February 16, 2015 A Seriously Hard Day

Yup, I still have those kind of days.

It started with a post I saw on my facebook.  It was one that my friend sent to another friend.  It was a link to the scholarship application to Burlycon.  I thought, "If I could get a scholarship, I bet Tracy wouldn't mind me going." I got up to check the dates of Burlycon.  Nov 12-15.  *sigh*  It hit me like a ton of bricks. That is 2 days after the 1 year anniversary of Nick's death.  My lost my breath.  There is no way I could leave my family at that  time and I am not even sure how I would be at that time. *sigh*

Then a request from 2 friends asking if they could use the Nick's tattoo as a memorial tattoo of their own.  They were very respectful in asking. I know they were being respectful and would NEVER want to over step or cause pain.  But my heart ached.  The thought of someone other than family wearing this tattoo broke my heart.  I felt like a bitch telling them "no".  I'm not always great at setting boundaries, but this one had to be set.  And it felt horrible and the pain of thinking of someone else wearing the tattoo hurt.  And the memory of my first thoughts of never seeing Nick again (right after hearing about him dieing) about crushed me.

Shortly after, Naomi came down and asked if we could go out.  The idea of thrift shopping to find a top to turn into a belly dance choli sounded like a good distraction and way to spend time with Omi.  She had such a rough day yesterday, I thought going out with her would be good for both of us.

We were just leaving the house when she laughed at something on her phone. I asked her what it was.  Breezy had shared one of my videos that was taken when Breezy and Jared came to surprise Naomi at one of her volleyball games. Breezy wanted to remind her that she was loved.  I smiled at that memory, but then my memory went straight to another very special surprise visit from Nick and Suzy and the video we have of that....... and I about started crying. There will be no more surprise visits like that from Nick for Omi and my heart breaks.

We while we were shopping, I came across the same dress I wore at Nick and Suzy's wedding (only in a smaller size). It about took my breath away. And I remembered that this is the 2nd time in a month that I have seen this dress.   I donated my dress YEARS ago and have not seen it since!  And yet, I have seen it TWICE in a months time frame and its not even the right time of year to be seeing it!  Crazy!

By the time we got home from our shopping trip, I was about in tears again.  I felt on the verge of losing it.  Tracy suggested a motorcycle ride, but it was too chilly and I was really struggling. He then suggested a drive to Arby's for food for him and then radio shack.   After radio shack I suggested going to get him running shoes at Kohl's. They had New Balance and Asics there for like $65-75.  I made the mistake of mentioning money as a reason for going to Kohl's.  *sigh*

The truth is, I felt like shit buying shoes to go to work at Bed Bath and Beyond and spending $165 or $175 on shoes.  I felt like complete shit.  That seems like a crazy amount for a pair of shoes.  My feet are incredibly hard to fit.  These shoes would be my exercise shoes as well as work shoes.   But I still felt like shit.  Then I felt even worse when I only worked 2 days before I had to quit cause Nick died.
Anyway, Tracy couldn't find shoes to fit him there and he got frustrated and stressed.  I felt like shit for giving him more stress. I should have just taken him to a real shoe store.  I should have known trying to find shoes at Kohl's would  have been bad. I should have know... I should have known.

Instead, no shoes were bought.  Tracy NEEDS new shoes.  He has huge holes in his shoes.

The fact of the matter is, ever since Nick died, we have  been stressed about money.. whether or not it is really about money, I can't tell you.  I don't think it is.  I just think that is where we place our stress.  Yes, we have big things happening like getting to Florida in May for Nick's graduation.  There are so many things we want to do for our kids that we either *want* to do or *need* to do by May.  And yes those things all cost money. And Tracy is the last person to spend money on himself.  If I don't force him to do it; he won't do it... and when I do it for myself I feel like shit.  It's just the way it is.

Anyway, we got home.  I sat in the car and cried and bawled.  Tracy went in cause I wasn't communicating. I didn't know what to say.  All I know is that there is very little right in my world right now.  How do I re-balance my family and my life with Nick being gone.  It's like a mobile hanging from the ceiling that has all of a sudden lost a piece and the whole balance has been thrown off.  We are trying to readjust the weight of life to make it balance out now, and its tips this way and that and its topsy-turvy and off kilter and swings and sways and is pure chaos. Then for an instant, I think we have it balanced and things are good and we can get some rest then all of a sudden, something happens and we are spinning in chaos again.   I don't know how to make it stop.

I sat and cried. Nate came out and saw me crying. He opened my car door and talked to me and I just started rambling. I feel so helpless. I understand Tracy is stressed about money. I get it.  I also feel it.  I also feel completely stuck. I can't go find a job right now.  I feel like I am the one that is keeping this family together. Getting Omi to therapy, here when she gets home from school, driving her to school, being here to make sure everyone is okay.  We only have one car. Nate is unemployed and can't afford to fix his car.  So I gotta have my car available for him to get to interviews when he can get them. I gotta drive him back and forth to work when he gets a job.  I feel like everything falls on me. If I don't go to the grocery store, there is no food.  We eat out.  We spend money. Because I didn't get to the store.  It's my fault. Everything feels as though its all on my shoulders and I am failing miserably.

After the car crying, I came back in side and got on facebook. Trying to find a way to shift my mood.  One of Nick and Suzy's friends posted her blog about her trip to India.  I was excited to read it.  Then I got to the part where she logged on to facebook while in India and found out Nick had been killed.  *sob*  Not only had poor Tori seen this on Facebook and was out of the country and far away from people (other than her companion) but was was to get back into a horrible tourist guid scammer's car and get back onto the roads that were covered with cyclist and motorcycles who could be killed in accidents at any second.  She was having a very difficult time in the car and in a very difficult time on her trip to India. My heart broke her.  My heart broke for myself.

So yes, today is a shitty day in my world. And I have come unglued today. I'm sure I will sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow feeling a bit more like I am in one piece, but today I feel shattered and unglued and like a mobile that has gone completely off balance.