The last 2 night's dreams have been good. By good I mean, they were either interesting or genuinely made me smile. I think my brain is trying to get me respite. I'm grateful. However, today I can't help but feel a bit restless.
I am thinking that maybe the energy in my house is a bit heavy. I'm not entirely certain how to clear that out. Everyone in the house grieves in different ways and at different times. But I am thinking that maybe I need to open up the windows and sage the house. Why do I feel this way? Because both Tracy and I have been feeling this serious need to "get away".
Tracy started to feel it first and I thought maybe I could steal us away last weekend to do something fun (even if just for the day), but Omi's plans changed and made that a little difficult. Then today, I started to really feel it. I just want to pack up my car and go away on a long weekend trip. I want to go visit friends. I want to laugh easily. I want to just take a break from the grieving. I know it won't go away. I know it will be here when I get back. For for a glorious weekend where we just laugh and enjoy our friends' company? That would be nice.
The issue with this beautiful dream is that 1) We have NO TIME. Tracy can't take any time off of work until the Presidents Day Weekend, and that weekend is the 1/2 marathon and Suzy's birthday weekend. 2) Money is not exactly growing on trees. I do not stress about money. I know my family is always provided for... even in emergencies. I know that if we took money to go away, we would be fine. Tracy on the other hand is not so relaxed and I do not want him to stress and worry.. if we took money to go away, he would worry. AND... we have 5 people to get to Florida in May for Nick's graduation. So, if I was being responsible, I would say we gotta take care of that first.
Normally people would think, "Well you are going to Florida in May, that will help." Ya... no. It's Nick's graduation. It will be another hard weekend of memories of "if only's". Yes we will have a beach day and do our best to find some fun in there and visit friends, but it is a quick trip filled with memories and another process in the grieving.
When I think about this, I just start to feel smothered and claustrophobic. I want to celebrate my son's accomplishment's of graduation...but it should be HIM graduating on his own two feet. It is also my birthday and mother's day weekend. It's a triple-decker whammy for this grieving mom. So ya....I just want a trip away either with just Tracy or including the kids where its just about fun.
That is the other thing, Tracy and I just can't go away on a weekend with our car since it is the only car working that Nate can drive. We can't leave them car-less. So ya.. feeling stuck and smothered is what I feel like at the moment.
I'm not sure of opening up the windows and smudging my house will help with the heavy feeling or not. What I do know is that right now, its too cold for that. Later this week it is supposed to be raining (still) and in the 50's.. so maybe later I can cleanse the house.
Until then... deep breaths.....
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