I have had some really great days, and quite honestly, the last couple of days have kind of felt like things are getting back to some semblance of "normal" (whatever that is). I am grateful for those days because they remind me that it is possible to go out there and smile and have fun and feel great. I need those days to cling to when I have heavier days like today.
Today isn't a bad day. It's just a bit heavier. Actually, most things just feel heavier. I know I have said this before. But things that I used to be able to do without even thinking twice really tend to feel heavy these days. It's not really "bad"; it just is. Making commitments feels extra heavy. If I make plans for more than one or two things in a week, I feel as though I am bogged down with stuff to do. These don't even have to be BIG DEALS, just commitments/appointments like signing the paper work for my mom's house stuff, or orthodontist appointments, or dance classes. Simple, every day things.
Like trying to figure out the costuming for belly dance for Salt Lake. That is seriously bogging me down. Though I *think* that maybe I have something at home that will work. I need to check Omi's stash of costumes. She may be freaking tiny, but the skirts we wear are elastic and too big for her. So I think I will be able to wear one of her skirts or harem pants. And maybe between those and one of the tops I have, I might have a chance of looking cute. *laugh* Like I said in yesterday's blog..I need to think creatively. (By the way, I'm not waiting till the last minute. I have been looking at thrift stores and cheapo sale wracks for tops or dresses I could recycle to create the perfect top.. with no luck.)
Anyway, I will comb through the entire Spiva stash and see what I can find.
This morning, the notary came by for me to sign the Deed In Lieu papers for Mom's house. It's official. Mom no longer owns a house in Florida. Now I just need to call and cut off the utilities that I had to keep running while it was still in her name. *sigh* Woohooo!!!!
Even this, as good as this is, was bitter sweet. It is just a reminder of what we have been through and what we have lost. I wouldn't have to be doing this if Nick was still around. At least not yet. The Notary was nice, but she kept making small talk which inevitably lead to talk about Nick's death. It's not her fault. She had no idea. She had no idea why she was in my house. She had no idea that talking about the idea of an Idaho Drivers License not being enough to get on a plane would open up to a story about Nick's death and Nate not having his license and still being able to get on a plane. Poor lady had no idea what she was walking into. Though to her credit, she did tell me how much she liked my "Otter" poster on my kitchen wall. *laugh*
Today is just one of those days that I really miss Nick. It's not all consuming, but it is definitely there.
The other thing that has been weighing on me is the whole one car thing. Like I have said before, Nate's car is not working and he doesn't have a job to fix it. In order to find a job, he needs to borrow my car to go out to interviews. This is a scheduling puzzle many days. Gratefully, yesterday, the Universe saw the issue and changed it for us. His interview went well yesterday. If he gets the job, it would be huge on so many levels. But the biggest level is a bit challenging. He will need a car for this job. Uhhh.. which came first, the chicken or the egg? Yup. That is about the way I feel about this whole car/job scenario. I just have to keep taking deep breaths and know that everything works out perfectly in all ways. And I also have to realize that worrying about things that *might* happen is crazy and just borrowing stress. (Like I need more of that.) I really need to focus on living in the present and let the future take care of itself.
I also just kind of feel like things are out of my control. I'm not even sure what "things" I am talking about. Which makes it even more obscure and weird feeling. It just feels like things that USED to be orderly and controlled in my house are feeling quite the opposite at the moment and I am not entirely certain how to fix that. It might be part of that "waiting for everything regarding Nick's death" to come to completion. (Like signing on my mom's house today, for example.) There are still things we are waiting for. Still big ticket items we need to take care of (like the trip to Florida for Nick's graduation). I just gotta remind myself to take some deep breaths and live in the moment.
And right now, in THIS moment, I am kind of hungry. I need to find some food....and possibly a hug from my hubby.
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