I think people see me in a certain way, and that way is so different than the way that I see myself.
With Nick dieing, I have witnessed friendships respond differently than I thought they would. Either in being more supportive or in kinda of being absent. People surprise me. I am not taking it very personally. What I have learned is that I had a son die and so may people just do not know how to relate to me. They are afraid to talk to me. They are afraid of upsetting me. Or they are just clueless and awkward...my grief is a reflection of their own fear. I get that. I also get that it isn't my issue. It's theirs. I have enough on my plate without having to worry about why certain people stop talking to me or stop reaching out. I also realize that people may reach out once and I am not in a place to see them and they finally just stop asking.
So, to my friends who may have asked me to coffee and I have said, "yes, but later" Or I have not actually made real plans. Please keep trying with me. Please don't leave me behind. I may not be the best in making plans right now, but keep asking me. You will catch me at a good time one of these times and I would be glad to go out. But keep in mind, when you ask me, please have a specific date or two for me to choose from. Saying, "Let's make a plan" and leaving it to me, just isn't going to work right now. I am not great at making plans. It can over whelm me. But if you call me with a couple of options, I can check my calendar and will be able to say yes or no.
There are a couple of other things that people have said to me or about me that I just kinda have a hard time with. Mostly, I just don't see the same thing in me that people see. People tell me that I am this confident beautiful sexy woman. They tell me that they admire me for being comfortable in my own skin and doing belly dance and burlesque. You know back before my back injury, I would have agreed with them completely. Now, with the weight gain from lack of exercise and emotional eating, I do not feel so confident in my own skin. Yes, I still stance, but I do it BECAUSE I don't feel confident. It is a tool for me TO feel confident. Those kinds of dances and costuming help me to feel more confident and sexy. But I will tell you right now that I am struggling HARD with my own self image.
I'm sure it is easy for people on the outside to say.. "Well just eat better and get back to exercising." See the thing is, back in 2011 it WAS easy for me to stop eating bad-for-me-foods and to get to running and losing weight. But ever since I had to give up on running, it has been difficult. I KNOW what I need to do to lose weight and get healthy, but for whatever reason, it is increasingly more difficult to DO what I know I need to do. And its a horrible cycle. I also know that I am guilty of stuffing my emotions with food right now. *shrug* It's the truth.
The other thing people say to me or about me often is that I am so strong and courageous. I'm not. Nick died. What are my options? Crumble to pieces or keep moving forward and work through this pain as best I can. It's not like life can just stop. I have a family. I have responsibilities. I need to stay functioning. I am doing what I need to do. I cry when I need to cry. I get angry when I need to get angry. I stuff my face with bad-for-me-food to feel better alot of times. I walk and train for a 1/2 marathon to try and get my life back to some kind of normal. I dance to bring joy into my life. I laugh when I can laugh. I live my life...because the alternative is just too bleak and rather impossible.
Last night, I cried myself to sleep thinking about all of this. I cried myself to sleep thinking about how painful yesterday was. Every decision that was made yesterday felt like it was peeling off scabs from my healing and by the time I got to bed last night, I felt as though everything was fresh and I was hemorrhaging! I cried myself to sleep last night.
This morning, I was will hung over from the emotional pain, but with Tracy's help, I was able to find my way out of he fog. Today I spent most of my day hanging with Omi. We went to the mall and then cuddled up on the couch to watch "Jane the Virgin". Then we found out that her boyfriend was rushed to the hospital. She has been crying for a good part of the night. He just got home and called her. I guess he has some kind of heart condition and has been released and told to check with his regular doctor. *sigh*
Seriously, Universe, can you just give us a break?
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