March 10, 2015 It Almost Happened.....

Today is 4 months since Nick was taken from us.

Just saying that and thinking that makes me take a deep huge breath.

But today, it almost happened.  All day today, I knew what to day was.  There is no escaping that fact.  But it didn't consume me.  It didn't take over every thought.  I wasn't depressed and I haven't even cried.   Nate and Omi seemed to have been in good moods all day.  I did let Omi take a "mental health day" from school because of her melt down last night.  But today, she seemed better.  I guess the day off did her some good and she has been excited about our race this weekend.  Nate was talking about his ideas he has been working on, and for the first time since the accident I see a real light in his eyes and an excitement about things (Until I bring him down to reality and tell him he needs a functioning car first...and that means a job that pays so he can get it working.... there I go again, being practical.)  But he was excited about something again.

I don't think my kids are over mourning their brother; I don't think that will ever stop.  As a matter of fact, Omi was crying about it Friday on the road trip.  So I know she still hurts.  But today of all days, it didn't consume them.  I can't say so much for Suzy.  I only saw her once today.  She was gone when I got out of bed this morning and when she came home, well, I don't know if it was exhaustion from the gym or if she had been crying.  Tonight she is working 6 hours and she was gone again when I got home from taking Omi to the orthodontist; I will likely be in bed when she gets home.  But I know for a fact, she knew what today was.

Actually, we don't sit around the house talking about the fact that Nick is gone.  When we talk about Nick, we talk about his life and the way he lived it.  We talk about the memories we have of him.  We don't talk about him being gone.  It's more like the elephant in the room.

Anyway, Tracy, who is at the corporate offices in California this week, sent me a message.  The HR lady told him today that he needs to update his life insurance policy.  *sigh*  Ya....about that.  Something we hadn't thought about.  We have to readjust the amount our children get if we both die at one time (like that is going to happen... but still..it's a reminder of what we have lost.)    When Tracy told me that, I was sad.  But something else happened today that really caught me.....

There is a user name I have used for years in various places and today I was typing it.  The user name refers to me being the mom to 3 children and it hit me like a gut punch.  Yes I know people keep telling me that Nick is still my son, but he is no longer here.  I am no longer mothering him. Unless you have lost a child of your own, it's hard to explain.  And even if you have lost a child of your own, there is a delicate balance of "yes I am a mom to that child, no I am not a mom to that child." or "I have 3 children/ I have 2 children."  The answers vacillate and it really depends on how I am feeling in the moment or how well I know someone or how much I want to talk about what has happened.  Or just how I want to tell the story to myself in any given moment.  That really is the hardest part to get used to (if there is such a thing).

So there you have it.  I have gone almost the entire day of the 4 month anniversary of my son's death without crying and feeling down.  I could blame this on being totally sick.  I could also blame it on being entirely too busy trying to get a new burlesque number ready for the 22nd of this month.  But mostly, I think it's just because I have been in a good place in the last couple of days or maybe a week.  But now as I type this.....I do feel sad.

One of my friends sent me a message to give me a hug today cause she knew what today was.  She didn't have to tell me that is why she was sending me hugs; I knew what it was.  Even that didn't send me over the edge today. But I was thinking today about how things are shifting.  Right after the accident we were inundated with well wishers and love and support and surrounded by people.  And I was told that after the initial storm, people would fall away. Everyone else's life will keep going while I still feel like my world has crashed and I will wonder where all that support has gone because it will be THEN, in the quiet times, that I need that support.  And I thought about that today.  It has gotten quieter.  In alot of ways I am grateful for that.  No one wants to be reminded on a daily basis of what has happened and the solitude can be nice.  However, I do truly appreciate it when my close friends remember when a specific day might be hard for me and they just send me love because they know that day might be hard.   I also realize that this friend is something special.  Because I have had friends lose their children, and I couldn't begin to tell you what day of the month it was (even if that child was a fried of mine) much less send a message to that grieving mom telling her that I am sending her love and hugs.  I feel like such a bad and self absorbed friend.  *sigh*  I guess we all deal with things differently.

Anyway....its been a relatively good day. And even though I am sick and am now on antibiotics for an ear infection, I managed to make some progress on my next burlesque routine.  Progress means finding the right bras for the costume.  Now I just need to make them sparkly and work on pasties.  I also started playing with Audacity to try and mash up two songs for my number.  That program is not as intuitive as I would like it to be.  I need a "music mash up for dummies" video :).    Ah well.  I'll get it figured out.  Doing it with a stuffy head and not feeling well isn't helping I'm sure.

Tomorrow is another day.  We shall see how much I get done tomorrow......let's hope this creeping crud finds the exit door.  I have a half marathon on Saturday! Like I said, not time to be sick!