I have been having a bunch of very vivid dreams lately. Some tons of fun; some are heart breaking. Then there is part of this morning's dream. I was sort of standing sideways in a door, not even all the way in a door. I was talking to a friend of mine who had just had a baby. Her husband had been sent out to get her "donut" to sit on. (I should state that this couple is super fit and ripped.) So I am standing in the door way talking to her as she was trying to get settled and her husband came in. He was trying to get through the door. There was PLENTY of room in this door way for both of us. PLENTY OF ROOM. Instead he looked over his shoulder at me with a disgusted look on his face and he squished the front of his body up against the door jam in front of him and "struggled" to get the donut to his wife. There was plenty of space between us. But he made it seem like I was so fat there was not enough room. I wasn't even in the door way all the way. Man I felt like a fat blob of shit!
Then the dream shifted to something even more disturbing......
My friend was telling me that my daughter in law's new boyfriend (in my dream) was in the process of looking for this woman that he used to have the hots for. He is convinced there is something there. He doesn't care that he is dating my daughter in law or how much it might hurt her; he feels as though he is supposed to be looking up this other woman to give them another chance. I have no idea what his real relationship with my daughter in law is.. other than they have been seeing each other. I was mad. I want to protect her from further pain and loss. Then I walk into her room, and there I find all of the scrap book pages from her life with Nick. She had taken all of the pictures from her life with Nick and put them out and to the side. She was cleaning Nick out of her life. And this is how I woke up this morning. Happy Sunday to me!
It has been a rough couple of days with some greatness thrown in there just to keep me sane. I have truly enjoyed having Breezy and Jared here visiting. I am THRILLED that they are now engaged to be married. I'm super happy we got to celebrate that special time in their lives with them. We have had a great visit with them. We even got to go out to the desert and shoot their guns. We had a great time. But in between the greatness in my quiet alone moments, I feel sad.
In general I have this feeling that "things just aren't right". There is nothing that I can really put a finger on. However, there have been a a couple of specific things that have really got me reeling and trying to figure out how to work this life I have now.
Here's the thing. Being a grieving mom is hard. There are so many emotions at any given time. Keeping myself in one piece is hard enough. Then there are the individual people in my family. As mom, it has always been my job to care for those in my family when they are hurting. When my child is hurt, I am there to hold them and comfort them. But this is the biggest "boo boo" I have ever had to deal with. And, of course, life doesn't make anything easy, simple or straight forward. There are always other factors to complicate the matter. Just when you think "Okay we got the grief monster at bay and everyone is moving forward", something else comes around the corner that threatens the sanity of my children and of myself. Then there is my husband. He is grieving too. He has work that stresses him out. He has a wife who is grieving. And there are things that happen in our home that he is not happy about. And I am doing my best to keep it all balanced out. I have always felt like it has been my job to keep this family unity together and connected and loving and supportive. Work and bringing in the money has been Tracy's job.... the family unity, the feeling in the house, the children's lives.. has been mine. Now with the death of Nick, I feel like everything is coming unravelled. I feel like potential decisions that we make are weighted more heavily now. What might have seemed like a good idea before Nick's death, seems like a HORRIBLE idea now. Yet, there are changes that need to be made. How do you make those changes while everyone is delicately walking this balance beam of grief?
I have already talked about decisions... yet here I am again.. looking at decisions in parenting and wondering which way to turn, what is right, how will this affect not just one person in the family, but the family structure as a whole? Will a decision push an individual over the edge, even if you think that decision is the right decision? We are, after all, still parents to children who need guidance in this world. My head in spinning. My heart is heavy. I wish I knew what the right thing was. I wish I knew what the right words were. I wish I knew how to make life easier. I wish I could take away all the pain, all the addiction, all the bad choices, all the nightmares, all the anxiety, all the anger..I wish I could take all of it away. I wish the innocence of my family could be returned. Heck, I would be happy with one challenge at a time.
Being a grieving parent is hard enough. Being a grieving parent helping the rest of the family work through grief is even more difficult. My biggest fear: That my family unit will fall apart from grief... from decision made either from grief or while grieving. That not only have I lost Nick to death, but in grieving from his death, my family disintegrates from the pain of it all and I lose everything and everyone. That is my biggest fear.
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