*sigh*
So I am going to blog at 1pm in the afternoon. Mostly because not much is happening today. Yes, there is the possibility that this evening will be much better, but there is also the possibility that I might go out and not come home till late (if I go out to Fat Tuesday). So.. I'm blogging today. Also, my dreams from last night are what I am going to blog about....
Last night, I cried myself to sleep. It wasn't just a little cry. It was an full on sob fest in my bed last night. For that matter, I cried while making dinner. I did a hell of alot of crying yesterday afternoon/evening. I don't think I have cried that much since this whole thing started. Yes, I have cried and I have sobbed, but only in short spurts. Nothing like yesterday. I guess my body just needed it. I don't know.
When I finally fell asleep, I had night mares all night. I was an emotional mess and roller coaster in my dreams.
I had this dream where I was walking along Victory Road (from our old house) towards the Junior High and Alternative High School and the Tech School. There are LOTS of kids in that area during the school day. And there are ALWAYS kids out on Victory Road smoking. The kids in my dreams were (what you might call) "hoodlums". They were just entitled, smart-assed, and had huge chips on their shoulders. They had no respect for adults. In my head, I felt like they were wasting their young lives. I looked at them, smoking and "hanging out" and just wasting away with no ambition. And I got so angry at them. 1) They were smoking (in an effect killing themselves) and they were so young! 2) They were doing NOTHING to become anything in their lives and were wasting such potential.
In my dream, Nick had been killed at the top of a hill at the intersection where there is a light that goes into all of the schools. I would ask each one of them... "Do you know what happened up at that light? My son was killed!" And they would just not care. I would yell at them and tell them how much Nick had going for him, and it was taken from him, from this world and he still had so much to give. How dare they take this life for granted. How dare they smoke themselves to death! How dare they waste their potential and feel like they are entitled to everything for nothing. Get off your asses and work! Become something!!!! I got so mad at them. I would hit them upside the head and yell at them trying to get them to see that life is too short.. its not guaranteed...DO SOMETHING!!! I was so angry at them. I was so angry at Nick being gone. And no one cared.
Then later I had another dream....
I was all of a sudden the person in a rowing crew boat that barked the orders to row or whatever it is that person does. I had no idea what I was doing. In my dream it seemed like this was the job that Nick had before he died and for whatever reason his crew buddies wanted to put me in Nick's place and show me what he did. It was their way of honoring me. I remember laughing with the wind in my hair and the young men being so sweet. They would splash me with water with their oars and we were having a great time. The water was freezing/icy for some reason. Then they all tipped the boat for us to go swimming (much to my chagrin). But they promised me it would be fun. And it was. We were laughing and having a great time. I followed them as we swam in this straight canal of water. It was almost like a bobsled tube or the tube of a log ride at Six Flags. It was bizarre. Then all of a sudden we came to the boat house and there was a sheet of ice..more like an ice glacier between the bottom of the boat house and the water. You could swim under it, but it was dangerous, and fast. The current took you under and it was a bit dark and you couldn't see where the end was and there was no place to come up for air until you got on the other side. The young men all of a sudden told me, "You just have to go for it. You just have to swim under the water and swim swiftly and carefully and you will be on the other side." "C'mon. Nick did it all the time", they told me. And one by one they went under. And finally this young man who reminded me so much of Nick (at this time wasn't sure if it was Nick's friend or if it was Nick) ducked under and disappeared. I yelled for him to come back. I yelled for help. I was lost and alone in a dangerous place. The only way out was to follow these boys. But I was too scared. I was scared of drowning. I was scared of dieing. I was scared to stay where I was.. alone, cold, and stuck.
Then I woke up. Tracy wasn't in bed with me. He was gone. I knew he had gotten up to take Omi to school in and effort to let me sleep in. But I though he had come back to bed after taking Omi. I thought I would be taking him to work. But he wasn't there. I grabbed my phone to check the time. 8:41. Where was he? I started crying. I was alone and scared. Had he left me, too? Where was he? I texted him. He was at work. He wanted to let me sleep. He felt like I needed it and he promised he hadn't left me. I cried more. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and never come out. I didn't want to face the day. I just didn't know how.
What was with my dreams? What was with repeating over and over again that Nick was dead? What was the fear of following those young men? When is a dream just a dream and when does it mean something? What time of the month is it? Am I PMSing..is that why I am having dreams and crying uncontrollably again?
A friend sent me a message encouraging me to go to Burlycon because Nick would have wanted it that way. I cried some more. I don't know what is right. Tracy may not spend money on shoes for himself, but when it comes to dancing I have a hard time spending extra money on classes and stuff because I feel like it is extra money spent..especially when Tracy isn't spending money on his shoes. But at the same time, I feel like the money spent on dancing is what gets me through this. Dancing and performing IS my therapy. *sigh* If I did manage to get a scholarship.....it wouldnt' cost my family much, but it still cost something. But its 2 days after the anniversary. Would Nick be happy that I went... probably. Would I have a good time, probably. But part of me says I would be leaving my family at a time they need me. Even Tracy said yesterday, "Is it always at that same time of the year?" In other words.... "That time of year will always be hard......" (In my head I heard, "You will never be able to go because it will always be hard and we will always need you.") I don't know if that is what he meant, but that is what I heard.
So ya.....I don't know. So today I have spent the day under a blanket on the couch watching episodes of Hotel Hell with Gordon Ramsey. I went to lunch with Tracy. I know I should be doing laundry or practicing Choreo. But I just want to hang out under a blanket fort and pretend the world doesn't exist today....and I feel selfish for that.
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