was here to meet some very special people in my life. Some of my friends who never met him, would have been great friends with him. I see them post quotes that would have totally been something Nick would have posted. And I get sad. I get sad that these people who mean so much to me will NEVER meet my boy. And I get sad that Nick never got the chance to meet them. It really does make me sad. There will be people that come and go in my life and I will always wish he would be here to meet them. it just makes me cry.
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