Last night I knew this day was coming. It's kind of like when you are a kid and you just can't wait until the next day cause you know something awesome is going to happen. Like the night before your birthday and you know there is this huge party with all of your friends and family surrounding you. Only, *this* anniversary is COMPLETELY opposite! Instead of excited, I felt anxious. Instead of birthday cake and balloons and presents, I really wanted to figure out HOW we were going to get through another 10th of the month.
In the back of my head I kept saying, "I'm gonna make it through this. I am feeling pretty great about life. I will be fine." But the reality of it is.....I had to take pills to go to sleep last night and this morning it was the first thought on my mind. I worried how Omi would be this morning. She seemed okay. I worried about how Tracy would be this morning, and he was about as expected...wasnt' sure he was going to make it through the day (and in the end, he came home at lunch.) I worried about how Nate would handle today; he had a horrible night last night. This morning, he was not much better. And I worried about Suzy...and she was as expected. And me? Well. I was not as expected. I had a difficult morning. I was very sad this morning. And when I jumped in the shower to meet Tracy for lunch, I found myself crying.
There are some memories that are just too precious and you don't realize how precious those events are when they are happening, but when something like losing your child happens, all of a sudden EVERY chance you got to spend with that college aged child who lives out of state becomes sooo sooooo very precious! A couple of years ago, we decided to take our vacation to Texas. At the time, we thought it was because we didn't think Tracy's dad was going to live much longer. Tracy's brother and his family joined us there as well. And for the first time in a VERY LONG time, we had the bulk of all of us together. It was this vacation that I was remembering as I was taking a shower. And it dawned on me... we thought it would be our last vacation with Leonard, and it actually came down to, the last family outing for Nick. And I cried.
The book I read, The Worst Loss, suggested doing something to honor the anniversaries of the death of the child lost. IT doesn't have to be big. It could be something as simple as lighting a candle. So today, I spent most of my day trying to figure out how to bring my family together on this 3 month anniversary. And it was decided... a fire pit. Roasting hot dogs, making s'mores, and drinking beers and round a fire pit. It is what Nick would have wanted. All of the kids agreed it sounded like a great idea. And indeed, it was. It was the perfect evening with the kids. Great, chill music. Laughter. Stories. Food. I watched the change of expression on the faces of my children. This fire pit was healing. And now.. at 10:40 at night, they are all up stairs laughing. It's a good thing.
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