February 27, 2015... The Knock On The Door....

So I have lived in Idaho for 12 years.   Idaho has a HUGE LDS population. You can't walk down the street, into a store, or go anywhere without meeting someone who is LDS or used to be LDS.  It's just the way it is around here.  But in 12 years, I have NEVER had missionaries come to my door. I have had more LDS missionaries come to my door while living in places like Texas, Arizona and Florida.  But never in Idaho.  I guess they have never come to my door because most of Idaho is LDS and the missionaries here are focused on visiting those who were once involved and are no longer involved in the church. That is my best guess (considering its my "jack Mormon" friends who tell me the most stories about missionaries coming to visit).

Anyway, today I got a knock on my door.  I looked out my window and I saw the tale tale sign of a young LDS missionary.  In my mind, I had to think how I would respond to them.  First, as a general rule, I do not like people coming to my house without telling me they are coming.  Second, I do not like people coming to my house to try and talk to me about their religion.  I find it to be a violation of my privacy.  (If I wanted to find out more about your religion, I would come to YOU.. not the other way around.)  Third, well... I just don't like it.  I have been known to be very negative about such happenings.  I have joked about answering the door naked or some such nonsense.   But today,I had a weird feeling about the situation.

I walked to my door taking deep breaths and feeling very confused.  Why, after 12 years, are they knocking on MY door?  Is it because I moved to Meridian where the city is predominantly LDS?   Is it because I'm new the neighborhood?  When we first moved in, our neighbors gave us the "Mormon test" as they greeted us. As far as I can tell, I only have 1 immediate Mormon neighbor. We have met 4 of our immediate neighbors and only 1 of them is LDS.  So I open the door to two very nice young men, proudly wearing their Missionary badges. They were very kind and a very timid. They kept looking over their shoulder toward the house that the LDS family lives in.  Weird. I have never had that kind of behavior before.  They were actually very awkward, which has also never happened. I kind of felt sorry for them.  "Do you know or have any Mormon friends?"  Seriously? You are in Meridian and you are asking me that question.  And they kept looking over to that house. I laughed with them and said, "I live in Meridian, Idaho. Of course, I have LDS friends."

"We just wanted to know if we can offer you any services."  Well that is a new one for me.  I know that they Mormon missionaries will come in and provide services for you. I had a friend who befriended a couple of them and had them over to help with yard work!  The LDS church down the street from my mom's Florida house would come and take care of her yard after a hurricane (and my mom thought all LDS were going to hell.. and they still helped her.) I know this is what they do. But i have NEVER been asked this by missionaries. I told them I was great and didn't need anything and I thanked them for the offer.  Then they said, "Well we aren't here to talk about religion.  We just wanted to check and see if there is anything you needed us to do or to talk to us about." This is where I felt weird. They kept looking back at my neighbors house. Were my neighbors watching from their living room window?  These two young men, were awkward asking this question. Like they knew I had something deep to talk about and they just werent' sure how to say it... "We heard your son died, can we help you in any way?"  I thanked them again, and told them I was fine.  "Well is it okay if we leave you a card? On the back it has a website that is pretty legit." (yes he used the word legit.) I gladly took the card.

I can't help but think that someone told the missionaries my son died and I might need comforting. I came very close to inviting these young men in. I just wanted to talk to them.  I wanted to ask them where they came from. Where is "home".  What are their plans for their lives? Why did they decide to do their time as missionaries?  How can *I* help *them*?  I realize these young men are not the enemy. No one is the enemy. No need to answer the door naked (though, they had better be glad I wasn't practicing my burlesque routine this morning!)

I think I see my son in every random 20 something year old boy that walks up to my door.  Nick would have had a field day with them.

I am feeling rather melancholy today.  That punch in the gut as I went to sleep has not really been shaken off.  I can't remember what it was that came to my mind last night, which frustrates me. There is something that I have not shared with ANYONE since Nick died.   I am struggling HARD to find memories of Nick. With my brain injury a couple of years ago, I have lost ALOT of memories!  And I mean TONS of them!  It hasn't been just a short term memory loss, but LONG TERM as well.  I have very few memories of Nick.  This is why I value and LOVE every time I come across someone who shares stories with me.  This is why I loved realizing that Kendal from Burlesque was a friend of Nick's in junior high. She didn't share memories of him with me, but it did remind me of him hanging out with certain people and a memory I had kind of forgotten. And I think the "gut punch" I took last night was a memory I had forgotten, remembered, and now have forgotten again. I really hate when that happens.  I wish I had all of those memories!  Losing Nick physically sucks so bad. Realizing I have lost those memories sucks even more than anyone can possibly understand!

But in an effort to keep his memory alive, I would love to share a story with you all.

Nick was in 9th grade, I believe. He had this black hoodie with skulls and crossbones all over it.  He ONLY wore black. I don't know that he was ever truly "goth" but he only wore black and hated labels on clothing.  Anyway, he had this attitude about school and about life.  He was kinda of a dark horse in school.   His grades weren't fantastic. He was getting in trouble at school for bizarre things.  He was always pushing limits and living life on his own terms. Let's face it, he could be a little shit!

So he had this black hoodie. He decided to give the skulls "facial piercings" by putting safety pins through the noses of all the skulls. He wore his hoodie like this for a couple of days. No big deal. It seemed like kids were all about safety pins at that time. It's not the first time in this life time that someone has used safety pins as a decoration to express themselves.  When I was a kid we made friendship pins out of them and put them on our shoe laces! Anyway, Vice Principal Ellinghouse (who is now VP at Timberline High School, was a complete.... well.. let's just say there is no love loss between us. He took great exception to Nick's safety pins.  At the beginning of school, he told Nick to take them out.  Nick didn't.

(This is the hoodie..its the best picture I could find)

At break, he saw Nick again. He told Nick to take them out.  I'm sure Nick gave him some back talk because it was a stupid request. Mr. Ellinghouse told him that it was a violation of dress code or some such nonsense.  Nick still refused to take them out because Mr. Ellinghouse could not give him a reasonable response to "why?". Granted, I would have liked my son to just use his manners and do what he was asked, but that is not the way Nick worked.  He needed people to be logical and reasonable and he wanted to know WHY such a demand was being made of him.  So Mr. Ellinghouse saw him again and became very angry.  He confiscated Nick's safety pins and gave him detention or suspension or something stupid like that and he called me to come into the office.  He told me that Nick was violating dress code. I looked at the dress code and no where in there did it say safety pins were a violation.  He told Nick they were a safety hazard because *some* kids were using safety pins to pierce themselves during school.  Okay.  But Nick wasn't. Why is this Nick's  issue?  He wasn't a safety pin pusher.  So what's the problem? OMG. Mr. Ellinghouse was a piece of work, and he hated Nick. Why? Because Nick was different. He pushed buttons. He demanded logical thinking and reasoning and refused to be a mindless drone.

He has always lived  his life that way.. he died living his life that way.  I could not be any prouder.  I'm grateful for what memories I have left of Nick.  I may not have as many as I would like. Gosh I wish I had so many more.  I wish his life was long enough for me to create new ones with him.  I miss his smile. I miss his laughter. I miss his arguing.

I am trying very hard to conjure up memories... and write them down so I can remember them forever.  Damn brain injury! How dare you steal my son from me!

February 26, 2015.... You Know It's Going To Be One Of Those Days When......

You have been wearing a shirt all morning, but at lunch, you look down and realize you are wearing our husband's tshirt instead of the race shirt you thought you put on!  DOH!  But hey! At least I was comfortable and I looked cute!

Seriously. Yesterday I woke up feeling great.  After giving my back some rest, I decided I needed to set up my make shift dance studio and get out my costume and rehearse for burlesque.  I needed to work on that floor routine part and make sure I remembered my choreo that I had created a couple of days ago.  Nate was still sleeping.  Suzy was still sleeping.  The house was quiet. It was a perfect time to get this done.  

I got it all set up, and I practiced a couple of times. My floor routine started to feel much better, but I still feel awkward in the transition from floor to standing.  (Gotta get that figured out).  And just as I was finished (meaning, all I was wearing was my bedlah bra and hip scarf and panties) when Nate came out. *laugh*  Yes, I'm certain that my 22 year old son loves coming out of the bedroom to see his mom dancing in something a little bit more than a bikini.    At least he thinks my Isis wings are amazing!  For that matter, poor Suzy has gotten whacked with my Isis wings a time or two while trying to pass by me to get to the kitchen while I am practicing.  My "dance studio" is in the walk way from the living room to the kitchen...*snicker*

After I was done rehearsing I invited Nate and Suzy to run downtown to Crazy Neighbor (to find some pretty sparklies for belly dance) and to lunch at Deli G (every one's favorite lunch spot).  We hit food first, and it hit the spot. Pure yumminess.  Then it was off to shop for sparklies at Crazy Neighbor.  I love that store!  It's filled with amazing dance goodness as well as some other fun and quirky things.  Nate fell in love the male section of the store.  He loved the wigs in the back of the store.  Everyone was trying on things.  It was a grand adventure and play time!  I had forgotten how much Nate loves to dress up and be silly.  

I also managed to get my the power and water to my mom's old house terminated.  Yay!  She got her homeowners insurance cancelled. And now we are free of a house in Florida that was eating a hole in every one's pocket!  Yay!!!!!  

Over all, I had a pretty great day and it was followed by a bitch and stitch with my burlesque family.  I can't really say sisters cause Joey was there.  *laugh*  We had a great time getting caught up with each other personally as well as working on projects, getting tips for costuming and even getting tips on performing. No matter where we are in game of burlesque we all have something to teach each other, and its amazing to see everyone open to ideas and growth experiences.  I love how the burlesque community supports each other....male, female, or otherwise.  The diversity, the creativity, the acceptance...its amazing.

While we sat and visited, I realized that one of the newbies to burlesque was friends with Nick in junior high. I thought she looked familiar and her name sounded familiar. But I wasn't entirely certain. She wasn't someone Nick hung around with all the time.  But it was someone he knew and was friends with way back then.  I do not know if she knew Nick had died.  But she does now.  We talked about Nick last night and thanks to visiting with her and the conversation I was able to remember some more about Nick.  It was bitter sweet. 

I am very grateful to be able to share a stage with people that Nick knew.  Partly cause I get to remember Nick. And partly because I'm freakin' 46 years old (well almost) and I get to shake it with the 20 somethings! *laugh*  Another beautiful part of burlesque (and belly dancing). No matter what your age is, accepting yourself and your body is an amazing experience!

Fun times last night!  Seriously! 

Then I came home and went straight to bed only to have a gut punch memory as I drifted off to sleep.  I almost got up to blog right then, but decided I would remember and blog the next day. Well, its the next day (and this blog is late) and I have forgotten.  *laugh*  DOH!

February 25, 2015 Another Thing Checked Off The List......

This morning I woke up feeling heavy.  I'm not depressed.   I just feel heavy.

I have had some really great days, and quite honestly, the last couple of days have kind of felt like things are getting back to some semblance of "normal" (whatever that is).  I am grateful for those days because they remind me that it is possible to go out there and smile and have fun and feel great.  I need those days to cling to when I have heavier days like today.

Today isn't a bad day. It's just a bit heavier.  Actually, most things just feel heavier.  I know I have said this before. But things that I used to be able to do without even thinking twice really tend to feel heavy these days.  It's not really "bad"; it just is.  Making commitments feels extra heavy.  If I make plans for more than one or two things in a week, I feel as though I am bogged down with stuff to do.  These don't even have to be BIG DEALS, just commitments/appointments like signing the paper work for my mom's house stuff, or orthodontist appointments, or dance classes. Simple, every day things.

Like trying to figure out the costuming for belly dance for Salt Lake.  That is seriously bogging me down.  Though I *think* that maybe I have something at home that will work. I need to check Omi's stash of costumes. She may be freaking tiny, but the skirts we wear are elastic and too big for her. So I think I will be able to wear one of her skirts or harem pants.  And maybe between those and one of the tops I have, I might have a chance of looking cute. *laugh*  Like I said in yesterday's blog..I need to think creatively.  (By the way, I'm not waiting till the last minute.  I have been looking at thrift stores and cheapo sale wracks for tops or dresses I could recycle to create the perfect top.. with no luck.)

Anyway, I will comb through the entire Spiva stash and see what I can find.

This morning, the notary came by for me to sign the Deed In Lieu papers for Mom's house.  It's official.  Mom no longer owns a house in Florida.  Now I just need to call and cut off the utilities that I had to keep running while it was still in her name.  *sigh*  Woohooo!!!!

Even this, as good as this is, was bitter sweet.  It is just a reminder of what we have been through and what we have lost.  I wouldn't have to be doing this if Nick was still around. At least not yet.  The Notary was nice, but she kept making small talk which inevitably lead to talk about Nick's death. It's not her fault. She had no idea.  She had no idea why she was in my house. She had no idea that talking about the idea of an Idaho Drivers License not being enough to get on a plane would open up to a story about Nick's death and Nate not having his license and still being able to get on a plane.  Poor lady had no idea what she was walking into.    Though to her credit, she did tell me how much she liked my "Otter" poster on my kitchen wall.  *laugh*

Today is just one of those days that I really miss Nick. It's not all consuming, but it is definitely there.
The other thing that has been weighing on me is the whole one car thing.  Like I have said before, Nate's car is not working and he doesn't have a job to fix it.  In order to find a job, he needs to borrow my car to go out to interviews.  This is a scheduling puzzle many days. Gratefully, yesterday, the Universe saw the issue and changed it for us. His interview went well yesterday.  If he gets the job, it would be huge on so many levels. But the biggest level is a bit challenging. He will need a car for this job.  Uhhh.. which came first, the chicken or the egg? Yup. That is about the way I feel about this whole car/job scenario.   I just have to keep taking deep breaths and know that everything works out perfectly in all ways.  And I also have to realize that worrying about things that *might* happen is crazy and just borrowing stress.  (Like I need more of that.)  I really need to focus on living in the present and let the future take care of itself.

I also just kind of feel like things are out of my control.  I'm not even sure what "things" I am talking about.  Which makes it even more obscure and weird feeling. It just feels like things that USED to be orderly and controlled in my house are feeling quite the opposite at the moment and I am not entirely certain how to fix that.  It might be part of that "waiting for everything regarding Nick's death" to come to completion. (Like signing on my mom's house today, for example.) There are still things we are waiting for. Still big ticket items we need to take care of (like the trip to Florida for Nick's graduation).  I just gotta remind myself to take some deep breaths and live in the moment.

And right now, in THIS moment, I am kind of hungry.  I need to find some food....and possibly a hug from my hubby.

February 24, 2015 Ohhhh My Aching Back!!!!!!

Who's bright idea was it to run on Monday?  Cause let me tell you, the back pain on Tuesday is just about unbearable.  Ain't nobody got time for that!!!  So I popped some Advil and kept on moving in hopes that my back would loosen up with movement.

I didn't really work.  By the time, I was done rehearsing my burlesque performance and going to belly dance class tonight, my back was D.O.N.E.! Ya. I don't think I will be running again anytime soon.  Remember how happy I was on Monday after I ran?  Now think about the total opposite on Tuesday when I, once again, realize that running is not my friend.

Moving on.....

So I have been working on my burlesque routine and my costuming.  This particular routine is a huge labor of love on so many levels.  It was once birthed with a completely different idea in mind.  It has taken on a few different story lines since the beginning.  And with that, a few different costume changes.  The idea for today was that I would complete the second half of the performance choreography.  The first half was easy.  But the second half needed some work. The whole free flowing thing just isn't working for me.  I finally got the second half down.  I even wrote it down.  Feeling good about the second half, I still felt like something was missing in the story.  Something wasn't popping. Something wasn't dramatic enough.  Then all of a sudden, I realized what needed to happen.  The beginning of the choreo needed to be rewritten. OMG. Seriously?  Does this process ever end?

A brain child was born. It said, "Start the choreo on the ground!"  That brain child is smart, but it also didn't take into consideration that "Grace" is NOT my middle name.. or my first or my last!  As a matter of fact, that name was held up beside me and the dance gods laughed and threw that name tag in an iron box and buried it deep in the heart of hell so it would never been seen beside me ever again!  Then I had another thought:  floor work at Pengilly's Saloon is not the best idea. Yes, there is a stage, but it is low and people won't see it.  I am going to work with this idea some more.  I'm not fully convinced.  And if I do become fully convinced that floor work needs to happen, the audience is just going to have to deal with it, I guess.    At least with this new idea, costuming became much simpler!

After rehearsing the burlesque performance for a couple of hours, it was time to shower and give my aching back (now that the Advil has worn off) a rest and take more Advil to make it through belly dance rehearsal.  Whew!  Why did I think I could run yesterday???

Tonight, we needed to be in belly dance performance clothing for an audition for a possible performance this June.  I realized something.  I knew I had gained entirely too much weight, but man, my belly dance costumes are not fitting me. This is very, very sad!!!!  Especially when it comes to having to buy new stuff. It's not cheap. And the truly great stuff does not come in my size which means I need to get sewing. *sigh*  I found an outfit, and off to class we went.

It was fun to dance with all of my sisters. We are separated into several different weekday classes and I miss dancing with the entire studio.  It was fun to see everyone dressed up!  We laughed, we talked and it was mayhem for a bit.  But it was fun. And the ending to our new group dance for the season is PRICELESS!!!! I love it so much!  I can't wait to see a group shot of this ending!  

The audition went well. If nothing else, we got to get dressed up and dance with our sisters.

My brain is still stuck on costuming.  We are travelling to Salt Lake City on March 6 to perform on March 7. We are suppose to wear blues, purples, or neutrals.  This is posing a problem for me.  My purple skirt is too small.  And I don't have a solid color top that is blue or purple.  My blue skirt fits beautifully, but I only have a red top to match it.  I have a black top, but I hate wearing all black on top. It washes me out.  It's just too harsh.  I have black, gold and red harem pants. I guess I can wear black under my skirt, but only if I am wearing black on top.  I have a purple hip scarf that I can wear to bring in the purple. Ugggg...  I have no time to buy anything new and get it here in time for dress rehearsal on Saturday. And nothing in the loaner pile at the studio fits me (I tried it all on while at class). I'm so freaking frustrated.  Not sure what I am going to do. Have to think creatively. I'll get it figured out eventually.

After belly dance, we rushed back home to make dinner.  I finally got around to opening up one of the bottles of wine I brought back from Florida. Blueberry Wine. I covered some fresh blueberries in the wine before I left for belly dance. When we got home, we made blueberry pancakes with the berries that had been marinating. We used the wine from the marinade and some water to make the batter.  It was very yummy.  This was an idea I got from Chelsea.  I miss that girl!

Anyway...today has been a bitter sweet day with some frustration...and tomorrow I have stuff to get done. A notary is coming to the house for me to finish on my mom's house stuff.

February 23, 2015 Cooking In More Ways Than One.....

Today was a fun day.

I really miss running. Or to be more specific, I miss the body that running gave me. There is some thing to be said for the lean body that running gives.   I also miss the "high" I get from running.  However, I have been very hesitant to start actually running again. Between my cranky knee and my back surgery, I just tend to be very careful with my body right now.  I would like to go a whole year without injury or surgery. I don't think that is asking too much.

While Omi and I were walking our 1/2 marathon on Valentines day, there was a group of women ahead of us doing intervals with 30 second running and 45 second walking.  2 years ago when I was running, I was doing a 4 minute run with a 2 minute walk.  I certainly didn't start at that interval, but that is where I ended up.  My fastest marathon was under 6 1/2 hoursand my fastest 1/2 marathon was under 3 hours. I did pretty good for myself.   So today I did some research and found a couple of different options for interval training for our next half marathon.  I decided on running a 30/45 interval.  According to the site, it said it would give me a 15 minute mile pace.  Uhh.. ya.. not so much.  I walked went for 55 minutes in total (10 minutes warm up/cool down and 45 minute intervals).  The intervals alone should have gotten me 3 miles.  But by the time I was completely done, I wasn't even at 3 miles.  It was decided.  I walk faster than I run!  Knowing what I know, I will keep going with this interval training at 3 mile goal during the week.  I do not think my body can take the interval runs for the full half marathon yet.  But I do know that the interval training will help with the fat burning process as well as my bringing back my cardio endurance.  I will do this 2 or 3 times a week and keep the "long run" at a speed walk with Omi.  

Here's to new goals and getting things back on track!

After a beautiful run, I rested a bit before showering and getting into sparkly attire to practice my burlesque performance.  Body image is a funny thing.  One day you can look at yourself in the mirror and HATE everything you see.  "I'm too fat."  "Too many rolls."  "I have too many stretch marks and scars."  "I need high waisted panties cause the muffin top is too much."  "Too much cellulite."  Then the next day, you can put on the same clothes and see something completely different!  "I LOVE MY BODY!!!"  "DAMN I'M HOT!"  "I'M A SEXY BEAST!"   Seriously, its a crazy roller coaster!    Gratefully, today, I felt amazing in my costume!  Woohoo!!!!

I set up the mirrors in the living room and turned up the music!  I practiced several times.. the full thing and the just some spots.  Omi came in as I was finishing up one whole run through and she was all smiles.  That made me happy.  Then I performed the whole thing for her from beginning to end, and realized, I need to actually choreograph the 2nd half.  I can't just wing it and not write it down and memorize it. I need to count it out and write it down and do it properly.  I need to hit my marks.  I have my marks for the first half. But the 2nd half needs marks that definitely need to be hit.  I guess I will get that choreo done either tonight or tomorrow.

After I was done practicing I tried on some belly dance skirts with my pieces from my burlesque costume.  I can not wait to wear them for belly dance.  Holy Cow, I just felt so pretty today!  It made me so happy!

Then tonight was another new recipe.  I decided to make a spicy meatloaf from my Weight Watcher's cookbooks.  I doubled the recipe and changed a few things. Over all, I think it was pretty yummy and I have entirely too much left over!  *laugh*  Then it was steamed brussels sprouts and garlic mashed potatoes.  Over all, the dinner was very yummy!  I have never made brussels sprouts with just garlic powder, salt and pepper.  They were very yummy and they went perfect with the mashed potatoes.  Usually I have peas with potatoes.  I am happy with the switch, even if only 2 of us would eat them.

Over all, today was a pretty amazing day.  I felt like my old self again today.  It's nice to feel that :).

February 22, 2015 I Seriously Know The BEST People!

My life is so blessed with such amazing and talented human beings!

This weekend has been an amazing weekend all around. But last night, I spent the evening celebrating Dan Costello's 40th birthday at his birthday concert. This man can croon!  He has a voice that will make any woman swoon and a sense of humor that will knock you off of your feet. And boy is he a cutie!  Then you pair him up with Ann McDonald (Frankly Frankie) and there is a dynamic duo to give Batman and Robin a run for their money!  Seriously.  Then I finished the weekend off with tonight's burlesque performance... but before I get there.....

Today started off with an amazing sleep in Sunday.  I had some fun dreams last night that woke me up feeling light hearted and rested.  With it being Sunday and a week since I have been grocery shopping (maybe even longer, since I don't think I made one meal last week), I NEEDED to make a menu and a shopping list and hit the grocery store.  I was feeling VERY uninspired. I am in a cooking rut, and I LOVE to cook and play in the kitchen. But I just have not been feeling it.   So I found 1 new recipe to try and the rest were just ol' standbys. Just as I was about to leave, all of the kids ended up in the kitchen and 2 of them were throwing grocery items at me to put on my list. Then Omi decided she wanted Chicken and Dumplin's for dinner. We have NEVER made this.  I told her it would have to wait till next week.  But we swapped out her favorite meal that was already on the menu and added the new dish. I had her look up a recipe on line and we added the items to our list.

With list in hand, we were off to the store.  It was crowded and crazy. Not my favorite place to be.  But we managed to get out of their pretty quickly and with only a few impulse buys.  I  mean, really, can you say "no" when a teenager asks for artichokes? Ya... I can't either!

Back at home, we quickly put stuff away and started on the new recipe.  It was her recipe, so we needed a weekend to do it. So today it was!  Together we worked on our Chicken and Dumplin's.  We made a sticky mess with the dough and I was not entirely certain they would come out okay.  When it was all said and done, the dumplin's came out well, but the dish itself was too bland.  I never cook with salt, and today I added salt. But it still wasnt' enough. *sigh*  Next time.....  

For not being inspired, we sure had a good time in the kitchen today!

Then it was off to burlesque. Tracy wanted some down time.  I wanted to go to cheer on my friend and Omi's voice instructor. It was her first actual burlesque type performance and I wanted to be here to cheer her on.  So I threw on some appropriate clothes and headed off alone.  I got there in time to get a table right up front and had some empty seats.  But they were not empty for long.  Some of my girlfriends joined me, and Leta joined us a soon as she was done!  Tonight's show was so inspirational.  All of the acts were inspired and amazing!  I laughed so hard.  I made plans with Brandi to meet up on Thursday to work on costuming.  Linda and I (with Brandi's help) came up with a brainchild of an idea for a duet together.  And Oh My!  It was so much fun! I am never alone when I am with my sparkle family!

Between Belly Dance and Burlesque, I am surrounded by some of the most creative people in Boise!  And I am extremely blessed!  The more I get to know these men and women, the bigger my heart grows and the more supported and loved I feel by my community.  It has been a very long time since I have felt like I belong somewhere, and the dancing community is making that happen!  Then add my running community, and I am not sure what else a woman can ask for!

February 21, 2015 The Continuation.....

So ya....no matter what try, some things you just can't hide from. They will ALWAYS be with you.  The memory that your son is dead is one of them.   The other thing that I couldn't hide from today was my PTSD brought on from childhood.

So Tracy and I scheduled a day/night away to just be together.  Some good old fashioned quality time.  We needed time to just be  us after everything that has happened.  We were doing really good at that.  Then this morning, after waking up, we were checking in with each other about how we slept.  He had a restless night with bad dreams. I had bad dreams.  Once again, I found myself having dreams where I am repeating myself over and over again telling people that Nick is dead and no one is listening to me.  I wasn't yelling this time, but this is a recurring theme.  I think its my unconscious is trying to get it sunk into my head.  I had another dream last night where I found myself telling people that Nick is dead only this time some kind of snake was chasing me and attacking me trying to bite me.  I don't know why.  Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling all kinds of out of sorts.  So did Tracy.  We cuddled and cajoled each other.  But in the end, we really just needed to get up and get the day started.

We had breakfast and then headed over to the gun range.  This is WAY out of my comfort zone. I have shot guns before.  It's not new to me.  But I have never gone into a gun store or an indoor range. Tracy and I have talked about going shooting for a very long time.  I like shooting guns.  Really I do. I'm not a horrible shot.  But the minute I walked into the shop, my PTSD started to act up.  I was scared out of my wits.  I didn't want to leave Tracy's side.  This shop rents the guns to shoot.  As the woman behind the counter explained the gun, showed us how to load it and work it, my head was spinning. I was glad that Tracy has experience with guns and that he could walk me through this.  But then the woman asked me to show her that I understood.  I guess I understood enough to get through exercise.  But I was still scared to death to touch this gun.  (All other guns I have shot have been hunting rifles, muskets, and some crazy kinds of guns that a friend of our from AZ had.  I have never shot a hand gun......the kind of gun that is attached to my memories from childhood.)

Okay, to be fair, the memories I have about guns are not really attached to childhood.  I can't remember the first time I was told of the threats my father used to make to my mom.  I hesitate to share this publicly.  Not everyone in my family knows about these threats.  And I don't want my nieces and nephews to hear and know these things. I will not go into details about the threats. But they threats were real.  And unfortunately these threats were written in letters and shown to me more than just once.  These threats were "empty" because he did not own a gun (that I know of) but that doesn't mean he could not have gotten one.  And it doesn't make the threats any less scary and traumatic.

So today, I walk into the gun shop and hear guns shooting.  I'm surrounded by people whom I do not know.  Most of them are carrying at least one gun.. several with multiple guns. I realize that these are the people I probably do not need to worry about.  But the fact is, any time I see anyone with a gun, I get scared. I have lots of friends who carry concealed weapons.  And in my head, if I don't see them, I am not scared.  But the fact is, the "bad guys" are likely not going to go around flaunting their guns.  But how that is a false sense of security too.

I realized today that this fear and this PTSD is not only irrational, but it is deeply rooted and profoundly affects the way I look at things.  Social media does not help my PTSD and anxieties around guns.  And I realize I live in fear of guns on a constant basis.  I also walk around in constant fear of Christians.   Social media has done a number on me.  I am beginning to feel as though this country is becoming more and more polarized between Christians and non-Christians and that there is going to be a civil war with these two sides at the helm.  And yes, Guns play a huge part in this fear.  When I see a woman at the mall wearing a sweat shirt that says "Pro Choice, Pro Jesus, Pro Guns", I get scared.  Jesus and Guns are 2 separate issues, yet this country is making is the same issue.  More wars and violence are done in the name of religion than anything else.  And yes, it scares me.

*whew* I sound like a freakin' mess.

I told Tracy that my PTSD started acting up as soon as we walked into the gun shop. He apologized. But its not his fault. I wanted to go too.  I told him it was irrational and I just need to work through it.  He reminded me that right now in our mourning states working through something like that is probably not the best thing to do right now. Everything seems so much bigger while I am mourning. This is true.  Which is why I am probably as upset as I am at the moment.  *sigh*

Seriously.  One things at a time please.  PTSD, please step back and take a number; I do not have time to deal with you while I am dealing with the loss of my son.

With all of that said, the shooting itself was fun. I don't think I was a horrible shot.

February 20, 2015 You Can Run But You Can't Hide

Yesterday, Tracy and I got to  "run away" for a little bit.  We had  spa day filled with Massages and Pedicures scheduled.  We had a hotel for the night. And just time to be together.  We were really looking forward to it.

The massage was amazing.  I found myself sore in places that I am NEVER sore in, yet I expected some of them to be sore.  Like the muscles around my heart chakra.  They were crazy tense; which was to be expected.  The muscles at my atlas (the part where the head and neck meet) were crazy sore which have NEVER been sore before.  And my hands were very sore for no explained reason.  I also realized I had no neck. I have been wearing my shoulders for ear rings, apparently.  Metaphysically, I understand why some of these things were sore.  My heart is broken.  I am having a hard time keeping my head screwed on straight.  And a hard time keeping  a grip of my emotions.  All of which would explain the soreness in places where I am never sore.   I just kept on breathing and trying to release as she worked.  (Not sure it worked..but hey..I tried.)

The pedicure was an experience.  Tracy has never had a pedicure before.  And I did not realize how LONG we would be getting this pedicure.  The massage was 50 minutes.  (After the fact, I looked at how long and what our pedicure was supposed to be and found out it was 80 freakin' minutes long!)  So ya, the Pedicure was very long and in not so comfortable seating for someone with back problems. Tracy's back was not very happy; however our feet were all kinds of soft by the time they were done.  It was Tracy's first experience at real "hen talk".  Poor guy. I saw him laughing with all the women and kind of rolling his eyes. But the kicker came when he was asked, "So do you have just the daughter at home or do you have more kids?"  Generally this is safe idle chit chat and expected at the "hen house". But Tracy was sorely unprepared for this question.  He answered as best he could, then grabbed my hand and squeezed tight.  *sigh*    (This is one of the reasons it has taken us so long to use these gift certificates....I knew getting massages and pedicures would be a place where these memories would be brought to our attention.)  Anyway, we made it through it and I think we came out a bit more relaxed and feeling pampered.

Then it was off to our hotel.  It's my favorite place to stay. It's a two story suite with a huge jetted 3 person hot tub up stairs.  The shower is a huge 2 person shower with 2 shower heads.  The bed is amazing.  Everything is spectacular. The hotel itself is very clean and nice.  We had 2 amazing soaks in that tub yesterday.  Yay!!!  When we first got there and took a  nap I kinda felt like we were in Vegas for some reason. *laugh* I miss Vegas.

Eventually Tracy brought up the conversation at the spa.  I had been good at not bringing up Nick and I wasn't going to bring him up unless Tracy did...and he did. We talked about the conversation...and things seemed to be okay.  We got up and went to dinner at our favorite Thai place and then went to see 50 Shades of Grey.  Ya.....not sure I am a fan of the movie.  But not for the reasons most people talk about.  I have mixed feelings about the movie, but then again, I had mixed feelings about the books, too.  Anyway.....over all, we had a great day together.  For the most part, it was just the 2 of us in our thoughts and actions.  It was nice to be "just us" for a little while anyway.

But by the time we woke up this morning.. I realized... "You can run, but you can't hide......"  To be continued.........

February 19, 2015 Sewing My Day Away

Today was pretty uneventful.  I had a project I needed to finish... more specifically a dance bra.  I need it done for my burlesque performance in 2 weeks.  I started on this bra back in the fall right before Nick died.  The plan was for me to wear it to the Festival of Trees belly dance performance.  With Nick's death, that obviously didn't happen.

That last thought just hit home.  I have  been very uninspired by this bra recently.  It has been a huge chore for me to get in there and finish it.  I have been dragging my feet.  I couldn't figure out why, but typing that sentence it hit me.  Is it possible that this bra that I was so freakin' excited about back in fall has now been attached to the timing of my son's death and that has taken the excitement right out of it?  Is that even possible?    God I hope not!  I hope it's just that the creation of this bra has not been as easy as I thought it was going to be.

I worked on it all day today.  And when all was said and done, it's not finished. I need to un-sew the back strap cover up and cut it off and finish off the sides where I will be cutting.  I'm not sure that I am happy that my back bra strap will go uncovered.  I may look into adding some kind of something to the back, but its going to have to wait till Sunday after Tracy and I come back from our get-a-way over-nighter.  Maybe after some happy happy time, I will be able to look at the bra with fresh eyes.

I also got a glorious guilty pleasure nap in today.  I took Naomi to therapy today.  Usually, I just hang out in my car and read or do something on facebook.  Today, I opened up the sun roof, laid my chair back and took a luscious nap in the beautiful sunshine!

Life is good, and I'm looking very forward to my special time with Tracy tomorrow.  Just a heads up.. No blog tomorrow.. I know you all are sooo disappointed *laugh*

February 18, 2015 It's Cliche

But today has been a really good day.

I have to say that my life is very blessed. Really it is.  I have some of the most amazing, supportive, loving friends and community a woman could ever ask for.  The other day I was thinking about the years where I spent volunteering for the Junior League of Boise teaching self-esteem classes to tween girls, being a girl scout leader, volunteering at a.l.p.h.a. all at the same time. My job seriously was a full-time volunteer.  I spent more hours in volunteer time than most people spent in a full time job.  It was rewarding work and I loved it. And it took everything I had out of me. Seriously.  I had no idea that one day, I would be the recipient of such kindness and goodness the way that I have been blessed since Nick's death. When I volunteered, I never did it with the thought that "one day this will come back to me"; yet, it has and it continues to. I do not take any of this for granted. Not one little bit. I am humbled and my heart is filled with such gratitude.

Today started out with a brain child of an idea to go by the ReStore to see if they had any suitable used mirrors that I could use for a dance studio. I seriously need mirrors to see how my Isis Wings look when I dance. The one little "dressing" mirror that I have just doesn't do that job.  Sure enough, they had lots of choices to choose from. I ended up with 2  3'x4' (ish) mirrors. Once they are set on a small table, they are the perfect!  I spent the morning, getting them set up in my living room and danced my morning away!  I had so much fun practicing my burlesque routine!

I also received an amazing message and gift from amazing friends today. I do not know if I can talk about it publicly, but they know who they are and what they have done for me and Omi.   But Omi and I will be continuing our journey of half-marathons to keep up with the healing work!  We can not wait to see what comes next in our training and races as a mom and daughter team!

Then it was time to just chill and relax before this evenings sweat lodge.

When Nick was a teenager,  he did a couple of sweats with his young men's group, and Wytomi used to lead those lodges. When Wytomi's partner (My friend, Christian) heard about Nick's death, she talked with Wytomi and they offered to do a very special sweat lodge for our family to do some release work regarding Nick's death.  Tonight was the night.  Of the 5 of us, only Tracy and I have done sweat lodges. Suzy and Nick put a sweat lodge on their vision board when they were teenagers. They had always planned on doing one together.  So today, it was Suzy, Nate and Omi's first sweat lodge. Nate was a bit worried about getting sick from the heat like he does at hot springs.  He was pretty certain he didn't want to go, but he agreed to go anyway.

Wytomi is very good at what he does.  It was just our family, Wytomi, Christina (his girlfriend...my friend) and one of Wytomi's students (Christy).   We chanted, we remembered Nick. We expressed and released our anger, and filled the new hole created by the release of anger with love and a promise to live our lives with passion and purpose (the way Nick would have wanted).  The deeply personal things will not be spoken about outside of the lodge.  I will not talk about what was said there or any one elses experience. But what I can say is this: it was perfect.  And I am so grateful that we got to do a sweat together as a family. What a special time to share.

There was one moment in the lodge, where the door was closed, it was pitch black in the lodge, but yet when I opened my eyes, I SAW something walking/floating by me in a clockwise manner. I have no way of explaining what it was other than to say, I think it was Nick.   Actually, Nick came to me right as we started and thanked me for getting everyone there.  I felt at peace.  I felt safe. I felt surrounded by love.  It was a beautiful experience.

After the lodge, we all went into the farm house and shared soup and bread and grounded ourselves. I really enjoy spending time with Christian and Wytomi.   I love hearing about Wytomi's work as a Shaman.

Then on the way home, I had a car for of kids who were laughing and loving each other.  They sounded lighter than I have heard them sound in a long time.  It was beautiful.

Tonight, as I type this, I am feeling so very blessed and light hearted.

February 17, 2015 Cried Myself To Sleep Last Night......

Woke myself up crying this morning.  Happy Tuesday!

*sigh*

So I am going to blog at 1pm in the afternoon.  Mostly because not much is happening today.  Yes, there is the possibility that this evening will be much better, but there is also the possibility that I might go out and not come home till late (if I go out to Fat Tuesday).  So.. I'm blogging today.  Also, my dreams from last night are what I am going to blog about....

Last night, I cried myself to sleep.  It wasn't just a little cry.  It was an full on sob fest in my bed last night.  For that matter, I cried while making dinner.  I did a hell of alot of crying yesterday afternoon/evening.  I don't think I have cried that much since this whole thing started.  Yes, I have cried and I have sobbed, but only in short spurts.  Nothing like yesterday. I guess my body just needed it.  I don't know.

When I finally fell asleep, I had night mares all night. I was an emotional mess and roller coaster in my dreams.

I had this dream where I was walking along Victory Road (from our old house) towards the Junior High and Alternative High School and the Tech School.  There are LOTS of kids in that area during the school day.  And there are ALWAYS kids out on Victory Road smoking.  The kids in my dreams were (what you might call) "hoodlums".  They were just entitled, smart-assed, and had huge chips on their shoulders.  They had no respect for adults.  In my head, I felt like they were wasting their young lives.  I looked at them, smoking and "hanging out" and just wasting away with no ambition.  And I got so angry at them. 1) They were smoking (in an effect killing themselves) and they were so young!  2)  They were doing NOTHING to become anything in their lives and were wasting such potential.

In my dream, Nick had been killed at the top of a hill at the intersection where there is a light that goes into all of the schools.  I would ask each one of them... "Do you know what happened up at that light? My son was killed!"  And they would just not care.  I would yell at them and tell them how much Nick had going for him, and it was taken from him, from this world and he still had so much to give. How dare they take this life for granted.  How dare they smoke themselves to death! How dare they waste their potential and feel like they are entitled to everything for nothing.  Get off your asses and work!  Become something!!!!    I got so mad at them.  I would hit them upside the head and yell at them trying to get them to see that life is too short.. its not guaranteed...DO SOMETHING!!!  I was so angry at them.  I was so angry at Nick being gone.  And no one cared.

Then later I had another dream....

I was all of a sudden the person in a rowing crew boat that barked the orders to row or whatever it is that person does.  I had no idea what I was doing. In my dream it seemed like this was the job that Nick had before he died and for whatever reason his crew buddies wanted to put me in Nick's place and show me what he did.  It was their way of honoring me.  I remember laughing with the wind in my hair and the young men being so sweet. They would splash me with water with their oars and we were having a great time.  The water was freezing/icy for some reason.  Then they all tipped the boat for us to go swimming (much to my chagrin).  But they promised me it would be fun. And it was.  We were laughing and having a great time.  I followed them as we swam in this straight canal of water.  It was almost like a bobsled tube or the tube of a log ride at Six Flags. It was bizarre.  Then all of a sudden we came to the boat house and there was a sheet of ice..more like an ice glacier between the bottom of the boat house and the water. You could swim under it, but it was dangerous, and fast.  The current took you under and it was a bit dark and you couldn't see where the end was and there was no place to come up for air until you got on the other side. The young men all of a sudden told me, "You just have to go for it. You just have to swim under the water and swim swiftly and carefully and you will be on the other side."  "C'mon. Nick did it all the time", they told me. And one by one they went under. And finally this young man who reminded me so much of Nick (at this time wasn't sure if it was Nick's friend or if it was Nick) ducked under and disappeared. I yelled for him to come back. I yelled for help.  I was lost and alone in a dangerous place. The only way out was to follow these boys.  But I was too scared.  I was scared of drowning. I was scared of dieing. I was scared to stay where I was.. alone, cold, and stuck.

Then I woke up.  Tracy wasn't in bed with me. He was gone.  I knew he had gotten up to take Omi to school in and effort to let me sleep in. But I though he had come back to bed after taking Omi. I thought I would be taking him to work. But he wasn't there. I grabbed my phone to check the time. 8:41.  Where was he?  I started crying.  I was alone and scared.  Had he left me, too?  Where was he? I texted him. He was at work. He wanted to let me sleep. He felt like I needed it and he promised he hadn't left me.   I cried more. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and never come out.  I didn't want to face the day.  I just didn't know how.

What was with my dreams?  What was with repeating over and over again that Nick was dead? What was the fear of following those young men?  When is a dream just a dream and when does it mean something?  What time of the month is it? Am I PMSing..is that why I am having dreams and crying uncontrollably again?

A friend sent me a message encouraging me to go to Burlycon because Nick would have wanted it that way.  I cried some more. I don't know what is right.  Tracy may not spend money on shoes for himself, but when it comes to dancing I have a hard time spending extra money on classes and stuff because I feel like it is extra money spent..especially when Tracy isn't spending money on his shoes.  But at the same time, I feel  like the money spent on dancing is what gets me through this. Dancing and performing IS my therapy.  *sigh*  If I did manage to get a scholarship.....it wouldnt' cost my family much, but it still cost something. But its 2 days after the anniversary.  Would Nick be happy that I went... probably.  Would I have a good time, probably. But part of me says I would be leaving my family at a time they need me.  Even Tracy said yesterday, "Is it always at that same time of the year?"  In other words.... "That time of year will always be hard......"  (In my head I heard, "You will never be able to go because it will always be hard and we will always need you.")   I don't know if that is what he meant, but that is what I heard.

So ya.....I don't know. So today I have spent the day under a blanket on the couch watching episodes of Hotel Hell with Gordon Ramsey.  I went to lunch with Tracy. I know I should be doing laundry or practicing Choreo. But I just want to hang out under a blanket fort and pretend the world doesn't exist today....and I feel selfish for that.

February 16, 2015 A Seriously Hard Day

Yup, I still have those kind of days.

It started with a post I saw on my facebook.  It was one that my friend sent to another friend.  It was a link to the scholarship application to Burlycon.  I thought, "If I could get a scholarship, I bet Tracy wouldn't mind me going." I got up to check the dates of Burlycon.  Nov 12-15.  *sigh*  It hit me like a ton of bricks. That is 2 days after the 1 year anniversary of Nick's death.  My lost my breath.  There is no way I could leave my family at that  time and I am not even sure how I would be at that time. *sigh*

Then a request from 2 friends asking if they could use the Nick's tattoo as a memorial tattoo of their own.  They were very respectful in asking. I know they were being respectful and would NEVER want to over step or cause pain.  But my heart ached.  The thought of someone other than family wearing this tattoo broke my heart.  I felt like a bitch telling them "no".  I'm not always great at setting boundaries, but this one had to be set.  And it felt horrible and the pain of thinking of someone else wearing the tattoo hurt.  And the memory of my first thoughts of never seeing Nick again (right after hearing about him dieing) about crushed me.

Shortly after, Naomi came down and asked if we could go out.  The idea of thrift shopping to find a top to turn into a belly dance choli sounded like a good distraction and way to spend time with Omi.  She had such a rough day yesterday, I thought going out with her would be good for both of us.

We were just leaving the house when she laughed at something on her phone. I asked her what it was.  Breezy had shared one of my videos that was taken when Breezy and Jared came to surprise Naomi at one of her volleyball games. Breezy wanted to remind her that she was loved.  I smiled at that memory, but then my memory went straight to another very special surprise visit from Nick and Suzy and the video we have of that....... and I about started crying. There will be no more surprise visits like that from Nick for Omi and my heart breaks.

We while we were shopping, I came across the same dress I wore at Nick and Suzy's wedding (only in a smaller size). It about took my breath away. And I remembered that this is the 2nd time in a month that I have seen this dress.   I donated my dress YEARS ago and have not seen it since!  And yet, I have seen it TWICE in a months time frame and its not even the right time of year to be seeing it!  Crazy!

By the time we got home from our shopping trip, I was about in tears again.  I felt on the verge of losing it.  Tracy suggested a motorcycle ride, but it was too chilly and I was really struggling. He then suggested a drive to Arby's for food for him and then radio shack.   After radio shack I suggested going to get him running shoes at Kohl's. They had New Balance and Asics there for like $65-75.  I made the mistake of mentioning money as a reason for going to Kohl's.  *sigh*

The truth is, I felt like shit buying shoes to go to work at Bed Bath and Beyond and spending $165 or $175 on shoes.  I felt like complete shit.  That seems like a crazy amount for a pair of shoes.  My feet are incredibly hard to fit.  These shoes would be my exercise shoes as well as work shoes.   But I still felt like shit.  Then I felt even worse when I only worked 2 days before I had to quit cause Nick died.
Anyway, Tracy couldn't find shoes to fit him there and he got frustrated and stressed.  I felt like shit for giving him more stress. I should have just taken him to a real shoe store.  I should have known trying to find shoes at Kohl's would  have been bad. I should have know... I should have known.

Instead, no shoes were bought.  Tracy NEEDS new shoes.  He has huge holes in his shoes.

The fact of the matter is, ever since Nick died, we have  been stressed about money.. whether or not it is really about money, I can't tell you.  I don't think it is.  I just think that is where we place our stress.  Yes, we have big things happening like getting to Florida in May for Nick's graduation.  There are so many things we want to do for our kids that we either *want* to do or *need* to do by May.  And yes those things all cost money. And Tracy is the last person to spend money on himself.  If I don't force him to do it; he won't do it... and when I do it for myself I feel like shit.  It's just the way it is.

Anyway, we got home.  I sat in the car and cried and bawled.  Tracy went in cause I wasn't communicating. I didn't know what to say.  All I know is that there is very little right in my world right now.  How do I re-balance my family and my life with Nick being gone.  It's like a mobile hanging from the ceiling that has all of a sudden lost a piece and the whole balance has been thrown off.  We are trying to readjust the weight of life to make it balance out now, and its tips this way and that and its topsy-turvy and off kilter and swings and sways and is pure chaos. Then for an instant, I think we have it balanced and things are good and we can get some rest then all of a sudden, something happens and we are spinning in chaos again.   I don't know how to make it stop.

I sat and cried. Nate came out and saw me crying. He opened my car door and talked to me and I just started rambling. I feel so helpless. I understand Tracy is stressed about money. I get it.  I also feel it.  I also feel completely stuck. I can't go find a job right now.  I feel like I am the one that is keeping this family together. Getting Omi to therapy, here when she gets home from school, driving her to school, being here to make sure everyone is okay.  We only have one car. Nate is unemployed and can't afford to fix his car.  So I gotta have my car available for him to get to interviews when he can get them. I gotta drive him back and forth to work when he gets a job.  I feel like everything falls on me. If I don't go to the grocery store, there is no food.  We eat out.  We spend money. Because I didn't get to the store.  It's my fault. Everything feels as though its all on my shoulders and I am failing miserably.

After the car crying, I came back in side and got on facebook. Trying to find a way to shift my mood.  One of Nick and Suzy's friends posted her blog about her trip to India.  I was excited to read it.  Then I got to the part where she logged on to facebook while in India and found out Nick had been killed.  *sob*  Not only had poor Tori seen this on Facebook and was out of the country and far away from people (other than her companion) but was was to get back into a horrible tourist guid scammer's car and get back onto the roads that were covered with cyclist and motorcycles who could be killed in accidents at any second.  She was having a very difficult time in the car and in a very difficult time on her trip to India. My heart broke her.  My heart broke for myself.

So yes, today is a shitty day in my world. And I have come unglued today. I'm sure I will sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow feeling a bit more like I am in one piece, but today I feel shattered and unglued and like a mobile that has gone completely off balance.

February 15, 2015 Suzy's Birthday

I love when my kids have birthdays!  I love to celebrate them!  Even though I didn't give birth to this girl, I love her like she was my own and I was so excited to celebrate her day!  The first thought I had when I woke up was:  "it's Suzy's birthday!  Time to get up and get the place ready for the BBQ!"

We took Suzy to Blue Sky Bagels for birthday bagels then went grocery shopping for BBQ.  It's always a good thing when you can laugh while you are grocery shopping.

Once we were home, it was time for her to get ready for lunch with her dad and other members of her family.  I spent the rest of the day getting the house ready for her BBQ.

Then it was time to meet her for her tattoo. We had agreed the she would get her memorial tattoo on her birthday.  A burlesque sparkle sister is a tattoo artist and we chose her to do the tattoos for the family.  And we chose wisely, the tattoo is gorgeous!  We had a great visit with Donna while she was working on the tattoo.

Then it was home to do the BBQ.  We made burgers and sat outside by the fire pit and laughed and enjoyed the burgers and the stars and the cool night air. Then the excited birthday girl wanted to open her presents and have cake.  Singing "happy birthday" in this house is more like a round of chaos.. no one sings the same words or on tune and it is rather obnoxious. It's always fun!  Suzy's gifts were puzzles, crayons and coloring books.  She loved them all and we had a great time talking about the "cool things" we had when we were kids.  Suzy's generation had gel pens; our generation had that pin with 4 options of ink.  *laugh*  My how times have changed!

Once presents were opened, it was time for Cards Against Humanity.  There was tons of laughter and craziness. The only "downside" to any of it was the fact that we didn't take out the cards that trigger issues.  Usually, when its just family playing, those cards get picked and then instantly traded for more appropriate cards.  It just happens quietly and on ones "goes there".  But we were playing with Steff and Kyle and these cards did not get thrown out.  I do not know who had the cards.  But I do know that I had to read one of the cards and Nate had to read the other one.  It was hard to read them and hard to hear them. And for Omi it about made her cry. She stuck it out and continued playing with us.  But I could see it in her face.  She was already have a rough day (for whatever reason) but hearing these cards "Vehicular Manslaughter" and "Get married, moved to Florida have kids and die" were just too much for her.  *sigh*  Suzy and Nate managed to keep on swimming and laughing.

How do you juggle each child's feelings and emotions on another child's special day?   Ya.....This grief thing sucks.

Anyway,  all the beer we bought got drunk. Birthday cake got eaten.  Cheesecake was consumed.  Oh lord, I think I need to walk 5 more marathons to make up for this weekends food.

As I am writing this a day late (again) I also realize I didn't take any selfies yesterday....  So instead, I will post a picture of Suzy celebrating her day.

February 14, 2015 Today Was The Day!!!!

Run 4 Luv 1/2 Marathon.........

This was such a fabulous day!  The weather was PERFECT for a February.  It got up over 60 degrees and sunny!  Wowzers!  I got to see lots of my running friends and get lots of hugs and see lots of smiles. It felt amazing to be surrounded by runners again. But more importantly, I got to share Omi's first 1/2 marathon.

I will be the first to admit that our training was NOT what it should have been.  We only got in our long training days. Which meant we only trained on the weekends with  5 mile, 7 mile, 9 mile and 9 1/2 mile walks.  We did nothing during week.  The schedule after school is just too crazy around here. On our very first 5 mile walk, we set a goal of finishing the 1/2 marathon in 3 hours 45 minutes. Since we were walking the entire way, I figured that would be a great place to start.

Once we arrived at the park, pre-race was spent catching up with friends, introducing Naomi and taking lots of pictures.

Then before we knew it, 3....2....1... GO!  And we were off on our grand adventure!

I am not a newbie to distance running/walking.  I have done several 1/2 marathons and several marathons, a 10 K, several 5K and one ultra.  I know how to train. I know how to prep.  Most importantly, I know how to run a smart race.  Somehow, in the last year, all that knowledge and wisdom went out the window!  I was too excited to be back on the course and too excited to share it with Omi.  Rule number 1: Run the race at your own pace.  Do not get caught up in the start of the race hype!  Run your pace!  Nope.  Our first mile was 14:53!  Holy smokes!!!

In our training, our fastest sustained pace was 16:23!  The next 3 miles were 15 minutes and change.  We then slowed down to our 16 minute mile pace. We were hauling butt, and the first part of this race, I kept checking on Omi. I knew we were busting tail and going faster than she was prepared for.  She didn't complain. She struggled.  I could see it on her face.  I kept telling her how strong she was.  We celebrated each mile with a high five.  She was rocking this race.  Even when she started feeling like her breathing and heart (the start of a possible panic attack) started acting up, I encouraged her to keep breathing and realize she is safe.  She breathed through it and kept moving.  She is such a rock star!!!

We finally reached the turn around 1/2 way point.  We were so excited.  We had even passed some people at this point. We were feeling strong.  But all of a sudden, I started to feel like I was going to puke!  I was dizzy and I was getting chilly.  All of these are signs of dehydration. I had been so worried about her getting dehydrated that I guess I wasn't drinking enough myself.  I was drinking... every mile I drank.  The tummy issues could be that we had been going so fast for so long and not trained for that pace. It could have also been the Gatorade, which I never drink when I run.  I'm not entirely certain.  What I did know was that I needed to slow down and get my body back in check.  I was also having some extreme pain in my toes. Usually, the pain starts around mile 3 and goes away by my 7.  But it was only getting worse.  I was struggling. I didn't want to say anything to Omi.  I just slowed down our pace.  I guess she noticed cause she asked me how I was doing.  I told her I felt like puking.  Her response:  "Don't puke on me!"  Gee, thanks, kid!  Then she asked what we could do to help my tummy and I told her that I slowed down our pace already and I just need to breathe.  She told me to listen to my body.

All of the advice I had given to her over the last few weeks, she was repeating back to me.  Complete with, "Mom, its okay if we slow down. It's not about how fast we go, just about finishing the race."

She kept checking on me.  She kept telling me how strong I was.  She kept encouraging me.

At midway point, my daughter went from being the one who needed to be encouraged to being strong, and encouraging me.  I saw the change in her the minute we reached the mid way point.  All of a sudden, she had an air of confidence and strength she didn't have a mile before.  And now here she was carrying me......

We got to mile 10 and she said, "Just a mere 5K left, Mom, You can do it."  My response: "I fucking love you!"  I meant it.  I could not have been prouder in that moment.  

She continued to cheer me on and encourage me. The tummy issues went a way and we picked up the pace as best we could in order to keep the tummy at bay.  We reached the home stretch and we pushed it.  We got to the last 100 feet and we took off in a sprint to cross the finish line together!

We did it!!!  3:40:28 was our finish time!  We beat our goal time!

On the way home, I asked her how she felt.  "In pain and so great!"  That's my girl!   And all night she has been wearing this new found confidence!    She is wearing her sore muscles like a badge of courage... cause that is what the pain is.  She is freakin' amazing!

As for me? I think I have a stress fracture in my left foot.. in my toes. I can't stand on my foot without extreme pain.  For that matter, my foot is in extreme pain without standing on it.  I guess I will be seeing my foot doctor next week. Joy!

February 13, 2015 A Day Late.....

But certainly, not a dollar short!

So I have been meaning to type this in a blog, but I always keep forgetting.

The night we were told about Nick's accident, we immediately got on the phone to get air plane tickets to Florida.  I thought I had counted properly, but when Tracy got the confirmation emails, we realized we missed getting a ticket for Naomi.  This has happened so many times over the last 3 months.  I miscount how many people are in my family.  The other day, I made dinner, and miscounted so badly, that I ended up eating a frozen dinner while the rest of my family ate what I had made.

I don't know if anyone has ever had this issue before.  It seems odd to me.  I don't know if it is because Nick hasn't live at home for years.  I don't know if its because Suzy has moved in.  I don't know if its a combination.  I do know that the night we paid for air plane tickets. My thinking was, "I had 4 in my family (me, Nate, Omi and Tracy) and I had just lost a child so I only need 3 tickets."  But I have 6 in my family (including Suzy).  I do not know what was going on in my head.  And the other night when I made dinner, I was like, "I have 5 in my family and one is gone so I have 4".  But I have 5 living here.  This happens all the time to me now.  It's not because I forget people in my family.  It's not because I don't count people as part of my family when they are not here.  I just have a hard time counting now that Nick is gone.  I'm sure it will get better and back to normal as time goes by, but for right now it is darn frustrating!

Okay.. now that I have gotten that said......

Yesterday morning started out brilliantly with the box of Nick's articles arriving.  They must have came the day before but no one told me.  I saw them when I came back from taking Omi to school.  My hands shook as I opened the box.  It was if I was holding the holy grail or something.  Then his lab mates posted a video of the interview the lab did regarding Nick's research. It was amazing. But all I could think was, "If Nick had been alive, it would have been him talking instead of Samaneh (probably)."  And then they ended with a dedication to Nick telling how he died.  I bawled like a baby.  I could not be any prouder of Nick.

The rest of my day was spent getting ready for Suzy's birthday which is Sunday.  I had so much fun shopping for her!!!

We took the whole family out to steak and 'gitas last night to celebrate Nick's article and to kick off Suzy's birthday weekend. It was fun to see the kids laugh and the family to be together.  Man I love my kids.  Each one of them makes me proud in so many different ways.  I know I talk about Nick alot in these blogs, but each one of my kids have something special!!!!  Nate has this amazing talent of working with people. He has such a great attitude around people.  He is creative and brilliant. I love to hear him singing and playing his guitar!   Omi just got on the honor roll.  She is smarter than all get out.  And she has recently been stepping outside of her comfort zone to train for a 1/2 marathon.  She is growing by leaps and bounds in confidence and strength.  Suzy has such a deep soul.  She is compassionate and strong.  She is so freakin' funny.  I love them all.

My life is blessed with an amazing family!!!