So Tracy and I scheduled a day/night away to just be together. Some good old fashioned quality time. We needed time to just be us after everything that has happened. We were doing really good at that. Then this morning, after waking up, we were checking in with each other about how we slept. He had a restless night with bad dreams. I had bad dreams. Once again, I found myself having dreams where I am repeating myself over and over again telling people that Nick is dead and no one is listening to me. I wasn't yelling this time, but this is a recurring theme. I think its my unconscious is trying to get it sunk into my head. I had another dream last night where I found myself telling people that Nick is dead only this time some kind of snake was chasing me and attacking me trying to bite me. I don't know why. Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling all kinds of out of sorts. So did Tracy. We cuddled and cajoled each other. But in the end, we really just needed to get up and get the day started.
We had breakfast and then headed over to the gun range. This is WAY out of my comfort zone. I have shot guns before. It's not new to me. But I have never gone into a gun store or an indoor range. Tracy and I have talked about going shooting for a very long time. I like shooting guns. Really I do. I'm not a horrible shot. But the minute I walked into the shop, my PTSD started to act up. I was scared out of my wits. I didn't want to leave Tracy's side. This shop rents the guns to shoot. As the woman behind the counter explained the gun, showed us how to load it and work it, my head was spinning. I was glad that Tracy has experience with guns and that he could walk me through this. But then the woman asked me to show her that I understood. I guess I understood enough to get through exercise. But I was still scared to death to touch this gun. (All other guns I have shot have been hunting rifles, muskets, and some crazy kinds of guns that a friend of our from AZ had. I have never shot a hand gun......the kind of gun that is attached to my memories from childhood.)
Okay, to be fair, the memories I have about guns are not really attached to childhood. I can't remember the first time I was told of the threats my father used to make to my mom. I hesitate to share this publicly. Not everyone in my family knows about these threats. And I don't want my nieces and nephews to hear and know these things. I will not go into details about the threats. But they threats were real. And unfortunately these threats were written in letters and shown to me more than just once. These threats were "empty" because he did not own a gun (that I know of) but that doesn't mean he could not have gotten one. And it doesn't make the threats any less scary and traumatic.
So today, I walk into the gun shop and hear guns shooting. I'm surrounded by people whom I do not know. Most of them are carrying at least one gun.. several with multiple guns. I realize that these are the people I probably do not need to worry about. But the fact is, any time I see anyone with a gun, I get scared. I have lots of friends who carry concealed weapons. And in my head, if I don't see them, I am not scared. But the fact is, the "bad guys" are likely not going to go around flaunting their guns. But how that is a false sense of security too.
I realized today that this fear and this PTSD is not only irrational, but it is deeply rooted and profoundly affects the way I look at things. Social media does not help my PTSD and anxieties around guns. And I realize I live in fear of guns on a constant basis. I also walk around in constant fear of Christians. Social media has done a number on me. I am beginning to feel as though this country is becoming more and more polarized between Christians and non-Christians and that there is going to be a civil war with these two sides at the helm. And yes, Guns play a huge part in this fear. When I see a woman at the mall wearing a sweat shirt that says "Pro Choice, Pro Jesus, Pro Guns", I get scared. Jesus and Guns are 2 separate issues, yet this country is making is the same issue. More wars and violence are done in the name of religion than anything else. And yes, it scares me.
*whew* I sound like a freakin' mess.
I told Tracy that my PTSD started acting up as soon as we walked into the gun shop. He apologized. But its not his fault. I wanted to go too. I told him it was irrational and I just need to work through it. He reminded me that right now in our mourning states working through something like that is probably not the best thing to do right now. Everything seems so much bigger while I am mourning. This is true. Which is why I am probably as upset as I am at the moment. *sigh*
Seriously. One things at a time please. PTSD, please step back and take a number; I do not have time to deal with you while I am dealing with the loss of my son.
With all of that said, the shooting itself was fun. I don't think I was a horrible shot.
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