March 28, 2015 I Found a Hidden Talent!!!!

Who knew that slow running me could be of any use out there on a long run for a speedy runner?!!!!

I was anxious and excited for today.  My good friend, Tina,  was signed up for Picked Feet 6/12/24/48 hour run today.  It takes place at Eagle Island State Park which is by my house.  It's a 2.5 mile loop that can be done in either direction.  Tina signed up for the 24 hour run that started last night at 6pm.  She ran through the night with one of our other running friends named Emily.  Tina had asked me to join her this morning to bring up her tired spirits and "pace" her for a little bit.  Usually a "pacer" is someone who has fresh legs and keeps the tired racer motivated and going to keep their desired pace up.

Anyway, I was excited and anxious for today.  I was excited to see Tina.  She has been one of my biggest supporters after Nick died.  We were friends before, but since Nick died we have become very close.  My whole family adores her.  She has been "here" and "present" in a time when other people just don't know how to deal with my grief.  She is also a huge supporter of my running and getting back to it.  I adore her.  Since she moved to Oregon, I don't get to see her.  But she was in town for the race, so I was excited to see her.  However, I was anxious to "run" with her or "pace" her.  1)  I don't run.  You have heard me say that over and over again.  2)  Even when I WAS running ( when I originally met her) I was very VERY slow and Tina is like a mountain goat and way speedy!  So I just knew I would be no good as a "pacer" and slow her down. But she insisted that I come down and do a couple of laps with her just to catch up.  So I did.

I have never been to this race.  I was training for last year's race before I ended up with back surgery.  But today I arrived and saw runners coming and going.  It was cold, windy, and clear and beautiful.  There was a line of tents and people's personal aid stations with piles of extra shoes to change into during their races.  There were family members out there to cheer on their runners.  There were runner's kids just out enjoying the park.  There was music piped up loud.  The energy was amazing.  I got there and found the finish/start/timing line and main aid station where there was pizza, fruits, candies, soups, sandwiches, bacon, and hydration stuff for the runners.  There was even a massage tent with a couple of therapists out there to work on the runners as they made their seemingly endless loops.  I stood there and waited for Tina to make her loop.  As I did, I saw several of my running friends whom I haven't seen in a very long time.  I got lots of hugs.  And I got some of "those looks" but for the most part, I was just so happy to be among this crowd again.  There is nothing like the trail running community.

Tina finally came around the corner with a huge smile and HUGE hug!!!!  She was running with Emily. They were running behind their goal time.  Emily was having IT band issues.  Tina was off her game.  They were just happy to be moving and smiling.  After they took their little break, we hit the trail.  We passed our friends and other runners with high fives and "Great jobs!".  (Man I love the running community!)  We stopped for a runner who only had a loop and  a half to finish her 100 miles and she was in so much pain.  I gave her some water to help swallow some Advil.  (Glad I could help her with that.)  And we kept walking.   When we finished our first loop, I went into "service mode".  "What can I get you, Tina?  How can I help?"  She took a bio break and I took are of refilling her water bottle.  This act, means so much to me.  Being of service is all I ever want to do, and to be able to help and support her means the world to me.

We visited.  The first loop was all about Nick and how life is going.  But the 2nd loop became about what every other conversation between friends on a trail is.  My life is so much more than just grieving for my son, and Tina knows this.  And Emily knows this.  And I LOVED visiting with them!  As it turns out, the 2 laps I did with them, did pick up their speed.  My fresh (slow) legs actually helped them pick up their speed!  Whoda' thunk!  I found a hidden talent as a pacer!!!!

I finished my 2 laps (5 measly miles) and gave them hugs goodbye.  It was a great way to start my morning!  I am so glad that I was able to give back to a woman who has given me so much in the last couple of months.

With all of that said, I woke up with a serious muscle issue in my right side/back. I thought with the walking it would walk it out.  I was seriously wrong.  By the time I was done with 5 miles, I could barely drive my car home.  By the time I got home, I could barely walk.  Tracy had to undress me so that I could take a shower. He almost had to bathe me.  I kept screaming in pain.  This is NOT what I had planned.  I need to do some seriously cleaning today!  I have taken a pain killer and a muscle relaxer and I'm sitting with a heating pad hoping it will all clear up or at least help me enough so I can start cleaning.

No matter what, I am so very happy and grateful for the start of my day and for amazing friends like Tina.  I am grateful for the running community.  And I am kicking myself for not taking pictures with Emily and Tina!  They are total rock stars!  For that matter all of my friends out there roughing it out on the flat 2.5 mile loop for HOURS on end are complete rock stars!  That is the true test of mental endurance. Amazing! And I have decided that next year I will be there!

March 27, 2015 Simmering.......

Just beneath the surface.  That is the way that I feel today.

First let me apologize. In writing these blogs and making them public, it is never my intention to hurt anyone.  I try very hard to be authentic but also to watch my words so as not to hurt anyone.  Yesterday's blog did hurt some people.  It was my choice of words that hurt them, not the intent behind them.  Yesterday's blog was real and pretty much uncut and uncensored.  However, if I had a chance to do it again, I would have said, "Please read this and understand I just need to vent and be heard; I don't need to be fixed or suggestions."  (That is a common technique used in marital conversations. )   In reality, that is all this blog (in it's entirety) is... a place for me to vent and be heard.

I also know that many times my blogs can stir up people's stuff, or it hurts to read them.  Please understand, these are the authentic thoughts and feelings of a grieving mom.  Some days I am gonna be doing great, and some days it is just downright painful.  Please read at your own risk.  I feel bad sometimes.  I am generally a very happy person and sometimes being so raw out in public makes me feel guilty.  But I also have to realize that I am not forcing anyone to read my blogs.  If you are reading this, it is because you choose to.   And I also blog because somewhere out there, someone is reading my blog and is finding solace and camaraderie.  What I type helps them feel less alone in whatever it is they are dealing with.    So I will continue to keep this very real (the good, bad and ugly) as well as very public. I thank you for your love and support; and I also understand if you can't continue to read.

With that said......

After I blogged last night, I went over to my friend, Anne's, house for tea and girl time.  We just sat around and discussed our kids.  And yes, I cried a bit.  One day I will be able to hang with my friends and not cry.  I don't always cry, but yesterday was rough.  I didn't leave her place until 1am this morning.  I am grateful for her friendship.

This morning, I was still pretty much a wreck, but gratefully, I had some really fun plans for today.  It was "Girl's Day Out" with Omi, Megan, (and Brandon).  Which one of these is not like the other?  LOL.  Brandon and I are great friends and he pouted to his wife (Megan) that she was going out to hang with me without him.  So we brought him along.  We hit the vintage clothing store, the steam punk store and the India store.  We tried on clothes, hats, and were generally silly.

We followed it up with yummy Thai food and they hired Omi to grade papers for Megan.  *laugh*  Fun times!

Afterwards, Tracy and I went for a quick motorcycle ride. It was so beautiful outside!!!!

With all of this fun, I still feel like a volcano is about to blow.  The last time I felt like this was shortly after Omi was born...maybe a year after (I can't remember exactly).  Tracy was travelling back and forth to Minnesota.  I was having a very  hard time with multiple personalities.  I spent most of the time as a 5 year old girl and I was scared to be alone.  I really needed my friend Gina (who was stationed with her husband in Italy) and in that moment she called me and told me she was coming to visit.  She says she felt me and knew I needed her.  She was a life saver that week.

This reminds me of a memory of Nick.  Nick was in 7th grade when Tracy was doing this traveling.  Like I said, I was having issues with multiple personalities.  I had 3 of them all together.  Ginny was 4 or 5 years old (she is the one I spent most of the time as).  I had a 10 year old (which I can't remember the name of).  And I had a 15 year old who didn't know how to drive and she was filled with rage; her name as Carly.

Tracy travelle leaving me home with 3 children to care for.  He didn't really have a choice; though we did tell his bosses what was going on and if I said Tracy had to come home; they would make sure he was on a plane.  But Nick was at home with me when Tracy was gone.  Nick, at 12 years old, was the biggest help.  He knew how to talk to Ginny and calm her down so that she would retreat and let me come back to be the mom I needed to be.  When my other personalities were in control, Nick watched over me as well as Nate and Omi.  I do not know what I would have done without him.  He went through more than any kid his age should have ever had to deal with.  I swear it is Carly's rage that helped Nick create his own.  I swear Nick didn't have a rage problem until all of this happened.  And who could blame him.  No 12 year old should have to play parent to his parent and siblings.  But no matter how much I try to take responsibility for Nick's rage, Nick always told me it as never my fault.  He said he had this problem before....from 5th grade when he was being bullied.  I don't remember that.  As a matter of fact, I remember Nick being happy in 6th grade......until my multiples made their appearance.   I guess I'll never know, but I will always be grateful.

I no longer have multiple personalities, but this feeling of explosion is pretty miserable.  Thankfully Tracy is here with me.  I know what this is... its the anticipation of Nick's birthday which is April 4th.  It's a week away.  And  ya.....with everything happening, I just feel like I am coming unglued.

I am better today.  I had a great day with my friends.  And I have a busy weekend ahead of me.  I have plans for next week to keep me moving and smiling.   I am not alone.  And I am working on self care.  Next week is filled with plans of laughter, cycling the green belt and hiking and fire pits.. and even roller skating!  I will make it through this!!!!

Thank you all for your love and support.  It truly means the world to me.

March 26, 2015 Read At Your Own Risk....

Okay, so this post is going to be very raw and very ugly.  If you have even an inkling of a judgemental side, just stop reading now.  If you want to play arm chair therapist (even if you are licensed) check that thought at the door.  I don't need that either.  What I DO need is to get this out of my system.

What I NEED is to feel like someone cars *enough*... whatever *enough* is.  I can't even tell you what that would mean.  Care enough to make me a priority.  Care enough to drop everything no matter how far away they live. Care enough to say, "Hey... I bought you a ticket to get away from it all....let's go." Care enough to say, "I don't give a fuck if I have to work tomorrow, let's go out and get stupid tonight."  Care enough to reply when I send a message that says, "Tell me something funny."

I know I have an amazing family.  I know I have an amazing husband.  I know they all "care enough".  However, each one of us is grieving and it is hard sometimes to lift the other person up when you are grieving yourself.  It is hard to care to someone else's needs when you are having a hard time keeping your shit together so you can get on with what you need to do at work.  And sometimes as a grieving person, you want to escape the grief and those around you who are grieving.

No, I do not want to go to a grief support group.  No I do not want to sit with other grieving parents and exchange stories.  What I want is a break from it all.

At this stage in the game, I feel what I imagine most drug addicts feel when they are looking for their next fix.  I am restless and feel as though I am coming out of my skin.  I'm looking for that next rush.  That next thing that will help me escape what I am feeling (even if its only temporary).  I'm looking for my drug of choice, whatever that is.  I don't do drugs so you can imagine my predicament.  Yes, there are behaviors that are not very desirable in many people's opinions, and I guess if I had a drug of choice, those are the behaviors I would seek out.  (Gluttony.....but I guess that has to do with the excess of anything.)  It is in these situations... these feelings where coping mechanisms are helpful.

When I was a kid, I would run.  I would take off from my house and run until I couldn't run anymore...(which wasn't very far) then I was cry my eyes out and wander the streets until I found myself back at my house.  When I learned to drive, I would drive fast and recklessly.  I still do sometimes.    There was the eating disorder...binge eating followed by binge exercising. Then there was just binge eating.  (Have I mentioned I at a whole box of girl scout cookies today?)  I still bust out running until I cant run anymore and then I cry, but now it physically hurts me when I pull that kind of stunt.  I'm not one to turn to alcohol when I'm upset.  But I do have my vices and I just feel like I am coming out of my skin.  It's not pretty, and I'm not fun to be around....which is ironic cause all I want is to be around certain people.

I think over all, I have handled Nick's death and other changes with relative grace.  But today, I feel as though I am coming completely unglued and I would give anything for a crazy no-holds barred vacation where anything is game and all of this sadness is left behind.

And I also realize that just because I go on vacation, the stuff doesn't disappear. I realize I would come home, and it would still be here.   *sigh*  So then what's the point?

Ya.. I don't now either.

I did just take a nap (between writing this and posting this) maybe that will help.

March 25, 2015 Joy Rebirthed

When Nick found out that I was doing burlesque, he asked me to perform to Michael Buble's "Feeling Good".  I said "no".  It was too over done and too cliche.

Then I had an idea (separate from Nick's) about dong a roller skating performance with Isis wings, but realized that the carpet on the stage would not work for that.  Then I had ANOTHER idea for Isis wings, and it became a tribute piece for Nick.  It was done in his honor.  It was done to Muses's "Feeling Good".  The music was edgier, just like Nick.  The story line starts in Grief and ends in Joy being Rebirthed.

Normally, I do not post the video of my performances for the public to see.  But because this one was done in Nick's honor, it deserves to be posted on this blog.

For all of the mom's out there who have lost their children, we all have a journey to take which starts the day our child dies.  I know many of you have found some way to cherish and honor your child beyond their passing.   Some moms choose writing books. Some moms choose to create non profit organizations to promote whatever took their child's life.  Some moms take to the government to create new laws.  Some moms focus on their art or even their child's art.  Some moms blog.  Some moms dance.  Some turn to their religious beliefs.  We all find some ways to honor that child whom we carried in our womb for 9 months.. who was so much a part of our body....so much a part of who we are.  And for me.... I not only gave birth to Nick physically, but his birth created a chain of "births" in my life...and even in his death, he continues to create new "births" or "creations", and this dance is just one of them.

***Big thanks goes out to my friend Joey for capturing the video and editing it and making it glorious and to Frankly Burlesque for letting me perform!

March 24, 2015 Meeting Millionaire........

I thought Nick would flip when he met him.

Today's blog is another memory I had of Nick.  I have to blog about them because my memory is so fleeting, and the last thing I need is another brain injury knocking out what little memories I have left.. so I'm writing them down.

It was 2006.  Tracy and I had already been working with James Arthur Ray for several months.  This particular day, James was in town because friends had brought him to town for another free introduction.   At this point in Nick's life, he had been arrested and straightening his life out.  He was falling in love with physics. He was a senior in high school, and spiritually he was pretty open to all possibilities or at least the New Age Thought.  He had watched The Secret and he had seen his parent's lives change.  When I asked Nick if he wanted to go to the seminar, he was excited.

During the free seminar, Nick was hanging on James' every word.  He was ecstatic.  At the end of the seminar, he was absolutely shocked and excited that he would get to meet and shake hands with a millionaire.  (I think some little part of him wanted that for his life.)

That night, Nick signed up for the weekend seminar in San Diego.  I was going to be going and "Dream Teaming" for the event.  It was an expensive seminar, and it was going to be an expensive trip, including staying in a 5 star hotel at the marina.  It was certainly going to be the fanciest trip Nick had ever taken.

Nick was a senior in high school.  He dressed in full on hippie gear.  That year for back to school shopping, I had taken him shopping at Hait and Ashbury in San Fran.  He had authentic hippie wear.  He wore a rainbow rasta hat with his longish hair that was growing out.  He played hackey sack and ran around barefooted every chance he got.

He and I boarded the plane and headed to San Diego.  Nick was excited for what was coming.  When we landed, we took a cab (which he had never done) to the hotel.  He was shocked by the hotel we were staying in.  We were sharing a room with one of our good friends Shawn.  Nick had a roll away.  Once we were settled, we went walking around the marina and shopping complex.  We stopped and had dinner at a fancy sea food restaurant.  As we ate and walked around, Nick told me, "Mom, this is so cool.  I am so happy at the changes you and dad have made.  Before you were always so worried about money and you would NEVER think about flying anywhere because it was too expensive.  Much less, pay for a seminar like this or for a fancy hotel or eat a place like this."

It's not that Tracy and I were poor or had money problems.  We didn't.  We just had a horrible mindset about money.  And the work with James helped with that, and Nick saw that.  He appreciated it.

During the seminar, Nick was pretty much on his own.  I was Dream Teaming (volunteering) so I was busy working the entire weekend.  I was James' body guard for the weekend, so I had to stick close by him.  There was not any time to just hang with my boy.  But he always sat up front as much as he could, and since that is where I was always stationed, I got to watch him experience this event.  I got to watch my 17 year old son hang out with all kinds of business people from all parts of the country.  I got to see him hold some intense conversations.  I got to watch him grow.

At one point during some kind of break, before we had opened the doors for participants to return to their seats, Nick was outside in the lobby playing hacky sack with a few people.  Everyone loved Nick.  Nick had the best energy.  The hacky sack got stuck up in the rafters.  We had to call maintenance.  Yup, that's my son always causing a scene.  *laugh*  But everyone loved him.  People kept coming up to me telling me how amazing he was and what a joy it was to sit at his table and get to now him and hear his thoughts.

In the end, years later, Nick thought James' teachings were  bunch of phooey!  And yes, lots of things changed with James over the years.  But for that one weekend, Nick had an amazing eye opening experience which I am certain affected him in a positive manner.  Nick may have never made it to millionaire status (but then again, I don't think that was his dream), but he left a huge impression on those who came into contact with him.  He was rich beyond measure and left those of us who knew and loved him richer for knowing him.

March 23, 2015 Changes and Wishes......

Today has been a big day of introspective thinking.

I had a really great weekend filled with quality time spent with some of my favorite people.  I felt the most relaxed I have felt since before the great house hunt of 2014.  But as the weekend came to an end, not only did I spend it laughing, but I was given a big reason to pause and become very introspective.

Last night's burlesque performance was hilarious.  My friends had me laughing my ass off.  And some things happened to really make me think.   I already said that in the previous paragraph.  I guess that is what happens when you can't really talk about specifics.

But I can talk about changes and wishes....

Today as I sat quietly at home, I found myself contemplating the changes that continue to happen in my life.  As time passes, changes inevitably come.  As with most things since Nick's death, these changes are not changes I want, but things I need to accept and decide how I will react to them.  I can't stop the change but I can decide how to react to them.  So that is what I do.  And last night, we were face to face with a big change, and it really was a test to see how we would react to it.  I think we handled it pretty well.  But when it comes down to it, the best way to sum it up was reiterated in a TV show I watched today.  I started watching The Diaries of Carrie.  This show is a Netflix series that is based on Carrie Bradshaw from Sex In the City as a teenager.  In the pilot episode, we find her family grieving from her mom's death.  Change was happening in their house... a change they didn't really want or ask for.  The dad was having to take over the mom's role and he said he didn't want to because in doing that, it made his wife's death that much more real.  YES!  That is exactly the way I feel about these changes.  Coming face to face with it last night, makes the death of Nick that much more real.  It's not like I have been in denial.  But still.  And my choice is whether or not to accept it with grace or .. well.. the other option is just not pretty.  So accepting it with grace is the answer.  

Then today, Suzy received the legal paperwork from the lawyers about the end of probate and the settlement.  She took the paper work to the house she is house sitting and opened it alone and posted a picture of her crying while she signed the papers.  Another thing that just cements the fact that Nick is gone.  It sucks.  It really does. 

As a family... as individuals.. we can laugh, we can behave as though we are moving on... and we are.  But if we were given a choice, we would have Nick back here in an instant!  And there are times when we just want to cry.

And just as I was feeling kind of low, a friend on facebook posted an article about 30,000 rubber duckies that had fallen off of a boat and scientists have been using these ducks to learn about the wave patterns of the ocean.  This was a message from Nick.......from my own "Rubber Ducky".  God I miss that boy, but I love him for sending me a message via facebook.. a message to not take life so seriously and to find things to smile about... a message that when things go bad, there is always something to learn and smile from it.  Thanks, kiddo.

Wishes....

As time goes by, I find myself wishing that Nick was here to meet some very special people in my life.  Some of my friends who never met him, would have been great friends with him.  I see them post quotes that would have totally been something Nick would have posted.  And I get sad.  I get sad that these people who mean so much to me will NEVER meet my boy.  And I get sad that Nick never got the chance to meet them.  It really does make me sad.  There will be people that come and go in my life and I will always wish he would be here to meet them.  it just makes me cry.

March 20, 21 and 22 Three In One.....

Because sometimes life is just too busy to do just one :).


It's been a crazy weekend, and by crazy I mean very relaxing (well for the most part).

Friday started out a bit rocky.  Having to wake up the boy child to find my keys first thing in the morning because he took my car out in the middle of the night without asking me doesn't make me happy first thing in the morning.  But I managed to shake it off.

When I dropped Tracy off at work, we agreed that I would meet him for lunch.  It was the first time in 2 weeks that I actually felt like getting dressed up (and by dressed up, I mean doing my hair and no sweats *laugh*).  It was nice to have lunch with him.  I love spending time with my hubby.

Then my friend, Brandon, asked if he could come by for a hug and a visit.  Yay!!!!!  I have missed hanging out with him. He has been so busy with work and life just gets in the way.  So it was fun to have him come over and laugh and be goofy for a bit.  It really made my day!

I took Naomi to Ophidias for her to take her aearial silks class.  It is such a pleasure to watch her grow in strength and confidence in this class.  She gets things on the first time (most of the time).  Her core is getting a bit stronger which is helping with her control and inversions.  To see her hanging upside down between the silks is amazing!!!!  The amount of strength and grace it takes to do that is amazing.  And the smile on her face when she accomplishes it is freaking amazing!

All day I had been looking forward to going to our friend Mishi's for some hot tub time, but that got cancelled.  I kinda felt sad, but she came over here and we watched movies instead.  It was nice to just chill and relax.  You know your are getting old when your idea of partying is hanging out at home and watching The Princess Bride with your friend and hubby and all of you kinda conk out on the couch together.  *laugh*

Saturday morning I woke up in a really dark funk.  Things just started to get to me.  The other day I googled Nick and Michaeleen Blair (the woman who killed my son).  Nick's google search came up with the articles about his accident as well as his accomplishments in school.  When I google Blair, the only things that come up are articles about her killing my son.  I kind of got an evil laugh going; Nick will be remembered for greatness.  Blair will be remembered for something horrible.  We win.  *laugh*  But not really.   And on Friday, I got a message from a good friend in Florida.  Someone ha taken down my "watch for motorcycles" memorial sign at Nick memorial site and put up their garage sale sign.  Chelsea saw it and pulled over and yanked up the garage sale sign and put the memorial sign back up. Then she went and hunted down all of the other garage sale signs and took them down and will be returning them to the person with a message from me.  OMG.  Who does that shit?  And the dark side of me wonders if it was Blair's family having a garage sale in order to make up for the money they gave Suzy.  But I also know what she is worth so no garage sale is needed.  But uhhh... who would take down a memorial sign?  Who would feel that entitled and cruel and heartless?  That pissed me off.  So ya... Saturday morning I woke up with this angry dark space in my head.

In an effort to shake it off.  We decided to take Nate and Omi to breakfast.  I love spending time with my kids and visiting and catching up on life with them.  They are both so intelligent and passionate about life.  They have such great attitudes and beautiful smiles.    I'm so blessed to be their mom.

I wasn't able to really shake off the sadness I woke up with.  We had plans to head to Mishi's for some hot tub time.  So after picking up Kasey for he and Omi's "date night" and coming home and taking a nap, we headed out to pick up Mishi and head to dinner.  I was still in a funk.  Mishi saw this and gave me a hug that made me smile a bit.  Then it was back to her house for some wine and some hot tubbing.  I just floated in the water looking up at the stars.  I'm pretty sure we boiled ourselves alive last night. I just didn't want to get out of the hot tub, which is very unusual for me.  For the first time since house buying, I was really totally relaxed.   By the time we went home last night, I was happy mush.

This morning, I was still happy mush.  I even had this great/weird dream last night/this morning.  It was about creating my own reality. I would think some amazing thought/dream/goal and just like Tinker Bell's sparkly/glittery/shooting star entrance, my dream would fly through the air and manifest itself.  It was pretty magical.

Today is my friend Kristina's birthday.  We are heading out to burlesque tonight to celebrate.  It should be fun.  Before that happens, I will likely take another nap *laugh*.

Here's the first real relaxing weekend I have had in a very very very long time!

March 19, 2015 Just When You Think It's Safe......

........They show a stupid movie in Omi's English Class.

So Naomi had an orthodontist appointment today at 9:30.  I was just planning on having her skip the 1st period of school.  It would have been easier.  However, because they were having some kind of party in English (and she bought cookies) she really wanted to go.  Fine.  I drop her off at school at 7:45 am.  I go home and pick up Tracy and take him to work; then I head straight back to Omi's school to pick her up.  She comes out and gets in the car, and she is holding tightly to her stuffed dragon that she had taken to school to hang with for English.  I guess she knew she was going to watch a movie.  Anyway, she was clutching Toothless and her face was buried in it.  This was not a good sign.

Before I go any further, I should say that she has been very bubbly and up beat recently. As I dropped Tracy off at work, I was just telling him about her mood shift and signs of good things happening and shifting in her mood.  He said, "Well I hope it sticks."   (Maybe we should have knocked on wood.)

So now, here is Naomi in my car, obviously something is wrong.  I asked her what is up.  She is bawling.  "They gave us two choices in movies.  Big Hero 6......"

If you have not sen Big Hero 6, let me just say, a brother dies in the film.  For obvious reasons, Omi did NOT want to see this movie.  She has already seen it, and it did not go over well.

She continues, ".....or Brother Bear.  I love Brother Bear, but I just wish the Spirits were true....."

And she is bawling...

Have you seen Brother Bear?  Let me give you a hint... THE FREAKING BROTHER DIES!!!!!!

*sigh*  I know it is too much to ask a teacher to remember when one out of their hundred students has a death in the family.. but ugh!  A little warning would have been nice!  That was like torture to her to make her sit through that.  And of course, Omi didn't say anything and ask to be excused.  *sigh*

I will be writing a letter to the English teacher asking them to be considerate of this in the future.

Gratefully, Omi had a therapy appointment scheduled for today.  And gratefully, she has managed to bounce back pretty easily from it.  I'm soooooo grateful for that!

We also got some great news today... NATE GOT A JOB!!!!!  It's the job he interviewed for yesterday.  It's some kind of sales position.  Its only 25 hours a week and pays hourly plus commission.  The boss tells him that people there are making full time wages with the commission.  Let's hope so!  Let's also hope that he likes it and it works out!  He not only needs the job, but he needs to keep the job for a long time to establish a decent work history.  Keep your fingers crossed, y'all!   He is pretty excited because the 25 hours a week also gives him time to continue his project/work idea he has been working on with a friend of his....its a workshop/conference business.  His friend is a personal trainer and very inspirational and charismatic.  Between the two of them, I think they have some magic happening.  Nate has also found a partnership with a board store here in town to sponsor/partner up with him to teach mountain board lessons.  This is something he has wanted to do for years.  So..... this new job gives him the freedom to continue working on that while also making money.  Please keep him in your thoughts that all of these amazing things can come to fruition for him.  He needs magic to happen in his life.  (We all do.)

Over all, its been a good day in the Spiva house.  A few bumps in the road, but forward progress is being made, and I'm grateful!

March 18, 2015 The Strength of the Second Son

I know you constantly hear me yak on and on about the grief I feel over losing Nick, or the dancing and running with Omi, or the panic attacks Omi has.  You hear me talk about burlesque, bike riding or hiking with Suzy.  But I feel as though you don't hear me say much about Nate.

Yes, I know in the middle of things, you might hear me talk about an accident he has had in my car or the fact that he is still unemployed.  But other than that, there is not a whole lot.

I don't know if it's because he is kind of the quintessential middle child or what.  What I do know is that ever since Nick has died, Nate has found himself thrust into a different role in life.  He went from being the second son to the only son.  He went from being a big brother to the ONLY big brother.  Nate has instantaneously felt an immense responsibility to watch after his little sister (even more than he did before).  He felt instantaneously responsible and protective of Suzy.  As a matter of fact, when we were in Florida right after Nick was killed, we all went to pizza at our favorite beach side pizza joint.  The server there was hanging around us and talking.  Nate was livid and watching him closely.  He felt like the guy was flirting with Suzy and Nate would have none of that.  He felt like men were just going to take advantage of Suzy, and it was his job to protect her.  He went from having one sister to look out for to two, and he takes that very seriously.

On top of this added sense of responsibility, he has lost his life long playmate.  He lost his best friend.   Watching him heal from that has been one of the hardest things to watch.  Sometimes Nate is like a ghost walking around the house.  He is stealthy.  He is quiet. He walks around with headphones on his his head listening to his music and barely making a creek in the floor beneath his feet.  Sometimes the grief on his face is soooo intense it hurts.  And sometimes the light in his eyes shines bright enough to power the world!   Every since Nick died, Nate has been wrapped up in his music. He has found solace there.  For a short time, he was in a band with some family friends.  There was some kind of blow up, and it hit Nate hard.  I didn't think he would bounce back.  He went from having a fun, safe place to just be himself and find some happiness in the midst of the grief, to losing his brother AND his new found friends.  It was hard to watch.  But he recovered from that.  And he continues to spend time in his room playing his guitar, writing music, and singing.

He experiments with his voice.  He has been trying to find his authentic voice.  He records things, then brings them to me to listen to.  I think it was yesterday or maybe the day before, he came out and asked me to listen to a recording to tell him what I thought of his voice.  And there it was, his authentic voice.  It was breathy, soulful and beautiful.

While Omi has her panic attacks, Nate has his own sets of challenges.  He has always had these challenges, ever since he was a young child.  His brain works differently than most; it is a beautiful thing; though it makes it very challenging to find and keep a job.  He tries very hard to find jobs.  He is 22  years old.  He needs a job that will be more than just a job.  He needs something that will support him.  With no college education, this makes life very difficult.  I know the right job is out there, but in the mean time, the challenge is very real and Nate does his best to keep a positive outlook on life.  He has met some incredible people that keep him inspired.  I am very grateful for his ability to keep very positive people in his life.  I am grateful for the amazing friendships he does have.

It takes a great deal of strength to continue moving forward each day.  It takes incredible strength to grieve the loss of his brother, be strong for his sisters, stay positive and keep looking for jobs.  He has had some huge trials since Nick was killed.... being fired for crying in front of customers, car accidents, losing his band mates and friends, and being told he would have specific jobs only to never be called back and continually looking for jobs day in and day out.  Any one of these things would be enough to throw people over the edge, but Nate keeps moving.

He has really stepped up at home. Whether he has said it out loud or not, his actions show that he feels a huge sense of responsibility to be the "big brother" now.  He has been helping his dad around the house more.  He has matured alot in the last couple of months.

And just yesterday, as I was struggling, he gave me hugs and came an listened to me.  He held me when I cried and shared immense wisdom and strength with me.

Today, he has another interview.  I am hoping this one works out for him...like I do for every job interview he goes out on.  He deserves a break and really needs something great to happen in his life.

March 17, 2015 Sometimes You Just Have To Let It Out

The last week has been hard on me.  Not because I was sick or because Tracy was gone, but because I feel a shift happening.  We all grieve and we all heal in different ways and in different times.  The grief in the house has seemed to be lifted a bit and that is a good thing, but it is also a bit unsettling... and here is why....

I know I have talked about this before, but the  idea of the grief lifting feels like maybe we are going to forget Nick.  Though I know we are not going to forget him, and I know he would want us all to let go of grief and remember him with laughter and love and live our lives to the fullest.  It's a weird feeling.  I have seen moms who have lost their children and have completely just given up on life and I have seen moms instantly jump into something else and kind of put the grief aside creating complicated grief in their life.  I have tried very hard to be authentic and honest with myself.  I have tried very hard to live my life to the fullest, while allowing myself to grieve and cry when I feel the need to.  Sometimes I think people look at me and expect me to be an emotional mess and must think I am some kind of bad mom because I'm not.  In the end, I am just doing me the best way I know how to do me.  But never mistake my laughter for lack of grief.

With that said, I am grateful for some semblance of normalcy in my family.  I am grateful for some of the emotional lifting that I am seeing and feeling.  The heaviness we have experienced is suffocating, and I'm grateful for some fresh air.

That lifting also opens up another set of emotions that I am just not sure what to do with or how to handle.  Once again, I would give anything for a rulebook!  With Suzy's grief lifting a bit, it only follows that she might decide it is time to start moving on to the next chapter of her life.  And honestly, I want her to be happy.  I in no way want her to spend the rest of her life crying over Nick being gone.  I don't want that for any of us.  I want Suzy to be open to finding love again.  I want Suzy to be happy.  I know Nick would want the same thing.  But as Nick's mom... as the mom who lost her son...I have a foot on each side of the emotional spectrum.   I want her to be happy, but part of me says that her moving on means leaving Nick behind.  And that is only happening because he is dead.   I want her to be happy.  I want her to be able to talk to us if/when she decides to date again, but I also understand how awkward that would be for her (and the guy).

I don't even know how to express how this affects me emotionally.  It is hard and painful.  I am torn. And I can only imagine what Suzy would feel when she decides it's time.  I love her so much.

I think when it all comes down to it, I am afraid that Nick will be lost.  That in Suzy moving on, I lose Nick even more.  That one day she will decide to let go of things that belonged to Nick, and they will just be gone and with it, Nick goes away further.

I remember when my friend Barbara died from brain cancer.  She had a husband and 2 kids.  It didn't even take a year and he was married again.  That happens alot for men who have children.  I get it.  I know everyone grieves and processes at their own speed.  And I in no way judge people for their choices.  I think that as we get closer to closing on Nick's probate and his graduation, we get closer to really being "done" with the "business" of Nick's death.  And as we get closer, this very real possibility of Suzy moving on is hitting me harder.

My fear started to consume me. The fear of losing Suzy on top of losing Nick was horrible.  The fear of losing Nick even further was debilitating.  And last night for the first time since Nick was killed, I heard myself say "I don't want to live this life without Nick in it."   I am NOT suicidal.  I am NOT considering leaving this world.  I realize I have so much to live for.  I realize I have an amazing family here that still needs me.  I would NEVER leave them.  I LOVE MY ENTIRE FAMILY.  I am not about to take my life.  But for the first time since November 10th, the reality of living this life without Nick just hit me hard and I if I had a choice (which I don't) I would not want to live this life without Nick in it.    That reality was crippling.

I was able to talk to Suzy about all of this today.  We held each other and cried.  I love her so much and I want all the happiness for her.  I am so glad we can talk about this together.  I am grateful for her love.  The last thing I want to do is be the person who holds her back.  I want her to be open to love and companionship.  I also want her to feel comfortable enough to talk to us about this.  I want her to feel comfortable enough to introduce a guy when the time is right.  I know all of that is awkward and I know all of it is painful.  But it is reality.  It hurts to think about her with someone other than Nick...but only because that cements the reality of what we already know.. that he is gone and not coming back.  But that isn't Suzy hurting me; its just another step in this process of moving on.  Gah!  This stuff is so complicated...and yet so simple.

March 16, 2015 Angry Momma Bear.....

and the kid isn't even mine!

I was minding my own business driving home from dropping Tracy off at work after lunch.  I was driving North on Main in Meridian and coming up to the Fairview/Cherry traffic signal.  To my left, I saw a set of moms each pushing a stroller and a young boy on a scooter.  They were walking towards the traffic signal.  I didn't give them much thought.  I reached the light, and I had a red light.  I stopped and creeped up further to see around a big pick up truck was that parked and blocking my view of the on coming traffic from the west bound side.  I was going to turn right.  I was playing close attention to the pedestrians.  Not only were there the ladies I spotted earlier (who were not in my way) but also a young woman on my right who was looking to cross the street where I wanted to turn.  So I was paying close attention to the light and looking for a break in traffic so I could turn right on red.

That is when Momma Bear jumped into action.  I was looking to my left (where the 2 moms and the boy were).  And I noticed that the little boy on his scooter was IN THE ROAD on Cherry.  He wasn't on the sidewalk.  He was IN THE ROAD.. a road that had a green light with traffic coming in his direction.  He was right beside the curb, but he was IN THE ROAD!  The two moms and the strollers were safely on the sidewalk.  There were no traffic lights protecting this boy.    He had no right of way.  He was a freaking sitting duck! One mom was on her cell phone and I have no idea what the other mom was doing, but neither of them were watching this little boy.  He got back up on the curb and I blew a sigh of relief.  Then I continued watching the traffic and saw him ride his scooter off of the curb again. He was just playing and being silly and these adult women were doing NOTHING!!!!

Thankfully, there were no cars coming in this boys direction.  Thankfully, he was "only" getting off the curb into what would be a turning lane that was not very busy.  Most importantly, thankfully, he survived this trip (from what I could see).  A 5 year old boy a bike on this very road was hit by a car last summer.  This is a very busy and dangerous road, and these two women were not watching this little boy!

As I turned on my red light and headed home, I felt rage fill my heart.  How could 2 women.. 2 MOMS completely ignore what this little boy was doing on one of the most dangerous roads in the treasure valley?  How could they take this little boys life for granted??????  Don't they know that mom's lose their sons?  Don't they know there are no guarantees in life.. even when you are acting your safest, there is no guarantee other people are and accidents wont happen?  These women were negligent!  I wanted so desperately to turn my car back around and give these 2 women a lecture they would not soon forget.  But it's probably a good thing I didn't.  I am pretty certain given the cycle of the month, I would have found myself in jail for assaulting two very careless moms.   Maybe the lawyer could have claimed a crime of passion?  Or maybe temporary insanity due to my grief?

I don't know.

This is what I DO know.  Moms, please pay attention to what your young children are doing.  I know its easy to get distracted by the phone. I know its easy to get distracted when you have more than one child to divide your attention.  I also know how easy it is to think, "not my child" but I am here to tell you... IT CAN BE YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!  You don't have to be a helicopter parent. You don't have to wrap them in bubble wrap, but when you are on a busy road that is known to be dangerous, please be extra vigilant!

My heart is breaking...because it was my very conscientious adult child and the thought that someone can take their child's life for granted......*sigh*

March 15, 2015 Recovery Day

The day after a half marathon is always a little slow and easy.  Unfortunately, the cat did not get the memo.  It is partially my fault; in all of the epic-ness that happened yesterday, I forgot to buy him cat food and we were out.  I tried to trick him with dog food last night.  That didn't go over so well.  So he started crying early this morning and finally at 9:30, he was really making a racket!  So I closed him up in the laundry room and went back to bed.  Tracy was finally getting some sleep and I didn't want him to be disturbed.  That didn't work. As soon as I woke up and rolled out of bed, he woke up too.  *sigh*  We did get in some quality snuggle time which we needed after his long trip last week.

Unfortunately, his back is out so laying in bed too long wasn't an option.  We finally rolled out of bed around 10:30 and went to the usual Bagel joint for breakfast.  Then it was off to buy a new toilet for the girl's bathroom upstairs.  I have heard nightmares about replacing toilets so I was a bit worried.  To my surprise it wasn't too expensive to purchase a new one.  I mean a toilet is a toilet, right?  I could be wrong.  *laugh*  Anyway, we got that taken care of and ran to the pet store for the much needed cat food and fish food (Fish are much quieter about not having food..just sayin'.)

Tracy and Nate got the toilet replaced in very quick time.  I am totally impressed and I am very grateful for Tracy's handiness!  I am also very happy that Nate got in there and helped him.  It's good quality time for them.

It really has been a low key kind of day.  Not much really going on around here; which is good.

We did end up meeting our friends at the movie theater to see Cinderella.  Tracy was not impressed, but he only went to spend time with me and Omi.  I managed to eat entirely too much popcorn.  I actually feel sick to my stomach.  *laugh*  The movie was very good actually.  I know the original story is kind of grotesque and rather grim in places.  And this movie version didn't miss that entirely.  Actually, they got the sad parts so right that I was pretty worried about Omi Girl.  She powered through it, though.  As I watched the movie, I was remembering what Tracy said about seeing all these little girls dressed up like princesses this weekend and he didn't know why.  And I remembered when Omi used to dress like that.  I remember when she was so sweet and innocent and thought the world was this magical beautiful happy place.  Now, she doesn't think that so much.  It kind of makes me sad.  It's not that I want her delusional, but the anxiety and PTSD have really taken its toll on her I think.  Though every once in a while, I see glimpses of that bubbly girl she used to be.  And today in the movie, I saw it again.  She leaned over and said, "I want a dress like that!"  Omi, who hates dresses.  Omi, who would rather run around in sweats and flannels was telling me that she wants a big flowy poofie princess ball gown!!!!  I about fell off my chair!!!

Last night I had more dreams about Nick and I was sad when I woke up this morning.  I can't remember what my dream was about specifically, but I do remember being sad.  I woke up telling Tracy that I wish my time of the month would hurry and come and go away because then my dreams would stop.  I always dream vividly during PMS and since Nick died, they have always been about him....*sigh*

Even with the sad dreams, I feel hopeful.  There is a part of me that is sad and really wishes my life could go back to pre-november.  But there is the other part of me that says this is my new reality and things are hopeful.  Mostly there is this thing inside of me that keeps telling me that tomorrow is a new day and with each sunset comes a promise of a returning sunrise.

Here's to a beautiful sunrise!

March 14, 2015 Epic Pi Day and The Toughest Half Marathon Yet!!!!!

So I am writing this blog on the 15th because yesterday was filled with entirely too much "epic" and I was exhausted by the time I finally got home or good at 10pm.

Typical of any night before race day, I only got 5 hours of sleep, but gratefully, it was a dreamless sleep.  After being miserably sick all week, the ONLY reason I was still doing this Shamrock Shuffle was because Omi Girl was so excited for it.  Earlier in the week, she had a really bad panic attack and she didn't really care.  But once she got over that hump, she became very excited for the race and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with it.  During the week, she kept checking on me and I could tell she was excited for the race.  I had decided I was going to do the race whether I had a fever or not.  Thankfully, I went to the doctor  (again) on Friday and got some major drugs (a 2nd stronger antibiotic to be taken along side what I was already taking, steroids, and an inhaler) and a blessing to do the race from my doctor.  (I think he knows me well enough to know that no matter what he said, I was going to do it anyway.)  LOL  So with 5 hours sleep, I rolled out of bed and got ready for the race.

Naomi was up and ready in a flash and was wide awake and raring to go!  I had checked the last minute email from the race directors telling us that it was going to be hotter than heck and to be prepared.  At the last half marathon in February, they had 2 people go to the hospital for dehydration.  I gave this info to Omi and that scared and impressed her.  I think that was the first time she realized that this isn't a distance for wimps and I was very serious about how tough these races can be and how proud she should be of her accomplishments.  Anyway, we made sure we had salt tabs and electrolyte replacements with us and we headed out.  It was over cast and breezy.  I had serious doubts of the temps getting too high.

Naomi brought her jacket, just in case.  As it turned out, that is a brilliant call on her part.  When we got to St. Chappelle Winery, it was blustery and cold.  There was an excitement in the air.  Everyone was wearing their finest St. Patties Day festive wear and there were several men in kilts.  The bag pipers came out to entertain and start the race.  At exactly 9:26 we snapped a picture to celebrate the Epic Pie Day 3.141592652.  This particular day was a day Nick had been looking forward to.  He would have celebrated the heck out of yesterday, so as a family it was a pretty special day for all of us.  Omi and I dedicated this race to her brother.

Finally the race started.  We had decided we were walking the entire thing and taking it easy on ourselves.  I mean, I was after all less than 24 hours from my last fever!

Naomi does NOT do hills.  She doesn't even like to hike.  We don't train on hills.  And this course was HILLY.  As a matter of fact, before we even got in our first mile, we had to climb a huge long hill.  Naomi's heart rate got very high very fast and that sent her into full blown panic attack.  I held her hand and kind of pulled her up the hill and told her to keep breathing and reassuring her that she was safe and I was right there by her side.  I pointed out the beauty that was around us. I tried my best to refocus her mind and off of the hills that were climbing ahead of us.

I pointed out horses (her favorites).  I tried everything.  By mile 2, we were still climbing hills.  She was almost in tears.  Her rib was out.  She was in pain.  Then she tells me something no parent wants to hear....."I think there is something wrong with my  heart.  It keeps skipping beats and feels like something is stabbing it."

She continues to tell me that she thinks all of these panic attacks are damaging her heart.  It's been like this for over a month now.  She was afraid to tell me.  So here we are 2 miles into a half marathon.  In my heart of hearts,  I know her heart is okay.  But I also know how her anxiety works.  I also know that after the 5K distance most of our hills will be over with and we will have some flat lands to relax in.  I also knew that I could offer her a turn around and DNF (Did Not Finish) and just call it a day.  Between hills, cold, wind and rain it was a miserable run.  I simply held her hand, looked at her and asked her, "We can't get your heart checked right now.  But I promise you, you heart is okay.  Anxiety will not hurt your heart, but I will make an appointment with the doctor next week.  But today, what do you want to do?"  To my shock, her reply was, "I just want to get through this race."  In that moment, Naomi showed more strength than most adults.  I promised to help her do just that, held her hand and we kept walking.

In the title of this post I said this was the toughest half marathon yet, and I'm not taking about Naomi's very short 1 race experience.  I am talking about my cumulative experiences.  I have finished  5 half marathons, 5 marathons, 1 50K, several 5 Ks and 1 10k (and one of those half marathons was Robie Creek when it was 92 degrees outside).  I have raced in the mountains.  I have raced in cold rain.  I have raced in extreme heat.  I have raced in gale force winds with rain coming at me in sheets.  But I am serious when I say yesterday's race was the toughest half marathon.  And here is why....  1) Omi's panic attack 2) The steep hills  3) Cold winds  4) Cold rain 5) (This is the biggest) Not knowing the course.

These endurance races are mostly mental.  I have told Omi that over and over and over again.  One of the best ways to help with the mental game is to know your course.  The course was changed for this race like a week before the race. I was very unclear about where this race was taking us.  I thought it was an out and back.  But when our friends showed up at the race telling us that they were working the aid station at mile 7 something, Omi and I became very confused.   Not only were they at mile 7 something but they were at the turn around point.  A half marathon is only 13.1 miles.  If this race was an out and back and we turned around at 7 something miles that was over 13.1 miles.

Not only had we climbed up some steep hills between the start of the race and mile 7 something, but we had also gone DOWN some pretty big hills.  Naomi had been doing the math and had started to panic.  She was cold.  She was wet.  She was hurting and started feeling the beginnings of a blister on the ball of her foot.  She was freaking out. She didn't know where the course was taking us and she didn't want to go back up those hills.  She didn't want to do more than 13.1 miles.  I thought she was going to cry.   THIS is the reason this was the toughest race!!!  It's all a mental game, and we were not prepared for this one.

I know it sounded like a horrible day.  But there were some really great parts.  After the 5K distance, we hit the flats.  The 10K racers had started catching up to us.  I had friends in that distance.  One of them caught up to us and gave us high fives... that is always fun.  Omi had perked up and was talkative and singing and being silly again.  We held hands about 98% of the time during this race.  If I let go, she would grab my hand again.  At about mile 6 or so, the half marathoners on their way back had started to pass us and that is always fun.  I love cheering them on.  The mutual "Great job!  Keep it up!" is always fun.  And I get to see my friends that are ahead of me.  We saw several of them and got high fives and run-by hugs.  One woman stopped and asked if she could take our picture.  She said we were too cute.  She took a video to get our names first, then she took a selfie with us.  I have no idea who she was.  Naomi and I just laughed and enjoyed the encouragement.  We finally reached our turn around point and got hugs and "i love yous" from our friends at the aid station and we headed back to finish the race.  At this point, Omi and I thought we were last.  I have always been a back of the packer, but I have NEVER been dead last in a race.  I was totally okay being last in this race.  But on our way back, we came across someone who was behind us.  Guess we weren't last.  Then after that lady, we waved to the sweeper as he ran passe us to catch up with the last racer.  These race directors do not take you off the course; they welcome walkers.  But they will send a sweeper to escort you at your pace and keep you encouraged until you cross the finish line.

The last half of the race was the hardest.  Omi's foot was really hurting her.  I was in a great deal of intestinal discomfort and finally decided to make a pit-stop at mile 11.  Glad I did cause it was the last place to stop and there is no way I could have made the last hill climb other wise.  Finally at mile 11, we found the answer to the question "How do we get back to the finish line without going over 13.1 miles?"  Omi had some sense of relief, but still didn't know where/which way the winery was and she did't know what to expect.  When she saw the hill in front of us she exclaimed, "Who the hell puts a steep hill at the end of a race??!!!!!"  Poor kid.  I held her hand as much as I could, but since this was  2 lane road with no shoulder and the hill was steep, the cars couldn't see us.  I made her stay behind me as we climbed that hill.  As we climbed, people who had finished the race drove by in their cars and honked the horns and gave us thumbs up.  My friends stopped to cheer us on.  We may have been alone on that course, but we weren't alone.  And I'm so grateful for that stretch in the race, even if it sucked!

I got my bearings and figured out where we were on the course.  I told Omi we had no more hills and we were almost finished.  We continued holding hands and we made our last turn to head down the hill that was at the start of the race.  Someone else pulled over and cheered for us and yelled "I love you" out the window.  I have no idea who it was, but it made us smile.  I felt very sad when I saw the beer truck leave.  I guess I missed my chance for beer at the finish line.  Omi exclaimed, "There had better be green Hawaiian punch left for me!"  And we kept walking.  We turned the corner into the entrance of the winery, then we turned the corner to see the finish line stretch.  People were walking down and eheering us on.  Hand in hand, we walked and smiled and agreed we would not sprint the finish line.  We were just too done.  I kept telling Omi how proud I was of her.  This race sucked bad, and she could have asked at any time to stop, but she didn't.  She fought through it.

Finally we saw the finish line.  Our friends (Megan and Brandon) from the 7 mile aid station were there waiting for us.  If you have never been a serious back of the packer, there is no way to describe what it is like to arrive at a finish line where people are tearing down the race and no one is there to cheer you on as you cross the line.  But there were Megan and Brandon, 2 photographers, and the time keepers.  Brandon and Megan were cheering us on and being silly and making me laugh hysterically.  Omi and I crossed the finish line hand in hand, just the same way we walked 98% of that race.  We collected our medals, took pictures, and headed to hot soup, corn muffins and found our mugs and Omi's Green Hawaiian Punch!  Brandon made Omi's first cup of soup and we visited for a bit and cheered on the last person to cross the finish line and give her high 5's.  Then Omi had her 2nd cup of soup and we made the long drive home in wet cold clothes.

I could not be any prouder of that girl!  She continues to shock and amaze me.  I hope that she amazes herself and sees the immense strength she shows during times like today!

After the half marathon, I had another race of sorts.  I had to get home, shower and change and run to the tattoo shop where Tracy and Nate were getting their memorial tattoos for Nick.  Donna did an amazing job on their Pi tattoos (the same tattoo that Nick designed and wore on his right arm).

To finish the Epic Day off, Tracy, Nate and I met our friend Kris for Pie! Yummy!!!

March 13, 2015 Drugs, Drugs and More Drugs

You get what you ask for... in my case its more drugs!

Another night of dreams. They can stop any night now.    This one was bitter sweet.   It started with me and Tracy back in Belize at the Coco Plum Resort.... my favorite place on Earth.   This is the resort that Tracy and I went to for our 25th anniversary.  While we were there, we met some amazing people that we call our Island Family.  I am still friends with some  of these people on Facebook.  The staff there are like family to each other and the guests.  We had so much fun on the catamaran sail boat and kayaking and paddle boarding and drinking and dancing.  It really was the best couples vacation anywhere.

There are no kids allowed on the island.  However, you can rent out the entire island and bring whomever you would like.  Families have big reunions there.

Last night I had this dream that Tracy and I were back on the island.  We were there with our friends Brandon and Megan.  They day that Brandon and Megan went on the usual favorite tours, Tracy and I decided to spend the extra money for an all day deep sea fishing trip.  Afterwards we all met back on the island with drinking and dancing and laughing.  Then all of a sudden, there was a 3rd couple with us.  I smiled and looked over, it was Nick and Suzy.  We were all laughing and having a great time together and Tracy and I were talking about how much we missed our other kids and wished they could be there.  Then I realized Omi couldn't come because she is a minor.  I got sad that I couldn't share this kind of vacation with her.  Then all of a sudden I looked at Nick's smiling face and in my dream it hit me.  This isn't Nick.  I was having a great time with him and Suzy, but this isn't real.  It's only a dream.  I woke up crying.  No more fun family vacations with Nick.  No more beach vacations with all of my kids.  No more family snorkeling trips.

My family had the best family vacations.  We hit the beach to surf.  We went on snorkeling trips.  When the tiki bar that was supposed to be at the hotel had been burned down, we brought our own drinks and fun to the pool.  We sat in hotel breakfast areas and ordered pizza and played games like dominoes or pick up sticks.  We rode insane roller coasters.  We fed squirrels; Nick's favorite were the black squirrels in Seattle.  Nick and Nate used to practice free-running in downtown Seattle before it was cool.  We toured San Fran's ghost scene.  We canoed and had massive splash fights.  We hiked.  We swung on rope swings into lakes.  We took over whole hotel pool areas with more of the Spiva clan for a family BBQ and pool side antics.  We took long road trips and sang silly songs.  We camped and fished.    We always had a great time together. There will be more family vacations, but without Nick.  Gosh I miss his smile and his laughter.    I miss seeing him with Suzy and how much he loved her.

*sigh*

So I went to the doctor today.  Getting into my family doctor is next to impossible when you are actually sick.  He is usually very busy birthing babies or seeing the moms or babies after they are born.  He is a general family doctor who does alot of birthing.  But he is more than that.  He is the only doctor I have ever met who will remember every person in the family. He will notice if your hair is purple today or if you all of a sudden have long purple nails (when you didn't have either of those a month ago when he saw you last when you took your daughter in).  He will notice your glasses and compliment ALL of these things.  He knows why you are in his office.  But he will also inquire about your mental and emotional state; and he will remember the date that your son (his previous patient) died.. even if that death happened in another state.. even if he only heard you say it once.  He will remember, and he will ask you how you are doing.  Then he will ask you how the rest of your family is doing.  And he will ask you about Nick's wife (whom he has never met) to make sure she is doing okay.  Because that is the kind of doctor/man he is.  THAT is the reason he is impossible to get into!  So today, since I was awake and up and running at 8:30, I called to see if he had any free appointments.  I was in luck.. even if it is Friday the 13th.

I explained my cold/ear infection/possible sinus infection situation.  I told him I went to the Doc in the Box on Tuesday.  He pulled up the notes in the computer, and sure enough, the notes from my Primary Health Care visit were on the computer in this exam room that is not affiliated with my the Doc in the Box.  Creepy, but efficient.  Anyway, while he was checking me out he asked about my plans for this weekend.  I told him about the half marathon tomorrow.  He stopped and looked at me.  I thought for a certain he was gonna say.. "Ya, that's not gonna happen."  Instead he looked at me and said, "Have you even been able to train while you are sick?"  I explained the situation and he was like, well, we will get you hooked up and ready to tackle that race! Have I mentioned how much I love my doctor?  I left there with steroids, (Yup, I'll be juicing for the race tomorrow..don't hate me cause I'm juiced...hopefully Omi can keep up with me), another anti-biotic to go along with the first set (better start drinking yogurt like its a life saving force) and an inhaler to help with the massive coughing fits that will be coming after I am done (that happened at last month's race..I coughed for a week and I wasn't even sick then).  So ya.. I'm all kinds of drugged up right now!  As of today, this infection has been served an eviction notice!!!

After I picked up Omi from school, we went to Pulse to pick up some electolyte replacement powder and some SCaps.  While we were there, we found a 13.1 necklace and I had to buy it for Omi.  She loves it, and it will be a great reminder of how strong she is.

We went from one running store to the other one to pick up our race packets which was quick and painless and Omi was excited to find the FinalKick logo sticker to put on her new (to her laptop).  She said she is going to decorate her laptop in 1/2 marathon stickers.  I tell you introducing her to half marathons is one of the best things I have done for her!

After packet pick up, we took her to her first aerial silk class.  I thought it would be good for her to build her upper body as well as find out she is stronger than she thinks she is.  Every once in a while I would peak out from the dressing/waiting room and take a picture or just watch her.  She was smiling from ear to ear.  She was climbing like a natural.  I saw her find her strength!  It was so amazing!  And when she came to get me, she was all smiles and carrying herself with such poise and confidence.  She told me she felt like a badass.  She started the class feeling self-conscious of her body and the scars on her legs, but she completely forgot about that.  She was wearing her spanky shorts and looked in the mirror and instead of seeing her scars, she saw strong beautiful legs.  Yay!!!  All she felt and saw in herself was strength she didn't know she had.  The other ladies kept telling her how natural she was at it.  She was smiling from ear to ear and can't wait to go back!  She has big designs on taking this for years and then performing with Red Light Variety Show.

Then it was off to pick up Tracy.  Yay!!!  He is home!  Now it's time to cuddle up with him.

March 12, 2015 Chronicles From a Sick Bed....

LOL.  That is what I feel like this blog is turning into.

Gratefully, Nate got up with Omi today and took her to school so that I could sleep in and rest.  I rolled out of bed at 10:30 still feeling feverish and icky.  I sounded better, but I still felt miserable.  I made something to eat and by the time I ate my lunch and watched a bit of TV I was ready for a nap.

I managed to roll out of bed to get Omi to her therapy today and I sat under an open sun roof and enjoyed the warm sun.  But that little outing about took it all out of me, and I still had plans for join my friend and her family for her birthday sushi.  I rested for a bit then got up to get dressed and ready.  Ran to the store to find the perfect gift for her and went met the family for dinner.

I love Sushi and I never get it, so it was exciting.  Mishi and I shared 2 different rolls and boy was it delicious.  I love her family and it is always so much fun to hang with them.  Mishi was one of our very first friends when we moved to Idaho.  I remember my first birthday in Idaho and the gift she gave me way back when.  It still makes me smile.  Over the years she has come and gone out of my life, but I am so happy she is back and we are so close.  As sick as I am, there was really no way I was going to miss celebrating this birthday with her.

So last night I had THE WORST dream ever!  It was a dream about losing Nick, but so much more than that.  I actually had a couple of stressful bad dreams about Nick last night.  The first one I was dreaming about a scavenger hunt of sorts in my back yard.  We were looking for horcruxes (is that how you spell it from Harry Potter?) .  They were buried deep in the over growth of my back yard.  The back yard was swamped in.  It was gross and it was rainy.  There were huge thunderstorms.  Then we saw an explosion in the clouds and a plan fall from the sky. It had been hit by a lightening bolt.  It was pretty far away, but you could tell what it was.  Then it happened again.  Then it happened a 3rd time but this time it was in front of my house and the plane was falling towards my house and I saw it take out the corner of my house where Naomi had been sleeping in her room.  My house went into flames. I tried to run into the house to get her, but that part of the house was gone.  I was lost and scared and out of breath and all I could think was, "I can't lose another child!  How am I going to explain this to Tracy" (who was out of town in my dreams and who IS out of town in real life right now.)  I woke up sitting straight up and gasping for air.  I almost crawled into Naomi's bed last night.   When I finally got it out of my mind and could go back to sleep I kept dreaming about work.  I was working for some grocery store company.  And for whatever reason I had gotten fired or I quit but I kept thinking I was working there.  There was all of this drama going around.  But I kept telling them that I needed time off to go to Nick's graduation in London.  London???  I kept dreaming that there was a problem with passports cause Nate didnt' have one and wasnt' sure how he was going to fly.  (When Nick died, Nate had lost his drivers license and we weren't sure how they were going to let him on the plane.)  Then I couldn't figure out why we were going to London for his graduation, when his graduation was in Florida and I was panicking cause we bought the wrong tickets and we were going to miss his graduation.  I woke up all kinds of stressed!

I was about to say... "I guess I went long enough without Nick dreams, it was time to have them again."  When I just realized that its PMS time and I am a HUGE dreamer at PMS time.  So these dreams make sense.  I just wish I had happier dreams and didnt' dream about things that make me sad.

Tonight while I was at the store buying Mishi's birthday gift, I walked past the Easter stuff.  My family is not huge on the Easter holiday.  We do eggs and stuff, but it really isn't a huge deal in general. It is not a huge family day for us.  So I guess I didn't think not having Nick around would be a big deal.  Heck I don't even know when Easter is (other than some time in March this year).  But as I passed by the stuff, I thought about Nick.  And I remembered the time right before my first back surgery.  I could only lay flat.  I was so freakin' miserable and in so much pain.  I wanted so desperately to be part of Easter with the kids.  So I went out into the living room and sat in the recliner and Tracy hid the eggs on me so that I would be included in the Easter fun.  *laugh*  At tat point, Nick was hiding the eggs and not hunting.    I think the next year is when our bonus child, Cody, came to visit and we all went to Shoshone Falls to go hiking.  I made Cody, Susan, Nick, Nate, Naomi all Easter baskets with homemade necklaces and they all got t-shirts.  It was a fun day of laughing with all of the kids.  I think that might have been Nick's last Easter home (I'm not entirely certain).    I miss my son.