March 27, 2015 Simmering.......

Just beneath the surface.  That is the way that I feel today.

First let me apologize. In writing these blogs and making them public, it is never my intention to hurt anyone.  I try very hard to be authentic but also to watch my words so as not to hurt anyone.  Yesterday's blog did hurt some people.  It was my choice of words that hurt them, not the intent behind them.  Yesterday's blog was real and pretty much uncut and uncensored.  However, if I had a chance to do it again, I would have said, "Please read this and understand I just need to vent and be heard; I don't need to be fixed or suggestions."  (That is a common technique used in marital conversations. )   In reality, that is all this blog (in it's entirety) is... a place for me to vent and be heard.

I also know that many times my blogs can stir up people's stuff, or it hurts to read them.  Please understand, these are the authentic thoughts and feelings of a grieving mom.  Some days I am gonna be doing great, and some days it is just downright painful.  Please read at your own risk.  I feel bad sometimes.  I am generally a very happy person and sometimes being so raw out in public makes me feel guilty.  But I also have to realize that I am not forcing anyone to read my blogs.  If you are reading this, it is because you choose to.   And I also blog because somewhere out there, someone is reading my blog and is finding solace and camaraderie.  What I type helps them feel less alone in whatever it is they are dealing with.    So I will continue to keep this very real (the good, bad and ugly) as well as very public. I thank you for your love and support; and I also understand if you can't continue to read.

With that said......

After I blogged last night, I went over to my friend, Anne's, house for tea and girl time.  We just sat around and discussed our kids.  And yes, I cried a bit.  One day I will be able to hang with my friends and not cry.  I don't always cry, but yesterday was rough.  I didn't leave her place until 1am this morning.  I am grateful for her friendship.

This morning, I was still pretty much a wreck, but gratefully, I had some really fun plans for today.  It was "Girl's Day Out" with Omi, Megan, (and Brandon).  Which one of these is not like the other?  LOL.  Brandon and I are great friends and he pouted to his wife (Megan) that she was going out to hang with me without him.  So we brought him along.  We hit the vintage clothing store, the steam punk store and the India store.  We tried on clothes, hats, and were generally silly.

We followed it up with yummy Thai food and they hired Omi to grade papers for Megan.  *laugh*  Fun times!

Afterwards, Tracy and I went for a quick motorcycle ride. It was so beautiful outside!!!!

With all of this fun, I still feel like a volcano is about to blow.  The last time I felt like this was shortly after Omi was born...maybe a year after (I can't remember exactly).  Tracy was travelling back and forth to Minnesota.  I was having a very  hard time with multiple personalities.  I spent most of the time as a 5 year old girl and I was scared to be alone.  I really needed my friend Gina (who was stationed with her husband in Italy) and in that moment she called me and told me she was coming to visit.  She says she felt me and knew I needed her.  She was a life saver that week.

This reminds me of a memory of Nick.  Nick was in 7th grade when Tracy was doing this traveling.  Like I said, I was having issues with multiple personalities.  I had 3 of them all together.  Ginny was 4 or 5 years old (she is the one I spent most of the time as).  I had a 10 year old (which I can't remember the name of).  And I had a 15 year old who didn't know how to drive and she was filled with rage; her name as Carly.

Tracy travelle leaving me home with 3 children to care for.  He didn't really have a choice; though we did tell his bosses what was going on and if I said Tracy had to come home; they would make sure he was on a plane.  But Nick was at home with me when Tracy was gone.  Nick, at 12 years old, was the biggest help.  He knew how to talk to Ginny and calm her down so that she would retreat and let me come back to be the mom I needed to be.  When my other personalities were in control, Nick watched over me as well as Nate and Omi.  I do not know what I would have done without him.  He went through more than any kid his age should have ever had to deal with.  I swear it is Carly's rage that helped Nick create his own.  I swear Nick didn't have a rage problem until all of this happened.  And who could blame him.  No 12 year old should have to play parent to his parent and siblings.  But no matter how much I try to take responsibility for Nick's rage, Nick always told me it as never my fault.  He said he had this problem before....from 5th grade when he was being bullied.  I don't remember that.  As a matter of fact, I remember Nick being happy in 6th grade......until my multiples made their appearance.   I guess I'll never know, but I will always be grateful.

I no longer have multiple personalities, but this feeling of explosion is pretty miserable.  Thankfully Tracy is here with me.  I know what this is... its the anticipation of Nick's birthday which is April 4th.  It's a week away.  And  ya.....with everything happening, I just feel like I am coming unglued.

I am better today.  I had a great day with my friends.  And I have a busy weekend ahead of me.  I have plans for next week to keep me moving and smiling.   I am not alone.  And I am working on self care.  Next week is filled with plans of laughter, cycling the green belt and hiking and fire pits.. and even roller skating!  I will make it through this!!!!

Thank you all for your love and support.  It truly means the world to me.