About 2 blogs ago (My drug of choice post) when I was very upset, one of my dearest friends read that and knew she needed to come visit. She and her hubby made heaven and earth move so that she could make it here to support me and help keep me sane this week leading up to Nick's birthday. I truly needed someone here; I was coming unraveled and I just didn't know how I was going to make it through the week.
I think I have said this before, but a friend of mine told me that the anticipation of a birthday or anniversary often times is worse than the actual day. And that may or may not be the case. It was certainly true for March 10th. I was a wreck anticipating that day, but that day came and went without any big huge deal. But Nick's birthday? I don't know.
I can't speak for anyone else. But for me, as his mom, all I can think about this week is how I felt when I was pregnant with Nick and how I just wanted that kid OUT of me! *laugh* It's that connection...those memories...that get me this week. So it's not even the anticipation of his birthday, but is really about the memories of anticipation of his actual earthly appearance that is getting me.
Having Angie here was a blessing. I know that at times she felt like she wasn't really doing much of anything to help me. I don't know what she expected to find. I mean for the most part I am a happy individual and I move through my days with ease and grace. What tinge of sadness I feel is felt and let go and not dwelt upon. So maybe, after that horrible scary post, she expected to find me a basket case and the reality is, I wasn't. Well for the most part.
We had a great visit. As soon as she arrived, we started drinking rum. 1 drink in, and Angie, Tracy and I were very happy. *laugh* We invited the family, but only Suzy joined us and we walked to Mexican food to walk it off and get food in our bellies. Angie got to spend some quality time with my beautiful daughter in law. Then after resting up, we headed to Treefort and Burlesque downtown on a Sunday night. It was great music before the show and a great burlesque show. Lots of dancing and laughing and smiles. Then on Monday, Angie and I hit the greenbelt for a 27 mile bike ride. It was a glorious day! We rode by an island on the Boise River and I started to point out "And this is where you can sometimes find Deer. But I don't see any..... Oh Wait! There they are!" We stopped and took pictures. So perfect! Tuesday, we hit the trails and hiked 4.25 miles up Dry Creek Trail to my favorite spot on the trail. There were lots of pictures being taken. And on our way back to our car, we came across the first snake of the season. (Not so joyous.....) That night was one heck of a party at my house with Cards Against Humanities. There were 10 of us all together. Holy Cow! Too much fun! Wednesday, we realized that at 46 we can not party like the 20 somethings we were hanging out with. We drove up to Idaho City Hot Springs and spent 4 hours soaking in the tubs. While we were there we watched the clouds and storms kinda blow by..including some snow that blew in. So much fun. Such a beautiful day. Wednesday night we pretty much passed out on the couch. We were just done! Thursday, I woke up in a crying mess. (I think this is more like what she was expecting to find when she got here.) So what do 2 girls do when this happens? RETAIL THERAPY! I have not had a girlfriend to shop with like that since I lived in Arizona! We have the same taste in clothing. We wear approximately the same size. We actually bought the same tops in different colors. We laughed at Fashion Throwbacks like gauchos/culottes that are back in style (which we had to wear for PE back in high school). We love the same shoes. It was crazy. I haven't been able to shop like that in a long time... and neither has she. It was exactly what we both needed. Then we finished off her last night here with a trip to the Boise Contemporary Theater to see my friend play in The Fisherman and His Soul. Amazing!
Angie left today. With lots of hugs goodbye. I just about broke down as she left. Not really because she left as much as it was because I was "alone with my thoughts" and I was "back to reality".
A few "big things" happened while she was here this week, and I am so glad she was here with us when they happened. Suzy is "seeing someone". It has not been declared a relationship on Facebook. But slowly people are meeting him. We met him for the first time nearly 2 Sundays ago at Burlesque. I knew about him, but I don't think Suzy intended us to meet the way and when we did. She wasn't there yet. He came in looking for seats for them and we caught each other's eyes. We knew who the other was. I didn't want to make it awkward on him so I didn't introduce myself to him. But he did come up and introduce himself to us. He was very respectful and compassionate. That was probably one of the hardest nights...and that was a couple of weeks ago. So I knew she was dating. Tracy knew she was dating. Nate knew she was dating. But Omi did not. I wanted Suzy to tell her. I didn't know how serious it was. I wanted to protect Omi as much as possible. No point in bringing it up if this guy was never going to come around the house. Then it happened.
Last Monday, Suzy had been out with him all day. I sent her a message and told her we were BBQing and asked if she was going to be home. She then asked if he would be welcome to come to dinner as well. *deep breath* This is her home too. I want her to feel welcome. And no matter who it is. No matter when it is. No matter how it happens. It's going to be awkward and a bit painful. We discussed Omi (over text). It was decided I would talk to Omi for Suzy. We agreed the beau could come for dinner. Omi handled it pretty well at first... after the initial shock. I was kind of an emotional wreck in preparation. Just not sure how any of it would go. And I know Suzy and he had to be feeling a bit tentative and awkward to. He came in and looked around at the pictures I had around the main parts of the house. I saw him look closely at the pictures on the fridge (Nick and Suzy's engagement day, family vacation photos......those kinds of things). We ended the night around the fire pit..all of us. And I saw Omi's face. It had hit her HARD. By the end of the night, She, Tracy, and I were a crying mess. We are all happy that Suzy is happy and smiling, but we are not ready for it to not be "Suzy and Nick" anymore. I had to reassure Omi that Suzy is not ready for that either and she will always love Nick.
The next morning, Omi was still a mess. But somewhere in the night, she had written a very sweet note to Suzy on the bathroom mirror telling her that she was happy that Suzy was smiling again and that she liked the new beau. (Omi is so brave.)
Tuesday night, again, the beau was over as well as Cody, Steff, and a girl Nate is seeing named Nicole as well as Nate and Omi. We had a house full of laughter. It was a great night. Omi was laughing. Everyone was a bit more comfortable with the beau in the house. Then I saw Suzy check something on facebook and I saw her face drop. Drama at FIT with the kids in the club that Nick used to be co-president of. What it boils down to, one of the girls used Nick's death as a way to bully one of the other kids into trying to get him to do something (which equaled to sexual harassment). OMG. These are all Suzy's friends These are all kids that I have met and gotten to know and love. And now this. My heart was enraged. Suzy was upset and crying. I had to unfriend one of the girls because she refused to stop using Nick's death as weapon and had to report that facebook thread to facebook for violence. It's crazy. And the whole time, Suzy's new beau was right there being compassionate and empathetic and respectful.
Then Omi continued to struggle. She was having a VERY bad couple of days. The worst she has had in a while. Thankfully she had therapy yesterday. But Angie got to see just how bad Omi can get. I saw Angie's face when she realized there was nothing she could do to help Omi feel better. It broke Angie's heart. (Welcome to my world.) There is really nothing anyone can do to fix any of this. But by the time Omi was done with therapy on Thursday afternoon, was given the top that I had found for her during our retail therapy, and Angie spent some one on one time shopping with her while I made dinner, Omi was back to her happy bubbly self and talking Angie's ear off. And she really opened up to Angie and asked her to stay through Nick's birthday. And then we all went to the play last night. (Well not all of us... Nate never wants to go out with us and Suzy is sick.)
Anyway, Angie left today... and I'm so very grateful that she was here when the beau made his first appearance here in the house. I'm grateful she was here when I broke down on Thursday and was able to take me out of the house and get me laughing and having fun. I really needed that. Tracy does his best, but honestly, its hard for us to keep the other afloat. Sometimes we just need an outsider to the intense grief to give us a distraction.
Nick's birthday is tomorrow. And 26 years ago (at this time) I was in a hell of alot of pain. I was screaming and crying and praying to god and begging the doctors to just cut the baby out of me! I was so over the labor. My mom felt bad and had no idea labor could be that bad. Tracy was doing his best to support me. Nothing the doctors could do could help me. The epidural was put in wrong which made things even worse. And today.. I remember the one and ONLY time I have ever done labor (my other 2 were scheduled c-sections). Nick never did things the easy way. He always challenged us. He always lived life on his terms. And yes, as much as I love this memory.. and love remembering this memory every year... this year it hurts almost as bad as the actual Labor Day.
No selfies today..instead I'll post something from this week :).
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