March 17, 2015 Sometimes You Just Have To Let It Out

The last week has been hard on me.  Not because I was sick or because Tracy was gone, but because I feel a shift happening.  We all grieve and we all heal in different ways and in different times.  The grief in the house has seemed to be lifted a bit and that is a good thing, but it is also a bit unsettling... and here is why....

I know I have talked about this before, but the  idea of the grief lifting feels like maybe we are going to forget Nick.  Though I know we are not going to forget him, and I know he would want us all to let go of grief and remember him with laughter and love and live our lives to the fullest.  It's a weird feeling.  I have seen moms who have lost their children and have completely just given up on life and I have seen moms instantly jump into something else and kind of put the grief aside creating complicated grief in their life.  I have tried very hard to be authentic and honest with myself.  I have tried very hard to live my life to the fullest, while allowing myself to grieve and cry when I feel the need to.  Sometimes I think people look at me and expect me to be an emotional mess and must think I am some kind of bad mom because I'm not.  In the end, I am just doing me the best way I know how to do me.  But never mistake my laughter for lack of grief.

With that said, I am grateful for some semblance of normalcy in my family.  I am grateful for some of the emotional lifting that I am seeing and feeling.  The heaviness we have experienced is suffocating, and I'm grateful for some fresh air.

That lifting also opens up another set of emotions that I am just not sure what to do with or how to handle.  Once again, I would give anything for a rulebook!  With Suzy's grief lifting a bit, it only follows that she might decide it is time to start moving on to the next chapter of her life.  And honestly, I want her to be happy.  I in no way want her to spend the rest of her life crying over Nick being gone.  I don't want that for any of us.  I want Suzy to be open to finding love again.  I want Suzy to be happy.  I know Nick would want the same thing.  But as Nick's mom... as the mom who lost her son...I have a foot on each side of the emotional spectrum.   I want her to be happy, but part of me says that her moving on means leaving Nick behind.  And that is only happening because he is dead.   I want her to be happy.  I want her to be able to talk to us if/when she decides to date again, but I also understand how awkward that would be for her (and the guy).

I don't even know how to express how this affects me emotionally.  It is hard and painful.  I am torn. And I can only imagine what Suzy would feel when she decides it's time.  I love her so much.

I think when it all comes down to it, I am afraid that Nick will be lost.  That in Suzy moving on, I lose Nick even more.  That one day she will decide to let go of things that belonged to Nick, and they will just be gone and with it, Nick goes away further.

I remember when my friend Barbara died from brain cancer.  She had a husband and 2 kids.  It didn't even take a year and he was married again.  That happens alot for men who have children.  I get it.  I know everyone grieves and processes at their own speed.  And I in no way judge people for their choices.  I think that as we get closer to closing on Nick's probate and his graduation, we get closer to really being "done" with the "business" of Nick's death.  And as we get closer, this very real possibility of Suzy moving on is hitting me harder.

My fear started to consume me. The fear of losing Suzy on top of losing Nick was horrible.  The fear of losing Nick even further was debilitating.  And last night for the first time since Nick was killed, I heard myself say "I don't want to live this life without Nick in it."   I am NOT suicidal.  I am NOT considering leaving this world.  I realize I have so much to live for.  I realize I have an amazing family here that still needs me.  I would NEVER leave them.  I LOVE MY ENTIRE FAMILY.  I am not about to take my life.  But for the first time since November 10th, the reality of living this life without Nick just hit me hard and I if I had a choice (which I don't) I would not want to live this life without Nick in it.    That reality was crippling.

I was able to talk to Suzy about all of this today.  We held each other and cried.  I love her so much and I want all the happiness for her.  I am so glad we can talk about this together.  I am grateful for her love.  The last thing I want to do is be the person who holds her back.  I want her to be open to love and companionship.  I also want her to feel comfortable enough to talk to us about this.  I want her to feel comfortable enough to introduce a guy when the time is right.  I know all of that is awkward and I know all of it is painful.  But it is reality.  It hurts to think about her with someone other than Nick...but only because that cements the reality of what we already know.. that he is gone and not coming back.  But that isn't Suzy hurting me; its just another step in this process of moving on.  Gah!  This stuff is so complicated...and yet so simple.