Yes, I know in the middle of things, you might hear me talk about an accident he has had in my car or the fact that he is still unemployed. But other than that, there is not a whole lot.
I don't know if it's because he is kind of the quintessential middle child or what. What I do know is that ever since Nick has died, Nate has found himself thrust into a different role in life. He went from being the second son to the only son. He went from being a big brother to the ONLY big brother. Nate has instantaneously felt an immense responsibility to watch after his little sister (even more than he did before). He felt instantaneously responsible and protective of Suzy. As a matter of fact, when we were in Florida right after Nick was killed, we all went to pizza at our favorite beach side pizza joint. The server there was hanging around us and talking. Nate was livid and watching him closely. He felt like the guy was flirting with Suzy and Nate would have none of that. He felt like men were just going to take advantage of Suzy, and it was his job to protect her. He went from having one sister to look out for to two, and he takes that very seriously.
On top of this added sense of responsibility, he has lost his life long playmate. He lost his best friend. Watching him heal from that has been one of the hardest things to watch. Sometimes Nate is like a ghost walking around the house. He is stealthy. He is quiet. He walks around with headphones on his his head listening to his music and barely making a creek in the floor beneath his feet. Sometimes the grief on his face is soooo intense it hurts. And sometimes the light in his eyes shines bright enough to power the world! Every since Nick died, Nate has been wrapped up in his music. He has found solace there. For a short time, he was in a band with some family friends. There was some kind of blow up, and it hit Nate hard. I didn't think he would bounce back. He went from having a fun, safe place to just be himself and find some happiness in the midst of the grief, to losing his brother AND his new found friends. It was hard to watch. But he recovered from that. And he continues to spend time in his room playing his guitar, writing music, and singing.
He experiments with his voice. He has been trying to find his authentic voice. He records things, then brings them to me to listen to. I think it was yesterday or maybe the day before, he came out and asked me to listen to a recording to tell him what I thought of his voice. And there it was, his authentic voice. It was breathy, soulful and beautiful.
While Omi has her panic attacks, Nate has his own sets of challenges. He has always had these challenges, ever since he was a young child. His brain works differently than most; it is a beautiful thing; though it makes it very challenging to find and keep a job. He tries very hard to find jobs. He is 22 years old. He needs a job that will be more than just a job. He needs something that will support him. With no college education, this makes life very difficult. I know the right job is out there, but in the mean time, the challenge is very real and Nate does his best to keep a positive outlook on life. He has met some incredible people that keep him inspired. I am very grateful for his ability to keep very positive people in his life. I am grateful for the amazing friendships he does have.
It takes a great deal of strength to continue moving forward each day. It takes incredible strength to grieve the loss of his brother, be strong for his sisters, stay positive and keep looking for jobs. He has had some huge trials since Nick was killed.... being fired for crying in front of customers, car accidents, losing his band mates and friends, and being told he would have specific jobs only to never be called back and continually looking for jobs day in and day out. Any one of these things would be enough to throw people over the edge, but Nate keeps moving.
He has really stepped up at home. Whether he has said it out loud or not, his actions show that he feels a huge sense of responsibility to be the "big brother" now. He has been helping his dad around the house more. He has matured alot in the last couple of months.
And just yesterday, as I was struggling, he gave me hugs and came an listened to me. He held me when I cried and shared immense wisdom and strength with me.
Today, he has another interview. I am hoping this one works out for him...like I do for every job interview he goes out on. He deserves a break and really needs something great to happen in his life.
No comments:
Post a Comment