What I NEED is to feel like someone cars *enough*... whatever *enough* is. I can't even tell you what that would mean. Care enough to make me a priority. Care enough to drop everything no matter how far away they live. Care enough to say, "Hey... I bought you a ticket to get away from it all....let's go." Care enough to say, "I don't give a fuck if I have to work tomorrow, let's go out and get stupid tonight." Care enough to reply when I send a message that says, "Tell me something funny."
I know I have an amazing family. I know I have an amazing husband. I know they all "care enough". However, each one of us is grieving and it is hard sometimes to lift the other person up when you are grieving yourself. It is hard to care to someone else's needs when you are having a hard time keeping your shit together so you can get on with what you need to do at work. And sometimes as a grieving person, you want to escape the grief and those around you who are grieving.
No, I do not want to go to a grief support group. No I do not want to sit with other grieving parents and exchange stories. What I want is a break from it all.
At this stage in the game, I feel what I imagine most drug addicts feel when they are looking for their next fix. I am restless and feel as though I am coming out of my skin. I'm looking for that next rush. That next thing that will help me escape what I am feeling (even if its only temporary). I'm looking for my drug of choice, whatever that is. I don't do drugs so you can imagine my predicament. Yes, there are behaviors that are not very desirable in many people's opinions, and I guess if I had a drug of choice, those are the behaviors I would seek out. (Gluttony.....but I guess that has to do with the excess of anything.) It is in these situations... these feelings where coping mechanisms are helpful.
When I was a kid, I would run. I would take off from my house and run until I couldn't run anymore...(which wasn't very far) then I was cry my eyes out and wander the streets until I found myself back at my house. When I learned to drive, I would drive fast and recklessly. I still do sometimes. There was the eating disorder...binge eating followed by binge exercising. Then there was just binge eating. (Have I mentioned I at a whole box of girl scout cookies today?) I still bust out running until I cant run anymore and then I cry, but now it physically hurts me when I pull that kind of stunt. I'm not one to turn to alcohol when I'm upset. But I do have my vices and I just feel like I am coming out of my skin. It's not pretty, and I'm not fun to be around....which is ironic cause all I want is to be around certain people.
I think over all, I have handled Nick's death and other changes with relative grace. But today, I feel as though I am coming completely unglued and I would give anything for a crazy no-holds barred vacation where anything is game and all of this sadness is left behind.
And I also realize that just because I go on vacation, the stuff doesn't disappear. I realize I would come home, and it would still be here. *sigh* So then what's the point?
Ya.. I don't now either.
I did just take a nap (between writing this and posting this) maybe that will help.
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